Is it possible to be in a Loving marriage without Sex?

[HappyInNJ]

Dear Forum,

 

I posted another thread and got alot of honest answers to a question I had.

 

Now I would like to ask the married (or couples in a long term realtionship).

Is it possible to be in a Loving marriage without Sex?

 

I love my wife so much, she is my best friend and driving force of my life.

We have been married 10 years now, and in the beginning when we met, we had a good amount of sex, but I one more than one occassion, had problems getting or keeping an erection. (performance anxiety)

 

This then led into the need for more increased stimulation from her to keep me aroused. Later I found out that she hated this and hated having to stop in mid act, to fluff me again, etc.

 

One time she looked at my flaccid penis and said" what the hell is this? What's the matter with you" ? She by no means is a nasty person, she had a bit of a temper that has mellowed over the years, but she is very out spoken. Thats all. She has appologized so sincerely that she ever did that.

 

So fast forwarding to the not so distant past, I found out that for years she was avoiding intimacy with me because it crushed her self esteem in that she thought I did not find her attractive or that I didn't get aroused by her.

 

My sex life then during the same time consisted of masturbation, and if we did get intimate, the minute I thought about intercourse, I would loose my erection (literally). And she is a very attractive woman with a great body.

Her comment "What the hell is this......" is stuck in my head even to this day.

 

In the last 2 years, I have tried Viagara (which is the best thing ever invented), and that does the trick, but she feels like it's a fake erection, and it is a timing thing trying to time taking the pill right in case you are going to get it on, and the drawback is that there is no spontanaety.

 

We realized that we both love each other deeply and sought marital counseling (but we don't have the funds to go every week to really work on this problem).

 

I want to make love to my wife and have a "normal" healthy sex life, because everthing else in our relationship is wonderful.

 

Can others share their experiences and if they were able to get over it, how?

 

Thank you very much!

[HokeyReligions]

No sex in 14 years. Until a couple of years ago when our son died, I was content in the marriage. If it were not for the deaths of our children, I believe that we would be firmly a couple -- albeit a celibate one. We are actually still working on that and may be able to keep our marriage together and move on to yet another plane of marital existence.

 

Try <URL removed> and look at that information. Your wife needs to realize that your viagra-empowered erection does not mean that it is fake. You wouldn't take viagra for yourself, you do it because you want to please her too. However, it's not easy for some women to separate the two.

 

At least you are trying, my husband just decided a few years into our marriage that he didn't want to have sex anymore---and we didn't. It still, sometimes, triggers a bad feeling or memory. When I get maudlin and feeling sorry for myself, I think about my 20's and 30's and all the young years without sex, when I was healthy and adventurous. And I think of my body now; painful and unlimber with arthritis and the heavy pull of life and I still sometimes feel a touch of anger and regret. But I snap myself out of it. I am loved. I love. Sex is way down the list as an expression of love for us now.

[bluechocolate]

No direct experience myself, just a few thoughts to share....

 

I take it you've ruled out possilble medical reasons for you erectile dysfunction?

 

Have you tried psychotherapy? It can be an effective treatment for ED when the ED is at least partially based on psychological issues resulting from life events—that is, due to precipitants such as performance anxiety, deterioration of a relationship, divorce,..........

 

I have tried Viagara ........... but she feels like it's a fake erection...

 

I think that is a bit harsh. Do the two of you enjoy yourselves? If so what is so "fake" about it? Yes, it takes some of the spontaneity out of it, but you can still have that, maybe not with penetrative sex. It is possible to have fun without penetration & you both should maybe try experimenting a bit in the bedroom - there are tons of "marital aids" on the Internet.

 

I am aware of injections which you self-administer & will give you an erection (with no sexual stimulation required) very quickly. This could be an option for those "spontaneous" episodes. It'll probably mean a quick trip to the toilet, but hey, don't we all to that?

 

I don't think you should give up on your sex life just yet. Find yourself a doctor who specialises in this & get to know all the options that are available to you. In the meantime it sounds like you two may need to re-learn how to be affectionate & intimate without having to have penetrative sex. Maybe this is where some marriage counselling can help her & well as you?

[VivianLee]

Is it possible to be in a Loving marriage without Sex?

 

 

So far mine is but it doesn't mean I like it that way.....it sucks...well actually sucking doesn't happen so...I'm sorry, I'm PMSing and feeling cynical....

[HappyInNJ]

[i take it you've ruled out possilble medical reasons for you erectile dysfunction?

 

.

 

I don't think you should give up on your sex life just yet.

 

Hi, Thanks for the reply and for taking the time to offer your insight. I just wanted to clarify that there are no medical reasons, I know it's psychological ( as I said the equipment works fine). I am not ready or going to give up on my sex life.

 

This is the whole reason for writing this message. Therapy I have had mostly unsucessful experiences, and again the money issue. It's hard, but them again the marriage is what is most important. So I am open to try anything.

 

Thanks again!

[HappyInNJ]

[Try <URL removed> and look at that information. At least you are trying, my husband just decided a few years into our marriage that he didn't want to have sex anymore---and we didn't. It still, sometimes, triggers a bad feeling or memory. When I get maudlin and feeling sorry for myself, I think about my 20's and 30's and all the young years without sex, when I was healthy and adventurous. And I think of my body now; painful and unlimber with arthritis and the heavy pull of life and I still sometimes feel a touch of anger and regret. But I snap myself out of it. I am loved. I love. Sex is way down the list as an expression of love for us now.

 

************

 

Thank you for such a heartfelt and sincere reply.

I wish you well in your life and marriage.

 

Thank you!

[Karlise13]

who are going on a ten-year celibate relationship and they seem quite content.

 

The GF told me she never was a very sexual person and niether was her BF. In fact, she was relieved to have met someone who shared her feelings.

 

 

 

I myself would have a much harder time with it. Some of us are just hard-wired to like sex and want it more than others.

I had a two year relationship with a man who suffered extreme performance anxiety and I basically had the same reaction as your wife. I was like, "What the hell?"

 

I felt like I wasn't attractive to him. I wondered if he were gay for a while. He insisted it was just performance anxiety.

 

Unlike you, he didn't try Viagra or counseling or ANYTHING. If he had tried, I might have stuck it out. But in the end, I felt like sex was just too unimportant to him and too important to me for us to remain monogamous. So I ended things.

 

best of luck You sound like a loving person and I hope this can come to a happy conclusion for you

[HappyInNJ]

Thank you Karlisle13,

 

I am sorry things didn't work out for you. It almost ended that way for me/us, but thank God I saw the light and realized just what I had. The love is there, and the desire to work it out is there, so in the long run, I think we are going to be o.k.

 

It's just like a previous member said; I just wish I didn't waste my late twenties/late thirties. I hope my 40's and beyond will be filled with alot of intimacy.

 

Thank you.

[Pocky]

If this is the only problem in your marriage then I think you have a better marriage than most.

 

Sex is a very important part of a marriage and to consider the option of not having sexual intimacy in the future would be a big mistake. You stated that the two of you tried to go to marriage counseling when you could afford it, but did you continue to discuss this issue when you couldn't go to counseling?

 

Something your wife needs to understand is that not all men are wired exactly the same way and while some may be able to perform with any woman, others can be affected mentally. She needs to stop taking the issue and turning into her own private problem. Unfortunately, because she doesn't understand why this is happening she is internalizing it and making it appear as though it's her. This is a very unhealthy stance to take.

 

 

I would consider taking a scientific approach to the issue. Read literature together regarding male impotency and discuss different theories as to why this is happening. Discuss performance anxiety and discuss how this affects performance. Remove the heightened emotional drama that appears to be associated to this problem and work together to find a solution.

 

And stop masturbating. You're training your body to become accustomed to a specific type of sensation in order to achieve orgasm.

[HappyInNJ]

Originally posted by Pocky

If this is the only problem in your marriage then I think you have a better marriage than most.

 

Sex is a very important part of a marriage and to consider the option of not having sexual intimacy in the future would be a big mistake.

 

Something your wife needs to understand is that not all men are wired exactly the same way and while some may be able to perform with any woman, others can be affected mentally.

And stop masturbating. You're training your body to become accustomed to a specific type of sensation in order to achieve orgasm.

 

Thank you for your valued opinion. I appreciate your feedback.

I do want to say that I know it is in my head, and we are both a part of the problem, but I have trouble relaxing and as I said, as soon as the thought of sex comes up, I loose my erection. Therefore I know it's a psychological issue, and not a physiological one. I also don't want to become dependent on Viagara. God, I am

too young for that! p.s. I don't masturbate too much except for the most part when she has her period. So the sensation issue is not a problem. Thanks!

[Pocky]

From Another Thread - I try as much as possible to limit the masturbation to the time around my wife's period as not to interfere with our lovemaking.

 

p.s. I don't masturbate too much except for the most part when she has her period. So the sensation issue is not a problem. Thanks!

 

 

What's your definition of "not too much"?

[Bubbles]

I may be to late to interject here but..........

 

When you are alone with your wife.........why don't you just turn the lights out so she can't see you?

 

That's what my girlfriend does. She used to be really, really fat and she always has this image of herself

in her own mind that when she is alone with her husband that he is looking at this really fat girl and she would

feel bad about herself and would get turned off. So she decided to try leaving the lights off when he or she was

feeling aroused and it worked like a charm! NOW, she does'nt have any insecurities about what she looks like or what

she looks like to her husband while being intimate with him. It's actually a running joke in their house.....they have been

together for 18 years and her husband has'nt seen her naked in over 15 years!!! Tee, hee, hee!

 

Good luck,

 

Bubbles

[savethedrama4allama]

I think that you can have a "happy" or "successful" marriage without sex.

 

I do not think you can do so without intimacy. Hand holding, kissing, cuddling, disclosure of personal thoughts, something of that nature. There has to be something intimate, special, and exclusively shared to keep the marriage together, in my opinion. At least that was my marriage experience!

[HappyInNJ]

Thanks Pocky, Bubbles and SavetheDrama...,

 

All very interesting takes.

 

I know we have the intimacy, and that's what got me to post this listing.

I felt like how can I love this woman so damn much, but we have problems connecting sexually? I guess the intimacy is the glue that holds things together.

I also guess that's why we're married 10 years. We are able to see in eachother the special things we bring to the realtionship.

 

 

Pocky; about 3-4 times a month.

 

Bubbles; your question would relate more to another posting of mine

"Watching men masturbate". As i am sure you know, males tend to be more visual. It's just a turn on of mine to let my wife see me, and to look at her faceial expressions, etc.. Check out that posting if you would like, and let me know your comments.

 

Thanks to all. I am learing alot from everyone, and learning that I am not alone in my problems/issues/likes and dislikes. It's good to know where one fits in to the picture.

[mymojo]

Originally posted by Pocky

If this is the only problem in your marriage then I think you have a better marriage than most.

 

Sex is a very important part of a marriage and to consider the option of not having sexual intimacy in the future would be a big mistake. You stated that the two of you tried to go to marriage counseling when you could afford it, but did you continue to discuss this issue when you couldn't go to counseling?

 

Something your wife needs to understand is that not all men are wired exactly the same way and while some may be able to perform with any woman, others can be affected mentally. She needs to stop taking the issue and turning into her own private problem. Unfortunately, because she doesn't understand why this is happening she is internalizing it and making it appear as though it's her. This is a very unhealthy stance to take.

 

 

I would consider taking a scientific approach to the issue. Read literature together regarding male impotency and discuss different theories as to why this is happening. Discuss performance anxiety and discuss how this affects performance. Remove the heightened emotional drama that appears to be associated to this problem and work together to find a solution.

 

And stop masturbating. You're training your body to become accustomed to a specific type of sensation in order to achieve orgasm.

 

For men with certain ED's it is indeed the woman's "fault" if you look up the clinical explainations of retarded ejaculation you will see most often listed as a problem this

 

"the man is not phyically attracted enough to his partner to achieve orgasm with her via intercourse"

 

 

After months of tears, fighting and being told I was crazy for "internalizing" this problem, I was finally told the truth by my partner, that despite my best efforts to stay trim and attractive, I don't turn him on physically enough to orgasm.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by mymojo

 

 

For men with certain ED's it is indeed the woman's "fault" if you look up the clinical explainations of retarded ejaculation you will see most often listed as a problem this

 

"the man is not phyically attracted enough to his partner to achieve orgasm with her via intercourse"

 

 

After months of tears, fighting and being told I was crazy for "internalizing" this problem, I was finally told the truth by my partner, that despite my best efforts to stay trim and attractive, I don't turn him on physically enough to orgasm.

 

 

I'm so sorry mojo...that is rough.

[HappyInNJ]

Thank you Mojo,

 

I too am sorry that you were told that.

Too me, if I love someone (like I do my wife), It wouldn't matter to me if she was 90lb or 900lb; it's the whole person I love. Really, that's no bull.

Did my wife put on a few pounds since we first met? Absolutely (so did I for that matter). But like I say to her, she has it in the right places !!

 

 

And yes, I am attracted to her very much. It's a mental block that I/we have.

I believe in therapy, but finding the right therapist is really difficult.

We found one last year, but we had to pay out of pocket, and she wanted to see us a few times a month, and we just were not at that time in a position to pay out that kind of money. That's where we are now.

 

We want to move on, but you have the mortgage, the kids with school, bills for this, bills for that, etc, etc....So we have to get back on track and make this the #1 priority. I think we know what we need to do, and we just need to go do it!

 

Thank you for your feedback.

[Patiently waiting]

After my son was born my husband and i did not have sex for about 9 months as I was still healing from my episotomy. Hell, I freaked out when my doctor examined me! Being busy with a newborn, it didn't seem to matter much anyway. But it mattered to him although that didn't come out til a year or 2 later..... I thought he was just very understanding, guess I was wrong. Well, got pregnant with my 2nd child when my son was 10 months, yeah it happened the first time we had sex I think! Apparantly my husband was livid that I was pregnant again, but again kept that to himself (Oh, he did tell a close friend of his who eventually became the girl he cheated on me with). I only found out over a year after my daughter was born that he didn't want her.

We had agreed on 2 children even before marriage which was about 6 years earlier.

 

Anyway, we didn't have sex much after I got pregnant (both pregnancies actuall). I'm not very tall and I was basically all baby, felt like a stuffed turkey! Not too comfy ya' know! Slept sitting up most of the time, bad indigestion etc..... So after my daughter was born i was still kinda overweight, didn't feel sexy like I used to. Just wasn't interested in sex, babies were my priority. Well, again thought he understood....guess not. He started spending more time away from home, I started (siliently) resenting him for not helping me with the kids and slowly our marriage fell apart.

 

Our sex life did improve after I discovered his affair, the ownership phase i guess i went thru. But, then he started gaining a lot of weight and I had lost most of my baby weight by that point. I was disgusted by him and it made me sick to have sex with him. I had no emotion for him during sex and would be very relieved when it was over.

 

Before kids, we were sexual dynamos, but not anymore.....

 

Then when I met my MM, it all came back! I swear we have sex for hours on end, I can hardly go a day without it! He has got a great body and we are just plain awesome together, it's been going on for nearly a year and just keeps getting better and better. Too bad I'm gonna have to break up with him though, I just can't deal with him being married.....oh, by the way, he says he can't even get it up for his wife......Go figure.....!!!

[whichwayisup]

With my own personal experience here.... It does go boths ways in my situation. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We are common law, so really we are married, just minus the wedding and paperwork. We feel married anyways!

 

I suffer from panic disorder. I am doing so much better, doing therapy and all. My sex life as of right now is pretty good, last 8 months or so! I can't say it was great during the last few years before that. Very inconsistant. Partially my fault as I just was NOT into sex period. I did not feel sexy or desired. This is now part of the problem. When my husband and I were not having sex at all (I think we went about 4 months, no penetration, but did fool around abit...) he really didn't seem to mind that much. At first I thought that was a good thing because I was so torn up about the guilt of not wanting sex and he was really telling me it was okay! He said that the sex wasn't a huge deal to him...Just as long as we still cuddled and kissed etc...Which I needed alot more of that than sex.

 

Then once I really started working through my anxiety attacks and dealing with some issues in my life, my depression lifted and my sex drive came back with a BANG! I don't think he was prepared for that!! I feel now, I am the one with the huge sex drive and the one doing all the pursuing...He just isn't as sexual as me. I am also 33. My prime is hitting!! He is older than me, so that could be abit of a factor as well. I try not to take it personally...It's just the way he is. Even before I had anxiety etc, I always was into sex more than him.

 

What I have learned now is our relationship is just not based on sex. IF it was then we would have had horrible problems in the past 3 years. We didn't then and we don't now. If I allow negative thoughts in my head about how he feels about sex then yes, I get upset and internalize it because that is something I just do and cannot control. I do know he loves me and I love him. We communicate alot about it and we always tell eachother we love one another, so that is good.

 

Sometimes I wish that he would just desire me. Give me that sexy look across the room and just WANT me at the second...But that is not him. He's just a real nice guy, loving and giving. Sex just isn't in his brain at all times like it is in mine. I can live with it. He tries too, that is all I can ask for. Doesnt' mean sometimes I'm always happy about it, but hey, life isn't perfect. Mine certainly isn't!

 

Sorry to go on here, just when I get going sometimes I ramble and this and that and lose my focus.

 

Don't give up, communicate and really just dont' put pressure on yourself or on her...It will get better, it always does my friend!!

 

Best of luck to you!!

 

WWIU

[amykat]

I think that the original poster of this thread knows what has to do. There are also certain positions that a women can put herself in to make the man's sensation better. I hope you try this. Also, rings work really well around the male to keep the erection.

 

In regards to the last post, if I may say so, and not to stir up trouble, but your story sounds similar to mine, and I found out my boyfriend was masturbating almost every day to porn which is why is sex drive was so low. You might want to do some minor snooping to find out. Just a suggestion.

[Stinkerbelle]

If because of a health issue, I don't see why people can't fulfill each other's needs for intimacy and sexual release without intercourse per se.

 

However, if one partner is using sex or withholding it as a weapon, you might as well get a divorce now...that's abuse, in my opinion.

[Jason 2003]

"MyMojo" is correct when she states that many (some say most) cases of Retarded Ejaculation (man can't orgasm) are caused by a lack of sufficient physical arousal for the man to orgasm/ejaculate. The same goes for men who can't get, or who lose their erections during sex. For men with these problems sex can be a nightmare, full of stress and worry and many give up trying. I think if there is enough love in the relationship then a man's (or a woman's) sexual dysfunction shouldn't mean the end of the marriage. In a perfect world the visual aspect of sex who be less important for men as it is for women but sadly that is just not the case (which is why porn is so much more popular with men)A married couple can learn to be satisfied with solo masturbation alone and carry on with the rest of their lives. A sexless marriage doesn't mean a loveless marriage.

[HappyInNJ]

Great reply, and great advice. It sounds like you knew what I was going through on a first hand basis!

 

I wanted to say that we got more into eachother and have been having sex a few times a week. I am still having erection problems, but my wife seems even more to be totaly supportivre of me becaise she saw the damage she did years ago, and I really want to move on because it's so old already, and we are not now where we were then in our relationship. It's so much better.

 

Thanks.

[Owl]

So here's a good twist for you....

 

My wife and I have been married just over 17 years now. Over the last year and a half, we ran into some pretty tough issues in our marriage, as well as some serious stress that I was having at work as well. Our marriage was going through some tough times, and we were having some tough times in talking and communicating with each other. This led up to an issue we had for a while where I was sometimes not able to complete...it had nothing to do with her, or with me not desiring her. Everything would be fine, then BAM....no fun for either of us. She took this to mean that I didn't love her, and/or didn't want her. Neither of which was the case, but she took it personally regardless.

 

What makes it interesting are the complications since. This "problem" was a major contributing factor, along with her untreated depression, into leading her to have an online emotional affair where she VERY nearly left me for this other guy that she'd NEVER met!!

 

But, she stays, and we've worked through the withdrawl for her OM she went through, and now our marriage is doing a lot better. We're talking, my job is less stressful than it used to be, and we're so much more "in synch" than we've been in years. Sex between us was AWESOME during the first part of our recovery...she even went to the doctor and began being treated for her depression!!

 

BUT...her anti-depression meds have one side affect that has hit her hard...you guessed it...lower sex drive. So now, its ME that wants it and she doesn't need it as bad. Talk about "paybacks"...LOL

 

We're working through it...but its hard for me not to "take it personally", just like she couldn't before. Luckily, I KNOW I'm in love with this woman, so there's no danger of me looking elsewhere...

 

Just thought I'd share this with ya'll for what its worth...

[Jason 2003]

Happy

 

A very hopeful post for RE guys. I wasn't sure if your problem was caused by lack of arousal or something else. When it is caused by lack of arousal, the prognosis is bleak and that's why couples stop sex altogether. If yours was caused by lack of arousal then your newfound sexual attraction to your partner is indeed rare and may give many men not sufficiently aroused by thier partner some hope. Perhaps you could tell us what changed in your relationship.

 

By the way I am studying male sexual dysfunctions in university and the rest of my class seemed to have all written papers on what I call the easy stuff....erectile difficulty. I chose R.E....far more rare (but getting less so) and much more interesting. It's resistace to treatment and the fact that it is a problem that spans all age groups, plus the fact that it's a fast growing dysfuntion, especially in young men makes RE a problem that needs further study. Some say the reason so many young men seem to be getting R.E. is because of a sexual lifetime of watching porn which causes problems when the guy's real life sexual partners don't measure up to the porn stars they are so used to seeing.

 

Jas