a simple 'hey'

[psm04]

I know that this has been probably discussed before here, but I just need to vent. OMM and I aren't really supposed to be in contact, and it has been working out fine for me. We have been going back and forth for over two years, so the NC/LC doesn't seem so painful at this point. I've been able to see the good and bad things in my marriage more clearly since I'm not in the fog. I'm not checking my phone constantly to see if he emailed. Everything seems fine. Until I see 'hey' on my work IM. Then I'm back to feeling all the mixed feelings and getting angry etc. We have an agreement that we are not supposed to be in contact for the next few weeks. Which was broken since I had a medical situation with a family member, and he wanted to know how all that was. Which is fine but I didn't expect that he would continue talking to me today as well.

 

I mean, if he told me even once that he wants to discuss options of getting together outside of the affair, its one thing. But I feel like he wants me in his life as a backup in case his wife leaves him or his kids grow up and they get a divorce or something. I'm sure he loves me. I love him too. But why does it seem like he isn't as conflicted as I am? He knows how bad I feel, and I'd think that he will support in doing what's right. He probably won't leave his marriage unless his wife leaves him. He has even told me that he wishes he caught his wife cheating so that he can tell her that he is in love with someone else. I know, I haven't taken that comment seriously.

 

I just wish I knew what is in his head. His biggest fear is that I'll stop talking to him completely.

[Owl]

This is why, in my opinion, LC doesn't usually work.

 

He's afraid of losing you completely.

 

Well...if he 'keeps' you in any fashion, he's not doing right by his marriage, and he's not doing right by you.

 

See...this just keeps sucking you back into wondering what's in his head. When really, what's in his head doesn't matter when you know the reality of what he's going to do (or not do).

 

If he's not leaving her...where does that leave you?

[psm04]

This is why, in my opinion, LC doesn't usually work.

 

He's afraid of losing you completely.

 

Well...if he 'keeps' you in any fashion, he's not doing right by his marriage, and he's not doing right by you.

 

See...this just keeps sucking you back into wondering what's in his head. When really, what's in his head doesn't matter when you know the reality of what he's going to do (or not do).

 

If he's not leaving her...where does that leave you?

 

I think he is done with working on his marriage and is just going on, and that's why he is more dependent of me than I am of him. He has told me that he has done all the talking he can about their issues. I haven't given up on my marriage. He has the advantage that he already has kids. I don't have kids, and I cannot be in an affair and start a family.

 

Going NC is going to be very difficult with him. I was hoping that LC would suffice.

[Sarabi]

Done with his marriage but still staying in it?

Would you want a man like this really..? Indecisive...content with settling with something that doesn't make him particularly happy...would you want him to be dependent on you? Don't you find someone like this a drain on your energy and sanity?

Anyway. Owls tend to be wise creatures. I suggest you listen to the one above(even though its a funny blue colour and has freaky yellow eyes )

[Owl]

I think he is done with working on his marriage and is just going on, and that's why he is more dependent of me than I am of him. He has told me that he has done all the talking he can about their issues. I haven't given up on my marriage. He has the advantage that he already has kids. I don't have kids, and I cannot be in an affair and start a family.

 

Going NC is going to be very difficult with him. I was hoping that LC would suffice.

 

The problem is...being "done with working on the marriage" doesn't mean "done with the marriage". Nor is it always (or even usually) a permanent condition.

 

I don't get it.

 

What is the outcome you want from this whole situation?

 

If you've not given up on your marriage...then why the affair? Surely you've been here long enough to gather that investing in an affair is undermining your marriage...just as investing in the marriage would be undermining the affair.

 

From where I sit, hoping for LC to work is not going to work. ANY contact undermines the marriage, nor will LC achieve the goal of ending the affair.

 

I would heartily suggest sitting down, working out for yourself exactly what outcome you want from all of this, then working through the obstacles that you see are in your way to achieving that outcome...and develop a battle plan for addressing those obstacles and reaching your goal.

 

Seriously...grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down your goal. List the things preventing you from getting there. Then sit down and come up with ways to mitigate those things and let you reach your goal. Prioritize those things, develop an action plan, and get to work.

 

Nothing stopping you but you.

[Owl]

Done with his marriage but still staying in it?

Would you want a man like this really..? Indecisive...content with settling with something that doesn't make him particularly happy...would you want him to be dependent on you? Don't you find someone like this a drain on your energy and sanity?

Anyway. Owls tend to be wise creatures. I suggest you listen to the one above(even though its a funny blue colour and has freaky yellow eyes )

 

I'm not wise...just highly opinionated! Just ask anyone here!

[Wambo]

My NC was broken today aswell and all honesty I didn't expect it to happen so soon.

 

I'm so annoyed, especially I had taken steps to blank her by either talking to a friend or focusing on my work. I guess she grew enough courage to say hello to me. However like I said I knew it was going to happen with the way she stares at me.

 

It makes me wonder what the whole point in ending the EA in the first place.

[psm04]

Would you want a man like this really..? Indecisive...content with settling with something that doesn't make him particularly happy...would you want him to be dependent on you? Don't you find someone like this a drain on your energy and sanity?

 

You're right. He is actually a pretty negative and skeptical person, and it already drains me a little bit. He says he is settling because of his kids. He is afraid that if both parents aren't present, his kids will get screwed up. Anyway, that's besides the point. It doesn't matter to me why he is with her.

[psm04]

What is the outcome you want from this whole situation?

 

If you've not given up on your marriage...then why the affair?

 

 

Knowing what I know about my situation, the outcome that I want is for the affair to stop and for us to be acquaintances/friendly. Not friends, since I can't handle it and it will never be a true friendship. We work together, so being friendly and respectful is important.

 

The affair has stopped. It has been a couple of weeks since it has been over. I had told him that I need a break for a few weeks with no contact so that I can deal with it and get over it. I didn't want to end it and then turn around and be friends the next day. Anyway, that's all screwed up now since contact has been resumed. I feel like he is choosing to be oblivious. Neither one of us made any promises to each other throughout this ordeal. It just went out of hand and too much to handle the two worlds. Especially for me. For him, two worlds seems better than not having the alternate universe.

 

I can't worry about what is best for him anymore. I need to just take care of myself and my life.

[psm04]

My NC was broken today aswell and all honesty I didn't expect it to happen so soon.

 

I'm so annoyed, especially I had taken steps to blank her by either talking to a friend or focusing on my work. I guess she grew enough courage to say hello to me. However like I said I knew it was going to happen with the way she stares at me.

 

It makes me wonder what the whole point in ending the EA in the first place.

 

Doesn't it make you mad when they break contact, knowing that you are going through turmoil? It's like they don't care. I'm really wanting to and trying to do the right thing.

 

I'm dreading work tomorrow. I might just have to tell him that I can't talk.

[Wambo]

Doesn't it make you mad when they break contact, knowing that you are going through turmoil? It's like they don't care. I'm really wanting to and trying to do the right thing.

 

 

Yes it does make me angry however she's going through turmoil as well. It's a difficult situation to manage without exposing the affair. I can't even ask questions about her without raising suspicions about me or my intentions. However yesterday did raise some questions about her behaviour and I'm wondering if she is playing mind games with me. Still it look like I need to have a conversation with her and try settle the matter. The only other option is to chat to a female friend while she is present. Childish I know and it will upset her.

[BrokenPrincess]

Doesn't it make you mad when they break contact, knowing that you are going through turmoil? It's like they don't care. I'm really wanting to and trying to do the right thing.

 

 

It's funny because sometimes I wonder if my xMM DOESN'T break nc because he doesn't care.

[psm04]

Yes it does make me angry however she's going through turmoil as well. It's a difficult situation to manage without exposing the affair. I can't even ask questions about her without raising suspicions about me or my intentions. However yesterday did raise some questions about her behaviour and I'm wondering if she is playing mind games with me. Still it look like I need to have a conversation with her and try settle the matter. The only other option is to chat to a female friend while she is present. Childish I know and it will upset her.

 

It is difficult. And I hate mind games. I think he still plays them, even if he isn't intentionally meaning harm. I have played them too. I've talked to other male friends in his presence knowing that he would get jealous. I've waited a whole day to respond to an email, etc. Somehow I feel like it keeps me balanced and guarded by doing those things.

[psm04]

It's funny because sometimes I wonder if my xMM DOESN'T break nc because he doesn't care.

 

Yeah, I've done that too. I guess it doesn't matter if they contact us or not. We will always feel insecure, which is inevitable in these types of situations.

[trailrunner1975]

It's funny because sometimes I wonder if my xMM DOESN'T break nc because he doesn't care.

He probably does. It could be more of a recovery thing on his end, of course I don't know the story so I may be way off. My ex AP probably thinks the same of me, though in my case it is a way of recovery from all the hot/cold and wild lies I was fed while in the fog. When I went NC it was as though I never existed.

[trailrunner1975]

I should clarify she ended it so I felt NC was the best course for me to take.

[psm04]

After two years and after reading the forum you don't know??????????

 

 

He loves you as his OW. He loves extramarital sex to spice up his marriage. Sex with the same woman over and over again is boring. SO bit of a break is nice!

 

He also loves you. He loves you as his OW. He loves you withing the realm of the affair. OM also knows he has the upper hand and he goes along with your petitions, but all he has to do is try and you are there. Yu are a magnificent lift for his ego.

 

 

How hard can it be????

 

Pierre, I see what you are saying. But the reason why I don't know is that I am not in the category that you describe above. I am married, but I wasn't compartmentalizing or using OMM for an ego lift. I didn't love him as an OM. I loved him as him, inside and outside of the affair realm. I didn't come home and put on my wife hat. He was always on my mind. That is why I just can't deal with it anymore. It was exhausting. Still is in some ways because I can't really get over some of it.

 

I don't know that MM completely compartmentalized me either. But for some reason, he would rather have me even in a completely platonic capacity than not have me in his life at all. For me, being in his life in any capacity isn't easy at the moment.

[thecharade]

Mars.

Venus.

 

A woman believes marriage is a beginning, a journey. Her marital tie is based in emotion, and the commitment will be negotiable in the face of those possibly changing emotions.

"I can't stay married when I love someone else or when I feel unloved!"

 

A man believes marriage is an arrival, the end of a journey. His marital anchor is set with his commitment, and the emotions he may or may not experience will be negotiable.

"I can't get divorced just because I love someone else or don't love my wife!"

 

I'm generalizing, but there is a fundamental difference in the way women and men view the institution of marriage. I've read a lot on the subject, and I believe women and men will never fully see eye to eye as they navigate marriage because of their differing instincts.

 

Just my take after ridiculously extensive research.

[thecharade]

I believe this explains why men become complacent and stay, while women who feel their H's complacency will leave. I actually think it explains most everything, but especially the two BIG stats: 70% of divorces are initiated by women and 95% of cheating men stay with their wives. It also explains why a wife's affair is far more likely to result in a divorce than a husband's affair.

 

I think the research reveals what many OW already know: we were and are loved, no matter how appearances deceive. Take that thought to bed and snuggle, ladies. At least we've got that knowledge.

[psm04]

Mars.

Venus.

 

A woman believes marriage is a beginning, a journey. Her marital tie is based in emotion, and the commitment will be negotiable in the face of those possibly changing emotions.

"I can't stay married when I love someone else or when I feel unloved!"

 

A man believes marriage is an arrival, the end of a journey. His marital anchor is set with his commitment, and the emotions he may or may not experience will be negotiable.

"I can't get divorced just because I love someone else or don't love my wife!"

 

This makes a lot of sense. Maybe that's why I struggle with this more than he does. His rationalization is different from mine.

[psm04]

This is your choice!

 

Ugh, and that's what makes everything more difficult. I'll get there one day.

[ladydesigner]

I believe this explains why men become complacent and stay, while women who feel their H's complacency will leave. I actually think it explains most everything, but especially the two BIG stats: 70% of divorces are initiated by women and 95% of cheating men stay with their wives. It also explains why a wife's affair is far more likely to result in a divorce than a husband's affair.

 

I think the research reveals what many OW already know: we were and are loved, no matter how appearances deceive. Take that thought to bed and snuggle, ladies. At least we've got that knowledge.

 

I'm not sure this is what anyone wants to hear, but I did not love my xAP. It took me time to figure this out but I did not love him, nor did I love myself during my A. It was like I was trying to drown my misery out into any outlet I could and he was my outlet. What I really wanted was my M to be okay. What a way to go about making my M okay

 

Just saying what is perceived by one may not necessarily be perceived by the other.