In my first affair and I'm way too head over heels. now what?

[Wayne696]

I recently met a married woman and we've been having a full blown affair for about two months now. It's been hot and heavy and all-encompassing. We communicate daily, see each other at least once a week, and have spent the night together multiple times. And it is amazing when we are together!!! I haven't felt like this in years, decades, even.

 

That's the good part. Of course, there's a dark side, and I hope some of you can help me cope.

 

I'm finding it nearly impossible to compartmentalize any of this. I can't get her out of my mind, and it's like I'm walking around in a perpetual fog. Add to that I get terribly, terribly, depressed when we're not together.

 

Like me, she's married, but unlike me, she's happy in her marriage. And as irrational as it is, I find myself actually getting envious of the time she spends with her husband, and it tears me up inside. There will be times when she tells me she's not going to be able to get in touch with me, or she has somewhere she needs to be and she has to leave, and I know it's because she's going out with her husband. And I feel completely dejected and deflated at those moments.

 

I have a hard time reconciling the fact that she is happily married, with a husband, yet here she is with me.

 

Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? Any advice at all?

 

thanks in advance!

[canuckprincess]

I recently met a married woman and we've been having a full blown affair for about two months now. It's been hot and heavy and all-encompassing. We communicate daily, see each other at least once a week, and have spent the night together multiple times. And it is amazing when we are together!!! I haven't felt like this in years, decades, even.

 

That's the good part. Of course, there's a dark side, and I hope some of you can help me cope.

 

I'm finding it nearly impossible to compartmentalize any of this. I can't get her out of my mind, and it's like I'm walking around in a perpetual fog. Add to that I get terribly, terribly, depressed when we're not together.

 

Like me, she's married, but unlike me, she's happy in her marriage. And as irrational as it is, I find myself actually getting envious of the time she spends with her husband, and it tears me up inside. There will be times when she tells me she's not going to be able to get in touch with me, or she has somewhere she needs to be and she has to leave, and I know it's because she's going out with her husband. And I feel completely dejected and deflated at those moments.

 

I have a hard time reconciling the fact that she is happily married, with a husband, yet here she is with me.

 

Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? Any advice at all?

 

thanks in advance!

 

First off if she was happily married she wouldn't be cheating on her husband. In my opinion the only person your mw loves is herself.

[Wayne696]

First off if she was happily married she wouldn't be cheating on her husband. In my opinion the only person your mw loves is herself.

 

Thanks for the straight talk. I hadn't looked at it that way. She has told me she loves me, for whatever that's worth. And I've told her the same thing.

 

But she's made it clear that our 'thing' is just that, a thing, and her family/spouse will always come first. While I feel like I would leave everything for her right now.

[Owl]

My advice is to tell your wife about what is going on.

 

It'll either fix your marriage so that you eventually become happy in it...or it will end it, freeing you up to find someone with whom you can be happy.

 

Don't worry so much about what's going on in her marriage until you've had the chance to address/end what's going on in yours.

[Woggle]

So you are envious of a man getting cheated on by his wife?

[Babolat]

I recently met a married woman and we've been having a full blown affair for about two months now. It's been hot and heavy and all-encompassing. We communicate daily, see each other at least once a week, and have spent the night together multiple times. And it is amazing when we are together!!! I haven't felt like this in years, decades, even.

 

That's the good part. Of course, there's a dark side, and I hope some of you can help me cope.

 

I'm finding it nearly impossible to compartmentalize any of this. I can't get her out of my mind, and it's like I'm walking around in a perpetual fog. Add to that I get terribly, terribly, depressed when we're not together.

 

Like me, she's married, but unlike me, she's happy in her marriage. And as irrational as it is, I find myself actually getting envious of the time she spends with her husband, and it tears me up inside. There will be times when she tells me she's not going to be able to get in touch with me, or she has somewhere she needs to be and she has to leave, and I know it's because she's going out with her husband. And I feel completely dejected and deflated at those moments.

 

I have a hard time reconciling the fact that she is happily married, with a husband, yet here she is with me.

 

Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? Any advice at all?

 

thanks in advance!

 

Easy answer, walk away from this now.

[Wayne696]

My advice is to tell your wife about what is going on.

 

It'll either fix your marriage so that you eventually become happy in it...or it will end it, freeing you up to find someone with whom you can be happy.

 

Don't worry so much about what's going on in her marriage until you've had the chance to address/end what's going on in yours.

 

My marriage has been past fixing for a long time, I think. I just don't think either of us has the emotional courage to confront that reality.

[affairaddict]

Yes. There's something missing in your relationship do you still want your wife?

 

In order for you to come back to reality you just end things with your MW she's just using you for a bit of extra validation. Tell her goodbye and not to contact you again unless she leaves her marriage.

 

Tell your wife, you can be free of the guilt and you will see things clearer.

You are living in the land of denial

[Wayne696]

So you are envious of a man getting cheated on by his wife?

 

I guess so. I know it's stupid of me to feel that way. He gets her 95% of the time. I get 5%. I want the other 95%. Lame right?

[Woggle]

I guess so. I know it's stupid of me to feel that way. He gets her 95% of the time. I get 5%. I want the other 95%. Lame right?

 

Just because she is around all that time does not mean he gets her. Chances are he is getting her distance and an I love you but not in love you speech is coming.

[ComingInHot]

Wayne, you ask, "what do you do now"??

 

READ HERE!!

Read what Your choices are doing to not only your Wife but Your Families.

Read about other cheaters and the Consequences they had (Even the ones where the cheaters ended up together*).

Read about everything regarding adultery, infidelity , cheating, separation & divorce.

 

When you've read til your blue in the face, look in the mirror and decide what kind of a man you've become and if that man is someone you can be proud of.

 

I look forward to hearing back from you after that*

[KathyM]

It's obviously just sex for her. That's usually the case when it comes to affairs. People not interested in leaving their relationship, just looking for some action on the side. If they were interested in leaving, they would have left. Apparently you are not intending to leave your spouse either, or you would have done it. I would suggest you drop this woman. She has made it clear she is not leaving her marriage, and even if she were to eventually make promises to leave or consider leaving, would you really want to try to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who has no concern for what she's doing to her spouse? Who would cheat on her spouse? If she has so little regard for her marriage or her husband that she would cheat, then why would you want to pursue a relationship with her anyway? You'd be setting yourself up for the same treatment she is now giving her husband. And if you value your wife so little that you are willing to cheat on her, then for heaven's sake, set her free to find someone who WILL value her. Then you can actually find an honest relationship with someone who can be all into you and available to you.

[affairaddict]

Yes. There's something missing in your relationship do you still want your wife?

 

In order for you to come back to reality you just end things with your MW she's just using you for a bit of extra validation. Tell her goodbye and not to contact you again unless she leaves her marriage.

 

Tell your wife, you can be free of the guilt and you will see things clearer.

You are living in the land of denial

[affairaddict]

Sorry for double posting.

[Wayne696]

 

I can see this happening, but I feel powerless to avoid it. It's almost like I want it to happen - force me to confront my unhappy marriage, and like someone else said, either fix it or move on.

 

We both met via a web site for people looking to cheat, so I know she's just in it for the validation, or sex, or whatever. I thought that would be enough for me too, you know? Just physical sex.

 

But I think it's gotten to where It's more than sex, for both of us, that I believe. Or am I just projecting, and reading into it more than there is?

 

But I also think, although I dont know, that whatever it is, she's compartmentalized it to where she can go home, go out with her spouse, etc.

 

Whereas I'm just a complete basket case, barely able to function.

[jlola]

First off if she was happily married she wouldn't be cheating on her husband. In my opinion the only person your mw loves is herself.

 

Canuckprincess,

Why do you think happy men cannot cheat? How do you explain the millions of men who are dating or engaged and still want to cheat? If they were so unhappy in a relationship that has no ties, no children, no finances, no house together,why are they still there?

 

Why is teh answer that they are unhappy within themselves and no one can give them that happiness but themselves? Why can they not just be selfish people.entitled ,like having many sexual partners,the sort who like the chase and the conquest but get bored with the catch very quickly. the narcissist, sociopath,borderline personality,bi-polar, histrionic,depressed and many other reasons.

 

If OW still blames his lack of happiness for the affair, then why is she not making him happy enough to leave the marriage. Why would he not risk all for her love?

 

The reality is,SOME people can possibly be unhappy in the marriage. But they are not unhappy enough to give up the perks. People get divorced every single day without an affair, but with OW/OM coddling WS's with built in excuses they make it easy to stay in an affair for years whie the WS lives life with 2 people to fulfill all his needs.

 

Yazeed Essa is a man who had numerous mistresses. He killed his wife. But the really amazing part was on the stand, ONE of the mistresses said he would tell her "I was the love of his life, I was his dream come true". This sounds so familiar. I am sure all his other mistresses were told the same. We hear it on the board everyday.

 

The mistresses were all love with him. They all dreamed of replacing his wife. He cheated on all his mistresses. But yet, they all thought they were the one he "really loved" cause he said so. So they competed and they waited and they made excuses for his bad behavior.

 

 

He is a doctor who did end up killing his wife, and though it ended tragically and in very unusual circumstances, he is like a lot of people having LONG TERM affairs. bad boundaries,low impulse control,narcissistic and in need of an ego stroke.

[jphcbpa]

What do you want for youself? Do not choose between your wife or the ow, you need to choose yourself. She is not going to leaver her H. She would move onto the next A in a heartbeat if you ended it. But this is not about her or your W. This is about you and your future.

 

I would suggest a therapist ASAP!

 

You sound a little love addicted too.

[jlola]

I can see this happening, but I feel powerless to avoid it. It's almost like I want it to happen - force me to confront my unhappy marriage, and like someone else said, either fix it or move on.

 

We both met via a web site for people looking to cheat, so I know she's just in it for the validation, or sex, or whatever. I thought that would be enough for me too, you know? Just physical sex.

 

But I think it's gotten to where It's more than sex, for both of us, that I believe. Or am I just projecting, and reading into it more than there is?

 

But I also think, although I dont know, that whatever it is, she's compartmentalized it to where she can go home, go out with her spouse, etc.

 

Whereas I'm just a complete basket case, barely able to function.

 

people who need validation and have low self esteem fall in love quickly. Two months and you met on an affair website and you think this is love? Real love takes much longer to develop.

 

How well do you really know her? It takes a long time to truly know someone's character,personality and all. Seeing someone once in a while and talking to them on the phone is not at all the same as living life with them.

 

 

Ask yourself why a woman cheating on her husband is the one you think is your "one and only". What makes her so special, besides the way she makes you feel?

[Owl]

Just because you and others say this is one of those affair fallacies doesn't make it a real fact. There are no real empirical studies on this stuff. MY opinion is that people THINK they're happy in their marriages, but have split selves. One side of them is grounded very much in their social relationship to the outside world, ie their image. Another part of them has these other unmet needs. This is actually a very common view of affairs in psychology terms, but it gets no traction here on LS. These boards are dominated by ONE particular affair dogma. Google "split self affair".

 

Good luck--I'm in the same boat as you and ending it has been a relief but no less painful. When you're caught and she compartmentalized you even more you will feel very used. It's very painful and though I don't agree with disclosure I do agree with freeing yourself from this situation any way you can.

 

Actually, I don't think the "split self theory" is all that supported throughout the counselors/therapists/psychologists that help folks working through infidelity issues.

 

There are some that do subscribe to it, I grant you. But it certainly was not widely supported amongst the several MC's/IC's that I worked with through the course of recovering our marriage.

 

I think this theory is widely supported amongst WS's and AP's that have heard of it, because it provides an "out" for the behavior. See the thread over on the infidelity side if you're interested.

 

The base question that is never answered in this is if that "split self" was a real thing prior to the affair occurring, but was never realized by anyone until the affair....or was it simply the cognitive/emotional disconnect CREATED by the affair instead?

 

I personally suspect the latter.

 

Back to the OP:

 

I get that you feel your marriage has been 'over' for a long time.

 

Here's my suggestion then. Go home, tonight, and ask her if she's felt that same way, if she agrees. Tell her that you've been seeing someone else, and are slowly falling for her, and want to let your wife go since you feel the marriage has been dead for a long time anyway.

 

See if she agrees.

 

Simple enough.

[jphcbpa]

I can see this happening, but I feel powerless to avoid it. It's almost like I want it to happen - force me to confront my unhappy marriage, and like someone else said, either fix it or move on.

 

We both met via a web site for people looking to cheat, so I know she's just in it for the validation, or sex, or whatever. I thought that would be enough for me too, you know? Just physical sex.

 

But I think it's gotten to where It's more than sex, for both of us, that I believe. Or am I just projecting, and reading into it more than there is?

 

But I also think, although I dont know, that whatever it is, she's compartmentalized it to where she can go home, go out with her spouse, etc.

 

Whereas I'm just a complete basket case, barely able to function.

 

Wow, sounds just like me about 18 months ago. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. This woman and this A are doing you a HUGE favor by forcing you to look at yourself and you M.

[jlola]

I read this somehwere. Very interesting. Broken people have broken relationships. Noone can MAKE THEM HAPPY!!!!

 

It doesn’t matter how smart, successful or independent (or feminist) the woman is. If she’s emotionally damaged, she will sabotage what’s good for her and run to things that are bad for her. Women with high IQs can have low emotional IQs. Such women will be suffocated by intimacy and excited by the thrill of danger. So says the laws of the universe.

 

But it goes the other way too. There are men who are attracted to femme fatales. Like DeNiro’s character in Casino. He falls for Sharon Stone’s character, a histrionic borderline who betrays his trust over and over again. Just when he provides her with security and stability, she gets bored, betrays him and runs off with some Judas. But like a true co-dependent, DeNiro’s character takes her in, every time she comes crawling back. He is rewarding her bad behavior and therefore ensuring his own demise.

 

We like to think that human beings make decisions based on rational thought. But most of our behavior is dictated by our past and our emotions.

[Wayne696]

 

I get that you feel your marriage has been 'over' for a long time.

 

Here's my suggestion then. Go home, tonight, and ask her if she's felt that same way, if she agrees. Tell her that you've been seeing someone else, and are slowly falling for her, and want to let your wife go since you feel the marriage has been dead for a long time anyway.

 

See if she agrees.

 

Simple enough.

 

I do feel that way. But I don't have the courage to take your suggestion. I just don't.

[Owl]

I do feel that way. But I don't have the courage to take your suggestion. I just don't.

 

Well, to misquote mythbusters..."Well....there's your problem!".

 

I'd say that this the first thing you need to address...the primary thing you need to focus on, and change.

 

Forget OW. Right now...you need to recognize that if you're not man enough to make your own choices and do the right thing...you will never be happy.

 

You can DO anything you need to do.

 

In this case, you're simply not willing to do it. You're not willing to accept the consequences of your choices.

 

To use another great quote..."Its time to nut up...or shut up!".

 

Nothing will change until YOU change first.

[MMY]

I thought my M was over when I had Dday we both were M and both had our problems that we confided in one another. But in the end we both knew it wouldn't work. It started off as just friends, EM and then a full blown A for 18 months. She went NC as she is getting a D, I thought we could still be friends but I have since realized with IC, MC, reading and being here on LS that it couldn't and shouldn't go any further.

 

My W and I have worked at being better for each other and have made great strides. I still get lost and miss the friendship we had because she had become my goto person with all the sh$# going on in my life. So there are those days that I feel I have no one to talk with.

 

FYI, each day gets better. So My suggestion is to really look at what needs your missing out from your M and also the needs you are not giving your W.

 

21 years, two kids and lifes ups and downs cause our M to become stagnant but I am thankful my W has stayed and work on our M.

 

Best wishes

[Wayne696]

What do you want for youself? Do not choose between your wife or the ow, you need to choose yourself. She is not going to leaver her H. She would move onto the next A in a heartbeat if you ended it. But this is not about her or your W. This is about you and your future.

 

I would suggest a therapist ASAP!

 

You sound a little love addicted too.

 

Can you tell me what you mean by love addicted? I'm sorry I'm not familiar with that, but maybe I am.

 

AND, I'm sure she would move onto another A, because I'm her 'move-on' from a previous guy.