In my first affair and I'm way too head over heels. now what?

[Wayne696]

To all of the posters - thank you! I'm in such a funk right now, it's good to hear some perspectives from other people.

 

I feel like I'm on some kind of drug when were together, and when the drug wears off, I can't stand it, and I want the drug (her) again. And I would rather have the pain if that's what it takes to have the good, than not have it at all.

 

Do you think it's really possible to love your spouse and your AP? or maybe this isn't love at all.

 

Do people have long term affairs that they are happy with? I can't stand the thought of being without my OW right now, but I know I can't go on being depressed the other 6 days of the week either!!!!

 

What is going to happen? The novelty wears off and she or I move on? Things just fizzle out of their own accord? I get busted and left high and dry with no spouse and no OW?

[Daisy2013]

To all of the posters - thank you! I'm in such a funk right now, it's good to hear some perspectives from other people.

 

I feel like I'm on some kind of drug when were together, and when the drug wears off, I can't stand it, and I want the drug (her) again. And I would rather have the pain if that's what it takes to have the good, than not have it at all.

 

 

This is addiction. Been there, done that, and thought I would die. Still think I will die at times.

 

Please break off this A before it destroys you. It will. Mine is over, we are just friends, but today, I'm holding on by a thread. Please do whatever you need to end this.

[Wayne696]

Please break off this A before it destroys you. Please do whatever you need to end this.

 

I can't or won't, rather. I'm serious when I say I haven't felt this alive in a long, long, time. I feel like life before this was just coasting along, and now I'm on a roller coaster, and I'm not strapped in.

 

People manage these things and still function, right? Right?

[fanine]

I can't or won't, rather. I'm serious when I say I haven't felt this alive in a long, long, time. I feel like life before this was just coasting along, and now I'm on a roller coaster, and I'm not strapped in.

 

People manage these things and still function, right? Right?

 

We think we can. But I doubt you will find many people who are quite happy with it after a while. I think you can see that from all the people posting on here.

 

Such things stir up so many emotions that you can never imagine having. It is nothing like a 'normal' relationship. I wish I had got out of mine a long time before now. But I kept thinking I could cope with it. But it wore me down emotionally and physically....and it becomes a vicious circle because then it almost gets harder to get out of.

 

You end up on a roller coaster that you feel you can't get off.

[Ruffian1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne696I do feel that way. But I don't have the courage to take your suggestion. I just don't.

What are you scared of Wayne . . if you tell your W? Do you see something terrible happening, like she commits suicide or what? Do you have kids with your wife? I would really like to understand.

[road]

My marriage has been past fixing for a long time, I think. I just don't think either of us has the emotional courage to confront that reality.

 

No marriage can be fixed when one of the spouses is in an affair.

[Daisy2013]

I can't or won't, rather. I'm serious when I say I haven't felt this alive in a long, long, time. I feel like life before this was just coasting along, and now I'm on a roller coaster, and I'm not strapped in.

 

People manage these things and still function, right? Right?

 

 

Not for long. My A did, said he'd never felt so alive. Me, too. I'm dead now that it is over. But, I'm refocusing on me and my M and H and doing what is right. I'm new here, but I read many people in the same struggle I am in. Maybe some can, but many can't handle the ups and downs. They all have them, if you read.

 

What I can promise is that the "drug" feeling and needing your fix (the addiction) can destroy you. Your days will be ups and downs, and it all depends on HOW SHE ACTS towards you as to how you will feel. Is that something you want? I don't.

 

Getting out before it goes on too long is the best thing you can do for yourself. Will it hurt? Oh, yes! I told you, mine is over, we are just friends, we are in LC, but I still have bad days. Like today, I'm missing him and just wish I could not exist. But the days are fewer than when we were in the A...waiting oh him.

 

I wish you luck.

[whichwayisup]

You either accept that you are the OM in her life and enjoy the affair for what it is and for however long it lasts, or end it and try to fix your marriage or divorce your wife. To hang onto someone who is happy in their marriage and has been able to separate her feelings easily between you and her husband, isn't healthy for you in the long run.

 

Some people (man or woman) are able to continue in an A for a long time, can separate love, care and sex. It seems your MW is one of those types. You aren't.

 

Take time to figure out if you can cope with everything that comes along with an affair and ask yourself if you are indeed happy. Sounds like you're not much of the time.

[whichwayisup]

My marriage has been past fixing for a long time, I think. I just don't think either of us has the emotional courage to confront that reality.

 

But you really "don't know" until you sit down with your wife and lay it out on the table. Maybe she's just as miserable as you are and together you two can either figure it out by staying married and having an open marriage, or divorce so your wife can meet and fall in love with a man who will love and adore her.

[jlola]

You are highly addicted to her because she is taken. She belongs to another man and you surreptitiously have sex with her.

 

 

 

I think the drug is getting what you crave intermittently. Not having it all the time makes you obsess over it.

 

In the book "The art of seduction" Don Juan is infatuated with Cristeta, a woman he had previously left . When he finds out she is married. He then falls madly in love with her seeing her as a challenge.

 

I know the same thing happened to a friend. He was dating a woman years ago who gave him an ultimatum. Marriage. He did not want it and let her go.

 

Years later, she contacted him on facebook. She was now married. He then fell madly in love(now that he could only see her intermittently) and they had an affair for 2 years.

 

When I asked him if he did not think it odd,when she was available he let her go. But when she was taken, she was his soulmate, he said he never thought about that. But it was a good question.

 

 

When we can only have what we want at intermittent times, we crave it. We dream of it. We want it all the more. We make it out to be better than it actually is.

 

But when we have it always have access, like eating the most delicious cake everyday, we do not appreciate it as much.

[Wayne696]

DIVORCE is your friend! Why do you hide this affair from your wife? What is the point? I can see MOW hiding the affair because for her the H and marriage is important. But, you? Why are you even cheating? The act of cheating implies you at least want to preserve the status quo at home.

 

Because we have kids. A divorce would be extremely disruptive. And I don't have the emotional courage or fortitude to deal with that sort of traumatic event.

[Wayne696]

MOW loves you a lot. But she loves you in the affair compartment. If there was a d-day you would find yourself under the bus. However, within the context of the affair the love is real!!!!!

 

That's very insightful. Thank you. I guess I take some comfort in knowing that at least for both of us it FEELS REAL! But if reality were to come crashing in I would be left high and dry.

[whichwayisup]

Because we have kids. A divorce would be extremely disruptive. And I don't have the emotional courage or fortitude to deal with that sort of traumatic event.

 

Yet you choosing to cheat on your wife, could do MUCH MORE damage to your children with a messy divorce rather than just divorcing because mom and dad don't love each other anymore, so you and your wife could still co parent together on friendlier terms. An affair will kill all that and ruin any possibility of that. It's only a matter of time before your wife finds out either on her own or if someone else tells her. Never say never.

[Wayne696]

Are you sure you are a guy? Not kidding, you post like a very sensitive person and at times sound a bit OWish. I don't think that is a bad thing and it simply shows you are deeply in love.

 

Yes, I am a guy. And yes, I do feel deeply in love - with someone I met two months ago. That's just the dopamine in my brain and it's crazy right?

[Wayne696]

Yet you choosing to cheat on your wife, could do MUCH MORE damage to your children with a messy divorce rather than just divorcing because mom and dad don't love each other anymore, so you and your wife could still co parent together on friendlier terms. An affair will kill all that and ruin any possibility of that. It's only a matter of time before your wife finds out either on her own or if someone else tells her. Never say never.

 

Good point. And I have been getting more and more reckless with this each day.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I am a guy. And yes, I do feel deeply in love - with someone I met two months ago. That's just the dopamine in my brain and it's crazy right?

 

Yes. Your escape from your 'real life and reality'. Its so easy to fall for someone else when their sh.t doesn't stink and you have an affair with them behind closed doors, away from the bad stuff in life, daily stresses, family, kids, in laws, work, illnesses, etc..etc.. There's no real test. The glue that holds you together is based on affair feelings and lust, in the heat of moment.. And that is precisely why she will throw you under the bus. That glue isn't strong nor is enough to make her leave her husband and be with you, marry you, start a new life with you.

[whichwayisup]

Good point. And I have been getting more and more reckless with this each day.

 

Is it possible you're subconsciously being passive and messy about it, hoping she'll find out and kick you out? Make the decision for you since you can't make one yourself?

[Wayne696]

The glue that holds you together is based on affair feelings and lust, in the heat of moment.. And that is precisely why she will throw you under the bus. That glue isn't strong nor is enough to make her leave her husband and be with you, marry you, start a new life with you.

 

We've actually had that conversation, yet in the back of my mind I'm thinking. this time is different. Which is total lovestruck BS I know.

[whichwayisup]

We've actually had that conversation, yet in the back of my mind I'm thinking. this time is different. Which is total lovestruck BS I know.

 

Different how? What was said in the conversation...If you don't mind me asking.

[Wayne696]

Is it possible you're subconsciously being passive and messy about it, hoping she'll find out and kick you out? Make the decision for you since you can't make one yourself?

 

I think that's totally possible. I might even be consciously messy about it.

[2sunny]

To all of the posters - thank you! I'm in such a funk right now, it's good to hear some perspectives from other people.

 

I feel like I'm on some kind of drug when were together, and when the drug wears off, I can't stand it, and I want the drug (her) again. And I would rather have the pain if that's what it takes to have the good, than not have it at all.

 

Do you think it's really possible to love your spouse and your AP? or maybe this isn't love at all.

 

Do people have long term affairs that they are happy with? I can't stand the thought of being without my OW right now, but I know I can't go on being depressed the other 6 days of the week either!!!!

 

What is going to happen? The novelty wears off and she or I move on? Things just fizzle out of their own accord? I get busted and left high and dry with no spouse and no OW?

 

I have a question - have you posted here under another user name?

[woinlove]

Wayne, I don't see any reason to not believe your AP when she says she is happily married and this is just an affair for her, not something to replace her M, even if she tosses the love word around with you.

 

For one thing, saying I love you can mean different things to different people. It can mean I love having sex with you. It can mean I love the rush of new-relationship feelings with you even if I don't want anything permanent with you.

 

For another thing, it is possible to be happily married, want to stay married, and still enjoy having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone else. This is not uncommon in open marriages.

 

I'm not sure about the lying and deception. I have a tendency to think people who are carrying out deception on a daily basis aren't really happy, but that is largely because I can't imagine being happy while behaving that way. Others seem to pull it off and say they are happy with either the M, their A, or both. Perhaps they would be even happier living an authentic, open life, but they may not know that.

 

In any case, whether someone can be happy while being so deceptive is a trait internal to them and not dependent on who their spouse is. The question for you is why you think you would be happy with your AP? Does a partner who likes to have a secret A during a happy M appeal to you or are you ignoring this trait in your AP? If you are interested in more than an affair, don't ignore this trait.

[whichwayisup]

I think that's totally possible. I might even be consciously messy about it.

 

Man UP. Seriously, it's much better to come clean and lay it out all, be honest. Your wife will be hurt and pissed at you but at least she'll respect you for being honest and courageous to tell the truth. Not knowing IS worse than knowing, so chances are she knows but doesn't believe you'd ever betray her so her mind won't allow her to 'go' there. Please tell her the truth.

[Wayne696]

Different how? What was said in the conversation...If you don't mind me asking.

 

I'm sure our situation isn't different than others at all. She's been very clear from the beginning that she's not looking to escape her marriage or mess up anyone else's.

 

It's just me being pitifully naive and thinking that if one of us did get found out that we would still be together and we wouldn't end up dropping it like it's hot.

[whichwayisup]

For one thing, saying I love you can mean different things to different people. It can mean I love having sex with you. It can mean I love the rush of new-relationship feelings with you even if I don't want anything permanent with you.

 

Very true. She very well could be totally in love but that's not enough to change her whole life for you, let go of what she has with her husband, the life as she knows it, her extended family, in laws, house, daily routine. This is why she's happy having you and staying married, just like you're OK with being married and having her on the side as well. Each of you on some level are using one another, even if you both feel love.