In my first affair and I'm way too head over heels. now what?

[Wayne696]

 

You surely dont think that two LYING CHEATERS who were LOOKING FOR SEX could possible have any sort of future together?

Good Luck. You will certainly need it.

 

That's exactly what we are, isn't it? Nothing more.

 

Thanks for your comments, and relating your experience.

[Wayne696]

 

WAYNE, remind me again, Why don't you Divorce your Wife?

I don't want to go through with the trauma/hassle?

Are you "cool" with what You are doing To Her?

No.

Are you keeping her now as "back-up"?

No.

Are you "afraid" of being alone?

Possibly

 

What's the issue again with coming clean and being honest? I forget.

 

Question for you. So you really don't think that it's possible for someone, like the MOW, to be happy in their marriage and have an affair on the side?

 

Maybe like Pierre said, I just need to find a way to enjoy it for what it is - fantastical sex (and believe me, that's putting it mildly) without getting so wrapped up in it.

 

Believe it or not, I'm already feeling better today after reading all of these replies.

[Wayne696]

You are doomed bro.

 

The good news is that your fate is in your hands.

 

Get out now or you will suffer a 1000 times more. Secondly, your kids will not think very highly of you. They will feel betrayed by you.

 

Didn't you say in an earlier post that I've got the best of both worlds? Or are you saying that I'm not capable of separating both worlds? Which may entirely be true.

 

At any rate, all these responses have got me re-evaluating my choices.

[Wayne696]

Sure, you could be a cold blooded typical philandering man that is just looking for a side dish. But, you are not!

 

No, I'm not. I wish I was though.

[ComingInHot]

Wayne wrote, "Question for you. So you really don't think that it's possible for someone, like the MOW, to be happy in their marriage and have an affair on the side?"

 

This is a VERY good Question and there are opposing beliefs depending on which side of the A triangle you're on.

But Truly, the Only one to REALLY know the answer is the Married Spouse who is cheating...

 

I can give you My own experience and what My H figured out during the A and why he ended it though*

My H was hitting "Mid-Life", we had put all our eggs in One basket and started a business, the economy bottomed out, he felt like it was his and only his responsibility to provide and support for our family (even though we worked together). He is, by nature, prideful, egotistical, arrogant, self righteousness and self entitled and Never or RARELY makes mistakes... He is also generous, kind, loving, protective, JEALOUS to and of me as well as eager to please me.

Our sex life is over the top and exciting and... constant*

 

As you can see, the stress for someone like my H was Monumental during the building stages of our company. He was stressed out of his mind daily for a good two years as well has moving into his 40's.

Along came pretty Young thing who thought she was the "cat's meow". She had been M, then she cheated then divorced and was then single with a special needs child. She was looking for someone to "take care of her". My H was attracted to her immediately. They spent time together working on tech stuff. They came onto each other evenly.

 

He started being a Jackhole to me and our children!! He was Never home but "working late". Everything became My Fault as things that were ultimately his responsibility were not getting done... go figure.

I asked him if he was not happy in our M and he screamed OF COURSE I AM!! I WOULDN'T BE HERE IF I WEREN'T!! AND NO I'M NOT CHEATING!!!

 

He literally became someone I didn't know yet we still had great sex all the time.

 

Then all of a sudden as Fast as his attitude went to Sh*t, it got better.

 

A few (I don't know 4-5 to 6-10 months later) exOW outed the A to me.

 

Now to answer your question, He explained that he WAS happy in our M and with me and our family ALL ALONG. He also felt that he just Check Out of Himself during the A so as not to have to face his mortality, his belief that he was Not as successful as he should be yet, that he deserved a little fun escape from the pressure that Life and himself had put on him. When he realized that he was risking the most precious things in his life for a little ego stroking and stress relief, he was mortified and found his way back on the path that was most important to him, Me, our M & family.

 

Wayne, sorry my explanation was so long but I wanted you to get a glimpse of My stitch so you can HOPEFULLY compare it to your own.

My H was Happy in our M and with me before the A.

 

The difference I think Wayne is that you are stating you were Not happy prior to the A...

 

Hope this helped*

[Wayne696]

WAYNE, remind me again, Why don't you Divorce your Wife?

Are you "cool" with what You are doing To Her?

Are you keeping her now as "back-up"?

Are you "afraid" of being alone?

 

I thought about this in more detail. And yes, being alone scares me.

And the prospect of going through a divorce scares me too, because my wife has been, and is capable of being, a viciously mean, spiteful, abusive person.

 

which is why I should even be more scared of being found out right? Because she would literally destroy me.

[psm04]

I thought about this in more detail. And yes, being alone scares me.

And the prospect of going through a divorce scares me too, because my wife has been, and is capable of being, a viciously mean, spiteful, abusive person.

 

which is why I should even be more scared of being found out right? Because she would literally destroy me.

 

You sound so much like my xomm. He said that he is afraid to be alone, and also that his wife will not go through it nicely, and that she will take his kids from him. But she would do the same if the affair was discovered. He was very very careful the whole time.

 

Other than co-parenting, do you and your wife share interests/activities? Do you love your wife as more than the mother of your children? I think you would have to in order to stay in the marriage, regardless of the other factors.

[2sunny]

I thought about this in more detail. And yes, being alone scares me.

And the prospect of going through a divorce scares me too, because my wife has been, and is capable of being, a viciously mean, spiteful, abusive person.

 

which is why I should even be more scared of being found out right? Because she would literally destroy me.

 

That thought hasn't been good enough to keep you from cheating, though, right?

 

So YOUR decisions - YOUR actions put you at risk- yet you continue with your A.

 

Why?

[ian1966]

Ian1966, Man I don't know you BUT I ALREADY like you!!! I hope beyond HOPE that you stick around and tell your story a million times here to help others (even if that's just good ole' Wayne here) STOP and take inventory and Realize the REALITY of an A and ALL of its Consequences might Not be worth it!

 

"storms a'Brewin, isn't it?*

 

Indeed it is. Thanks for that, it can be tough around here getting any credit when you're the WS... Gotta say I've read a lot of your posts and you certainly get my respect. If I can save one poor soul from the agony of what I went through then I'm happy Yeah, I like these forums and plan to stick around...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I thought about this in more detail. And yes, being alone scares me.

And the prospect of going through a divorce scares me too, because my wife has been, and is capable of being, a viciously mean, spiteful, abusive person.

 

which is why I should even be more scared of being found out right? Because she would literally destroy me.

 

So Wayne,

 

See the thing is...you are crazy talking. Like one of those crazy drug addicts you see interviewed on INTERVENTION?

 

The ones that drink mouthwash to get drunk, knowing it is poison and will kill them? Have you ever seen that show? The affair addiction, or FOG, is like that. So your comments and justification is, well, strange. That is what people begin to notice, so the clock is ticking...DDay is coming...how are you going to handle it?

 

You are clear..You don't love your wife, you maybe even hate her, you think she is vindictive, abusive and spiteful. Well it's a good thing that lawyers are there to help. And if you play your cards right you will learn to co parent and maybe in 6 months she finds herself a guy who doesn't so much mind those things you hate. And you are free and clear to keep on dating whomever you want and she will be off your back.

 

Your kids remain your kids and you invest in them without your STBXW.

 

I think most of the OM/OW have told you how horrible it will be for you, but at least you can focus in the 5% of the time you get from the MOW. You can meet in your apartment whenever she is available. It will likely till suck for you but at least you are not risking your children's health and well being by having them live in a crazy making stressful, unloving home.

 

Think about it.

[Wayne696]

That thought hasn't been good enough to keep you from cheating, though, right?

 

So YOUR decisions - YOUR actions put you at risk- yet you continue with your A.

 

Why?

 

Because it's freaking undescribably awesome when we're together. And I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean OFF THE CHARTS awesome. And I want, need, and frankly, think I deserve some awesome in my life.

[Wayne696]

So Wayne,

 

I think most of the OM/OW have told you how horrible it will be for you, but at least you can focus in the 5% of the time you get from the MOW. You can meet in your apartment whenever she is available. It will likely till suck for you but at least you are not risking your children's health and well being by having them live in a crazy making stressful, unloving home.

 

Think about it.

 

I've actually thought about floating the idea of a 'trial separation' but I can't even see mentioning that without igniting a firestorm.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I've actually thought about floating the idea of a 'trial separation' but I can't even see mentioning that without igniting a firestorm.

 

Trial separation is a chickenshix self serving cop out.

 

 

Put on your big boy pants and Get.a.divorce.

[Owl]

Because it's freaking undescribably awesome when we're together. And I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean OFF THE CHARTS awesome. And I want, need, and frankly, think I deserve some awesome in my life.

 

At what price?

 

Paid by whom?

 

Do they get to decide that the prize was worth the price?

[2sunny]

Because it's freaking undescribably awesome when we're together. And I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean OFF THE CHARTS awesome. And I want, need, and frankly, think I deserve some awesome in my life.

 

Then divorce your wife so that you aren't betraying her!

 

Sop being so selfish. She deserves a whole husband - not a portion of what her H is capable of.

 

You're short changing her and the M - and if that's what YOU CHOOSE to do - then let her be free to find a many that's worthy of her love!

[2sunny]

I've actually thought about floating the idea of a 'trial separation' but I can't even see mentioning that without igniting a firestorm.

 

No - you won't mention it because then your W will find your truth.

 

She will decide for you.

 

And you like it this way - because you get the best of both worlds. But you will get found out - and there will be a reaction to what you've created.

[ian1966]

Wayne,

I have spelled out the possible consequences of your ongoing actions in an earlier port on this thread.

 

However you probably dismiss most of those as not relevant or likely to happen to you.

Can YOU present a list here of what you KNOW will happen when the sh*t hits the fan? be honest please.

Please weigh them up, make a list of pro's and cons in written form.

 

The mind tends to focus on one aspect at a time, whose individual weight may not present much of a tangible threat individually . However when you see them all staring back at you, you can gain a more realistic perspective.

 

Give each a 'pain level' and add them up.

 

Sex itself - weigh up the time you spend actually having sex with her against the time spent with your kids , family and friends.

Sex is great while you're doing it, but outside of that you face a much greater amount of time (I assume ) interacting with other people, kids, etc... How will it be for you when all those people find out and brand you for what you are? Think real hard about it, Wayne, it could very well affect the rest of your life.

 

How will my family think of me?

Your kids?

Friends?

Work colleagues?

Future girlfriends that are advised - knowledge of your escapades WILL spread like wildfire via the grapevine.

Work?

 

Your abusive WIFE? What will she do / who will she tell ?

 

All for a bit of (albeit fantastic) nooky?

 

Lift the fog, Wayne, before its too late.

[orangegirl]

I recently met a married woman and we've been having a full blown affair for about two months now. It's been hot and heavy and all-encompassing. We communicate daily, see each other at least once a week, and have spent the night together multiple times. And it is amazing when we are together!!! I haven't felt like this in years, decades, even.

 

That's the good part. Of course, there's a dark side, and I hope some of you can help me cope.

 

I'm finding it nearly impossible to compartmentalize any of this. I can't get her out of my mind, and it's like I'm walking around in a perpetual fog. Add to that I get terribly, terribly, depressed when we're not together.

 

Like me, she's married, but unlike me, she's happy in her marriage. And as irrational as it is, I find myself actually getting envious of the time she spends with her husband, and it tears me up inside. There will be times when she tells me she's not going to be able to get in touch with me, or she has somewhere she needs to be and she has to leave, and I know it's because she's going out with her husband. And I feel completely dejected and deflated at those moments.

 

I have a hard time reconciling the fact that she is happily married, with a husband, yet here she is with me.

 

Have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? Any advice at all?

 

thanks in advance!

 

any woman who cheats on her H is either just REALLY horny, OR is NOT happy with her H. Just saying. So IDK what this is all about.

[Wayne696]

any woman who cheats on her H is either just REALLY horny, OR is NOT happy with her H. Just saying. So IDK what this is all about.

 

She is definitely really horny. No doubt about that. Like needing two hands to count the number of times we have sex in a day horny. But she says she's happy with her H. So maybe it is just about the sex for her.

[Wayne696]

Trial separation is a chickenshix self serving cop out.

 

 

Put on your big boy pants and Get.a.divorce.

 

You're right. I don't even know where to start with that though. And I don't have any friends/family locally that I could turn to for support.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You're right. I don't even know where to start with that though. And I don't have any friends/family locally that I could turn to for support.

 

Wayne...you need to sit down with your wife and say.

 

I am having an affair. I do not want to be married to you anymore. I will see a lawyer next week to file for divorce. I will move out next week.

 

I will stay involved with the children, I will pay child support and spousal support whatever the court requires.

 

I will stay with the children if you need a few days to decompress.

 

 

She will be angry, she will want to know details. Since you have no interest in staying it is up to you whether you tell or not. Why wait?

 

Clean break is best.

[Wayne696]

Wayne...you need to sit down with your wife and say.

 

I am having an affair. I do not want to be married to you anymore. I will see a lawyer next week to file for divorce. I will move out next week.

 

I will stay involved with the children, I will pay child support and spousal support whatever the court requires.

 

I will stay with the children if you need a few days to decompress.

 

 

She will be angry, she will want to know details. Since you have no interest in staying it is up to you whether you tell or not. Why wait?

 

Clean break is best.

 

Ok. Everything I hear tells me this is what I must do. And I know it. But it's scary.

[Wayne696]

And. I wonder what my OW will do when I do separate/divorce. I wonder what I will do? As much as I fantasize about it, she wont leave her H - I'm sure of that.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Forgot which forum I was in.

Edited August 28, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.

[2sunny]

And. I wonder what my OW will do when I do separate/divorce. I wonder what I will do? As much as I fantasize about it, she wont leave her H - I'm sure of that.

 

What you will do?

 

You might have a chance of becoming an HONEST man.

 

Chances of her leaving her H are slim - but that's not the point of this thread - is it?

 

You can't know IF she will leave to be with you unless you become divorced.

 

What honesty she shows at THAT point will tell you IF she has any integrity - or not.

 

Overall - it's a win win - because you become honest and you find out if she is too.