Day 4 NC

[turkey21]

Hi All,

 

Haven't posted here before but will try anything. My ex and I were in a 5 year on and off, broke up a couple of months ago due to him wanting to start up his company in another province and us needing to do it without arguing because we had some trust issues. We had been in contact regularly he kept saying that i should be open to working it out down the road but I told him I wouldn't wait around for him anymore, it wasn't fair to me. In the past couple of weeks, he kept saying he had been seeing this girl that he was friends with and then denying it saying he said it to get a rise out of me.

 

I had been over to his house to hook up with him and went to eat with his family and when I was out doing my thing he would call/text off the hook to see what i was up to but I played it off like I was just living my life. When I tried to do NC at this point, he showed up at my house and made a scene. Little did I know a week later, (3 days after I hung out with him and went to visit his family) she posted pictures in instagram that they are actually out of town together. He has been in contact with me since I found out and when I did find out I basically forwarded the picture to him and said hey, if you're with her then call it what it is i don't want to go back and forth anymore.

 

if you're not then be straight up. you sleep with me one week then i have to get friends messaging me asking about your guys pictures on her profile the next, if your'e with her then give her the respect and me the kindness of keeping me out of it, no hard feelings thanks. Basically next day i went NC and since that day he's been texting/calling while he was on vacation, but he never did answer my message regarding whether he was with her or not so i don't see a point to reply.

 

He just messaged me asking why I blocked him if theres no hard feelings and kept saying he broke his hand and needed someone to talk to (which i know was a lie) and then i kept ignoring him and he told me to go creep her instagram page some more i'll be crushed. then yesterday he said he's just gonna do things to piss me off and sent me a picture of a party he's at in new york.

 

He's already travelling with her which makes me think this relationship is legit, but why are you calling me 20x a day while you're on vacation with her and why are you trying to piss me off? I wish I could just be honest about how I am feeling right now but I don't know if there is a point if he's happy with her. Will NC backfire on me?

Edited August 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lylat333]

First of all, it helps us if you break up a longer post into paragraphs. More people will read it and respond.

 

In the past couple of weeks, he kept saying he had been seeing this girl that he was friends with and then denying it saying he said it to get a rise out of me.

That turned out to be a bizarre lie. It seems apparent to me and imagine it is to you that you're in very dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship.

 

Will NC backfire on me?

NC seems to be doing wonders for you, I think that should be obvious. Talking to him, or going so far as to sleep with him is a terrible idea and only reinforces these shenanigans. I don't know what if anything you've done to deserve any of this... if you feel he's being just plain unfair to you, go NC and I'm confident it will continue to drive him absolutely bonkers until he reaches a breaking point. You can either use that to start to put an end to all this nonsense or move on to a better, healthier relationship for the both of you. Don't stoop to his level and play any of his games.

Edited August 19, 2013 by lylat333

[Faith13/2]

NC seems to be doing wonders for you, I think that should be obvious. Talking to him, or going so far as to sleep with him is a terrible idea and only reinforces these shenanigans. I don't know what if anything you've done to deserve any of this... if you feel he's being just plain unfair to you, go NC and I'm confident it will continue to drive him absolutely bonkers until he reaches a breaking point. You can either use that to start to put an end to all this nonsense or move on to a better, healthier relationship for the both of you. Don't stoop to his level and play any of his games.

 

Couldn't agree with this more. Once he realizes you don't care, and have no bother to converse with him on the situation it'll drive him insane. Continue what you're doing seems to be working perfectly.

[turkey21]

First of all, it helps us if you break up a longer post into paragraphs. More people will read it and respond.

 

Hi Thanks for the tip! Not sure if it will make any difference now but I broke it into shorter paragraphs.

 

Hi All,

 

Haven't posted here before but will try anything. Basically,

 

My ex and I were in a 5 year on and off, broke up a couple of months ago due to him wanting to start up his company in another province and us needing to do it without arguing because we had some trust issues. We had been in contact regularly he kept saying that i should be open to working it out down the road but I told him I wouldn't wait around for him anymore, it wasn't fair to me.

 

In the past couple of weeks, he kept saying he had been seeing this girl that he was friends with and then denying it saying he said it to get a rise out of me. I had been over to his house to hook up with him and went to eat with his family and when I was out doing my thing he would call/text off the hook to see what i was up to but I played it off like I was just living my life.

 

When I tried to do NC at this point, he showed up at my house and made a scene. Little did I know a week later, (3 days after I hung out with him and went to visit his family) she posted pictures in instagram that they are actually out of town together. He has been in contact with me since I found out and when I did find out I basically forwarded the picture to him and said hey, if you're with her then call it what it is i don't want to go back and forth anymore. if you're not then be straight up. you sleep with me one week then i have to get friends messaging me asking about your guys pictures on her profile the next, if your'e with her then give her the respect and me the kindness of keeping me out of it, no hard feelings thanks.

 

Basically next day i went NC and since that day he's been texting/calling while he was on vacation, but he never did answer my message regarding whether he was with her or not so i don't see a point to reply. He just messaged me asking why I blocked him if theres no hard feelings and kept saying he broke his hand and needed someone to talk to (which i know was a lie) and then i kept ignoring him and he told me to go creep her instagram page some more i'll be crushed.

 

Then, yesterday he said he's just gonna do things to piss me off and sent me a picture of a party he's at in new york. He's already travelling with her which makes me think this relationship is legit, but why are you calling me 20x a day while you're on vacation with her and why are you trying to piss me off?

 

I wish I could just be honest about how I am feeling right now but I don't know if there is a point if he's happy with her. Will NC backfire on me?

 

-------------------------

 

I might also add I'm his first long term relationship and he's just turning 30 so I'm not sure if it's GIGS, mid life crisis or who knows what's going on in his head. I am also not sure if he will end up showing up at my home when he gets back from being out of town, I will not know what to do at that time. A big part of me just wants to let him have it but I'm not sure if that would be the right reaction on my part if I am looking to reconcile.

[Faith13/2]

I might also add I'm his first long term relationship and he's just turning 30 so I'm not sure if it's GIGS, mid life crisis or who knows what's going on in his head. I am also not sure if he will end up showing up at my home when he gets back from being out of town, I will not know what to do at that time. A big part of me just wants to let him have it but I'm not sure if that would be the right reaction on my part if I am looking to reconcile.

 

That really will depend on how you feel about the situation when you are face to face with him. You obviously won't be able to use the NC with him right in front of you. If you are at that time trying to fix things then I would make sure he's straight forward about everything that's been going on. For me that would be my final chance given to make amends for what has been done.

[lylat333]

I might also add I'm his first long term relationship and he's just turning 30 so I'm not sure if it's GIGS, mid life crisis or who knows what's going on in his head.

I worry you are being too forgiving to some totally uncalled for behavior. You may really like the guy, but think about having more respect for yourself and what you expect out of a relationship. Putting up with the kinds of things he has been doing is not something you should have to compromise on.

 

It may not seem like it, but you can easily take control of this whole situation. A lot of people pursue NC without ever seeing results, or if they do it is months or even years in the future. As soon as you initiate NC, he goes nuts. But, you have continued to be there for him and things continue on as they have.

 

I'm not advocating any game-playing, I would suggest going zero-tolerance with any behavior of his you don't like, and if he does do something like show up on your doorstep, make it very clear to him that you are not going to stand for what's been going on. Maybe some space for the purpose of thinking this over. If he doesn't like it or is worried about what you'll be up to, then he'll be having a taste of his own medicine, huh? But honestly... unless you think there is some true blue love between you two, I would perhaps even more seriously consider moving on from this, I think you would both be better off for it. I'm very confident he will snap like a twig if you continued NC or gave him legit concern that he isn't in control of you.

[turkey21]

I worry you are being too forgiving to some totally uncalled for behavior. You may really like the guy, but think about having more respect for yourself and what you expect out of a relationship. Putting up with the kinds of things he has been doing is not something you should have to compromise on.

 

It's insane because I hear the excuses as I say them for his behavior. We have fallen into this pattern and I have a part in it too for not standing up for myself when I did not like certain things. I strongly believe I have grown up this break up around as I have not wallowed, I have been going to the gym, going out with my friends and living my life. I truly believed if we got back together, I would not lose myself in this relationship again. Unfortunately, a new hot girlfriend on vacation in the picture changes things!

[lylat333]

Glad to hear you feel you have grown from this experience. Stay strong and don't fall back into the old patterns and I think things will get so much better for you. He's taking you for granted.

[turkey21]

Glad to hear you feel you have grown from this experience. Stay strong and don't fall back into the old patterns and I think things will get so much better for you. He's taking you for granted.

 

It looks like the NC is working as he called me 4x last night and asked me about a charger left at my house that he wanted to pick up and said if I didn't reply he'd come by then he sent another message that he would be at my house in 10 minutes.

 

I think he's still away but I haven't been monitoring or checking up if he is. Wonder where his new girlfriend is when he's badgering me....Didn't reply to any of it. He usually gets a response from me so I think he assumed that one would get one out of me that time. On Day #5 NC...

 

I've taken up meditating at night to clear my head, I recommend it to anyone doing NC. It might have given me a temporary boost to have him messaging and calling me me as well but I like to believe that if you find and love yourself, everything else will fall into place.

[turkey21]

Ok so now he is power calling me at work and on my cell and texting saying honestly one simple reply to tell me when i can get my charger is all i wanna know, stop making this a problem. He bought this thing two months ago and said it wasn't a big deal to have it then, why is it so important to have it now?! I don't want to break my NC for some $30 portable charger he didn't give a #%^$ about before.

[Faith13/2]

Ok so now he is power calling me at work and on my cell and texting saying honestly one simple reply to tell me when i can get my charger is all i wanna know, stop making this a problem. He bought this thing two months ago and said it wasn't a big deal to have it then, why is it so important to have it now?! I don't want to break my NC for some $30 portable charger he didn't give a #%^$ about before.

 

Give it to him.. if you have to leave it in your mailbox or drop it off in his when he's not home. The point of this is to make him see you're done with the circumstances. You can still avoid him and give it back. He won't have any reason to contact you then, other then if he's trying to get on your sweet side again..

 

I would just leave it some where he can get it with ease and drop him a reply that says where it is, end of..

[turkey21]

Give it to him.. if you have to leave it in your mailbox or drop it off in his when he's not home. The point of this is to make him see you're done with the circumstances. You can still avoid him and give it back. He won't have any reason to contact you then, other then if he's trying to get on your sweet side again..

 

I would just leave it some where he can get it with ease and drop him a reply that says where it is, end of..

 

SIGH. Had to finally tell him whats up as he called the receptionist at my work looking for me. As i moved back to my moms after we broke up i simply said my mom left in mailbox for u. He responded with wtf im not going there when your moms home. NOT my problem!!!! I told u where it was go find it.

[Faith13/2]

SIGH. Had to finally tell him whats up as he called the receptionist at my work looking for me. As i moved back to my moms after we broke up i simply said my mom left in mailbox for u. He responded with wtf im not going there when your moms home. NOT my problem!!!! I told u where it was go find it.

 

Good for you! But kind of justifies my thoughts exactly, it wasn't about the charger was about you being there to give it to him and him having a chance to communicate. Let him sulk in it, he either gets his act together or he don't either way you'll be on his mind whether it be good or bad.

[turkey21]

Good for you! But kind of justifies my thoughts exactly, it wasn't about the charger was about you being there to give it to him and him having a chance to communicate. Let him sulk in it, he either gets his act together or he don't either way you'll be on his mind whether it be good or bad.

 

Thanks! Feeling better and feeling strong. Hate that i had to break NC for this though. Really didn't want to give in.

[Faith13/2]

Thanks! Feeling better and feeling strong. Hate that i had to break NC for this though. Really didn't want to give in.

 

 

You didn't. There's a difference in breaking NC to try an get back together or look for closure and replying to his excessive behavior to give him no reason to contact.. And if what you want is to continue NC then so be it, you gave him the choice to get what he said he wanted.

[turkey21]

I just checked my call history at work and i wasn't here yesterday and I see that he tried to call me at 11 AM... I think he might have heard I went out of town for the day and wanted to make sure. This was 12 hours before mention of the charger...something tells me it isn't the charger... why do they do this when they have relationships?! I swear...exes are douches that don't want us to move on.

[turkey21]

No wonder he wants his charger so bad, his little gf is still outta town til next monday. NC is in place again.

[turkey21]

Well, my ex just left here. Basically after he said he could come by at 6-ish, i didn't respond and left his belonging out and booked it out of my house so i wouldn't have to run into him. I received a text around 8 that was..."so whats up". I didn't respond so half an hour later I received - "when can i get my charger?"

I explained it was there outside. he said "wow you left it outside all day"....half hr later.. "hello" ... half hr later "jesus grow up answer me" i yet again said "it's outside" he said "why are you choosing to be like this...why?" and I explained "you made the choice for both of us. your stuff is outside" and he said 'What are you talking about? you told me to move on, i dont know how you can go from loving someone so much to completely shutting them out. Doesn't make any sense to me. Makes me question everything we had. Why ignore, deal with this" and I told him that I wasn't sure why he is calling or messaging, just get your things and stop. He told me "Just answer your phone one last time for me." "I have something to say to u." "Get over yourself, I am guilty and haven't gotten my closure." "I am not here to fight but to apologize" "Thank you for the charger." Then asked me why i continue to play a game. The next following messages were followed while he threw rocks at my window to get me to talk to him "I'm at your house and see your car....U should come out and talk to me or answer my call..I can see your tv on..im completely sober just grow up..ok im just gonna knock on your back door...this is f***ng stupid...i'll just set a ladder up"

 

All of this occured while I was screening his 25 phone calls..

 

It took me all my courage not to break and talk to him but I knew I wasn't ready for it yet as I will be emotional and frankly why does he get to relieve his guilt? He was dating someone after we broke up and lied about it and I fell right into the crumbs he gave me.

 

He finally ended up leaving and texted me saying "why?" I miss him but i know the second I show a bit of emotion, he'll have his fix and be all nice and jolly when she comes back on Monday. I want to continue NC as I believe any chance of me moving on or us working things out ever again rely on me having a clear head but at the same time I do not want to come off as immature and game playing as he is saying. I left your belonging out like you asked.

 

Is it selfish for me to not want to relieve his guilt for him and give him his closure? It's not like I had mine when we broke up. I'm the one hurting right now, is it selfish to want him to hurt too? I hate feeling like a back up plan. I hate that I've been some part in setting this pattern though.

 

I guess i understand his part in saying shutting him out but did he really think we would break up and be friends after he started dating someone and was lying to me?! Feeling enraged. :mad: Why do we love people and want them back when they clearly have moved on to someone else and don't know how to behave like normal 30 year olds? Remember when labotomys were legal? Oh yes..those were the days lol.

 

PS - I am proud of myself in the sense that everytime he threw rocks at my window, I'd go out and talk to him. I think he realizes I mean business this time.

 

Apologizes for long post. Stressed, need to vent.

 

NC Restart as of tonight....

[lylat333]

Wow, that's all really something. I have to say it kind of freaks me out to read all the stuff he said, because I worry that's how I was coming off to my ex about a month ago. I'd like to think I wasn't anywhere near as bad as him, but I did accuse her of acting like a child not responding to me, then I would sometimes change and become very docile.

 

You've clearly started to make your point, I think it might be OK to outline to him how you're feeling and what you want at this point. You have control. If he doesn't like or agree with something you're feeling or want, tough for him. You could explain to him you had your times of no closure and hurting and he should respect that.

[turkey21]

Wow, that's all really something. I have to say it kind of freaks me out to read all the stuff he said, because I worry that's how I was coming off to my ex about a month ago. I'd like to think I wasn't anywhere near as bad as him, but I did accuse her of acting like a child not responding to me, then I would sometimes change and become very docile.

 

You've clearly started to make your point, I think it might be OK to outline to him how you're feeling and what you want at this point. You have control. If he doesn't like or agree with something you're feeling or want, tough for him. You could explain to him you had your times of no closure and hurting and he should respect that.

 

Is it possible he's really only getting his closure so he can move on with her though without feeling that guilt for how he did it? That idea made me really upset all morning while I was getting ready for work, couldn't think about anything else.

 

Regardless, I think you're right. If he comes by tonight, I'll just have to lay it flat out. The issue with him is whenever I explain something, he always has a rebuttal or brings up something I said before. I wish I could just shake him.

 

I guess if he truly wanted to work it out though there would be no rebuttal. I've been strumming the same tune in my head for way too long LOL

[turkey21]

Sorry forgot to add, after an hour and a half of him being there, i told him to just stop calling and messaging me and contacting me in general as i've given him his things. He said then dignify me with a simple final conversation or i'll continue to come by your house. I just ignored it.

[Faith13/2]

Is it possible he's really only getting his closure so he can move on with her though without feeling that guilt for how he did it? That idea made me really upset all morning while I was getting ready for work, couldn't think about anything else.

 

Regardless, I think you're right. If he comes by tonight, I'll just have to lay it flat out. The issue with him is whenever I explain something, he always has a rebuttal or brings up something I said before. I wish I could just shake him.

 

I guess if he truly wanted to work it out though there would be no rebuttal. I've been strumming the same tune in my head for way too long LOL

 

I think that you should talk to him. First thing I would say is you have to hear me out, you can't interrupt, you can't speak.. you just have to shut your mouth and listen. If he can do that much then see what he has to say when you're done. If he continues to try and have a remark to everything you say then I would simply just walk away.

[lylat333]

Hmm... the dreaded final meetup, which he may actually think is enough to bring him closure, but I think it's seldom enough.

 

Is it possible he's really only getting his closure so he can move on with her though without feeling that guilt for how he did it?

 

There is a guilt aspect to it, but I think it's more than that. He still has a clear attachment to you and is not emotionally prepared to let you go. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wants the comfort of knowing you'll always be there if he really wants to work it out, whether or not anything real pans out from this other girl. That is a comfort he doesn't deserve, and you are in control of whether or not he has it.

 

I don't feel I'm in a position to tell you whether or not you need to have any opening to work it out with this guy or not. But some of the way he has been acting like shoving this new girl in your face is not healthy love.

 

Whatever you do, stay strong. Don't feel like you have to feel sorry for him, you've got to respect yourself or no one else will. Think about what you want to see happen from here out, and pursue it. It sounds like you're handling things pretty well.

[turkey21]

I really don't want to give him that reassurance that I will always be there so I guess my only option is if he shows up to tell him, what do you want? and if it's not the answer I need to hear for myself then tell him I wish you the best and go NC, I don't think there is any other way I can show him I won't be there besides this. Can't keep grasping for straws here and I am not going to settle for anything less at this point. I took the fall for the crumbs already a couple weeks ago, I'm not doing it again. Break ups hurt, we've done this rodeo so many times already but i know my worth and know I will never be truly happy if we keep going through this cycle. I don't understand the attachment, maybe he needs me to say i forgive him for what he's done, who knows.

 

This forum makes me feel better. My friends and this discussion usually ends up with them sitting there and staring at me like urrrr... what?

[Faith13/2]

I think you're cleared headed for the most part and know what you need to do for yourself. I can understand how it can be easier to discuss private things with total strangers, even though that sounds quite weird. I hope everything works out for you, I think you've made all the appropriate steps for yourself.