Self split affairs - are they aware ??

[affairaddict]

Think I more than likely was involved in this looking back.

 

Ex mm had some dysfunction with parents having affairs and drink and other problems. Literally said he wanted a better life than that to live in a nice house have kids raise them well get married etc

 

Our affair was emotional . Talking excessively every day and moment he was out the house. Eg We kissed he would say we can't do it again its wrong. We behaved for a while. We kissed again , he would say it was wrong. This went on for a long time. So much sexual tension but as emotionally attached he was and as much as he wanted to he always said we shouldn't have sex. So we didn't, until right the end of the affair something sexual did occur without planning time and we crossed the line. Even after that he'd say we can't meet up we will end up having sex. We went NC my terms.

 

After a couple of months we reconnect. he says he wants to have sex. The emotional connection is strong as ever but hes changed his mind again! This time sex would be amazing after so long being so close,

I asked him outright what is with the indecision about doing the right thing v desire. Why do you not have this emotional connection at home? Complete avoidance.

 

Ok we never did have full sex after a year thank god I came to my senses.

But he fits the bill of self split and I wonder do these WS (men) no they are torn between doing the right thing v loving and wanting a life with the OW or are they in complete denial?

[janedoe67]

I can tell you exactly what a WS is thinking:

 

I want what I want

 

Take the word "split" off the front end and add "ish to the back end of self, and THAT is the "disorder" that WS's suffer from.

 

And you deserve better than someone who can't even honor their promises.

[Owl]

Of course they know.

 

The deal is...when he's with you, he's focused on you and doing what he wants to with you.

 

When he's with her, he starts feeling guilty for the crap he's doing to her as a result of his choices to be with you.

 

Then he goes back to you...feeling some guilt, but then once again he focuses on you.

 

Then he goes back to her...focuses on her, and feels that guilt again.

 

Ad nauseum.

 

It's not some new spiffy pop-psych thing...it's nothing more complicated than simply not caring about anything more than what feels good at the moment. When he's with you, the affair feels good. When he's with her, his marriage feels good. The guilt he feels is because he knows what he's doing is wrong...but he doesn't care enough to stop.

 

Simple.

 

No psychology degree required.

[affairaddict]

Ok.. Anyone with any other constructive advice on self split affairs?

[Owl]

Ok.. Anyone with any other constructive advice on self split affairs?

 

Interesting. I take it you disagree with what's been posted, but didn't want to discuss differing viewpoints?

 

I thought my response was quite constructive/instructive.

[jlola]

Think I more than likely was involved in this looking back.

 

Ex mm had some dysfunction with parents having affairs and drink and other problems. Literally said he wanted a better life than that to live in a nice house have kids raise them well get married etc

 

Our affair was emotional . Talking excessively every day and moment he was out the house. Eg We kissed he would say we can't do it again its wrong. We behaved for a while. We kissed again , he would say it was wrong. This went on for a long time. So much sexual tension but as emotionally attached he was and as much as he wanted to he always said we shouldn't have sex. So we didn't, until right the end of the affair something sexual did occur without planning time and we crossed the line. Even after that he'd say we can't meet up we will end up having sex. We went NC my terms.

 

After a couple of months we reconnect. he says he wants to have sex. The emotional connection is strong as ever but hes changed his mind again! This time sex would be amazing after so long being so close,

I asked him outright what is with the indecision about doing the right thing v desire. Why do you not have this emotional connection at home? Complete avoidance.

 

Ok we never did have full sex after a year thank god I came to my senses.

But he fits the bill of self split and I wonder do these WS (men) no they are torn between doing the right thing v loving and wanting a life with the OW or are they in complete denial?

 

 

Call it whatever you want. But the question is, why is an intelligent,attractive women putting up with this BS? Life is too short to get yourself involved with this drama. There will be many problems you have in life that are not self created. But this? Come on? How many people would put up with this push-pull dynamics? Push-pull is very toxic,unhealthy. But it is also very addictive to some who like drama.

 

Sorry, my tale on your relationship is push-pull. Not split self.

[affairaddict]

I'm not saying your advice isn't constructive but it does not fit the bill of a self split affair Owl.

I've asked specifically for advice on that subject matter.

 

I've ended the affair and am NC for good should have made thst clear.

[jlola]

When we are in a balanced relationship, we grow a lot as an individual. True love has the potential of bringing out the best human being out of you.

 

In toxic relationships, when one person tries to come closer, the other person tries to pull hand away. This is called push/pull effect. If you are in a toxic relationships it make you feel emotionally and mentally exhausted. These relationships are often known as silent killers. The people involved in these relationships may end up getting depression, fatigue and immunity problems.

 

Usually, people involved in toxic relationship would feel a spiritual and energetic bondage between them. This bonding would not let you get rid of the relationship even if you know that the relationship is turning out to be bad for your overall life.

[affairaddict]

I disagree. I think he fits the self split completely.

[affairaddict]

It wasn't push pull though was it on the emotional level only on a sexual front..

 

Ok how does it not fit self split? I could be Wrong of course.

[janedoe67]

Ok.. Anyone with any other constructive advice on self split affairs?

 

If by constructive you mean realistic advice that is practical instead of a way to bury one's head in the sand of psychobabble?

 

Mature people of character take responsibility for their actions. People who don't want to do that look for an "angle." That is why Tiger Woods went into treatment for sex addiction - does anyone with a brain REALLY think he is a sex addict? No....but it got him some sympathy and was a great distraction.

 

Everyone on earth at some point or another comes to an emotional crisis/crossroads between the reality they have and the reality they had hoped for. The mature person of character makes their choices based on that character even when it means they don't get everything they wanted. The selfish person decides to try to have it all even though they KNOW it involves deceit/betrayal/hurting others. Feeling bad about it but doing it anyway isn't a crisis of conscience. It is ignoring one's conscience in favor of making a bad choice.

 

I am not trying to be non-constructive. I wove myself one heck of a tale in order to justify cheating. I was in a years long platonic marriage with hardly any touching, an ivisible woman with a primary love language of touch, top emotional needs of sex and affection, to a man who had had a problem with gay porn and who refused to try to meet me halfway. It was only fair that I have what I need, and it would take the pressure off him, and our marriage basically qualified for an annulment given how rarely he touched me. I had every bit of cognitive dissonance neatly covered.

 

Except for that niggling fact that cheating on and betraying my husband was morally wrong no matter WHAT he may have done or not done. That their mother betraying their father was hurtful to my children.

 

It would have served no real purpose for me to disguise what was simply "I want this NOW but I am too much of a coward to leave first," as a psychological disorder. The people who helped me were the people who helped me tell myself the TRUTH.

 

And yes, as a WS, I was FULLY aware of what I was doing. I just did it anyway.

[Owl]

I'm not saying your advice isn't constructive but it does not fit the bill of a self split affair Owl.

I've asked specifically for advice on that subject matter.

 

I've ended the affair and am NC for good should have made thst clear.

 

Well...I guess I see your point.

 

I can't give advice on something that I do not believe exists.

 

If you ask only for people who have ridden the white unicorn to come to your party, you don't have to plan for a large catering bill.

 

Actually...I take that back. My post did answer your question, even if I don't agree with the "split self theory".

 

Yes...he knew what he was doing, and did it anyway.

 

Still an answer to your baseline question.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Owl

[affairaddict]

Well if you don't believe it exists technically there is no point. Otherwise I would have asked "Do you think they exist?"

Psychologically to me they make sense but ok they don't to others, everything is black and white to some, to me they aren't.

 

Sometimes it seems to me people want to jump on you on here just to tell you "oh OP you're deluded " in a nutshell haha I say this tongue firmly in cheek. Anyway prob silly to rationalise or wonder if I'm honest with myself but I left, I'm 1 month NC and I'm doing amazingly well so that's the Main thing hey.

[jlola]

Think I more than likely was involved in this looking back.

 

Ex mm had some dysfunction with parents having affairs and drink and other problems. Literally said he wanted a better life than that to live in a nice house have kids raise them well get married etc

 

Our affair was emotional . Talking excessively every day and moment he was out the house. Eg We kissed he would say we can't do it again its wrong. We behaved for a while. We kissed again , he would say it was wrong. This went on for a long time. So much sexual tension but as emotionally attached he was and as much as he wanted to he always said we shouldn't have sex. So we didn't, until right the end of the affair something sexual did occur without planning time and we crossed the line. Even after that he'd say we can't meet up we will end up having sex. We went NC my terms.

 

After a couple of months we reconnect. he says he wants to have sex. The emotional connection is strong as ever but hes changed his mind again! This time sex would be amazing after so long being so close,

I asked him outright what is with the indecision about doing the right thing v desire. Why do you not have this emotional connection at home? Complete avoidance.

 

Ok we never did have full sex after a year thank god I came to my senses.

But he fits the bill of self split and I wonder do these WS (men) no they are torn between doing the right thing v loving and wanting a life with the OW or are they in complete denial?

 

 

How much face time did you have in this affair? Was it mostly by phone?

[Owl]

Well if you don't believe it exists technically there is no point. Otherwise I would have asked "Do you think they exist?"

Psychologically to me they make sense but ok they don't to others, everything is black and white to some, to me they aren't.

 

Sometimes it seems to me people want to jump on you on here just to tell you "oh OP you're deluded " in a nutshell haha I say this tongue firmly in cheek. Anyway prob silly to rationalise or wonder if I'm honest with myself but I left, I'm 1 month NC and I'm doing amazingly well so that's the Main thing hey.

 

And on that, I think we both totally agree. If you're no longer in a relationship with him, there's no value in worrying about what he thought or didn't think.

 

Focus instead on helping yourself get past everything, learn from it, and make today and tomorrow that much better for yourself!

 

Try not to worry about him, or focus on the past. Just keep taking care of yourself. That's always the best course for anyone, IMHO. (and one you've seemed to already have figured out for yourself! )

[affairaddict]

I'm not worried , I don't know last few days I'm thinking about it too much maybe it's normal the point I'm at.

I have no intention of going back ever.

 

Face time when we could -more Towards the end. Sometimes I got the whole I can't come something will happen guilt.

 

The self split affair states thst WS never ever had an emotional connection at all in the first place that's why they go looking..

[Owl]

 

The self split affair states thst WS never ever had an emotional connection at all in the first place that's why they go looking..

 

And that's one of the many reasons why I don't believe in it.

 

It claims that the marriage was pretty much all a sham, and that the OW/OM came along and mystically granted the powers of feeling emotion to the poor, deprived WS...something that the hideous, clutching BS could never do.

 

I find it far more likely that there were feelings at some point, the WS either made the deliberate choice to seek someone out, or found themselves in a position where they felt they could 'get away with' having an affair, and followed that path. If they chose to emotionally invest in the affair...of course that would create emotional conflict (split self ) for the WS.

 

This term is clearly 'slanted' towards removing the responsibility of the WS for their choice to be unfaithful, and praising the 'understanding ow' while villifying the BS who clearly was deficient and lacking in all ways.

 

Hardly surprising I've never seen a BS (at least one who wasn't subsequently an OW) support this theory, but it appears to be gaining much acceptance in the OW/OM community.

[jlola]

I'm not worried , I don't know last few days I'm thinking about it too much maybe it's normal the point I'm at.

I have no intention of going back ever.

 

Face time when we could -more Towards the end. Sometimes I got the whole I can't come something will happen guilt.

 

The self split affair states thst WS never ever had an emotional connection at all in the first place that's why they go looking..

 

Perhaps he has a connection with noone. Perhaps he is an emotionally unavailable man to all women.

 

Emotionally unavailable men are caught up in themselves and trust me, even if it was Angelina Jolie, until he resolves his issues and decides to be available, he is not going to want to give himself. He likes the idea of being with you and likes you per se, but doesn’t actually like you enough to change. He is incapable of accessing his emotions and he purposefully keeps himself at a distance from everything that has the potential to tax him emotionally.

 

It’s an ego massage. Emotionally unavailable men are very of the moment and enjoy the short term fringe benefits but don’t actually want to contribute.

[affairaddict]

Yeah I can see how it sounds like an excuse in some respects especially to a WS. I guess neither of us can be completely impartial.

I just read a really informative article and it described him , but of course maybe I saw what I wanted to see.

 

It seems bizarre a couple don't have an emotional connection to start with BUT would you not say that someone desperate to not repeat parents patterns, wants to prove sonething to a whole dysfunctional family; gets his gf pregnant a few months after getting back together after a break up at a very young age could not fit that bill? People do settle, and then find someone else whom they are more emotionally connected with it does happen but we know men don't leave.

[jlola]

Gotta love Natalie Lue.

 

"One of the things that I’ve recognised as a differentiator between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the presence of excuses, whether it’s yours and/or theirs. In the worst of situations where you may be denying, rationalising, and minimising, you may even be making excuses for their excuses which only goes to show how poor the original excuse was.

 

Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason.

[whichwayisup]

Ok.. Anyone with any other constructive advice on self split affairs?

 

There's a big thread about this in the infidelity section, just FYI.

 

 

Ok we never did have full sex after a year thank god I came to my senses.

But he fits the bill of self split and I wonder do these WS (men) no they are torn between doing the right thing v loving and wanting a life with the OW or are they in complete denial?

 

Glad you did come to your senses, you saved yourself a whole lot of hurt and suffering!

 

I think and this is just my view on self split affairs - it's a way of justifying their behaviour. Either way it's selfish and self serving. They are in it for the moment and then can easily go home and continue living life with their spouses. Some are in it for it just being an affair, nothing more/nothing less, it is what it is, some may be truly conflicted yet still continue lying and deceiving. Again, self split is a justification of their behaviour.

[affairaddict]

Ok thanks for posts tonight.

FYI I am not justifying his behaviour in any way or mine in the past. I still think he's a douche mostly.

I wonder if he was conflicted and thought about leaving for me but really it's unimportant. Couple of hours ago it meant something. Just going through those motions.

I did have a brief read of that over there thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Ok thanks for posts tonight.

FYI I am not justifying his behaviour in any way or mine in the past. I still think he's a douche mostly.

I wonder if he was conflicted and thought about leaving for me but really it's unimportant. Couple of hours ago it meant something. Just going through those motions.

I did have a brief read of that over there thanks.

 

Yup he's a douche!

 

[Anna-Belle]

If by constructive you mean realistic advice that is practical instead of a way to bury one's head in the sand of psychobabble?

 

Mature people of character take responsibility for their actions. People who don't want to do that look for an "angle." That is why Tiger Woods went into treatment for sex addiction - does anyone with a brain REALLY think he is a sex addict? No....but it got him some sympathy and was a great distraction.

 

Everyone on earth at some point or another comes to an emotional crisis/crossroads between the reality they have and the reality they had hoped for. The mature person of character makes their choices based on that character even when it means they don't get everything they wanted. The selfish person decides to try to have it all even though they KNOW it involves deceit/betrayal/hurting others. Feeling bad about it but doing it anyway isn't a crisis of conscience. It is ignoring one's conscience in favor of making a bad choice.

 

I am not trying to be non-constructive. I wove myself one heck of a tale in order to justify cheating. I was in a years long platonic marriage with hardly any touching, an ivisible woman with a primary love language of touch, top emotional needs of sex and affection, to a man who had had a problem with gay porn and who refused to try to meet me halfway. It was only fair that I have what I need, and it would take the pressure off him, and our marriage basically qualified for an annulment given how rarely he touched me. I had every bit of cognitive dissonance neatly covered.

 

Except for that niggling fact that cheating on and betraying my husband was morally wrong no matter WHAT he may have done or not done. That their mother betraying their father was hurtful to my children.

 

It would have served no real purpose for me to disguise what was simply "I want this NOW but I am too much of a coward to leave first," as a psychological disorder. The people who helped me were the people who helped me tell myself the TRUTH.

 

And yes, as a WS, I was FULLY aware of what I was doing. I just did it anyway.

 

I hope you're not still in that marriage?!!!

[Anna-Belle]

It claims that the marriage was pretty much all a sham, and that the OW/OM came along and mystically granted the powers of feeling emotion to the poor, deprived WS...something that the hideous, clutching BS could never do.

 

Why are you painting the BS in the Split Self affair as hideous and clutching and the WS as poor and deprived? That is something I have never come across.

 

Both spouses have the same issue of having lost contact with their emotional self. None is better or worse than the other, at least not before the affair. Once the affair starts, I guess some would say the WS is worse.

 

And yet more badmouthing of the BS ???? - where does this come from?

 

This term is clearly 'slanted' towards removing the responsibility of the WS for their choice to be unfaithful, and praising the 'understanding ow' while villifying the BS who clearly was deficient and lacking in all ways.