Author affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 I agree it doesn't mean that OW is love of his life. It works both ways, I've never disputed that. But I'm not here saying all men are in self split and don't love their wives, not at all. I'm saying some men fit the bills of self split, exit affairs etc.. Don't know where I was going with last comment went a bit off tangent. Anyway.. Link to post Share on other sites
Moper Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 It's not that simple. If you are unhappy, and it is making your wife unhappy and you are both caught in a state of inertia and spinning your wheels, and you are even considering an affair as a solution, let her know. Tell her everything, hurtful though it maybe for her to hear it. It's not her setting you free, it's you setting her free. Free to live her life without walking in eggshells lest you decide today is the day you are going to leave. Can you imagine what that is like for her! She is likely under tremendous stress, and is in pain, but may not want to say anything because that could be your tipping point. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she must be going through, especially with all this talk about affairs. How would you feel? Letting her go while you sort yourself out and figure out what you want doesn't have to mean our margate ends. What it does mean is that you are both free to figure out if the marquee is what you really want, and also what role it plays in your life. I don't like advocating separation, but in your case, maybe it would be for the best. See what your life is like with out the marriage. Make your decisions based upon being fully informed about what your life would be like and not desperation. You may just find that you get a very different perspective than the one you have now. Interesting. I consider myself to be sick at the moment. If I read you correctly the part of our vows that involved sickness and health doesn't apply to my wife. Do I have that right? Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Interesting. I consider myself to be sick at the moment. If I read you correctly the part of our vows that involved sickness and health doesn't apply to my wife. Do I have that right? if you feel yo have depression, that is a mental illness, and from what I understand, unless it's bipolar disorder ( in which there can be a lot of infidelity during the "manic" state) it shouldn't result in infidelity. Honestly, it sounds much more like garden variety mid life crisis. Heck, almost everyone hits that age and starts to question their lives. There is nothing unusual about that. It how you handle it that is the issue. Yes, in sickness and in health is a valid point, but does that mean that she should stand idly by and let her heart be broken by you while you try to figure out yourself? Like I said, a separation doesn't automatically mean the end of your marriage. In fact, it could be seen as her giving you the support through your illness by allowing you to find what you want while still protecting herself. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I am continually amazed at the lengths people will go to to avoid actually taking responsibility for their actions and/or deluding themselves into believe wrong is right. Split self is just another example. I was no paragon of virtue when I had an affair, but at least I was honest enough to admit even during it that I was no poor besieged saint and the OM was not some cosmic angelic answer to the incompatible woes of the marriage to which I had committed. My mind is not so much blown by the reality of affairs, but of how prevalent the straight-faced blame shifting to the one innocent victim (the BS) is. I never would have thought. I mean, sure, I blamed my husband for a good bit of our unhappiness, but even I knew better than to blame him for MY choice and the OM's choice to crawl into bed and get naked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ok, just want to clarify again I'm not making excuses for him or anyone. I do not excuse cheating behaviour. Self split exists in my opinion and others. My post did not ask if anyone thinks its a real disorder/condition so say you don't believe it all you like it's not going to change my opinion. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ok, just want to clarify again I'm not making excuses for him or anyone. I do not excuse cheating behaviour. Self split exists in my opinion and others. My post did not ask if anyone thinks its a real disorder/condition so say you don't believe it all you like it's not going to change my opinion. Thanks Well, I'd reiterate my suggestion that focusing on whether or not he knew what he was doing is probably irrelevent and could potentially slow down your own personal recovery from all of this. None of this matters, post-affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 Of course. I agree I've stepped back this week trying to analyse is a waste of my time. Ill blame it on the chemo and tiredness over emotional . Not easy thinking clearly with this chemo fog let alone affair fog haha Link to post Share on other sites
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