Self split affairs - are they aware ??

[Anna-Belle]

Yeah I can see how it sounds like an excuse in some respects especially to a WS. I guess neither of us can be completely impartial.

I just read a really informative article and it described him , but of course maybe I saw what I wanted to see.

 

It seems bizarre a couple don't have an emotional connection to start with BUT would you not say that someone desperate to not repeat parents patterns, wants to prove sonething to a whole dysfunctional family; gets his gf pregnant a few months after getting back together after a break up at a very young age could not fit that bill? People do settle, and then find someone else whom they are more emotionally connected with it does happen but we know men don't leave.

 

Oh I'm sure the couple did have an emotional connection to start with. I don't think they would marry just anyone. I know my sMM and his wife had an emotional connection and he's clearly a Split Self.

[whichwayisup]

Oh I'm sure the couple did have an emotional connection to start with. I don't think they would marry just anyone. I know my sMM and his wife had an emotional connection and he's clearly a Split Self.

 

Shocker! I agree with you on this.

 

The self split affair states thst WS never ever had an emotional connection at all in the first place that's why they go looking..

Exactly as said above. Then why bother even getting married and having a family if there was no connection ever to begin with? Obviously there was at some point in time. To say that there wasn't, I think is hopeful/wishful thinking/fooling oneself on behalf of the OW/OM who thinks/believes that.

[rumbleseat]

Because it describes an actual clear cut split. a split personality type of syndrome that sometimes can never be reconciled. even before this word came about, people would use the term splitting to describe what happens to a child's personality if they are raised in some kind of trauma. It is a natural protection of the brain.

 

So, actually, cake-eating is a newer terminology to describe that type of deep conflict. I know that the opponents of this don't want to describe it in any way that endows it with depth or seriousness. Cake-eating sounds more frivolous, and it's more fun to describe a WS this way. But the truth is if WS's were simy selfish & frivolous, they would be much easier to rehabilitate, and there would be fewer false R's. It is very very hard for APs to stay away from each other, generally speaking. And there's a compelling reason why. It's not just a lack of willpower, it is a greater force than that, and I know it's very hard for BS's to believe, but not believing in it actually underestimates the enemy.

 

 

 

To me, it sounds like something that one an find in dollar store self help books.

 

Calling it a "syndrome" in an attempt to make it sound more acceptable just makes it seem more silly.

 

A syndrome refers not to any one particular issue , but a particular set of symptoms that come together to form a recognizable and accepted condition.

 

If someone's personality was "split" the way proponents of this "syndrome" would like to believe, then it would affect others areas of his life, not just the relationship with his wife. Funny how they are all fully functional, completely capable and completely " integrated" in every other way.

 

Seems like it's a convenient excuse , not just for him, but for the other woman. If married man has " split self syndrome" ( which, as the way it is described on here, seems to border on dissociative personality disorder, but it's completely localized to the affair/ marriage) , then it's not really his fault, and if he chooses his wife, it's not really him closing his spouse over her, it's his "split self" that's forcing him to do so.

 

A easy analogy would be to take it out of the affair/ marriage context and apply it to another area. Man has a job, maybe not as exciting as he would like, but he's happy enough. He's signed some sort of a contract whereby he agrees to not work for anyone else. One day he's reading the want ads and sees a job that's very different than his day job, and there'd be extra money, but it's not very stable and there's no guarantee it will last for the long term. taking it could mean that he could lose his regular job. He applies for and gets the job. Now he's got two jobs: the stable , steady decent paying day job, and his moonlighting position where he earns a bit of extra money on the side.

 

Is this "split self"? What "syndrome" explains this?

 

Most likely the simple syndrome of the human condition. Many people want to have their cake and eat it too. Some are cowards, some make bad choices, some are confused, some always want what they don't have....

 

Creating psychobabble is pointless...there's a reason this isn't in the DSMV.

[Moper]

Because it describes an actual clear cut split. a split personality type of syndrome that sometimes can never be reconciled. even before this word came about, people would use the term splitting to describe what happens to a child's personality if they are raised in some kind of trauma. It is a natural protection of the brain.

 

So, actually, cake-eating is a newer terminology to describe that type of deep conflict. I know that the opponents of this don't want to describe it in any way that endows it with depth or seriousness. Cake-eating sounds more frivolous, and it's more fun to describe a WS this way. But the truth is if WS's were simy selfish & frivolous, they would be much easier to rehabilitate, and there would be fewer false R's. It is very very hard for APs to stay away from each other, generally speaking. And there's a compelling reason why. It's not just a lack of willpower, it is a greater force than that, and I know it's very hard for BS's to believe, but not believing in it actually underestimates the enemy.

 

Very well put but it isn't a syndrome or disorder. It isn't a split personality, which is a psychosis.

 

I think perhaps by overstating it we may be over estimating the enemy.

 

And how interesting, too, to describe the A as the enemy. Those who oppose the idea of split-self seem to do so based on their perception that split-self somehow justifies the A.

[Moper]

To me, it sounds like something that one an find in dollar store self help books.

 

Calling it a "syndrome" in an attempt to make it sound more acceptable just makes it seem more silly.

 

A syndrome refers not to any one particular issue , but a particular set of symptoms that come together to form a recognizable and accepted condition.

 

If someone's personality was "split" the way proponents of this "syndrome" would like to believe, then it would affect others areas of his life, not just the relationship with his wife. Funny how they are all fully functional, completely capable and completely " integrated" in every other way.

 

Seems like it's a convenient excuse , not just for him, but for the other woman. If married man has " split self syndrome" ( which, as the way it is described on here, seems to border on dissociative personality disorder, but it's completely localized to the affair/ marriage) , then it's not really his fault, and if he chooses his wife, it's not really him closing his spouse over her, it's his "split self" that's forcing him to do so.

 

A easy analogy would be to take it out of the affair/ marriage context and apply it to another area. Man has a job, maybe not as exciting as he would like, but he's happy enough. He's signed some sort of a contract whereby he agrees to not work for anyone else. One day he's reading the want ads and sees a job that's very different than his day job, and there'd be extra money, but it's not very stable and there's no guarantee it will last for the long term. taking it could mean that he could lose his regular job. He applies for and gets the job. Now he's got two jobs: the stable , steady decent paying day job, and his moonlighting position where he earns a bit of extra money on the side.

 

Is this "split self"? What "syndrome" explains this?

 

Most likely the simple syndrome of the human condition. Many people want to have their cake and eat it too. Some are cowards, some make bad choices, some are confused, some always want what they don't have....

 

Creating psychobabble is pointless...there's a reason this isn't in the DSMV.

 

From what I read it specifically stated that it is not a disorder and not a split personality. Can you please cite something that supports your notion here?

[rumbleseat]

From what I read it specifically stated that it is not a disorder and not a split personality. Can you please cite something that supports your notion here?

 

 

I was referring to a description of it made by another poster. To your credit, you spotted it as well.

 

It is not a disorder, and not a " syndrome" , then it sounds like you are simply describing human nature. To want what one doesn't have.

 

Wy does this need to be made into a "syndrome" and turned into something that will require months (if to years) of counselling, therapy whatever to overcome?

 

 

The simple answer is it sells books and makes a tidy income for the author.

 

Much simpler method to deal with an affair? Stop seeing other woman, separate from wife and spend some time figuring out what you (collective) want from life.

 

Don't leave two women hanging on while you find yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Much simpler method to deal with an affair? Stop seeing other woman, separate from wife and spend some time figuring out what you (collective) want from life.

Don't leave two women hanging on while you find yourself.

 

Completely agree with this. It's just mean and selfish to do to two people a WS claims to love and care about.

[rumbleseat]

I guess one person's Jung 101 is another person's dimestore pop psychology. We're all on here grasping at straws anyway, believing what we want to believe. Sex addiction isn't in the DSMV either, but people take it seriously enough...

 

 

In general, dissociative disorders are a disorder and when splitting occurs in some people, it DOES localize to certain personality traits/areas of life. For example, I know a woman who was raped repeatedly in childhood. She dissociates around the area of sex. In many other ways she is a fully engaged, open and vulnerable human being. Kind of makes simple sense, no? Plus the A person is ABSOLUTELY splitting at work, around their kids & family...hiding the A, hiding the new things they might be doing with the AP that are totally out of character (like skydiving or drinking or what have you,) and I guarantee you they are doing some of this authentic self/ public self splitting in their careers, you just don't really know how that plays out.

 

I really don't understand why something that "lets someone off the hook" is such a terrible idea. Why is it so threatening to accept another angle/explanation/viewpoint? It's like people who get mad at addiction being described as a disease because it lets the person off the hook. So what? Who are you? A person who enjoys watching people squirm ON the bloody hook? I'll bet you are. And I'm gonna start a thread someday about how the most morally indignant people are also always the people most likely to be punishers. There should be a "punisher personality" in the DSMV.

 

I mean, the goal here is reconciliation, right? So...you want to reconcile with someone who you find inexcusably bereft of integrity? Hmmm.. so how much remorse is enough? Lots? Lots and lots? A lifetime's worth? How much of this boot on the neck scrutiny really REALLY fosters a loving environment based on mutual respect if there can be NO rhyme, NO reason, NO excuse for the cheating, other than generalized selfishness? If you are so certain of the morality of such an act, surely it must behoove you to remove this person from your life forever and ever. You kinda can't have it both ways. If a cheater is a cheater is a cheater (as in: just jerks, plain and simple, no big psychology going on here) then perhaps all non cheaters should abandon them forever.

 

Ah!! But then there's that heroic ex-cheater who hands over his GPS and phone, puts on the hair shirt, kneels on rice and repents publicly forever and ever amen! THAT guy's awesome!

 

There is something almost biblical in the whole repentance-and-reconciliation phenomenon. There's a fever-pitched mass hysteria feel to it that does not ring true to me at all. Given so many stories about false R (which I experienced first hand, watching my MM fake his way through that EXTREMELY SUCCESSFULLY), I suspect the players in this game aren't so convinced either. Hence all the people who are not OM/OW incessantly roaming around on here...their suspicions have not yet been silenced by such a program.

 

Maybe looking at things from another angle can be liberating?

 

Ah, there is nothing the like the nothing-is-ever-anyone's-responsibility line of thinking to bring bile to one's throat and a guffaw to their face. Dr. Phil would be very proud of this logic.

 

I wonder how "fake" he was being with you, since he has such a propensity for deceit, but I forget, he only lied about you, never to you.

 

It doesn't take being an ow/on to understand human nature. It doesn't take being one to know that some people can engage in some pretty craptacular behvavior , then cry " it's not my fault"

 

While I follow no religion myself, I find it quite ironic that those who like to make remarks about others and their "religion" are every bit the zealot. The only difference is they have exchanged the "devil made me do it" for " my psychological issues made me do it".

 

It's also sad that some would rather see a conflicted mm or mw believe this "split self" nonsense simply because it suits their own agenda. Who cares if it hurts them, if they end up unhappy, if they end up going through life like a human wrecking ball; so long as that person can rationalize their own choices and poor behvavior ( or that of the mm or mw they are having an affair with) all's good.

 

Btw...dissociative personality disorder refers to this :

 

 

NAMI | Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)

 

It has zero to do with this "split self theory". Please read before you make these declarations. Youncould be passing along incorrect information to someone that could be harmful to them. A mm/mw being conflicted has nothing to do with dissociative personality disorder, and trying to tie the two together is doing them a great disservice. After all, making a very selfish mistake is much easier to remedy that having some sort of psychological condition.

Edited August 20, 2013 by rumbleseat

[rumbleseat]

ok, "splitting" happens even with folks that don't have full blown MPD. I never said this was MPD, but that, like a dissociative disorder, splitting occurs n some personalities (not to mention very little is known about any of this, and few professionals reform anyone with any real psychosis. It's actually simpler to accept crazy people into our world than it is to try to fix them, but that's another topic.)

 

Normal dissociation is referred to sometimes as "splitting". It's a coping skill. These are not excuses or diseases. I used the word syndrome to describe a complex set of symptoms, not to claim this is a disease.

 

I'm not out to inform or misinform anybody...these are my opinions and I simply think people would benefit, in some cases, from seeing their WS as a not really integrated person..they lead a double life because they HAVE a double personality---the personality you know + a shadow personality you ought to GET to know, cause it's there, it's happening and it's real. It's not about shirking responsibility, although I still question what/where/who the payout goes to when responsibility is taken...what exactly do you WANT from your cheater? What is payment ENOUGH for the crime? Promises? The destruction of the AP? Renewed vows? Eternal remorse? 15% off your car insurance? Your pride and power back? Balls in a sling? The head of John the Baptist? What?

 

Punisher personality, all that retching of bile and guffawing, the harrumphing and derision and crossed arms and smirky smirking...you proved my point.

 

Your welcome. Always glad to help.

 

So you basically described a married man who cheats as having different facets to his personality.

 

Guess what? That doesn't make him "split self" , that makes him a frickin' human being who messed up. I would postulate that one of his "selves" is capable of being incredibly deceitful.

 

 

The very belief that there is no such thing as " split self" is what allows a bs to reconcile. They see all the parts of the man, and accept him. No splitting required. No excuses required. Explain the action, yes, discussion, of course, but nonsense psychobabble none of that is needed. Responsibility for making poor choices is so important. After all a bw wants a husband who's a man and not some little boy. She wants an adult.

 

 

As for your gloating that your mm lied to his wife and kept up the affair, yep, I'd be real proud of that too if I were you

 

 

Personally, I would think that it would be a much better thing to tell ow, on and bs that they don't have to put up with any of this nonsense. If the person they love can't be with just them, then they need to keep on walking and find someone else. Empowering them to make good choices that don't mire them down in pop psychology hell seems a far better thing.

[Anna-Belle]

Normal dissociation is referred to sometimes as "splitting". It's a coping skill. These are not excuses or diseases. I used the word syndrome to describe a complex set of symptoms, not to claim this is a disease.

 

That's what I understand the Split Self to be: a coping skill, a survival mechanism, learnt in childhood when you were part of your dysfunctional family of origin. It's served its purposes well throughout your life but eventually it's not working anymore and this is where some people with Split Self resort to affairs.

 

Remember the BS is also a Split Self. I wonder if this is why some BSs so strongly reject this, because they do not want to take their share of the responsibility, they do not want to see that they are no more the victim than the WS is. Affairs are the symptom of a dysfunctional family just like the child with anorexia is. Do we blame the child with anorexia? Do we think guilt and shame will help and motivate that child?

 

Since our relationship is one of a rekindled relationship I have the benefit of actually knowing what my sMM's family of origin was like. I was there, I knew them. I saw the dysfunction. I can see why my sMM chose the road he did, he was the successful child, the one who got all the praise for being the good child. It's hard to resist such positive feedback for storing away your emotions.

[SidLyon]

That's what I understand the Split Self to be: a coping skill, a survival mechanism, learnt in childhood when you were part of your dysfunctional family of origin. It's served its purposes well throughout your life but eventually it's not working anymore and this is where some people with Split Self resort to affairs.

 

...

Since our relationship is one of a rekindled relationship I have the benefit of actually knowing what my sMM's family of origin was like. I was there, I knew them. I saw the dysfunction. I can see why my sMM chose the road he did, he was the successful child, the one who got all the praise for being the good child. It's hard to resist such positive feedback for storing away your emotions.

 

So what does his dysfunctional family think of him now? His parents, siblings, his wife, their kids? What do they think of you, or are you still a secret?

[Anna-Belle]

So what does his dysfunctional family think of him now? His parents, siblings, his wife, their kids? What do they think of you, or are you still a secret?

 

No, everybody knows I'm his girlfriend now. And they are very supportive. It turns out he wasn't the first one of the siblings to have an EMR. You know, all this time he was so afraid of how his family, his extended family, his friends and his work colleagues would view him if they found out he had been unfaithful, and here we are, he had never expected the support and acceptance he is receiving.

 

Even his father-in-law was supportive. (Turns out he once had an affair too but chose to reconcile.) His comment was "Sorry the marriage didn't work out."

 

His kids are doing fine considering their parents have just separated. They too know about me. His one living parent is okay with the situation. His wife obviously detests the fact that he has been having a relationship with another woman for years behind her back, but her sentiment is that he is a good person and father, but a lousy husband. She too is going to counseling, which I presume has been helpful to her during this difficult period of her life.

[Anna-Belle]

It's ironic really that while this might seem all rosy from your perspective, it actually demonstrates just how dysfunctional the family are. That's a lot of dysfunction to be modelling to so many kids..

 

I'd say quite the opposite. He is showing his children how to deal maturely with a very difficult life situation. He is modeling that even though he in the past made a decision to deceive his wife, he is now taking the consequences of that choice, living authentically and continuing to care for his children and his wife even though he no longer is in a romantic relationship with their mother.

[SidLyon]

I'd say quite the opposite. He is showing his children how to deal maturely with a very difficult life situation. He is modeling that even though he in the past made a decision to deceive his wife, he is now taking the consequences of that choice, living authentically and continuing to care for his children and his wife even though he no longer is in a relationship with their mother.

 

Ah well, you were the one that mentioned how dysfunctional his family are/were. Perhaps their split-selves and any accompanying dysfunction, have also been healed in the process of the marriage breaking down, him seeking IC and apparently finding his authentic self and healing the split.

 

If so, it's amazing how accurate and successful Emily Brown is in identifying the OW as the solution to all the problems in a family that has split-selves in it.

[Anna-Belle]

If so, it's amazing how accurate and successful Emily Brown is in identifying the OW as the solution to all the problems in a family that has split-selves in it.

 

I'm amazed at the many strange conclusions which are drawn from Emily Brown's work.

 

The OW isn't the solution. Integrating the emotional and the rational self is. And for a reconciliation to be successful both spouses need to do this.

 

The affair is a symptom of the dysfunctional marriage, not the solution. Although it does show that work needs to be done, that something is wrong. A heads up you could say.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Anna-Belle

[Moper]

I was referring to a description of it made by another poster. To your credit, you spotted it as well.

 

It is not a disorder, and not a " syndrome" , then it sounds like you are simply describing human nature. To want what one doesn't have.

 

Wy does this need to be made into a "syndrome" and turned into something that will require months (if to years) of counselling, therapy whatever to overcome?

 

 

The simple answer is it sells books and makes a tidy income for the author.

 

Much simpler method to deal with an affair? Stop seeing other woman, separate from wife and spend some time figuring out what you (collective) want from life.

 

Don't leave two women hanging on while you filnd yourself.

 

What's wrong with describing human nature?

 

I would narrow that to "a certain aspect of human nature expressed by certain people."

 

We all seem to agree here that an A is toxic, but it happens. There is no single reason for.an A but clearly people who do this can be categorized.

 

 

I don't think it is as simple as you suggest here. Lives are intertwined in so many ways. I do not blame the BS in any way but to say their behavior is not part of the system is not realistic either. The solution takes time.

[affairaddict]

Very well put Moper. Agree.

[Moper]

Very well put Moper. Agree.

 

Thank you.

 

I guess, given the toxicity of an A, one should not be surprised by spill over of those toxins into any discussion. I suppose I should be more patient with that.

[rumbleseat]

Thank you.

 

I guess, given the toxicity of an A, one should not be surprised by spill over of those toxins into any discussion. I suppose I should be more patient with that.

 

 

 

From what you say, you are battling depression. Having had some experience with that, you have my deepest sympathies. It's a very painful place to be, both mentally and physically.

 

That being said, unless the depression is situational, it is not being caused by issues in Your marriage. Even if you had a perfect marriage, the depression would still be there. It may well be contributing to the issues in your marriage, but it most likely isn't being caused by it.

 

The reason I have an issue with this split self quackery is that like any other quackery, it doesn't really offer any help, except perhaps as a placebo.

 

Have you ever looked at who accepts it as an explanation, and questioned why it appeals to them so much? Why does labelling a crappy facet of the human spectrum of behaviours make so much sense to them? It reminds me of s criminal who is quite quick to label their behaviour as having some basis in psychology because it absolves them of responsibility for their choices and actions.

 

It's not an issue of judging a person, it's an issue of looking at their actions and realizing that they have the ability to make better choices in their life.

 

In an affair situation, the better choice than to have or to stay in an affair that goes on for years and years is to end both. If there is some sort of "split self" going on, how does keeping both ( or either) relationship solve anything? Better to let the two others parties go to find their own happiness while the conflicted person sorts themselves out.

[rumbleseat]

No, everybody knows I'm his girlfriend now. And they are very supportive. It turns out he wasn't the first one of the siblings to have an EMR. You know, all this time he was so afraid of how his family, his extended family, his friends and his work colleagues would view him if they found out he had been unfaithful, and here we are, he had never expected the support and acceptance he is receiving.

 

Even his father-in-law was supportive. (Turns out he once had an affair too but chose to reconcile.) His comment was "Sorry the marriage didn't work out."

 

His kids are doing fine considering their parents have just separated. They too know about me. His one living parent is okay with the situation. His wife obviously detests the fact that he has been having a relationship with another woman for years behind her back, but her sentiment is that he is a good person and father, but a lousy husband. She too is going to counseling, which I presume has been helpful to her during this difficult period of her life.

 

I am now a believer in split self, but only in the ow.

 

You are showing every symptom of dissociating from reality.

 

Are you really expecting us to believe that his father is law is supportive of him having cheated on his wife? "Sorry the marriage didn't work out " is not supportive, it's just being polite.( sounds more like he knows nothing about the affair...more lying and deceit. Do you really think he would have said this if he knew about the affair? )

 

And his kids know about you and are fine with it? Fine that their mom got hurt?

 

And of course you know all of this from thousands of km away? Why? Because he tells you? This man, who has "split self" and will gladly lie and be deceitful to keep his two relationships going now is suddenly telling the truth?

 

I hope that no ow aspire to be like you. You are no role model for anyone finding empowerment and happiness in their life. A far better role model is one who tells a mm to sort his stuff out, make sure he's ready and then come and find her when his marriage is over. All this flubbing around and waiting for years when she could find someone who wouldn't treat her that way isn't healthy, but I understand you needing to validate your own issues by rationalizing it and then hoping others will crawl down into the mud with you.

[Moper]

From what you say, you are battling depression. Having had some experience with that, you have my deepest sympathies. It's a very painful place to be, both mentally and physically.

 

That being said, unless the depression is situational, it is not being caused by issues in Your marriage. Even if you had a perfect marriage, the depression would still be there. It may well be contributing to the issues in your marriage, but it most likely isn't being caused by it.

 

The reason I have an issue with this split self quackery is that like any other quackery, it doesn't really offer any help, except perhaps as a placebo.

 

Have you ever looked at who accepts it as an explanation, and questioned why it appeals to them so much? Why does labelling a crappy facet of the human spectrum of behaviours make so much sense to them? It reminds me of s criminal who is quite quick to label their behaviour as having some basis in psychology because it absolves them of responsibility for their choices and actions.

 

It's not an issue of judging a person, it's an issue of looking at their actions and realizing that they have the ability to make better choices in their life.

 

In an affair situation, the better choice than to have or to stay in an affair that goes on for years and years is to end both. If there is some sort of "split self" going on, how does keeping both ( or either) relationship solve anything? Better to let the two others parties go to find their own happiness while the conflicted person sorts themselves out.

 

RS I haven't even come close to revealing that much about myself and even what I have said here isn't necessarily fact. However I am depressed and I am on a strange merry-go-round. Whether my marriage issues (forget about an A because, as I said, that isn't necessarily true) are a product of my depression or the cause of it, I don't really know. I expect both are true. I hope to figure that out and deal with it. So I am not in an affair. Okay? It is more of a thought experiment than anything else. Does that change your thinking at all? If I am not physically engaged in sex with someone outside of my marriage but I am looking at my marriage and thinking that it isn't working for me because my heart isn't in it, but my head is, then what? And by the way, my wife is fully informed. She is nervous, naturally, but supportive. She doesn't think it's the marriage either (but between you and I, I think she too has a "split-self" or whatever you want to call it). I mean that is the profile, right? Both spouses have it? So are you saying she ought to free me?

[rumbleseat]

RS I haven't even come close to revealing that much about myself and even what I have said here isn't necessarily fact. However I am depressed and I am on a strange merry-go-round. Whether my marriage issues (forget about an A because, as I said, that isn't necessarily true) are a product of my depression or the cause of it, I don't really know. I expect both are true. I hope to figure that out and deal with it. So I am not in an affair. Okay? It is more of a thought experiment than anything else. Does that change your thinking at all? If I am not physically engaged in sex with someone outside of my marriage but I am looking at my marriage and thinking that it isn't working for me because my heart isn't in it, but my head is, then what? And by the way, my wife is fully informed. She is nervous, naturally, but supportive. She doesn't think it's the marriage either (but between you and I, I think she too has a "split-self" or whatever you want to call it). I mean that is the profile, right? Both spouses have it? So are you saying she ought to free me?

 

It's not that simple.

If you are unhappy, and it is making your wife unhappy and you are both caught in a state of inertia and spinning your wheels, and you are even considering an affair as a solution, let her know. Tell her everything, hurtful though it maybe for her to hear it.

It's not her setting you free, it's you setting her free. Free to live her life without walking in eggshells lest you decide today is the day you are going to leave. Can you imagine what that is like for her! She is likely under tremendous stress, and is in pain, but may not want to say anything because that could be your tipping point.

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she must be going through, especially with all this talk about affairs. How would you feel?

 

Letting her go while you sort yourself out and figure out what you want doesn't have to mean our margate ends. What it does mean is that you are both free to figure out if the marquee is what you really want, and also what role it plays in your life.

 

I don't like advocating separation, but in your case, maybe it would be for the best. See what your life is like with out the marriage. Make your decisions based upon being fully informed about what your life would be like and not desperation. You may just find that you get a very different perspective than the one you have now.

[Owl]

I'm amazed at the many strange conclusions which are drawn from Emily Brown's work.

 

The OW isn't the solution. Integrating the emotional and the rational self is. And for a reconciliation to be successful both spouses need to do this.

 

The affair is a symptom of the dysfunctional marriage, not the solution. Although it does show that work needs to be done, that something is wrong. A heads up you could say.

 

Again, note the division lines in the viewpoints on her work.

 

That should remove some of the amazement.

 

Everything I've read from her, and about her, makes the division in who supports her work and who doesn't quite unsurprising for me.

 

We've all noted it repeatedly...BS's don't agree with her conclusions, WS/AP's love it.

 

While you say that "the OW isn't the solution"...she seems to credit the OW with the ability to provide the WS emotional support that the BS apparently cannot. Again...I don't buy that. The BS could/can in the majority of cases...if the WS were to communicate clearly, rather than take the infidelity path as an 'out'.

 

Again, it makes the marriage seem like a "duty" and the affair seem like a "reward". He's stuck in a marriage solely by honor, remains there all self-sacrificing because he doesn't want to be the bad guy...but the OW comes along and magically shows him the path to freedom and love.

 

Which is precisely why you see the division in who supports and who does not.

 

I simply don't believe that there are that many men who are so noble and self-sacrificing to remain in these horrendous marriages all their lives until they're finally rescued by the angelic OW who swoop down from above shining light and glory into their broken little hearts, and sweep them off to lovey-dovey land.

[affairaddict]

I believe it. The fact is that people meet better suitors, people they connect with better emotionally, sexually both. I know BS can't bare the thought of another woman being a better fit with their husband but it's possible.

 

Men stay sometimes because they want to do the right thing and keep up that good image. Just because men don't leave their wives in most cases does not mean their wives are always the loves of their lives. Some men are torn and even wonder if they made the right decision years down the line ,

 

only the other day I talked to one man who was in love with his friend during his marriage but it was never discussed although he felt she felt the same way.

He confessed to his wife and he did not see his friend again.

He says he fixed the problems in his marriage and he's in love with his W again. But 5 years on he's wondering if he made the right decision and it taunts him still!! He wonders what she is up to what life would have been like if he'd left his W.

 

How do BS know for sure that's not their H still thinking Bout OW when they've apparently reconciled and happy?

[Owl]

I believe it. The fact is that people meet better suitors, people they connect with better emotionally, sexually both. I know BS can't bare the thought of another woman being a better fit with their husband but it's possible.

 

Men stay sometimes because they want to do the right thing and keep up that good image. Just because men don't leave their wives in most cases does not mean their wives are always the loves of their lives. Some men are torn and even wonder if they made the right decision years down the line

 

Granted, but that also doesn't mean that because he had an affair, the OW was the love of his life.

 

It just means that he cheated.

 

The "cause" or reason should hopefully be investigated, the truth brought out to both spouses so that they both have the option to decide what this all means for the future of the marriage.

 

 

only the other day I talked to one man who was in love with his friend during his marriage but it was never discussed although he felt she felt the same way.

He confessed to his wife and he did not see his friend again.

He says he fixed the problems in his marriage and he's in love with his W again. But 5 years on he's wondering if he made the right decision and it taunts him still!! He wonders what she is up to what life would have been like if he'd left his W.

 

How do BS know for sure that's not their H still thinking Bout OW when they've apparently reconciled and happy?

 

Not sure what the question has to do with split self affairs?

 

How would the OW who ends up with the MM know for sure that he's not thinking of his wife when they've apparently created a new relationship?

 

It applies equally.