"Women's intuition" how the hell do you counter that?

[anna121]

She doesn't know. He claims he told her in that post; I call complete B.S.

 

I recall reading in a previous post that she found out about it independent of him.

[Star Gazer]

Wow - maybe this chick is a lot dumber than I thought.

 

Well, she must have very recently found out, because in his original posts, she didn't know. Perhaps she's going to dinner to find out the truth/more, that her perhaps-soon-to-be-EX boyfriend hid from her... such as all these sleepovers...

[Knoxpwns]

And now she's having dinner with the girl?

 

Wow - maybe this chick is a lot dumber than I thought.

 

Or maybe she really cares about him and will do anything to fix it?

 

I've been in his girlfriends shoes myself, except the hate for "Guy friend" was reciprocated. She didn't care, wouldn't change, I tried to reason, she wouldn't budge, promised me there was no romantic feelings between them, and now I'm alone in my home state and guy friend is plowing her in my bed.

 

Honestly, tl;dr OP is a tool and I really hope his gf drops his dumbass and doesn't wait for the final collapse like I did.

[kaylan]

My GF had a problem with me hanging out with a female friend, you can get better background information in this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/416967-why-only-female-friends-cause-jealousy-4.html#post5144555

 

so I've decided to talk to her.

 

At first she refused to talk about it, but then she just blew up & told me she hated this particular friend, I asked her why, & she gave me vague answers like "the way she looks at me" & "the way she dresses when she's with me", I told her I'm not gonna discuss this until she calms down, after staying silent for about 10 minutes, she began to talk, but in a calm rational manner this time.

 

She said that she had no problem with me hanging out with a female friend, but she had a gut feeling that this friend is interested in me, or "women's intuition" as she put it & she insisted on it, I told her I'm gonna need to process this & then left.

 

So how the hell am I supposed to counter that? I can't prove her wrong even though I know for a fact that me & this friend are not interested in each other, she says she trusts me 100% but that is irrelevant to her, she just doesn't trust my friend.

Wow dude.

 

Either you value your relationship with your girlfriend or you dont. Im thinking you dont. You slept with this other woman in the past. And spend a lot of time with her presently, and she dresses a particular way when you hang out.

 

Why wouldnt your gf have intuition about this. Just break up already so she can find a man who values her.

[TheGuard13]

Wait a minute, his girlfriend is going to dinner alone with his girl friend?

 

Yeah, that'll end well.

 

If I'm this guy, I'd be terrified of leaving them alone together at this point.

 

Ironic, really...

[kaylan]

PS - If you cared about her at all you'd reassure her that shes the woman you need in your life, and put some space between yourself and that friend of yours.

[nescafe1982]

Or maybe she really cares about him and will do anything to fix it?

 

I've been in his girlfriends shoes myself, except the hate for "Guy friend" was reciprocated. She didn't care, wouldn't change, I tried to reason, she wouldn't budge, promised me there was no romantic feelings between them, and now I'm alone in my home state and guy friend is plowing her in my bed.

 

Honestly, tl;dr OP is a tool and I really hope his gf drops his dumbass and doesn't wait for the final collapse like I did.

 

I have to admit I've been involved in this same scenario too.

 

My ex BF had a girl he was "friends" with. He told her everything, including our relationship stuff, and she manipulated him under the guise of "advice." Of course, her advice was all completely self-serving and he treated me in a manner very similar to how Summer is treating his GF right now: he told me things like "your jealousy/insecurity is not my problem; it's yours so deal with it." I was perpetually insecure because he treated this other woman better than me, and the few times I stuck up for myself, he ran straight to her and told her all about it!

 

Eventually, he told me that her and I should meet (that's right, we hadn't even met). Desperate to regain my bearings in the relationship, I consented to meet her (with him, in a group setting). But by doing that, I was in essence taking responsibility for the problem... I was taking responsibility for his emotional affair! When I met her, she treated me like ****. Afterwards I told my BF I didn't appreciate her saying rude things to me and that I needed him to stick up for me. It did nothing but make me look bad, though... because now I was the one with the bad attitude.

 

The moral of the story: it's scummy for a BF (or GF) to maintain an emotional affair (because let's call a spade a spade... that's what this looks like). I think Summer even knows what he's doing is scummy, or else he wouldn't be trying so hard to make his GF accept responsibility for the problem. But: if she does accept responsibility for the problem (if she allows Summer to make this issue about her and his friend instead of about his own issues with boundaries), she puts herself at an enormously dis-empowered position and will go through the psychological wringer in the meantime. It's manipulation, pure and simple.

 

Summer, if she's willing to consent to hanging out with your "other woman" to keep you, it's because for some reason, she loves you a whole lot. But you're being enormously unfair to her by pushing her to accept blame for your failings. You will hurt her if you keep doing it... and if that doesn't matter to you, then you have no business being in her life.

 

If you take no other advice seriously, please heed this: your actions have consequences, even if you evade responsibility and those consequences impact someone else. Someone will be enormously hurt by what you're doing. If it's not you, does that really make it any better?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

OMG I finally figured this out...finally....

 

OP/Summer - you are pretty young (24?) and you have known the BFF for "a while" and she slept with you, indicated it was a drunken mistake (Did I hear you were college roommates?) but you became besties.

 

She then has proceeded to provide you with wingman services, critiquing your dates; "Helping you out" getting dates and providing relationship advice.

 

You hang out one on one, a lot and you both have a ton in common. So of course you get mostvof your dating guidance from her.

 

She has been providing you with "relationship advice" about your current girlfriend. Being your confidant, creating a bond of the two of you that excludes everyone else.

 

... Has she ever been IN a relationship? A long term one? With anyone other than you?

 

She's a Trojan horse. She's your Trojan horse.

 

There is so much advice you have been given, but discount because we are offending you or you perceive it as an insult, amiright? Or maybe you really think your situation is so very different from the others?

 

Too bad...you have gotten some good stuff here...with the exception of the posters who just wait for just this kind of topic to start a thread war about how girls hate guys, or guys hate girls or whatever.

 

But I know you won't listen...but the good thing is you have several years for this thread, and your other thread to be available for you to read after all this is over. Maybe then you will realize we meant well and tried to help you.

 

It's like a train wreck. We know its coming but you won't get off the track...

[nescafe1982]

She has been providing you with "relationship advice" about your current girlfriend. Being your confidant, creating a bond of the two of you that excludes everyone else.

 

... Has she ever been IN a relationship? A long term one? With anyone other than you?

 

She's a Trojan horse. She's your Trojan horse.

 

Yes. I agree 100%. "advice giving," the "confidant" role, these are common ploys for women who seek out emotional affairs with attached men. It seems so harmless at first because the intimacy seems platonic and well-intentioned, and it usually IS sincere.

 

... but I guarantee you that each of the defenses that Summer has brought up here came directly from his discussions with his "friend," who is indeed the Other Woman.

[SoaringPhenix]

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I already mentioned that I told her about it, she said she felt that we had a past.

 

 

 

Perhaps you're right, but I am not hurting her, I don't know what to do if having a friend she dislikes hurts her feelings, which seems to be the crux of the issue.

 

Right now I got my friend to call her & arrange dinner with her, my GF didn't even call to tell me that my friend called her, I want them to get along so that I don't feel guilty for having lunch with a friend, but my GF not calling me & telling me about their plans tells me that she has her mind set, I hope I'm wrong though.

 

 

OMG you can't possibly be this stupid. This is past the point of being just about the friendship. Yes that is still part of it. However by completely dismissing her feelings and your totally moronic childish need to prove you are right above all costs IS WHAT IS HURTING HER!!!

[Els]

 

I'm willing to listen to any advice that would stipulate that my GF is 100% okay with me hanging out with female friends, even at their place, since that's exactly what she said, her problem is with this particular friend, an advice like "don't hang out at her place & go to coffee shops instead" or "tune down your time together" doesn't help since that's not the problem here, the problem is that my GF doesn't like her.

 

So stop doing it with this particular friend. Obviously there are differences depending on who the person is and what vibes your partner gets from them.

 

Your gf is actually being much more tolerant (some would say, doormat-ish) than most - I don't know anyone, male or female, who would actually be okay with what you're doing regardless of sexual past. So stopping the inappropriate behaviour with THIS friend isn't 'catering to her insecurity' - it's the very least you could do. Trust me, if you DID 'tune down your time together' and 'not hang out at her place' with THIS girl, it would probably help a lot.

 

But what do I care, you're going to ignore all of this in favour of the few posts from the Bitter Brigade again.

 

Well, good luck ending up in the same ship as them. Y'all will have a blast, I'm sure.

[hoping2heal]

My GF had a problem with me hanging out with a female friend, you can get better background information in this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/416967-why-only-female-friends-cause-jealousy-4.html#post5144555

 

so I've decided to talk to her.

 

At first she refused to talk about it, but then she just blew up & told me she hated this particular friend, I asked her why, & she gave me vague answers like "the way she looks at me" & "the way she dresses when she's with me", I told her I'm not gonna discuss this until she calms down, after staying silent for about 10 minutes, she began to talk, but in a calm rational manner this time.

 

She said that she had no problem with me hanging out with a female friend, but she had a gut feeling that this friend is interested in me, or "women's intuition" as she put it & she insisted on it, I told her I'm gonna need to process this & then left.

 

So how the hell am I supposed to counter that? I can't prove her wrong even though I know for a fact that me & this friend are not interested in each other, she says she trusts me 100% but that is irrelevant to her, she just doesn't trust my friend.

 

How is the way this woman looks at you, and the way she dresses when around you vague? Granted, I have to wonder if your GF has some kind of basis for knowing how this woman dresses when not around you to assume it means anything.

 

Has she done this about any other female friend? If not, then she is probably onto something whether you think so or not.

[scorpiogirl]

You have proved in every single post of yours that your girlfriend is right.

My guess is also that, even if you are not interested in your female friend, she IS interested in you, despite your protests to the contrary. My guess is also that you know this and that's why you refuse to let her go.

 

You are putting her above your girlfriend, who by the way is not being unreasonable, and telling you to cut off ties with ALL female friends.

 

Your girlfriend should leave you. Yesterday.

[CrystalCastles]

I've been the "friend". Twice.

 

And from what the OP has described, this was exactly my behaviour (nope, totally not proud of it, and I'm sure karma will get me soon). I even told the guy to calm his gf down, that I'm not interested in him romantically, and that all I see is friendship (meanwhile I enjoyed his advances and attention, him taking me out to fancy dinners and paying for everything). The "support" this "friend" is showing towards the relationship is a mask- I know because I did that. Otherwise, if the "friend" exposes her true intentions- that she is actually the enemy of the relationship- there is a risk the guy will be like, waaaat? and get rid of the "friend".

 

The whole point of the "friend" is to keep the guy around so he'll continue feeding her need of attention. Therefore she will try to falsely calm the flames by pretending to be a friend and supporter of the guy's relationship (in the OPs case, going to dinner with the gf).

[Simon Phoenix]

Perhaps you're right, but I am not hurting her, I don't know what to do if having a friend she dislikes hurts her feelings, which seems to be the crux of the issue.

 

If she thinks you are hurting her, you are hurting her. Stop projecting what you feel her feelings should be on to her. That's one of the most unbelievably selfish, callous things one can do and you should be ashamed by your thought process.

 

It doesn't matter if you don't mean to hurt her. It is hurting her. I mean, who means more, your girlfriend or your female friend? Why can't you hang out with this female friend in a bigger group and can the 1-on-1s? What guy hangs out with another woman 1-on-1 multiple times a week when they are in a relationship? That's absurd.

 

If your girlfriend means more, then you need to relax with the female friend. No 1-on-1s, just hang out with her in a bigger group. If the female friend means more, then you need to break up with your girlfriend. Stop being a weasely cake eater.

[RogerWallace111]

I've been the "friend". Twice.

 

And from what the OP has described, this was exactly my behaviour (nope, totally not proud of it, and I'm sure karma will get me soon). I even told the guy to calm his gf down, that I'm not interested in him romantically, and that all I see is friendship (meanwhile I enjoyed his advances and attention, him taking me out to fancy dinners and paying for everything). The "support" this "friend" is showing towards the relationship is a mask- I know because I did that. Otherwise, if the "friend" exposes her true intentions- that she is actually the enemy of the relationship- there is a risk the guy will be like, waaaat? and get rid of the "friend".

 

The whole point of the "friend" is to keep the guy around so he'll continue feeding her need of attention. Therefore she will try to falsely calm the flames by pretending to be a friend and supporter of the guy's relationship (in the OPs case, going to dinner with the gf).

 

Thankyou.........

 

I'm a guy but I have had this "friend", and watched buddies of mine have her. She very well may not even be attracted to OP, but the effect is the same.