How to be a Real Friend?

[chainsmoker]

I feel I do not know how to be a friend and would like some advice. In two separate relationships, both times I have been in situations where I feel I am not upholding my part of the friendship.

 

Situation A: A male friend of mine started seeking out younger women for friendship + while he was still living with his ex-wife. He seemed to want the best of both worlds and did not really care about how things looked to his friends + family, nor his ex-wife. As a friend, should I ignore his behavior and just accept him as a friend? Or should I ask him what the he!! he is doing and try to make him understand how this is affecting his family? If so, how do I do this without judging him?

 

Situation B: A female friend of mine confided to me that she has been seeing a married but separated man for a good amount of time. This man is still living with his wife "for the sake of the kids" and has no real plan on when he is actually going to divorce his wife. Again, should I just go along and accept this friend's relationship? Or would a real friend say something, such as explain to her what I think from a guy's point of view? Again, how do I go about this without judging her?

 

In both situations I feel I need to say something if I am truly a friend - is this right? If so, how do I go about it?

[Pocky]

Originally posted by chainsmoker

 

Situation A: A male friend of mine started seeking out younger women for friendship + while he was still living with his ex-wife. He seemed to want the best of both worlds and did not really care about how things looked to his friends + family, nor his ex-wife. As a friend, should I ignore his behavior and just accept him as a friend? Or should I ask him what the he!! he is doing and try to make him understand how this is affecting his family? If so, how do I do this without judging him?

 

Here's how I'd handled it:

 

Version A: Friend Asks Opinion - I'd give my honest opinion.

Version B: Friend Doesn't Ask Opinion/Wants To Spend Time While Behaving In Questionable Manner - I'd tell him it's his life and he's gotta do what he thinks is right, but I disagree with it and I won't be involved in it with you. You keep that **** separate so that I don't ever find myself in an uncomfortable position. I'm not here to judge you, but I disagree with your behavior so it's best to keep it away from me. You do that **** on your own time.

 

Originally posted by chainsmoker

Situation B: A female friend of mine confided to me that she has been seeing a married but separated man for a good amount of time. This man is still living with his wife "for the sake of the kids" and has no real plan on when he is actually going to divorce his wife. Again, should I just go along and accept this friend's relationship? Or would a real friend say something, such as explain to her what I think from a guy's point of view? Again, how do I go about this without judging her?

 

Version A: Friend Asks Opinion - I'd give my honest opinion.

Version B: Friend Doesn't Ask Opinion/Continues Behavior - I'd not question it nor provide advice that wasn't requested. If the friend brought up the topic I'd ask them if they were asking for my opinion. Once they said yes, I'd rever to Version A.

 

I'm a firm believer that friends should keep things honest and if you have a strong enough friendship there won't be any problem with someone feeling like they're being judged. If your opinion isn't asked and these people are adults then keep your opinion to yourself. Sometimes people don't want to hear **** from anyone, including their friends, regarding what they're doing.

[DayumQuitPlayin]

This is my thing,

I feel a true friends should always voice their opinion about something if you feel there's something to be said about it. But what you do..is know when to voice your concerns. I would really like for one of my friends to tell me if what I'm doing is wrong.. because maybe I need someone to tell me. Its all in how you handle it and how you carry yourself.

 

You said you don't want to judge anyone.. well in this Life.. people is always judging others. It says in the Bible to not judge.. but hey.. despite what it says.. people are always doing it.. in churches ..in the family ..everywhere you go. You're not necessarily passing judgment on them.. you're just letting them know that what they're doing don't sit well with you. Just come at them correct.. get into a conversation.. make sure you talk about things that would make them both laugh.. and then get serious.. let them know that you want to tell them something serious..and that you are not trying to insult them.. or make them feel bad about it. You ask if it is alright. Then if they say yes.. you tell them how you feel.

 

Whatever you do, hopefully it works out

[Lucia]

I think you shouldn't give any unwanted advice. If their behaviour bothers you, may be you shouldn't see them. But it's either you accept them with everything they do, or let them go. Religion says not to judge and it's true. Life will teach them sooner or later. We need to understand people and their motives, not to judge them.

[ThumbingMyWay]

You can love the person, but dislike thier actions.

 

 

BUT to answer the quesitons....if it bothers you....tell them how you FEEL....not what you think. Dont put it on them....make it come from YOU and your heart. Dont use statements like "you this" and "you that". Use the words I and ME.

 

A true friend always tells the truth....and in most cases, the truth hurts in situ's like these.

 

 

start out like this...

 

"Because I'm your friend, i'm going to tell you the truth of how I feel....I'm going to tell you things you dont wanna hear....but becasue I'm your friend.....you need to hear it from someone like me. If you choose to get upset and be angry at me, then thats fine,but I am not angry with you. I care for you and thats why I'm telling you how I feel. You are responsible for yourself. I will always be here no matter what, but I need to tell you how i feel about this situ"....