So happy together Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Do you truly think that's why OW/OM come here? If so and it irritates you so badly, why do you continue visiting this board? FTR, as I have said all along, I feel that MM and I are both equally culpable. I do not think he holds any more blame for our relationship than I do. Do you know what I find fascinating? FTY says OW are whiny... but if you asked the OW... who do you think that WE think are the whiners? The difference is, we are not on the BS's forum telling them that they are. See the difference? Probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I think the problem is that some are incapable of having a discussion without making it about them or their relationship, so even though people are discussing this general question, they start defending their own relationship, as though that is the benchmark or what people are really talking about. They see points that don't apply to them but get up in arms, as though anyone said it applied to them, so it's a slight of their own making and they feel attacked although people are not talking about them but an idea. If one can't have a discussion without making it about you or can't differentiate between a discussion of an idea vs. a person, then you will always be upset. Lmao! I know but I try not to mention it because I'd hate to hurt your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Do you truly think that's why OW/OM come here? If so and it irritates you so badly, why do you continue visiting this board? FTR, as I have said all along, I feel that MM and I are both equally culpable. I do not think he holds any more blame for our relationship than I do. I dont know, is there a rule against it? And does everyone have to agree on everything just so someone's feelings dont get wrankled? Are we doing participation trophies here as well?? Good for you... Like I said, all I was trying to give you a reason for what YOU complained about. If you dont like it dont retort..Simple..What do you really expect a BS to say/do?. Ive said it before, its like a drunk crashing the AA meeting... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I'll be completely honest, I'm not sure why BS come to this board. I would think it would set off triggers and just be hurtful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I haven't been here that long but certainly my impression isn't one of a bunch of people whining and complaining. From what I can see the majority do take responsibility for what they have got involved in. Most people come here from support, to discuss with people who might be able to empathise a bit more than close friends, who have not been in a similar situation, are unable to. There is advice here, and also a realisation that we are not all alone in our situation. I found this place, like many because I needed some support. Many people come here for support because they realise they are in a toxic relationship and need help to get out of it. For many it is a place to come when we are tempted to break NC. We are not asking for pity, or people to say nah it's fine! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, human beings are not robots. Emotions are one of the best and worst things of human beings. Ask anyone who has been in a toxic relationship if they ever imagined they could be in such a position before it happened and I bet the majority will say no. Most of us do take responsibility for what we have done or are doing. That is why we are in emotional turmoil. And that is why we are here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) I fully admit that I never was good at debate. :-p Especially when the subject hits close to home. Lots of people are this way. There are some topics I know I am not as able to discuss intellectually and dispassionately, and I avoid them sometimes as I believe it a waste if I know I am already sensitive about it and will respond in that manner more so than in a reasoned one. That's also the problem, affairs are a contentious And controversial topic which people have strong opinions about online and in real life...so unless one is on a closed OW only board, you're gonna have to have thick skin as anyone, from BS to random person browsing can say their piece about affairs and guaranteed it won't always be compassionate or in favor of. Edited August 20, 2013 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 You truly only know what your MM tells you. And of course he's going to tell you ANYTHING to keep you waiting and available for your skyping and texting time. You've never lived with this man, you live 1700 miles apart, he can tell you whatever. Truth is, you don't know him. . Skyping, when he is not here, is fun. And so are the phone calls, the texts, and the times that he is here, that's fun too. And fulfilling, and interesting, and full of love and balance. I know him. I find it interesting that you feel that you KNOW I don't know him. How do you know I don't know him? You may think you know, but you have never met me, you don't know, know. Ya know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 so happy, I didn't write that the OW/OM didn't Know their married person... are you Sure you got My comment right and not switched w/anothers? You needn't be Unhappy w/me or my comment save the truthful part at the bottom and that wasn't even a bash at AP's. So Happy, you know that if I mean something snarky, I'll Literally Write "I mean this snarky". It's okay though, I get the high emotion and passion behind your words. A's have that affect on most everyone involved or touched by them, especially when something is said we don't agree with or cannot believe others don't get what we're saying. ComeOn, how often is it that a BS actually CHANGES her entire opinion to agree with the OW/OM* Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 so happy, I didn't write that the OW/OM didn't Know their married person... are you Sure you got My comment right and not switched w/anothers? You needn't be Unhappy w/me or my comment save the truthful part at the bottom and that wasn't even a bash at AP's. So Happy, you know that if I mean something snarky, I'll Literally Write "I mean this snarky". It's okay though, I get the high emotion and passion behind your words. A's have that affect on most everyone involved or touched by them, especially when something is said we don't agree with or cannot believe others don't get what we're saying. ComeOn, how often is it that a BS actually CHANGES her entire opinion to agree with the OW/OM* I'm not unhappy with you. As stated, I'm not happy that you said this: even if it is unhealthy, twisted, based on betrayal, lies and deception and a relationship that is the most selfish and sadistic and malicious Real thing that any two people could ever participate in. That is unkind and unnecessarily so. That's all I said that I can think of. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I'll be completely honest, I'm not sure why BS come to this board. I would think it would set off triggers and just be hurtful. In the beginning it did hurt. I stayed away from all OW boards. Then I wanted to know their side. Why they would be involved in it. What I learned was empathy for the other woman. They are human and most times it was never done to cause harm or pain to the BS. I have learned a lot from the OW board. They hurt as much as a BS does. Something I would never have thought without hearing it from some many. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 even if it is unhealthy, twisted, based on betrayal, lies and deception and a relationship that is the most selfish and sadistic and malicious Real thing that any two people could ever participate in. I would think murder, torture, rape, child abuse...etc., etc. would be more sadistic and malicious, but I guess it depends on who you ask. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I'm not unhappy with you. As stated, I'm not happy that you said this: even if it is unhealthy, twisted, based on betrayal, lies and deception and a relationship that is the most selfish and sadistic and malicious Real thing that any two people could ever participate in. That is unkind and unnecessarily so. That's all I said that I can think of. A relationship described as above could also be a marriage where one person is abusing the other, physically or emotionally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would think murder, torture, rape, child abuse...etc., etc. would be more sadistic and malicious, but I guess it depends on who you ask. So the logic is....other people hurt other people too...so what I am doing is okay? Absolutely not. I have never, ever said to ANYONE that what I was doing was okay. ComingInHot, I'm not trying to minimize at all the pain that BS's go through. AT ALL. My point was that I feel like there ARE things worse than an affair. Yes, it's a bad thing, for sure and yes, it hurts people. I do not think it's the most sadistic and malicious thing that two people could participate in, though. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 sohappy, but if your A relationship is Real, you'd know what I wrote to be true* It may not be for your A. That would be great if there was not destruction left in the wake of your A. But from your story it seems there IS some if not all that wrote. I'm truly sorry if it felt mean. It was only written in My overall evaluation of the impact A's have. Not just on BS's as a group but AP's and WS's as well... peace happy. It's all good* Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would think murder, torture, rape, child abuse...etc., etc. would be more sadistic and malicious, but I guess it depends on who you ask. A relationship described as above could also be a marriage where one person is abusing the other, physically or emotionally. So the logic is....other people hurt other people too...so what I am doing is okay? Not at all! But the description was given as that of an affair. I was only stating that the description can describe that of other relationships too. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Nevertheless, a clever wife should never fart or poop when the H is around Ditto for a clever husband. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Since when do we gauge our behavior on the worst rather than the best-yuck! I think you might have missed a post somewhere in there if that's what you took away from those posts. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 bentley, thank you.* I understand where you're coming from, & I respect that. I disagree, but Respect it. I appreciate your honest sincerity ((smiles)) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would think murder, torture, rape, child abuse...etc., etc. would be more sadistic and malicious, but I guess it depends on who you ask. A relationship described as above could also be a marriage where one person is abusing the other, physically or emotionally. Since when do we gauge our behavior on the worst rather than the best-yuck! You misunderstand. The original poster gave a description of an affair. That description could apply to other relationships. I am not that stupid or naive to gauge my behaviour on the worst. Please... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I guess the disconnect is lost on me. If you acknowledge your behaviour is abuse to another, then continue the behaviour....have you truly acknowledged? A healthy person would be mortified that they sunk so low. They would do everything to regain their self respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 As someone who has been both physically (to the point that he put a crack/dent in the wall WITH my body when I tried to leave) and emotionally abused (in front of my children, no less), I would not even describe my exH as sadistic. Horrible, abusive, anger issues and wrong, yes. But not sadistic. Like I said, everyone has their own gauge of how bad certain things are. I used to be very black and white about a lot of things. I still some. Some say it's one of my cons, some say it's one of my pros. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 As someone who has been both physically (to the point that he put a crack/dent in the wall WITH my body when I tried to leave) and emotionally abused (in front of my children, no less), I would not even describe my exH as sadistic. Horrible, abusive, anger issues and wrong, yes. But not sadistic. Like I said, everyone has their own gauge of how bad certain things are. I used to be very black and white about a lot of things. I still some. Some say it's one of my cons, some say it's one of my pros. Good Lord so sorry to hear you had to go through this... Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Nope, I totally understood and my reasoning still stands-the rationalization is too much-we should gauge who we are and what we do on what is best, not worst or even not as bad as....its a little ill in my book- I was not rationalizing in the least. Never have, never will. I don't think the other posters were, either, but they can speak for themselves. I was simply disagreeing that it was pretty much the absolute worst thing in the world that a person could do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I believe Ladydesigner is a Madhatter. And because I am always late for important dates...I am the White Rabbit But truly. What does this term mean? In a loveshack and not Alice in Wonderland sense...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Good Lord so sorry to hear you had to go through this... Thank you. I'm stronger now than I ever was. He's improved remarkably since I left, when he realized that he could potentially lose his entire family and is actually becoming an okay dad. He doesn't dare lay a hand on the kids and, quite honestly, my dad, MM or I would literally beat the #*!@ out of him if he did. Our relationship has improved, too as co-parents. I wish it could have happened like this when we were together, but that shipped sailed long ago, as did the love. (Yes, I'm one of those that stayed in a loveless marriage for years. They exist. I stayed b/c I was scared for my life, but mainly b/c I was scared of what he might do to the kids to punish me if he got any custody of them. Link to post Share on other sites
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