opinions on no contact

[lostNconfusedx10]

everyone says no contact is the best thing sometimes cause it "clears the air". Why is it so recommended and usually the best way to go?

 

Also, when is no contact NOT advisable. What kinds of conditions would it be beneficial to keep contact with your ex?

 

And one more, why would an ex get mad if you tried to cut contact? especially if they are seeing someone else? does that mean they are trying to hold on to you just in case the new fling doesnt work out??

[hurtingandconfused]

Why is it so recommended and usually the best way to go?

 

No contact helps you let go.

 

It also allows you to think clearly and analyze what happened.

 

What kinds of conditions would it be beneficial to keep contact with your ex?

Under no conditions, that is why it is called no contact.

 

why would an ex get mad if you tried to cut contact?

Only the dumper knows why. However, it can be to string along, or because of guilt or even because you were a good friend.

[UCFKevin]

I've said this time and time again and I'll say it many more times:

 

F*CK NO CONTACT.

 

Do what you feel is right. If you want to contact the person, do it. Don't let "The rules" dictate what you should do because if it's something you DONT want to do, it ain't gonna make you feel better. It'll make you feel worse.

[Layzie1207]

i know that in my situation i took advantage of having contact to the point where i became obsessive and contacted too much, which led to having no contact just so i could get control of myself and where i didnt push my ex any farther away.

[holler21]

UCFKevin EXACTLY! do what feels right, and it depends on the break up tho! just dont get too obsessive, like calling all the time, i text the ex at least once every 2days, and thats okay

 

i once believed no contact would make them rethink what they did and come back to u....last year i didnt contact my other ex for a whole 2 weeks! bloody hard to do but i did it, and then 2 weeks later he ended the friendship! saying that since he aint spoken to me he hasnt missd me or thought bout me at all, further saying it goes to show its for the best...that was heartbreaking, NC can either go 2ways, and i found out it usually makes the dumpee upset, paranoid, and fearful....and things u want to do in life u cant! so if it makes u happy contacting ur ex, and they are okay with it, then just do it! im waiting for my ex 2 text me as he never did last nite, he should initiate them too! and he has done a few times, ive got a feeling he will 2nite! and if he doesnt, it wont hurt me texting him to say "hi", its comforting!

[UmOrange]

It's my frist time doing this.. But Hey let's see if it'll help

I've been going out with my bf? ex? for 5 years.

A month ago he told me he needed a break.

What's a break?

I begged, I demanded, I cried.

I got this book called "How To Get Your Lover Back"

I'm trying to apply its techniques into our relationship.

I want him back.

Any suggestions?

[lostNconfusedx10]

I just got that book too....im only up to section 3 on it and the first 2 sections where pretty much bland and almost common sense if you've been in a relationship gone bad before. At least it just pointed out the things i did in the past were mistakes. But a few very good tips i have picked up from most sources is that if you are in contact, always seem happy!! never seem down or depressed, the ex doesnt like that. Even if the ex was in a bad mood i was able to cheer her up.Also, be mysterious, dont tell them what you have been doing or thinking or future plans unless they ask. They used to know your every move and thought but now you can remain a mystery to them just like when they first met you. Thats a reason the grew close to you was to discover that mystery. it gives them a small sense of challenge

[Layzie1207]

my ex said during our breakup that she wants me to be happy again. im still confused as to why they want us to be happy, dont they understand that we are unhappy because they left us and its really hard to be happy again until they are back. seems a little unfair for the people that are dumped.

[immoralist]

I've said this time and time again and I'll say it many more times:

 

F*CK NO CONTACT.

 

Do what you feel is right. If you want to contact the person, do it. Don't let "The rules" dictate what you should do because if it's something you DONT want to do, it ain't gonna make you feel better. It'll make you feel worse.

 

 

 

kev, I've come around to your position. There's something horribly strained, unnatural and, at times, retaliatory about NC in certain relationships.

 

The NC rule should be followed only when the person is emotionally ready, not still longing and not filled with hostility and resentment. Otherwise, NC is honored more in the breach than in the observance, or it becomes a weapon in the jilted lover's arsenal. And a weak weapon at that.

 

NC is a "face saver" for the broken hearted.

[Gottabestrong]

I dont know if I should do NC or not. My ex, who broke up with me over a month ago says he does not love me anymore, but he keeps on contacting me.

 

I dont reply for a few days, but then he gets upset and so I reply. He is happy to hear from me and tells me so, but when I write him again, suddenly he becomes distant.

 

I have been doing NC for a short time around 3 times in the last month and I still dont know how to handle it. Seems like my ex is only interested in me when he does not hear from me.

 

I want to hear from him, so it seems like the best thing for me to hear from him is not to contact him. This is so stupid. I hate playing games, but I want him back and dont want him to feel pressured.

 

So to speak, I would say I am doing NC for my ex's sake, because he seems to prefer if I dont contact him.

[darhma]

Are you dating yet?

[Gottabestrong]

Are you talking to me? No I am not dating anyone. Just want him back and he knows it.

[darhma]

I found that focusing on myself made me get the attitude I needed for him to want me back. Lose a few #'s go buy some new clothes and date. I know the last thing on your mind is dating but force yourself to do it. Act happy when you talk to him and keep it short. When someone really feels like they may be losing someone then they figure out how much they don't want to lose you.

 

This strategy has worked many times in my past.

[Gottabestrong]

I am trying to focus on myself. Since we broke up I made sure that I am busy every weekend, doing lots of extra hours at work and focus on university.

 

When he contacts me, I usually dont reply. Only after a couple of days and messages I send him a short, casual reply.

 

But as soon as he sees that I am answering him, he does not seem interested anymore. I dont know what to do.

 

I posted my story here on this board. Would be nice if you could read it and tell me what you think.

[darhma]

I read your story. It is interesting that my ex and I broke up supposedly because I did not want to have kids. You broke up because you wanted a family.

 

He knows he can just call you and you will be there. I swear men feel your desperation. When I started dating again it made me get cocky. There are a boat load of men out in the world and he should feel lucky to have you.

 

If you start dating and he feels like you might be really losing you he will get more than a bit uneasy if he really cares for you. I would not answer his calls for the next few weeks and start dating. Go on the internet and post your profile. It will boost your confidence just to have all these men interested in meeting you. Then in a few weeks take one of his calls and act real casual. When he asks what you have been doing be vague.

 

I really don't think it is the family thing that is the problem. I think he is just not sure he wants you. If a man really wants you they will do anything to have you. Make him really miss you. Make him feel lonely.

[Naive]

Originally posted by lostNconfusedx10

everyone says no contact is the best thing sometimes cause it "clears the air". Why is it so recommended and usually the best way to go?

 

Also, when is no contact NOT advisable. What kinds of conditions would it be beneficial to keep contact with your ex?

 

And one more, why would an ex get mad if you tried to cut contact? especially if they are seeing someone else? does that mean they are trying to hold on to you just in case the new fling doesnt work out??

 

I am a firm believer in doing what you want. Sometimes it helps you heal to talk to them. Do what you want, if anything, it will always make you stronger regardless of what the circumstance is.

 

Why sacrafice yourself with the rules of no contact. They are not good for everyone. If it's not meant for you to talk to that person eventually you will not want to talk to them, but you will not have to force yourself into not talking to someone you obviously want to talk to.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Darhma,

 

thanks for your kind words. And extra thanks for reading my long story.

 

I am glad you think that it was not the family thing that made him break up, because I would hate that the fact I wanted a family made him leave.

 

If he does not know if he wants me or not, than at least it is his problem, not mine. If you know what I mean.

 

I am leaving now to drop off stuff at his place. Am really nervous because I have not seen him in 3 weeks.

 

I am going to try and act casual. Will not bring up our relationship, but if he asks I will say that I love him (cant deny that as I just told him so yesterday) but that my life will go on no matter if he is in it or not.

 

From then on I will try and ignore his messages for a few weeks. Even if he gets mad and asks why I am not talking to him. I guess that is the best thing for me to do.

 

Thanks a lot for your advice. Feel better now.

[gersanos]

Guess I had a question about handling things after a break-up. I guess it really boils down to me bring confused with myself though. Me & her break up 2 months ago. Things were just rough for a couple of weeks:fighting, talk about breaking up, i suggest taking a break (honest break, and said I dont want to break up), and she then ends it after 2 days but wants to be friends, I reject, and our break-up is just another huge fight, stay out of my life, anger, spiteful comments. Since then no contact, except one phone call by me, which turned into her being very, very angry(i wanted some closure/feel the situation). We both were hurt obviously.Lots of miscummincation if you ask me. I dont know what happened.

 

We go to school together, and have bumped into one another quite a bit last week. LOTS of sexual tension. She said hi, was smiling, etc, i just smiled back and said that this is weird, and she reacted with nervous laugh and mumbled something. Another encounter after that led to us not saying a word to each other, but trying to play all cool, but our eyes were all darting back and forth and she was fighting to repress a smile. That evening she leaves a away message saying something about boys. Pretty much shes hurt is what the away message implied. It didnt mention my name, but it stemmed from me: either directed at me, or men in general b/c of me.

 

I guess I dont know what to do. I was really hurt when things ended. I know she was as well. I miss her like crazy. I dont know why things ended, but it ultimately was her decision. I dont know i guess how to act when i see her. I want to one day get back with her, and I know it takes time by communcating and being a friend, but i dont know if she wants to maybe get back or just remain friends. Guess its just fear and me protecting myself from throwing myself out there. Any comments on how to proceed? Many friends tell me to just speak with her, but my dumb mind comes up with these principles that b/c she ended it she would call if she wanted to and she hasnt.

[Sukotto]

Well from her perscpective, if she ended it then she may think your not interested in a second chance and doesn't want to take the risk of opening old wounds etc. I suggest that you try hanging out and get a bit more friendly but not as a couple. If you show that you want to be friends with her then it leaves the door open for other things and well if she doesn't then you've got yourself a new friend

 

Try something casual like going out for coffee, cinema or some other activity you both enjoy doing. Try to avoid going somewhere private as that can lead to awkwardness. Since your both at school you've got an effortless supply of conversation, i'm sure she's most likely doing an unbelievable boring class that she can talk for years about.

 

My ex is studying for an English / History degree and she can talk for *ages* about that and it shows that I'm a good listener which was a problem in our relationship. I even had to read a few history books so I could at least have a conversation about the subject rather than just nodding.