tinker683 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Hey all, I've got a date this Saturday (yay me!) but something occured to me that I'd like to bounce off all of you.... Do you think it's a good idea to disclose the fact that your ex was a MM/MW/Seeing someone else at the time you were seeing them to your new SO? I have no idea how serious her and I are going to get but I really like her and I do want to put my best foot forward and make this work and I feel like by hiding this I would be lying to her in someway.... Your own thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Hey all, I've got a date this Saturday (yay me!) but something occured to me that I'd like to bounce off all of you.... Do you think it's a good idea to disclose the fact that your ex was a MM/MW/Seeing someone else at the time you were seeing them to your new SO? I have no idea how serious her and I are going to get but I really like her and I do want to put my best foot forward and make this work and I feel like by hiding this I would be lying to her in someway.... Your own thoughts? Good luck on your date! I actually have a first date with someone on Thursday night, so I have the same thoughts somewhat. I'm not sure that I feel the need to even mention that I was with a mm. I was in a relationship that did.not work out. Period. We're all adults and have past relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I don't see the need to bring it up. 1. You may be starting a new R if it goes well and 2. Why give him reason do doubt your character? Perhaps you made a mistake, but are moving on. And, we all have a past. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 You do not need to say anything. He will judge you. You are on the right path now he does not need to know about this relationship as technically he was not your ex or your boyfriend. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I told the man I dated after my affair ended. It didn't make sense to me to have a legitimate relationship, with a single man, then start it with lies. At the appropriate time, we discussed it. Glad I did. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I wouldn't discuss any prior relationship on the first date and definitely wouldn't disclose that information. Maybe at a later time if it felt right. I really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 How is it starting with lies? Unless he asks have you ever been in an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I wouldn't bring it up on a first date, but would bring it up before it starts getting serious. Maybe a 3rd or 4th date conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Why would you bring it up at all? It's just dwelling on it. Move on discard it. It does not count as a real relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Why would you bring it up at all? It's just dwelling on it. Move on discard it. It does not count as a real relationship. Because the prospective partner may well feel like this was pertinent information that was witheld from them...and if they've been betrayed in the past, they may well feel that witholding this information was a violation of the newfound trust. Personally, I wouldn't mention it until things start to move to a point where you're dating more than just casually, but before things become emotionally tangled to a point where the other person might feel like they've been misled by the holding back of this information. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I wouldn't bring it up on a first date, but would bring it up before it starts getting serious. Maybe a 3rd or 4th date conversation. Agree. There comes a time in dating when you both share the bare bones of your romantic past. At least, the most important people or relationships. That's when I shared that info. It mattered to me that I was open and honest and I'm so glad I was. Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Sorry but people do not share everything in their romantic past - it's the past. Your relationship honesty loyalty start from the day you start dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Unless he asks you questions Then I'd always answer honestly. Anyway good luck, whatever you decide Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Sorry but people do not share everything in their romantic past - it's the past. Your relationship honesty loyalty start from the day you start dating. As long as the partner in the new relationship agrees with this viewpoint, that's fine. But not everyone feels the same way on this (as evidenced in this thread). I'd guess I'd add the need to answer this question as part of that "discovery phase" to determine what information about the past should be shared or not. From my perspective, I'd want to know if the woman I was dating and considering a long term relationship had ever been involved in an affair one way or another. It's part of what would help me to determine whether or not we were morally compatible, for example. Her informing me of this, and how she feels about those actions would tell me a lot about her moral compass and values...which would be important to know as part of my choice to continue a relationship with her. By the same token...do you think that knowing someone you were involved with had been a serial cheater was relevent? Or a repeat offender criminal record? History of drug abuse, or chronic mental illness? The past does affect the present and the future. Knowing about their past can help you understand who they are today, and what the may do tomorrow. Which makes the OP's question a good one, IMHO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Why would you bring it up at all? It's just dwelling on it. Move on discard it. It does not count as a real relationship. Because you'll always wonder if/when it will come up, and if/when it does, what your partner's reaction will be. Better to just get it out there before things get serious. So much easier than holding onto a secret. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Why would you bring it up at all? It's just dwelling on it. Move on discard it. It does not count as a real relationship. It doesn't count to you, so therefore you don't mention it. I don't mention anyone who meant little/nothing. I didn't sit him down and start at secondary school with who I kissed at the disco and worked up to a blind date I went on the previous week. I mention those which were important and had the biggest impact. I think if you're looking to get serious with someone it's only natural they'd be aware of who was important to you in your life. It helps shape who you are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 NM. So not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I wouldn't disclose anything. The past is the past. You made a mistake and exercised poor judgement but forget about it and move on. I don't say anything to anyone about my past with a married women, even though it was mostly physical and not so much about me waiting in vain for her love. I know this girl who was in a perfect relationship and everything was headed in the right direction. But one day she disclosed something about her past that she thought she could share....big mistake! It was the beginning of the end of their relationship. I actually dated this girl for many years but never demanded that she tell me what her secret was that killed her previous relationship. Unless it's something criminal in nature, don't bother trying to get the dirt. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I wouldn't disclose anything. The past is the past. You made a mistake and exercised poor judgement but forget about it and move on. I don't say anything to anyone about my past with a married women, even though it was mostly physical and not so much about me waiting in vain for her love. I know this girl who was in a perfect relationship and everything was headed in the right direction. But one day she disclosed something about her past that she thought she could share....big mistake! It was the beginning of the end of their relationship. I actually dated this girl for many years but never demanded that she tell me what her secret was that killed her previous relationship. Unless it's something criminal in nature, don't bother trying to get the dirt. If someone felt like they couldn't be with me because of something in the past, yes, it would hurt. But I'd rather that than have them be with me because I'm not being honest. The truth tends to come out, even if it takes ages, so best deal with it properly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 If someone felt like they couldn't be with me because of something in the past, yes, it would hurt. But I'd rather that than have them be with me because I'm not being honest. The truth tends to come out, even if it takes ages, so best deal with it properly. True, but only significant things will eventually reveal themselves (kids, divorce, being the star attraction on a voyeur-cam website, etc). You shouldn't have to disclose an affair or that you slept with your best friend's wife, or embellished mileage expenses on your tax return to your new SO. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 True, but only significant things will eventually reveal themselves (kids, divorce, being the star attraction on a voyeur-cam website, etc). You shouldn't have to disclose an affair or that you slept with your best friend's wife, or embellished mileage expenses on your tax return to your new SO. If you consider it a real relationship (which it seems most of us do), it should be something that you disclose. Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 There's no right or wrong answer here. its subjective. Yes I considered it real and important to me but by the time I care for someone else enough to open up and have a full honest loving relationship I won't care about the affair it will mean nothing, I will be indifferent. Talking about your affair in detail is not good nor is talking about any ex really especially in the dating stage. It usually demonstrates you are not over them , and lets face it the affair was probably messy and a long story so do you think this is something the new guy will deem as interest in him ? Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I wouldn't disclose anything. The past is the past. You made a mistake and exercised poor judgement but forget about it and move on. I don't say anything to anyone about my past with a married women, even though it was mostly physical and not so much about me waiting in vain for her love. I know this girl who was in a perfect relationship and everything was headed in the right direction. But one day she disclosed something about her past that she thought she could share....big mistake! It was the beginning of the end of their relationship. I actually dated this girl for many years but never demanded that she tell me what her secret was that killed her previous relationship. Unless it's something criminal in nature, don't bother trying to get the dirt. Something that could be destroyed with the truth, should be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 How is it starting with lies? Unless he asks have you ever been in an affair? I didn't disclose this on the first date. At some point, most people have discussions about why their marriages failed, what they learned, what they are looking for, etc. For example, if a man told me his wife was an evil shrew and he was an angel, I'd question what I'm getting involved in, how mature is he, and do I want to bother moving forward. So, when he asked if I had any relationships since my marriage ended and why it ended, I told the truth. Again, accountability speaks to character. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Hey all, I've got a date this Saturday (yay me!) but something occured to me that I'd like to bounce off all of you.... Do you think it's a good idea to disclose the fact that your ex was a MM/MW/Seeing someone else at the time you were seeing them to your new SO? I have no idea how serious her and I are going to get but I really like her and I do want to put my best foot forward and make this work and I feel like by hiding this I would be lying to her in someway.... Your own thoughts? sounds a little awkward for a first date,i feel a first date should eb abotu getting to know one another not exes, that is my opinion though , one thing i do beleive in is full disclosure , but not on a first date you hit them with your life of love and loss until they pass out ........i think honestly if the subject comes up you answer honestly,and dotn make it lengthy, but if it isnt asked about on that first date, you leave it for the mean time....... until you get to know the person sitting in front of you who wants to know about you not your ex or people you have dated to me, it seems a little rude to talk about exes on first dates but thats me......i would rather get to know the guy who sits opposite me not his ex or my ex and how they were dicks ...its a bit negative a start in my opinion..........deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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