Newly married with mixed emotions

[krista14]

This problem is a transitioning and marital issue I cannot seem to move past, so forgive me if it is long-winded. I am coming up on my one year anniversary with my husband, but feel as miserable as I did the day I married him. I am very confused as to where I went wrong and why.

About 4 years ago,I met and fell in love with my ex. I was a young single mother at the time (just out of college), living on my own with my son. My ex and I had a magical relationship and I felt sure we would marry. We were close with each others families and my son adored him. During our courtship, most of my friends and his friends got married, including my younger sister. We were always at a wedding or engagement party. In my head,I thought I would be next. Well, after a year and a half we went to a party one day and my friends guy proposed to her in front of everyone. My ex asked me if I was jealous and I couldn't believe my ears! I was, but if he knew I felt that way why hadn't he proposed? One thing I did not want was to be in another relationship that ended with me pregnant again and single or just being strung along. I started to become anxious and impatient. We started looking at places to live together but still no proposal. One day I snapped and broke up with him. I was so frustrated and annoyed...he was 8 years older and I felt he should have been ready to marry me, not take things slow.

He did not want to end things, but I started dating other people. My ex still called me and proclaimed to love me, but he wanted us to wait a while because had his own timeframe for marriage. I continued to date and my new boyfriend proposed to me after six months and I said yes. I had to cut off my ex even though I still missed him.

I moved out of the city with my son to be with my new husband. And his behavior changed. He became irritable, emotional, and jealous. He is very good at providing and caring for us. But if I try to have fun on my own with Co-workers or try to make new friends, he accuses me of cheating and flirting. He wants me with him at all times. He has yelled at me in front of my son and goes through my phone all the time. Now I just miss my old life and my ex. The ex married another girl after only dating her 7 months, like I did with my husband. When I heard about their wedding I was devastated and started crying uncontrollably. I wasn't aware I still cared that deeply..I really kind of spazzed. Now I am heavily depressed. I don't know how to move on from my mistakes and work things out with my husband. I don't want to be stuck in the past, missing my ex. But I also want to be realistic about my new marriage and not give up on my husband, even though his behavior is appalling at times.

Advice?

[SoleMate]

This jumped out at me:

 

I am coming up on my one year anniversary with my husband, but feel as miserable as I did the day I married him.

 

Marriage doesn't relieve misery. I wonder if you might have an issue with depression. I'd also point out that based on the quoted statement above, marriage hasn't made anything worse. I wonder if you might have been hoping that marriage would be a magic fix. That meme of wedded bliss is floating around our culture despite all evidence to the contrary. In fact, research shows that after a small average blip of increased happiness for about 2 years after marrying, people settle back into their baseline state of contentment (or discontent). That is NORMAL and does not indicate a fundamental problem in the marriage.

 

I think you have a lot of learning to do about r/s, so I recommend:

 

Marriage Builders, website by Willard Harley

The Feeling Good Handbook, by Aaron Beck

 

and just as an "in case", I'll throw in:

 

The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

 

Good luck!

[TigerCub]

Sole Mate has such wise and thoughtful advice.

 

I, personally think it is clear that you got married for the sake of being married.

You didn't take the time to get to know the man that is now your husband.

 

You still loved your ex, but were willing to marry any guy that would propose to you and I dunno why, you assumed that would solve all your problems and make you happy.

 

I just don't get women like you, but unfortunately, there are so many like that.

 

Now you have 2 choices:

#1 - talk to your husband and get him to go to counseling with you - really work on rebuilding the relationship

 

or

#2 - get a divorce if you really don't love him and concentrate on raising your child, take some time out and then, eventually get back in the game and try to find someone that's actually suitable, and get to KNOW them very well before worrying about getting married once again.

 

Good luck to you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Congratulations, you've bot married a rebound relationship!

 

You win free unhappiness and regret that things would have been perfect...or you feel that way and he moves onto another girl.

 

The new girl your ex married was either truly what he was looking for or just a rebound but I don't think you're apart of that future either way..else he would have married you or engaged way back when.

 

Now you're in a pickle, get some counseling or move on with your life and leave this guy, you're clearly not emotionally in the right place...but hey, some people think that's fine and work through it...but don't cling onto this ex, worse option.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If you have never loved your husband and were miserable the day you married him, then there is nothing to work at.

 

If only women realized that getting married is not some magical cure to everything. Sigh

[ScreamingTrees]

If you have never loved your husband and were miserable the day you married him, then there is nothing to work at.

 

If only women realized that getting married is not some magical cure to everything. Sigh

 

I'd read differently. I think her marrying the guy prior to her moving in wasn't an issue, until she actually moved in and he started acting like an *******.

 

I think by "since the day I married him", she meant the day she moved in.. I'm assuming there's a reason why she chose to marry the guy prior to that, unless she's insane or sort of a selfish thoughtless ass herself.

 

I don't think she was necessarily depressed before that, or if she was, it was due to the ex not committing but then committing for some other girl very quickly.. Maybe she did think that this relationship would be different and would be a source of positivity and personal support.. Guess not.