I dont understand

[smile]

My exbf and I chatted again yesterday. He called me and we talked for a bit and when I had to go he said I could call him back later. So I get on the compt a few hours later and here he is. So we chat for a bit. Seriously everything starts to go well and then the sex stuff starts.

 

He has been having very sexual discussions with me lately and it just seemed fun and flirty. We had phone sex twice and I thought it was kinda fun. After the phone sex ended both times we stayed on the phone and had crazy honest talks for hours. Seems promising yeah?

 

Well last night he kept trying to come over.. but I had friends here. He kept saying, I wish you were alone then we could do this and that. Remember I NEVER bring up the sex thing... he always does. He also always says how he doesnt know how to stop wanting me or wanting to be with me.

 

I posted on a msg board how happy i was lately, because I am. I said my personal life will remain personal. And he read it , about 5 mins after I posted it mind you, and asked why I was so happy. So I said therapy and friends and my family and everything. I said I can see what a healthy relationship is now and I know I am deserving and capable. He said he was proud and was really prying to see if there was someone else.

 

I said I was happy with our friendship and how we were being honest without animosity or fear. He said he too was happy with the way things were going between us. All around. So being a girl this made me happy.

 

Back to the inviting himself over... he said I have bad ideas and we shouldnt act on them. But maybe we should. Then he says he likes to talk but he cant do anything. That hurt because a girl right then knows why.

 

He is still with her. So I got mad and just left. First I told him that if he cant then he shouldnt even play and I was not going to be THAT girl. Then I left.

 

He called later and asked what was wrong. So I told him that I didnt want to be the girl he had on the side that I was always afraid he had when we were together(I had major trust issues). He said it wasnt like that and that he was confused. The girl he started this relationship moved away two weeks into it. Now he isnt sure what is going on.

 

He wanted to talk to me about it but he said it felt weird. He doenst know how he feels or if it is even important to him. He doesnt understand anything. He doesnt know what he wants.

 

So I try and be supportive and ask him what he is afraid of. Her exbf lives there with her and he is around her all the time. My exbf says he isnt sure if it is serious or just fun between him and this new girl. I told him that she didnt deserve to be treated this way and he cant mess around.. even on the comp esp the phone... with me instead of her. He said he knew that .

 

When I said what hurt the most was that I felt so disrespected in this situation he started to cry. He said he never meant it that way... he just isnt sure about anything right now. He cant control wanting to be with me and around me. He isnt sure what to do.

 

So I give him friend advice and I tell him that he needs to make a decision . If he isnt sure what she wants he needs to tell her how he feels. I also said its unfair that he is being more honest with me than with her. He was shocked at how much of a friend I could be.. caring about HIS feelings ... DUH

 

I dunno he then said that it was so weird to talk to me about it. How he still isnt sure how he feels about anything. . He isnt sure if it (his new relationship)nmeans something or not. He isnt sure why he wants me. Everytime I was being supportive on the side of him working on it he would say.. I just dont know how I feel about anything. You and her and I am so unsure

 

He said that he didnt mean for this to happen. He just met her and things got out of hand. He wasnt looking for anyone she was just there. Then her leaving accelerated everything. He said he never knew how to bring it all up to me. I cant understand that. He said we were friends and he was so honest about everything else... why not this? Isnt this a big one?He told me when he met her and that they were together.... so why is the rest so hard to say?

 

You know our phone conversations are about everything. The sex stuff comes when he brings it up.. never me. We are real friends not just sex stuff... but this is too weird. He was honest but I still have no idea what he is thinking.

 

So do I just hang around and continue to be his friend? It doesnt hurt as bad as I thought it would. But there is that hemming and hawing about not sure what he wants. Maybe he cant be my friend.

 

I just dont know what to think. He isnt any help either. Does anyone have anything to say? He keeps saying.. I am so confused. I just dont know what to do or what I want. Do I even really care about her? Then after we have this open talk about how he needs to concentrate on this LDR and less on me , he says oh I will call you before I leave again tomorrow...umm why? I just dont get it .

[zara]

i think you need to be the one to let this relationship go.

 

It seems to me that your ex is using you as an emotional crutch, which we often do with ex partners because they know us so well, they know how to comfort us and that familiarity is what we crave in times of uncertainty, as moving on is.

 

This new relationship of his may not work out and that is what he is afraid of, that is why he is clinging to you as an emotional buoy in an uncertain sea. Don't allow yourself to be used in this way, it's not good for either of you. It seems as though you have made a better progression from your break up than he has, in order to help him do the same you need to stop allowing him so much access to you. That will prove that you have moved on and he needs to do the same.

[smile]

Thanks. I kinda thought that was what I was supposed to do. But half of me wanted to use this opportunity to "claim whats mine" hah ha ha. Except that I am not that kind of person , I can't let this challenenge change who I am.

 

I am just so hurt you know? Here is a guy who was so incredibly loyal to me for three years ... and after 2 months with this girl he is having phone sex with me and asking for pictures of me.. asking if he can come over. I am sorry but I still think phone sex..esp with yr ex.. is cheating.

 

And I am mad that I am getting the friend part and the sex part of the relationship he is in and she gets the commitment. Why should I be doing the work to fix THEM... when all I ever wanted was a chance, after going through therapy and seperation, to fix US?

 

He has been saying he has this new thing to be honest with everyone. I think it hides the fact that he is too afraid to be honest with himself. Like oh man maybe he did make a mistake and they snowballed into a bunch more.... its ok to be wrong sometimes. It only turns into tragedy if you cant admit it. Because it is only when you admit failure that you can truly learn from it.

 

He needs help... and I can't help him. And that breaks my heart:(

[zara]

I know that it is difficult but i think for your sake as well as his no contact is advisable. I know that you hold on to that hope that you can work things out between you but the truth is that you both need the opportunity to move on and whilst you two have so much contact that is not going to happen.

 

I have been there in your position and the only way to resolve it is to have no contact and then you will truly have the chance to move on and reflect clearly on your relationship. I was full of burning curiosity and jealousy that he was going to have a relationship with someone else and whenever we would talk that was always there, unspoken in the background. I moved away and stopped answering his calls and when i needed support i made sure my friends were the first people i called instead. I found a new relationship and i don't know what became of him and now, i no longer care. That is the healing process and no one said it was easy but you can do it.

[smile]

thats the thing. i have tried the whole nc thing a few times. this last time it was 1.5 months and it was working and i was happy. He always contacts me for one reason or the other this last time he called one day because he couldnt cancel our gym membership. we havent seen eachother but we did start talking. it was just honesty and stuff. i wish i coulda told you this or that you know? like we cleared the air.

 

I just figured that once we started this cybersex and the phone sex that he was honest with me. he lied by omission. even now he isnt completely honest and i can tell. he keeps saying how complicated this is. its so complicated and i dont understand.

 

so i dont understand thats cool. but i dont think i have to. i am writing him a letter telling him how i feel. dont worry its not bad... its just he kept hinting around about wanting to be with me.. everyone said that i had to say how i feel... but now this thing is too much. he needs to know that he is disrespecting both of us right now.. he needs to think about how crushed he would be if she did this to him ... with her exbf...

 

i love him but i am so pissed that he is using me .. if its for a reason to end the relationship or a reason not to try too hard or whatever. that makes me the bad guy when i have never had any desire to come between him and an other girl. when it was just us and no significant other then fine .. but this changes everything

 

i cant tell what he wants.. i dont think he knows. i just dont get it .. if he is the one who broke up with me .. then why cant he let me go? he even says he isnt over me... then what the hell is going on you know?

 

i try to stay away .. you know disoconnected and he keeps comming after me. calling me.. emailing me.. txting me.. even after i told him twice that i needed space. First he says he understands and he wont push, then he says he is so lost when we arent talking... but he is lost now and i think me being around is making matters worse.. he cant decide so i take myself out of the equation right?

 

I just hate that I had gotten to a happy place you know? where i felt ok with me.. and now i feel heartbroken all over again. Why does he want to hurt me so much ? If I do mean as much as he says then how come he keeps hurting me?

[zara]

You mean so much becasue he is using you as an emotional crutch and it's just not fair to do that to you.

 

You have to be hard about this for both your sakes. Don't answer the calls, texts or emails. Just totally cut yourself off. He can't use you to support ihm anymore, that's not what you are there for. When you split up with someone it is so difficult to stop all of those little intimacies. But part of the end of a relationship means bringing those things to an end. It means having serious time apart and if you thingk you can be firends after then that friendship becomes just like one with any random person, you ask where they are going on holiday, how work is going and their family is. Period.

 

The present situation is only making things more confusing for the both of you irrespective of the presence of anyone else in either of your lives.

[kisslaboca]

Smile,

If he decided to leave the other girl and that he wants to start going out with you what would you do?

 

You sound like such an nice, decent, sweet person. I think you are handling this situation with a lot of grace and he like a total idiot. I can understand how you could be so hurt and also why you have this trust issues. You figure if he is having phone sex with someone while commited to someone else, he could have done that to you or could do it in the future if he goes back with you. I don't mean to add wood to the fire, by saying this, but I am jealous by nature, and I think I would be going kinda nuts with a situation like that specially if I had feelings for the guy.

 

What I really don't like about it is that he left you to be with her (I understand this was the case no?) and then is all coming around cause she moved 2 weeks into the rellationship and he is uncomfortable about the fact that she is living with her ex. Maybe he doesn't know how to handle this situation and is having contact with his ex (you) to sort of keep it even or something. That is just a wild guess, but he sounds a like a bit of a coward to me, like he made his bed and is not willing to lie in it with all the concequences.

 

I don't know what the best thing for you to do is. I think in this case and with someone so unsure and shady about what they really feel, the best policy is to be completely honest. I think it was a good idea to send him that letter and you can tell him also you will do NC if you feel it is the right thing to do. I just think that someone, one of you has to be crystal clear in order for the whole situation not to become crazier.

 

It must feel really unfair to be his confidant now, to sort of help him with a situation with another girl when you still have feelings for him. I think he sounds like a really stupid boy. With you he has trust, he can tell you anything, you support him give him advice selflessly, you have lots of intimacy, he is still drawn to you sexually and all. I mean, what more could he want?????? The only good thing I can see about him is that he is not willing to go all the way physically. That shows some remorse on his side, maybe even a hint of decency. Whatever the case he sounds way inmature and you defenetly sound like the better person. Also, one last thing when they keep contacting like that like how he was for the gym membership and stuff for silly things and regularly, it means they want something. He does sound confused, but you were doing so good SMILE, don't let him drag you into his emotional instability. If he is ever ready and 200% cristal clear tell him to come to you, and then you can start considering. It is just kinda risky to be where you are right now, and I dont' know if its worth it. Only you know how much this guy means to you. And hey if you want him back, and you love him, they say all is fair and war and love so you may find a way to work this out, however he doens't sound very deserving of that right now. But if you do love him, you must find a way that is loving and respecttul to you to be there for him.

 

In any case, if he was to come back to you me being in your position, I would want it to be cause he realized he wanted me not because he didn't like the mess he got into and saw me as a way to get out. Being that you are such an amazing person and so considerate to him even when this situation feels like **** to you, I think he should have little trouble valuing you as an excellent girlfriend.But agian, he sounds stupid.

 

Keep us posted on whats going on.

[smile]

Kisslaboca I really appreciaetd your comments. In fact they made me a little teary eyed. I feel like what I am doing is right and it means so much for someone to look at the situation and not think I am weak or acting like a doormat. So thank you.

 

As far as the breakup goes.. no he didnt leave me for her. Actually he went on a trip and kinda had a nervous breakdown. Like one day he was calling me every chance he got (three times the last day), buying me gifts, and even buying cds he knew I would like so he could be reminded of me... then the next day he snapped. He broke up with me .. he stayed a week later than he was going to .. just wandering around being a bum. He came home and just fell apart... racked up crazy debt and couldnt hold a job. Just wild wacked out behavior... unstable.

 

He met her about a month after we broke up .. but only a week after he stopped hanging out and spending the night (yes having sex) with me. So no she isn't why he left. I have had a few friends speculate that she made it easier for him to keep his distance.. but who knows...and some of my friends were on the trip with him and they swear there wasnt an other girl when he broke up with me... at least that wouldve made sense.

 

For the last month and a half he has had a steady good job. He is paying his debt and taking care of himself again. He says he was so ashamed of what he had become. So during that period when he would lash out at me or just be so defensive that it made any talk impossible he says it was because he couldnt handle me seeing him so weak and helpless. And I kept my distance because I knew this was something he had to realize he was strong enough to fix himself.

 

Thank you both for the advice and concern. Oh and as far as that question of what I would do if he left her for me.. yes I have thought about it. I have decided that if he asks me if I would be with him if he breaks up with her I would say no. He needs to decide how he feels about her regardless of what my actions would be. But, if he comes to a realization that he doesnt love her.. he leaves her.. and THEN wants to work on us.. then I would be willing... but this time it would have to be different.

 

We met and fell into such an intense relationship... he lost contact with his friends i lost contact with mine. I dont want that. I want to slowly get to know eachother again. I want to be independent people who are in love with eachother.. and I want us to keep the honesty we are working on, no matter how painful it may be.. because in the end knowing the truth is a lot easier to cope with than what my imagination can dregde up.

[kisslaboca]

Kisslaboca I really appreciaetd your comments. In fact they made me a little teary eyed. I feel like what I am doing is right and it means so much for someone to look at the situation and not think I am weak or acting like a doormat. So thank you.

 

Your welcome smile. Glad I could be of some help. Of course I don't think you are a doormat, and I think it is unfair for people to judge like that. When it comes to these sentimental type scenarios you'd be surprised how many people that critize you now may react themselves in similar situations. I had a friend constantly make me feel like a looser and like I had no self steem for going back with my ex after he had dumped me. However, the guy she was going out with slepted with a prostitute and hit her, and she went back with him, but she was not so harsh to judge herself though. Moral of the story, people may mean well, but you are the one living this experience. You will get a lot of advice take what works for you. However, one thing is advice and another thing is judment dont take that bs from anybody. Many people are quick to judge situations that they have no idea what they really feel like. You do whatever it is you need to do, even if it seems like a doormat to others, we only learn by living and really experiencing the choices WE make. So you go ahead and follow YOUR gut, that seems to be the best advice giver.

 

Thanks for shedding some light into your situation. After reading your last post I can see things better, however it is not less confusing not due to you but to your ex's erratic behaviour. In my own personal experience I have found that when guys are jobless and are sort of directionless like that, they (well some) can go sort of bizerk and can't deal with the "preassures" of a relationship. Well, he did have a job before but maybe he felt he had too many things on his plate, who knows, you know him better. It is no excuse though but a possible explanation. He does sound extremely imature though.

 

I understand how you were so hurt after this relationship, it sounds like he put your emotions through a wild rollercoaster ride. First, the way he was totally into you before breaking up, then the sudden breakup, the post breakup sex and then him dating someone else so shortly after. Sounds to me like a lot to deal with. It must have been really hard on you emotionally, and must have depleted your energies. It sounds really crazy making. And you know what, when your feelings are involved and crazy things like this happen unexpectedly and one right after other we may be too overwhelmed to have the right reflexes to get out before the truck runs us over, so never regret what you did or didn't do. Wether you love this guy or not, he does sound like someone that is very immature, self destructive and emotianally unstable as it seems like he may not know what he wants. (this is just judging from your post, i don't know the guy). If you want to eventually go back with him, make sure he does some sort of personal growth, self improvement. Honestly, I think the boy may greatly benefit from some psycological counceling. If you go back with him, consider it an option asking him to go to a psyc before you go back together. LOL

 

Wether you go back together or not, I think it doesn't seem like a good time for that now, not for either of you. So in an ironic way this whole situation with the other girl may even be working in your favor because it is keeping you apart at the moment. You may both need to be somewhere else emotionally for a good for you, healthy, loving relationship to spring up. It seems like he is still very confused and that you, which was totally happy and back to being her old self and grounded, seem to be getting caught in a bit of the confusion yourself at this point. I think he needs to know what he wants, for starters. And you may need more time and space to keep going and strengthen in the direction you were taking, where you felt so good about your self and independant happy and fullfilled. It took a lot of months, counceling, and the love of friends and family to get you to that point, don't let your ex's confusing behaviour throw curves your way and unstabilize you. You have to think of you now, keep your self grounded, don't let him sway you like a leave! Do whatever it takes to get your self focused again, give your self that space gurl! Even if you love him and he loves you neither of you seem to be where you can start a healthy relationship. Love will probably be able to really happen and stay when you are both more stable.

 

You sound like someone that has their head really well put on their shoulders and like someone who has learned something from this experience and knows what she wants from relationships. I really liked what you said about that you wanted the both of you to be indepant people coming together. As for the way you are acting, again, I repeat you are not a doormat. You are a decent, sweet person showing genuine feelings in what is for you personally a very challenging situation.

 

Keep true to your feelings, and keep your head up high. Above all think about your self now. TAke care of you, concentrate on you, do the nc thing---it may provide you with the mental space you need from your ex to get your self grounded and for him get his act together. Believe me if it is meant to be and you still love each other you will be together again, but hopefully he has done A LOT of growing up by then. Take care of you first, and surely you will see how all will start falling in place and how you will be having the right perspective on things. keep strong!

[confuseconfused]

Originally posted by kisslaboca

Smile,

If he decided to leave the other girl and that he wants to start going out with you what would you do?

 

You sound like such an nice, decent, sweet person. I think you are handling this situation with a lot of grace and he like a total idiot. I can understand how you could be so hurt and also why you have this trust issues. You figure if he is having phone sex with someone while commited to someone else, he could have done that to you or could do it in the future if he goes back with you. I don't mean to add wood to the fire, by saying this, but I am jealous by nature, and I think I would be going kinda nuts with a situation like that specially if I had feelings for the guy.

 

What I really don't like about it is that he left you to be with her (I understand this was the case no?) and then is all coming around cause she moved 2 weeks into the rellationship and he is uncomfortable about the fact that she is living with her ex. Maybe he doesn't know how to handle this situation and is having contact with his ex (you) to sort of keep it even or something. That is just a wild guess, but he sounds a like a bit of a coward to me, like he made his bed and is not willing to lie in it with all the concequences.

 

I don't know what the best thing for you to do is. I think in this case and with someone so unsure and shady about what they really feel, the best policy is to be completely honest. I think it was a good idea to send him that letter and you can tell him also you will do NC if you feel it is the right thing to do. I just think that someone, one of you has to be crystal clear in order for the whole situation not to become crazier.

 

It must feel really unfair to be his confidant now, to sort of help him with a situation with another girl when you still have feelings for him. I think he sounds like a really stupid boy. With you he has trust, he can tell you anything, you support him give him advice selflessly, you have lots of intimacy, he is still drawn to you sexually and all. I mean, what more could he want?????? The only good thing I can see about him is that he is not willing to go all the way physically. That shows some remorse on his side, maybe even a hint of decency. Whatever the case he sounds way inmature and you defenetly sound like the better person. Also, one last thing when they keep contacting like that like how he was for the gym membership and stuff for silly things and regularly, it means they want something. He does sound confused, but you were doing so good SMILE, don't let him drag you into his emotional instability. If he is ever ready and 200% cristal clear tell him to come to you, and then you can start considering. It is just kinda risky to be where you are right now, and I dont' know if its worth it. Only you know how much this guy means to you. And hey if you want him back, and you love him, they say all is fair and war and love so you may find a way to work this out, however he doens't sound very deserving of that right now. But if you do love him, you must find a way that is loving and respecttul to you to be there for him.

 

In any case, if he was to come back to you me being in your position, I would want it to be cause he realized he wanted me not because he didn't like the mess he got into and saw me as a way to get out. Being that you are such an amazing person and so considerate to him even when this situation feels like **** to you, I think he should have little trouble valuing you as an excellent girlfriend.But agian, he sounds stupid.

 

Keep us posted on whats going on.

[smile]

did i miss something? I got the quote part but nothing else. It was nice reading that part again tho. It makes me feel good to hear I am not wrong for wanting to have back even the friendship that we had. He is very important to me and I guess I just need to figure out how to sort it all out.

 

Either way I am not stopping my life for him. And yes I cried a bit when I found out he didnt see reason to tell me about her. But what I cant do is pretend that who he is with has any real effect on my life. I mean it matters as much as I let it matter. He is my friend and I have no idea how much of a friend I can be , but he was so great during our relationship... and even now he is the same guy inside.....that he deserves nothing less.

 

I know I dont deserve a lot of what happened myself... but this world isnt fair by nature and sometimes you dont get what you deserve from everyone. But maybe one day you are lucky enough to have one person be willing to give you more than you deserve. I think thats beauty and truth and love. humanity.

[smile]

Wow I was pretty intoxicated when I wrote that last post. I meant it, but it was mushy and sentimental.

 

Phew so today was a new day. He is gone away for a week again and he knew I had the day off. So he calls me.

 

I guess what I am bothered by now is this.... if he is having a long distance relationship, whatever level of serious it is... then that consists of phone calls and emails.. right? That is the same as what I have you know?

 

I dunno its weird. He cant use the copout that he thinks he wants to be with me because I am closer.. because aside from the other night , we dont see eachother. Its been phone calls and IMs. So whats the deal?

 

Why call me from the road? It was all silly and how are you kinda talk. Kinda giggly and funny, just like when he used to call me. There is one difference that bugged me a bit.

 

He called when everyone else had gone to town.. he stayed behind. When we were chatting it was silly and fun you know? Then when they got back he was all.. "i actually called you for some information." asked me about phone bill stuff. I gave it to him and then said everyone is back you should go. He agreed and said he would talk to me later.

 

Then I remembered the last time he called me from the road was last weekend. When everyone went out and he stayed behind. I know they were there when he broke up with me.. and may be disapproving or whatever... I mean I dont tell my mom or my sister or pretty much anyone about this because I dont want to hear what they have to say .

 

I dunno I just wish he would have the balls to do whatever it is he wants to do. I guess I just want that guy back. The one who was gone for new years but the day he got back drove to my house at 4am and banged on my window. I opened the door, and there he was in the pouring rain.... suitcase in hand.. arms wide open. *sigh* at least I have his memory.