Do I have to be the peacemaker.....again?

[memomma]

My husband stopped talking to me five and a half weeks ago. I've kept track of the days because I'm curious to see just how long this will go on.

To be fair to him, I have to say that after two weeks, I stopped trying to talk to him as well. I decided that it was his decision to stop talking and it is his responsibility to initiate communication between us once again.

Sounds pretty childish, doesn't it?

I really think we are both being stupid and pig-headed at this point but I cannot bring myself to approach him yet another time in order to salvage this marriage. This is his norm. He gets mad, shuts down and refuses to talk about it. I'm real tired of that.

I went to see an attorney in regards to proceeding with a divorce and was blown away when she told me it was possible I may have to pay this man alimony. I have three children from a previous marriage and do not feel I am obligated to support anyone other than them. So I have held off with the divorce but am SO TIRED of living this way. Two of my three children are here at home with me and I think our marriage is such a bad example to them of what relationships consists of. Fortunately I have an open relationship with my kids (16,19 and 20) and they are aware of the frustration and confusion I have regarding this marriage.

So...seems like I needed to vent a bit, huh?

My question is this........in order to end this nonsense here in this house, I am going to have to speak the first word to this man in order to move forward, don't I?

[Devildog]

It takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to wreck a marriage.

 

When a couple fights, neither usually wants to back down from their positions. So very little gets resolved and usually additional fuel will be thrown on the fire. Things can blow up very quickly like that.

 

If one of the people tries to compromise once in awhile, it can defuse a bad situation just as quickly. You just have to be careful that you don't always give in and he always gets his way. Try to show him you are willing to compromise and he might be willing to do the same.

[Ladyjane14]

I went back and read a good number of your posts. Maybe I missed it, but did you ever meet with the attorney?

 

Have you ever considered just making the appointment with a marriage counselor and telling him 'either meet me there, or meet me in court'?

 

I know that sounds harsh, but you're communication problems are bad enough to make you consider divorce out of hand at this point anyway. So what would be the harm in issuing the ultimatum?

 

You kids are nearly grown now, and when they leave your home and move on in there own lives, you're not going to want to be left with a man who is uncommunicative.

 

While it's true that some people are just more quiet than others, I think they can still find middle ground if they are BOTH willing to work at it.

 

Devildog is right that in a stand-off, someone is going to have to make the first move. If it's going to be you, then make it a good one.........and say what you really mean.

 

Good luck.

[memomma]

I have contacted an attorney and I have told him "if we don't see a counselor, we'll be seeing an attorney".

The attorney I consulted with told me there was a strong possibility that I would end up paying him alimony. This was about two months ago and at the time I thought to myself "no way". I am not going to pay this man any money.

So I put the thought of divorce on the back burner and tried to make this work.

Then he did this.

Finances are a big reason for my delay in proceeding with a divorce. I just want to make sure I can handle the lifestyle we have developed on my salary alone. It's a scary thought to have two mortages, a car payment, etc., etc., etc.....not to mention three kids who deserve to go to college.

I'm just trying to work it all out.

Maybe I'm a bit scared and no change is more comfortable than a million changes all at once.....

I know it will happen cause I realize it's the same story over and over again and that can't go on indefinitely.

[Ladyjane14]

The attorney I consulted with told me there was a strong possibility that I would end up paying him alimony. This was about two months ago and at the time I thought to myself "no way". I am not going to pay this man any money.

 

Sorry, I had had forgotten by the time I read the other posts!

 

Maybe you should see another attorney. I don't know how you could be expected to support a man when you have 3 kids to get through college. It sounds unreasonable.

 

My husband also said 'no' to counseling. I started without him, and he finally joined me there later. At the minimum, by starting on your own, you'll be able to sort out some of your insecurities on the issue of living alone, and dealing with the frustration all this is causing for you.

 

[memomma]

That's where I'm at......just began to see a counselor two weeks ago. I have learned thus far that I am an "avoider" when it comes to conflict resolution. My husband is as well......did you guess?

I'm learning to be patient and to be strong. Change doesn't come easy and I just thought how life can be a bit like ironing.

You stick your clothes in a basket at the back of the closet and never take them out unless you want/need to wear them. Then you pull out the iron and take time to press out each and every wrinkle before you wear them in public.

Wouldn't it be nice to slow down, iron all your clothes and have them pressed and ready to wear whenever you wanted to put them on? You put an hour or so aside and do menial repetious work that really doesn't appeal to you but is necessary to look your best.

I see an analogy here to doing the emotional work that alot of us tend to avoid.

Can you see it?

I'm going to back to my ironing now.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, it sounds like you're doing everything you can. Perhaps in time things will start to "iron out".