Back again feeling stupid and hoping this time I am done.

[Tahoe996]

First of all i am typing on my phone so i am sorry about the puncuation.So was feeling pretty lost and unsure back in February. Long story short I gave in and allowed the MW I had been seeing back in my life. Things slowly got better between us and she expressed regret in a decision to go on a vacation with her MM. I gave in and listened to her sob stories and accepted her back.

Well to fast forward to now things had been seeming to get better, I had myself ready to be completely done with her mid July I expressed to her at that point there was really no changes going on and I had to move on with my life. It's a crappy thing because I had sit back and have let so many single available women come and go because of feeling like she was the one and to remain loyal to her. (Dumb I know) so since July she opened up a savings acct. opened her own credit card, put her cell phone in her name only as proof she was leaving well she told me At the end of August she would have her stuff together and would move on. Well Friday night she told me she was telling him once and for all she was done. That apparently happened and we exchanged some brief texts over the weekend, I had asked her a few times if she was still moving forward and the answer was yes! Well then I see her yesterday and she says to me that she got to packing and it really hit her that she is leaving the only thing she has ever known and is feeling more confused than ever, she says she knows she doesn't love him but does not want him to hate her?!? Lol okay? So a few emails pass yesterday about her saying she knows she loves me but wonders if she gave it one more chance with him, not that she wants to but has guilt over that. I'm thinking wow okay? He has cheated on you 2-3times that you are aware of, he makes a lot more money than her and has complete control of finances and all money making decisions. Including decisions on buying 2 boats and scheduling all of their activities. According to her basically its all about him. And now once again she is wondering what she should do. I told her if you think you want to be with him then please do so but it's not really fair to keep me around while you are working on things. What I'm most pissed off about is thinking about all of the time I put into believing in her and opting not to pursue other women that have come my way. I know I love her but damn why is this so hard?!? I've ended other relationships before BUT I cannot get passed this one!

 

I have never really considered this till last night but I am just thinking about dropping off the face of the earth from her and go completely NC. No goodbye texts or emails and no face to face. I feel as she has truly given me nothing so why give her a goodbye? The girl has caused me nothing but stress and sleepless nights. I know I am not an option anymore and if she wants to work it out with him by all means do so, but don't come crying back to me when it doesn't work out and you've realized what you've lost!

[bbarnt]

Your situation is very similar to mine. I also waited on her and gave her many chances. I even swallowed things like her going with him for vacation. This last time she seemed serious about leaving and even made plans with me about how to do it. Yet when the moment came she told me she does not have strength to do it.

 

As much as it hurts walking away is only option. Girls like these can drag you along for years and not do anything. Move on and find new girl. If your AP wants anything with you she will contact you.

[Tahoe996]

Thank you it's hard! Just pisses me off like she was so ready had all these plans, is looking forward to this and that yet remains in this relationship she is SO unhappy in. I've gotten an email & a text so far this morning but have yet to respond. If I do I know where this is all headed and I just don't have the energy to even deal with it anymore.

[Feb]

Thank you it's hard! Just pisses me off like she was so ready had all these plans, is looking forward to this and that yet remains in this relationship she is SO unhappy in. I've gotten an email & a text so far this morning but have yet to respond. If I do I know where this is all headed and I just don't have the energy to even deal with it anymore.

 

Not to be the bearer or bad news (and you probably figured this out already), but guilt is one of the biggest roadblocks here on this board from people moving forward. She may or may not have been truthful with all her plans, but ultimately she does not have it in her to overcome the feelings of guilt and leave to be with you. Many people, women especially (ladies, please do not bash me for saying this, I'm in the same boat) are not only ridden with guilt, but they don't want everyone to hate them or think badly of them. Leaving your marriage for another partner is a sure fire way of having a group of people 'hate' you, or think badly of you. Even if that weren't the case, we'd think that anyway. Most can't live with that thought and it never seems to go away.

 

 

To show you how strong that guilt hold is, there are many women on this board who won't leave their AP's because they don't want to hurt them and would feel guilty for abandoning them.

 

 

From reading about your MW, even in the off-chance she leaves to be with you my guess is that between her H, family, or just the thoughts in her head, will have her going back to the marriage in a month or two.

 

 

You are doing the right thing by going NC and just moving on.

[jlola]

Not to be the bearer or bad news (and you probably figured this out already), but guilt is one of the biggest roadblocks here on this board from people moving forward. She may or may not have been truthful with all her plans, but ultimately she does not have it in her to overcome the feelings of guilt and leave to be with you. Many people, women especially (ladies, please do not bash me for saying this, I'm in the same boat) are not only ridden with guilt, but they don't want everyone to hate them or think badly of them. Leaving your marriage for another partner is a sure fire way of having a group of people 'hate' you, or think badly of you. Even if that weren't the case, we'd think that anyway. Most can't live with that thought and it never seems to go away.

 

 

To show you how strong that guilt hold is, there are many women on this board who won't leave their AP's because they don't want to hurt them and would feel guilty for abandoning them.

 

 

From reading about your MW, even in the off-chance she leaves to be with you my guess is that between her H, family, or just the thoughts in her head, will have her going back to the marriage in a month or two.

 

 

You are doing the right thing by going NC and just moving on.

 

She feels too guilty to leave a man who has cheated on her twice. What a crappy excuse. she does not want to leave and comes out with this?

If I were in a relationship with a man who kept cheating on me, the last thing I would feel is guilt when leaving him.

 

Also, how would anyone know she is having an affair unless she has no patience and has to move in with him right away? This is the thing. People in affairs claim they are so in love. Yet, they will not wait a decent amount of time to be apart. It is as though they have to let everyone know they are together right away. Emotions rule over logic.

As for the excuses, stop listening to them or making them for her.

 

How a man with options can only fall in love with a MW is beyond me. I guess single women do not have enough baggage or drama, or other man competition to make their adrenaline flow.

[trailrunner1975]

Your situation is very similar to mine. I also waited on her and gave her many chances. I even swallowed things like her going with him for vacation. This last time she seemed serious about leaving and even made plans with me about how to do it. Yet when the moment came she told me she does not have strength to do it.

 

As much as it hurts walking away is only option. Girls like these can drag you along for years and not do anything. Move on and find new girl. If your AP wants anything with you she will contact you.

 

I concur. And don't walk away, run! Don't look back and you owe her nothing. She made a decision and you can best respect that by disappearing. Else she will waffle back and forth and leave you stuck waiiting. Anything less and the fog will remain. Anytime she tries to contact wish her and her family all the best, no need to try to win her back. You never had her to begin with. I was in your shoes once, not fun and never again.

[Kimmie80]

I have to agree with Feb on this one. I was with someone for 15 years. He cheated on me with my good friend who introduced us 2 years into our relationship. I forgave him and we moved forward. Then in 2009 I became pregnant with our third child. I was very sick, tired and my emotions were all out of whack. He claimed I became lazy and didnt feel loved. So, he had an affair. It lasted 6 months. He claims he realized how much he loved me so he came back. I have allowed him back in so we can be a family. I grew up with my parents together so I wanted my kids to have both of us. Ever since then, I fell out of love. I dont know if it was my defence mechanism kicking in or what, but I started to grow apart from him. I met a really nice man just recently. Fell head over heels for him. However, I canceled so many plans that we made out of guilt for my ex. He always knew what to say to make me feel like crap. I was called every name in the book. So, to make everyone happy, I continued living my so called 'happy' life. No matter how unhappy some of us married women are, we are in a routine. A comfortable routine. We have a safe place for us and our children at the end of the day, food, clothes ect. Its our safe haven. If I ever completely leave, everyone all around me will be hurt, especially my children. At this point, it doesnt matter how I feel or what I want. I am currently living for everyone else. Hope that shines a bit of light for you?

[jlola]

I have to agree with Feb on this one. I was with someone for 15 years. He cheated on me with my good friend who introduced us 2 years into our relationship. I forgave him and we moved forward. Then in 2009 I became pregnant with our third child. I was very sick, tired and my emotions were all out of whack. He claimed I became lazy and didnt feel loved. So, he had an affair. It lasted 6 months. He claims he realized how much he loved me so he came back. I have allowed him back in so we can be a family. I grew up with my parents together so I wanted my kids to have both of us. Ever since then, I fell out of love. I dont know if it was my defence mechanism kicking in or what, but I started to grow apart from him. I met a really nice man just recently. Fell head over heels for him. However, I canceled so many plans that we made out of guilt for my ex. He always knew what to say to make me feel like crap. I was called every name in the book. So, to make everyone happy, I continued living my so called 'happy' life. No matter how unhappy some of us married women are, we are in a routine. A comfortable routine. We have a safe place for us and our children at the end of the day, food, clothes ect. Its our safe haven. If I ever completely leave, everyone all around me will be hurt, especially my children. At this point, it doesnt matter how I feel or what I want. I am currently living for everyone else. Hope that shines a bit of light for you?

 

He did not state his affair partner had children. So I am assuming none. even so, I really have an issue with a person who is not in love with her husband, he has disrespected her and not cheated once, but #X. And she has guilt? At some point your rational self should take over.

 

If he had cheated on her once, that could possibly be forgive by some. But 3x means serial cheater,selfish narcissist.

 

This on top of the fact she has met a man who can possibly show her faithfulness,respect and true love? She has issues she needs to discuss i therapy.

Because given the chance to have a good relationship, she will choose the bad one when she has someone waiting on the sidelines. makes you wonder.

 

I was physically abused as a child. As I told my mother, what he did to us would and should have landed him in jail. But he was a parent and I ad no other. So we told noone since we did not think anyone would protect us,love us,give us a home. BUT HAD someone stepped up to the plate and said "You are safe with me, I will care for you and protect you". No matter what sort of traumatic bond I had with my father, I would have run to a safe and loving home.

 

He is offering MW a choice and she is still hesitant. makes me wonder why?

[Tahoe996]

Thank you to everyone for the posts! It is very appreciated, I'm still reading through all this and to answer a few things I should have originally mentioned,

No. She has no kids involved. She has said she never wanted children with him because of his traveling for jobs and basically his unwillingness to help around the house.

And no, we would not be moving in together immediately. It was mutually agreed to give it at least a year before we considered moving in together.

 

The part where he has cheated so many times yet the obligation to stay is beyond me as well and so many other things she has mentioned about him makes me really wonder just what it is that keeps her there. She admits her own faults and his as well, there is some definite emotional abuse with her MM that is very apparent when I'm around and it's easy to see when she says it aloud.

She says there is the feeling of guilt there yet I know she has been controlled by him with a fair amount of ease. I don't know how else to explain it to her and feel like I'm beating a dead horse trying to explain this to her.

In an email today she says she has no doubt she wants to be with me, yet wonders if she will ever be able to go forward because she is so scared.

 

I don't know if it's out of fear, loyalty, financial reasons, or what the case may be...

[Feb]

Thank you to everyone for the posts! It is very appreciated, I'm still reading through all this and to answer a few things I should have originally mentioned,

No. She has no kids involved. She has said she never wanted children with him because of his traveling for jobs and basically his unwillingness to help around the house.

And no, we would not be moving in together immediately. It was mutually agreed to give it at least a year before we considered moving in together.

 

The part where he has cheated so many times yet the obligation to stay is beyond me as well and so many other things she has mentioned about him makes me really wonder just what it is that keeps her there. She admits her own faults and his as well, there is some definite emotional abuse with her MM that is very apparent when I'm around and it's easy to see when she says it aloud.

She says there is the feeling of guilt there yet I know she has been controlled by him with a fair amount of ease. I don't know how else to explain it to her and feel like I'm beating a dead horse trying to explain this to her.

In an email today she says she has no doubt she wants to be with me, yet wonders if she will ever be able to go forward because she is so scared.

 

I don't know if it's out of fear, loyalty, financial reasons, or what the case may be...

 

Although there are some differing opinions on this thread, none of us know the real reason she is staying. If she is being controlled, she may not know herself. You know what though, Tahoe? The reasons why do not matter on bit as far as you are concerned. She is an adult and can make her own decisions; and she has although she's waffling. Her actions tell you she is not ready to leave yet. She may verbally give you a timeframe, but based on how she is handling this situation, it'll be a long time before she stands firm on her decision. The question is if you want to wait around and see what happens, or move on with your life.

 

 

Ultimately we all give advice to strangers here because we know what if feels like to wait and not have certainty of a future -- it's a very miserable existence, with low odds of a happy ending.

[TaintedLuv]

At the end of the day, we can't crawl into someone's mind and really figure out their reasons but us, single APs, can either let them waste our lives while we wait for them to leave (or not leave or who knows wtf theyre doing) or move onto someone that deserves what we have to offer.

[Tahoe996]

Thanks everyone again for these posts, I have broke down and talked to her a bit but it just doesn't fell the same anymore, I do love her and want to work things out, but I am so exhausted with the highs and lows, it just seems like like a roller coaster that I cannot bring myself to get off of. Yesterday she said that she has been finding a way to get herself to know she's in a rut with moving forward. She knows she is done but he is now throwing out financial threats basically threatening her with letting their boats go back to the bank because neither can afford them and basically filing bankruptcy. He also said she would not be keeping the dogs they have together. She seemed genuine in saying she was pissed because he knows her job involves banking and if bankruptcy is filed she knows this will pull some major damage on things at work.

She also mentioned that there was a trip planned with them for this weekend which involved going to the Ozarks with their boat. She said she was not going. They were supposed to leave yesterday and she insists she is not going. She told me they are arguing and he said he was going. So she went forth with making some plans with me and some plans of test driving some new cars while he was gone. He calls her today and tells her he isn't going to go.

I think it's great she stands firm in not going, But still tired of her changing her plans with me. I get that she is married. But it's finally set in that my feelings have and seem to be always expendable. I understand that goes with the situation but it really hit today.

Why the hell do I sit here passing up women that are single waiting for a woman that's goes home to him everynight? I know maybe I'm stupid I get it. But really just been sitting back and thinking about her not leaving and I'm sitting here waiting. I know they do stuff together still so okay fair enough then why can't I pursue these single women who like me then? She goes out so why can't I go out on dates and talk to women?!? Seems fair to me.

Just venting I guess but thanks for reading.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Rejection.

 

Most people can not deal with rejection. And really what is an ow/om subject to on a constant basis. Rejection. Their married person goes home to another, while you put yourself on a shelf ...waiting for the next encounter.

 

Hardly seems fair. And it isn't. However, you put yourself there time and time again.

 

To be honest, the "love" of your life sounds like one f'd up individual...what is the attraction in that? I'm tired of the back and forth and I just had to read it.

[Tahoe996]

You both seem to be emotionally messy and play off the drama in each others lives- if thats what you see for yourself in the long run, this is the perfect relationship for you- if, however, you want to be healthy and happy, you should cut your losses and move on-

 

I agree but I just don't know what is wrong with me. I've been to counseling I've broken up with women, I've been broken up with. I just can't gauge why I can't get over her, I'm confidant, good looking and know without any doubt I can find another. I can't figure out why there is this hold she has over me. Maybe I'm stuck trying to play the savor. I don't know. But I am so frustrated with myself. She continues saying she's done and I continue to bite. I can't figure out why.

[jlola]

I agree but I just don't know what is wrong with me. I've been to counseling I've broken up with women, I've been broken up with. I just can't gauge why I can't get over her, I'm confidant, good looking and know without any doubt I can find another. I can't figure out why there is this hold she has over me. Maybe I'm stuck trying to play the savor. I don't know. But I am so frustrated with myself. She continues saying she's done and I continue to bite. I can't figure out why.

 

Because any relationship that is toxic can become addictive. It does not matter if you were in an affair, or with a personality disordered person,or one who is emotionally unavailable. Those seem to be the ones that bring people to therapy.

 

Toxic relationships are built on a foundation of uncertainty, intermittent time spent together,longing and fantasy more than reality,triangles,high highs and low lows.

[2sunny]

I vote for going silent - then get busy doing things that make you happy!

 

Be so busy that you don't have time to think of her!