Dating to friends then back again?

[Mariposa10]

Yes I do, but I have kids who are in bed right now so I can't go out.

 

So you really think (sorry to keep asking!) that if he came round tonight and I spent ten minutes saying stuff along the lines of what I said in the letter, then told him I'll be backing off from now on for my own sake as much as his, then let him go without 'creating' - and then left him alone from tomorrow onwards; he'd really think more badly of me than he would if I cancelled?

 

Since he's so stressed out, annoyed by this entire situation. I guess he'll feel relieved (and probably won't believe you since you have been contacting him all the time) If you cancel he'll feel relieved too. I feel like and if I were him, I would just want to get this over with as soon as possible (please put yourself in his shoes)

 

What I don't get is why you have to do it tonight? Like I said, last weekend that I talked to my ex, I couldn't control myself and my neediness got the best of me, and what happened? It backfired. He got annoyed, even a little bit angry. It was a mess, but that call helped me. Now I've stopped contacting him and you know what? he's been texting me every day in the morning and before going to bed, he even asked me if I wanted to hang out, but I told him I was gonna be busy (which is true, I don't want to play games). We have to start living our lives, and let them live their lives too, we'll see what happens. Being clingy, needy, dramatic is not attractive at all!! We have to understand that.

 

Again, do what you want, but keep all this in mind, why are you in such a hurry? Don't let your emotions get the best of you.

[gothicrose]

I totally get what you're saying Mariposa, but if he's come to the end of his tether then a week will make no difference; Thursday is usually the day he is free to come over at 8pm (which gives him 2 hours before he has to get home) so I could cancel tonight, leave him alone and then next Thursday ask him over, but he won't want to talk - when he came over last night the first question I asked him, was "if I'd just asked you to come over for a coffee, would you have turned up?" and he replied that he wouldn't have, as he doesn't want to be in this sort of social situation with anyone at the moment.

 

So in my mind, it'd be pointless having the conversation I was going to have tonight, any other time than tonight as he probably wouldn't want to turn up. And if I asked him over just to talk? Well it'd take a lot longer than a week I think, I doubt he'd even be ready for that this side of Christmas.

[StrongLass]

I totally get what you're saying Mariposa, but if he's come to the end of his tether then a week will make no difference;

 

He's already at the end. At this point it's just a free fall.

 

Thursday is usually the day he is free to come over at 8pm (which gives him 2 hours before he has to get home) so I could cancel tonight, leave him alone and then next Thursday ask him over, but he won't want to talk

 

Why would he? Even if he's in the wrong meeting up with you keeps turning into recap he11.

 

So in my mind, it'd be pointless having the conversation I was going to have tonight, any other time than tonight as he probably wouldn't want to turn up.

 

As long as he doesn't want anything serious with you ANY CONVERSATION THE TWO OF YOU WILL HAVE WILL BE POINTLESS.

 

And if I asked him over just to talk? Well it'd take a lot longer than a week I think, I doubt he'd even be ready for that this side of Christmas.

 

Stop. Just.....stop. You need to quit thinking like this & wasting so much time with these meetup/talking plans.

 

Focus on EVERYTHING else in your life and you WILL be the better for it.

[gothicrose]

Stronglass, you misunderstood the intention of everything you quoted.

[Simon Phoenix]

So it's a complete lost cause? I mean me and him ever reconciling in the future...some people have chances but me and him don't?

 

It's a lost cause if you continue to pursue it right now. At the rate you are going one of three things will happen.

 

1) You annoy him to the point where he completely withdraws and wants nothing to do with you.

 

2) You get into a friends with benefits situation where you sleep together sporadically at his convenience until he finds someone else or gets bored with it. Then you get tossed to the side.

 

3) You exist in a friend zone limbo where you have no idea what the hell is going on and you overanalyze everything he does to the point where you are an emoting mess. And as soon as he finds someone else he either tosses you to the side or, worse yet, talks to you about her.

 

You really need to step back from this.

[BC1980]

Do not send that letter. That is what you tell your therapist or your girlfriends. It's overwhelming to a man for him to feel the need to be your therapist. He doesn't want that. He wants you to be a stable, safe place for him to go. He wants you to open up to him, but not like that letter. If I got that letter from a boyfriend, I would feel overwhelmed.

 

All of those emotions in your letter are legit, and we have all fełt like emotional messes at times. But he doesn't need to see all of that. You can't expect your partner to be your therapist. It's too much pressure.

[Mariposa10]

Do not send that letter. That is what you tell your therapist or your girlfriends. It's overwhelming to a man for him to feel the need to be your therapist. He doesn't want that. He wants you to be a stable, safe place for him to go. He wants you to open up to him, but not like that letter. If I got that letter from a boyfriend, I would feel overwhelmed.

 

All of those emotions in your letter are legit, and we have all fełt like emotional messes at times. But he doesn't need to see all of that. You can't expect your partner to be your therapist. It's too much pressure.

 

I would feel sooooo overwhelmed too!!! I hope she doesn't send it or talk about it.

[BC1980]

I just read the part where he wouldn't meet at a public place. Red flag for him thinking he might get sex if he comes over. That must be why he keeps coming over for an emotional rehashing. And you started out as a one night stand, which is bad news if you want a relationship. You made two fatal mistakes. You had sex with him, so you have all your game away the first night. Second, you have become an emotional, needy mess. This is bad news.

 

He associates you with easy sex now, and that's what he is looking for. It's all clear to me now. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to hear it.

[gothicrose]

I've changed some details for privacy, and can't go into the whole situation on here - it's not as clear cut as being a one night stand though, trust me.

 

Anyway - he was slightly late, turned up actually smiling for a change and looking relaxed, he sat down and took his coat off, I talked a little bit about some of the stuff in the letter - the control thing (as he said before he thought I was trying to control him, so I thought it was relevant), I mentioned me going to his place last time and him saying twice that he thought he might still love me, he still didn't give much of an answer...just said it was probably how he felt at the time, he was still smiling when he was talking to me so a complete contrast to last night.

I also asked about what he'd said last night; I had asked why he had kept pulling me down on top of him and holding me (hands round my waist not moving any lower!) if he was annoyed with me, and last night he'd snapped that he had just been so angry and thats why he was doing it, to control himself or something.

Then tonight when I asked how he could have been so angry he reckons, yet he was also kissing me, when I apologised for bieng a pain he laughed and jokingly said that I love messing with his head, and why when I joked that my hair was being messed up from all this laying down, he ruffled my hair playfully - he seemed relaxed and playful, not angry - his reply was "I still have so many extreme emotions when it comes to you. I'm annoyed, but at the very same time you make me laugh and relax me".

 

He then started talking about how stressed he was with work, too many hours and taking on too much work, I spoke about my future career choices and he encouraged me...then I said I'd shut up now as we'd been talking for an hour by this point (and he was sitting back on the sofa all the time, I was about 5 feet away, he never once looked at his watch) and he said that yes he had to go, so he got his coat on.

 

I asked if he hated me and he said no, so I said that I'd meant being annoyed with me, he hugged me and said "no, I like you!" then outside I asked what he wanted me to do...I explained briefly that I was just wondering about texting him now and again to say hi and he said that was fine, as long as I didn't text and text if he didn't reply quickly enough...I asked something about whether he's genuinely not sure about the future between us (friendship or otherwise) or just saying that to shut me up, he said "I don't know. I love you...then trailed off (clearly stopping himself from saying "I love you to pieces as a friend" in case I thought he was going to say I love you!) and I interjected "yes I know, I'm lovely but not lovely enough" and he smiled, hugged me and said "no...oh I don't know - I'm f****d".

He did leave under a slightly off note because of that, but he smiled before he left and we had managed an hour of talking without arguing or him pacing around and getting distressed.

 

He was tired, but seemed relaxed enough and receptive to what I had to say.

 

So now I know I need to back off. My heart says go LC rather than NC - a text maybe every week or two saying hi? Is that too much?

[Simon Phoenix]

NC, no LC. You can't handle LC and your LC plan is still invasive and annoying. And hearts are usually morons. Listening to your heart exclusively is a recipe for disaster in situations such as yours.

 

But yeah, you need to back the hell off. Completely.

[BC1980]

So what was the point of him coming over to talk to you? Did you get any questions answered that we didn't already answer for you?

 

You need to go NC and stop this insanity.

[gothicrose]

So what was the point of him coming over to talk to you? Did you get any questions answered that we didn't already answer for you?

 

You need to go NC and stop this insanity.

 

I got to explain myself a bit better and calmly, he seemed to understand, we managed an hour of talking without him getting stressed - granted at the end I pushed it a bit far but until then it was ok, he didn't leave under as much of a cloud as normal..and I thought him saying I still confuse him feelings-wise was positive; I thought this meant there was still something there to possibly build on, rather than no feelings whatsoever, but maybe I'm wrong and he only said that to let me down gently? I did ask that and he said no, and I asked him to be 100% honest.

 

And there were a couple of new parts; when I had asked about why he'd said the stuff about possibly still loving me last week, he started off saying he didn't know why he'd said it, he felt it at the time...then I interrupted and said that he's been in love before so he knows how that feels, his response was no, he doesn't (he's said this in the past too) - he told me that the level of feelings he has for me; the excitement and all the other good stuff, is what he has had for everyone else he's ever been with (except with me; there's the extra side of the hassle and annoying him more than he's ever been - those are my words, he didn't say that part).

I commented that usually, that excitement and ecstasy feeling changes into more substantial love type feelings and he said "that's the bit I've never had..." then I asked about his marriage (he's been married before, for quite a long time) and said he must have had proper love with her or it wouldn't have lasted. He said "no because it just gets boring doesn't it." I said "not at the beginning though, the first 5 or 10 years?" and he said "no but you don't think that way do you? You just feel the first excitement and then plod along day to day".

He was young back then and married to his first love so maybe it was true love, maybe not, I don't know.

 

 

Anyway the conversation did sound positive to me - nothing to hold my breath for but was just roughly thinking that maybe over the next 6-9 months baby steps might take us...somewhere, whether it's trying again or just being really good friends .

 

How is my 'LC plan' invasive and annoying though? Why do I have to go complete NC now?

I'm going to still be able to focus and work on myself, even with sending him a text every week or two (it may not even be that often, I'll see how I feel) and maybe a phone call sometimes so why would that be too much for him?

 

He said his only issue was when I text and he doesn't have time to reply, so i text again asking if he's ignoring me an hour later - as long as I don't do that then what's the harm?

[Simon Phoenix]

I got to explain myself a bit better and calmly, he seemed to understand, we managed an hour of talking without him getting stressed - granted at the end I pushed it a bit far but until then it was ok, he didn't leave under as much of a cloud as normal..and I thought him saying I still confuse him feelings-wise was positive; I thought this meant there was still something there to possibly build on, rather than no feelings whatsoever, but maybe I'm wrong and he only said that to let me down gently? I did ask that and he said no, and I asked him to be 100% honest.

 

And there were a couple of new parts; when I had asked about why he'd said the stuff about possibly still loving me last week, he started off saying he didn't know why he'd said it, he felt it at the time...then I interrupted and said that he's been in love before so he knows how that feels, his response was no, he doesn't (he's said this in the past too) - he told me that the level of feelings he has for me; the excitement and all the other good stuff, is what he has had for everyone else he's ever been with (except with me; there's the extra side of the hassle and annoying him more than he's ever been - those are my words, he didn't say that part).

I commented that usually, that excitement and ecstasy feeling changes into more substantial love type feelings and he said "that's the bit I've never had..." then I asked about his marriage (he's been married before, for quite a long time) and said he must have had proper love with her or it wouldn't have lasted. He said "no because it just gets boring doesn't it." I said "not at the beginning though, the first 5 or 10 years?" and he said "no but you don't think that way do you? You just feel the first excitement and then plod along day to day".

He was young back then and married to his first love so maybe it was true love, maybe not, I don't know.

 

 

Anyway the conversation did sound positive to me - nothing to hold my breath for but was just roughly thinking that maybe over the next 6-9 months baby steps might take us...somewhere, whether it's trying again or just being really good friends .

 

How is my 'LC plan' invasive and annoying though? Why do I have to go complete NC now?

I'm going to still be able to focus and work on myself, even with sending him a text every week or two (it may not even be that often, I'll see how I feel) and maybe a phone call sometimes so why would that be too much for him?

 

He said his only issue was when I text and he doesn't have time to reply, so i text again asking if he's ignoring me an hour later - as long as I don't do that then what's the harm?

 

Whatever, do what you want. It's clear you have no interest in listening to what anyone has to say. You seem to want to go down in flames so I'm going to let you.

[gothicrose]

Oh and I suppose I'd better be completely honest about the situation, as you commented on sleeping with him at the start, BC1980.

 

Here's the outline/timeline:

 

Nov 2012 - was in my children's school doing some volunteer work, met this guy who was friendly and chatted for a couple of minutes whenever he saw me in school after that, for the next few weeks.

 

Dec 2012 - I was having a tough time with one of the teachers (had made a complaint and annoyed her) and this guy always made the effort to talk to me and be friendly, unlike everyone else in school, so I messaged him on facebook just saying that I wasn't sure on the protocol of messaging support staff in my child's school, but thanking him for being a friendly face amongst a lot of unfriendly ones and I ended the message by saying if I'd crossed a line by messaging then I apologised, but maybe I'd see him in school again sometime.

 

March 2013 - he replied to my message; it had gone into his 'other' folder as we aren't friends on FB and he'd only just seen it, he replied saying no worries about contacting, he'd liked me the first moment he'd seen me and looked me up on FB himself so it as a pleasant surprise to have got my message...said he thought I was lovely and that he was in a relationship with a lady who lives in Aus (we are UK) and that "it's complicated, haven' seen her since Sept last year and now likely to be Sept before I get to see her again".

 

We messaged on FB for a couple of weeks, then moved to text message - mostly banter and some light flirting, and then he started hinting to come over and talk in person. I was wary and put him off for a couple of days and then agreed in the end.

So he turned up one night after his martial arts training - I can't do days as I have the kids - and we chatted about his life, my life, cuddled a bit on the sofa but that was about it. He told me his partner was meant to have been coming over to stay with him for 6 months in April, and then he'd go back with her to Aus in the Sept, but she just told him she wouldn't be able to make it over here in April and he was having doubts as to whether to sell up his whole life, dog, leave his job (truth time - he's 59, I'm 30) and move over there, as he and this lady had only spent 5 weeks physically together (when she came to visit him last Sept) before embarking on this relationship and his decision to move country.

He told me he had originally come over to see if could do the 'ONS' thing, a bit of fun but once he arrived, he realised he liked me and couldn't do that to me, he doesn't want to be 'that' sort of person as he believes 'making love' is to be done only in relationships or heading towards one, and apologised for that originally being his intention.

 

April - we had been getting closer over the previous few weeks; he had been coming around almost every evening and we would sit chatting for hours on the sofa (literally 6 hours at a time), time flew and it was nice. He had been saying he had developed the same feelings for me as he had for his partner and this was confusing him, we talked a lot about the pros and cons of being with me versus going to Aus, he also said his weekly conversations with her on Skype had felt differently and more stunted to him recently, then on 18th April he told me he was single.

He had told her about his doubts and she had ended it apparently, he showed me that his facebook status was no set to single - and this woman hadn't commented saying "what the heck!?" so I believed him that it WAS over.

He then asked if I wanted to try for a relationship, I said yes and for about 4 weeks he came round most evenings and we'd act like a couple, he said I made him smile inside, could turn a good day into a great one just by agreeing to see him that evening, it was all lovely.

BUT no one from school could find out, as he'd just split with this lady AND the headteacher is also his sister - and she has issues with me because of me complaining about my child's teacher. So, we couldn't go out together in town in case a parent or staff from the school saw us and started spreading rumours.

 

MAY - we went for our only 'date' in early May - just on the outskirts of town for a picnic and to walk his dog, it was nice and relaxed, we got on amazingly well, spent 5 hours walking and chatting round the woodland and then he dropped me home at 5pm - and came back at 8pm and stayed the night! This may have been the second or third time we slept together, can't remember exactly.

We started saying we loved each other and one day, after some joking around about him moving into my shed with his dog (don't ask! hehe), I said "how about just moving in with me full stop?" I was half joking but would have loved him to say yes, and he did. He said we would take my kids and his dog out in the next couple of weeks to see how they all got on, then arrange to start thinking about moving on together not long after that.

 

Then something snapped in me and I started to panic; no one knew about us so how could he just move in with me, would he go off me, etc etc - so I started acting irrationally; asking him over on days I knew he was too busy then getting moody when he refused, demanding he came over right then and there and then when he did, I didn't open the door or caused an argument when he got here - it was 2 weeks of insanity but he kept going along with my demands as "the good parts of you are worth it" and then one day in Mid-May, he ended it saying that he wasn't emotionally strong enough to continue.

 

Since then, he's been very up and down; coming to see me roughly once a week but we would end up in bed (and arguing!) and then he'd feel guilty as he said he didn't want 'just sex', so then he'd say it might be best if he didn't come over any more to avoid temptation until he'd worked out how he felt about me - as he was always saying he's emotionally empty - that he was married for 20-something years to his first love, who in the last 10 years never showed him any affection or love, or allowed him to give it. He says he finally left when his kids were old enough and he'd never really got over the thought that his wife that he loved, maybe never loved him.

 

Maybe that's why he tried so hard with me? My crappy actions reminded him of his wife?

 

Anyway the basics of what he was saying about his feelings since May were that he liked me a lot, was attracted to me, I inspired so many positive feelings in him that felt like love but on the flip side, I annoyed him more than anyone ever has (it got to the point in late May/June that whenever he came over, I'd just go on and on asking why his feelings were so erratic, he'd say it's because he's confused but I wouldn't accept that and kept questioning, then he'd get frustrated).

 

In late June/July he started saying he didn't see a future for us, he would have liked there to have been but I'm not right for him, he went on a dating website to "take my mind off you" and met 2 women but didn't click with either of them, after the last date he came to see me the same day and we got on, he stayed over and he was saying he was worried that he was just being a coward, worrying about people's reactions too much - and maybe he should just go for it with me, but again I pushed it with the questioning ("describe exactly how you feel now" *kiss* "how about now?" type stuff!) and we ended up arguing. That was a common theme between us...

 

He went away for 2 weeks recently, coming back last Tuesday which was when I went to see him as I'd said in a previous post - before he went away, he said he couldn't handle the hassle and pressure, needed to get away to sort his head out and work out how he felt about me; whether he missed me, whether he wanted to never see me again, it was just a physical thing, friendship or to do it properly and date me.

He asked for NC while he was away, he didn't get it

 

And then last Monday I phoned him, he said he wanted to stay friends, he liked me a lot and was attracted to me, would come and see me on the Thursday that week and that people can't have a relationship without a friendship first, he had realised that's where he's been going wrong in the past and he wanted to get on through text and maybe the occasional phone call, maybe meet up in the future for a coffee and see where it went, no guarantees. Then I pushed it again and he turned round and said he wasn't going to see me on the Thursday, I'd ruined it by pushing too far and he doesn't want the hassle of a relationship with any one until he's happy being on his own.

 

And then I went out to see him on the Tuesday, and I've posted about that so you know what happened.

 

Sorry that was epic, and the reason I changed some details in my OP so I wouldn't have to give the looong backstory!

 

Basically when he met me first of all, he was having doubts about moving country, I turned up and he was interested, I seemed to respond, he says that this woman he was with, he had thought she was his last chance at 'love' because of his age, this lady felt the same about him so that's why they had agreed to go for it, without knowing if it was 'for real ' or not but then the doubts crept in, he developed feelings for me, had more doubts about going...then that relationship finished and we jumped into intensity straight away without that dating period first, except we were intense between ourselves but having to keep things a secret in public for a while.

He had said that by the July we could have started being seen out together but I kept pushing for it to be sooner, he was saying he couldn't as no one would have given us a fair chance so soon after he had ended his last relationship...then I talked about moving in, he got into the idea and started talking about sharing bills and getting a bigger car - then it all went wrong.

 

So now he's saying his head is messed up, he doesn't know what he wants, the last time he felt this way it took him 3 years to get back into the head-space of wanting a relationship, he doesn't want to spend time with me 'socially' as he's attracted to me and confused about his feelings because he feels really positive things but also the frustration and anger when I push and question, and because he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone, he doesn't want to date me - so therefore can't have sex with me.

He even said that he was having trouble getting to his martial arts class 3 times a week; that he's bordering on being a recluse as he just can't be bothered making the effort to do much else than work and then walk his dog.

 

He seems very genuine and last night when he said the part about feeling reclusive and being stressed at work, he seemed just...well to use his words, "f****d". I get why he says that.

 

I really don't think he's using me for sex or sees me as an easy lay, I don't think he's messing me around and I realise he does need space to sort his head out.

[gothicrose]

Whatever, do what you want. It's clear you have no interest in listening to what anyone has to say. You seem to want to go down in flames so I'm going to let you.

 

No. I was trying to understand how LC is going to cause more harm than good.

[BC1980]

He doesn't want to be with you, so you should wait for him to contact you. That way, you know he's in the right head space to talk to you because he initiated it. You have displayed some very needy behaviors, so it really will look worse if you contact him.

 

As Simon said, you can't handle LC. That is a tough, emotionally draining game to play.

[gothicrose]

He doesn't want to be with you, so you should wait for him to contact you. That way, you know he's in the right head space to talk to you because he initiated it. You have displayed some very needy behaviors, so it really will look worse if you contact him.

 

As Simon said, you can't handle LC. That is a tough, emotionally draining game to play.

 

I just kind of thought that I wouldn't look bad if I cut it right back and just text him every now and again - I said weekly but I doubt it would be that often, as the weeks pass by quickly what with having children to look after, a job, the house etc.

 

Chances are I will see him in passing a couple of times around November/December, because I am on the PTA at my child's school and as he works there, he will be around the corridors at some point. The school has a lot of assemblies and things too and due to it being a small school, I'll see him in passing then, too. Obviously those will just be a 'hi' type situation or a smile in passing as he usually does, but as I'll see him then it felt like something to focus on in a way..I know that sounds silly but that's why I felt like just a couple of text conversations and maybe a phone call between now and December might be ok - is that really too much contact or too difficult to handle?

 

I mean, he doesn't have to reply when I message him anyway does he? And I kind of want to prove to him and myself that I won't go crazy with impatience if he takes a while to reply and text him after 2 hours asking what's up...I sort of want to make sure I CAN be easy going about it all.

 

Having said that, I did send him a message on facebook this morning...I said that I was glad he managed to come over last night and I kind of enjoyed seeing and chatting to him in a slightly more relaxes way, with him not being as visibly stressed as he had been the night before, I also said I wanted him to know that I do 'get it' and the times he's said he needs me to leave him alone for good then changed his mind 2 seconds later, he probably did mean it; and that last night when he said he didn't know to my question of whether we had any chance of anything in the future, he was saying it just to get me out of his hair. I told him I cared about him and was sad that he felt that way, but he can't help his feelings and had done the best he could in all ways.

 

I said a little bit about how I hoped the stress at work eased and that I would respect his need for space, I hoped that he would feel a slight weight off his shoulders and that I would like to be able to text occasionally and maybe meet in the future if and when he's ready, but I know that at the moment he feels that is unlikely so I won't push it.

 

I also told him that if he needs me to not contact him at all to say so, but if he was willing to hold fire and see whether I can stick to my word and back off, not harass and pester him and just be more easy going about contacting him, then I'd appreciate it.

 

I then asked that if I do text him in the future and he is sure he doesn't want to speak to me, not to reply. I asked him not to reply just to be polite or so as not to hurt my feelings, as I'd rather he replied only if he actually wants to speak to me.

 

Then I just wished him luck and said there was no need for him to reply.

 

I did check on the message a while ago and it has been read, and I feel a bit better now knowing he knows what I'm going to do, what I expect from him with regards to replying if I text.

 

You all think that was a silly message to send though, don't you?

 

It made me feel a bit better now though about just getting on with things and not contacting him just yet, but I really think I will text him in a couple of weeks, maybe around his birthday in mid Sept to say happy birthday...and then leave it until November time. But maybe I'll feel differently when that time comes and I won't want to text him or won't see the need, I don't know.

 

ETA: Just thought - I lost my phone last week, I've deliberately held off on getting a new one as it's only ever really been him that texts me (everyone else including family phones my home phone or gets me on facebook) ... I can still message him using those free sms websites or on Facebook (which is how I've been doing it the past few days) but if he wanted to contact me, he could only ever message me on FB as he has my old number.

So if I went completely NC and in time he wanted to speak to me, he wouldn't really be able to unless he messaged me on facebook :/

Edited September 7, 2013 by gothicrose

[BC1980]

I also told him that if he needs me to not contact him at all to say so, but if he was willing to hold fire and see whether I can stick to my word and back off, not harass and pester him and just be more easy going about contacting him, then I'd appreciate it.

 

It made me feel a bit better now though about just getting on with things and not contacting him just yet, but I really think I will text him in a couple of weeks, maybe around his birthday in mid Sept to say happy birthday...and then leave it until November time. But maybe I'll feel differently when that time comes and I won't want to text him or won't see the need, I don't know.

 

Do you realize that it took you only a couple of hours to go back on what you said and write him another long, emotional, pestering message?

 

So it made you feel better to message him? I wonder how that message you just sent made him feel?

[gothicrose]

Do you realize that it took you only a couple of hours to go back on what you said and write him another long, emotional, pestering message?

 

So it made you feel better to message him? I wonder how that message you just sent made him feel?

 

What do you mean a couple of hours?

 

I made the promise to back off IN the message to him and haven't contacted him since. And I said it on here of that's what you mean, after I'd sent that message; as I wrote and sent it to him at about 8.30 this morning (my time).

 

I very much doubt he thought anything of it to be honest.

 

And what do you mean pestering and emotional?

[Mariposa10]

You ALREADY sent him a message on Facebook? Wow.... You're too much blah, blah, blah, you need to start acting. How long has this been happening, you harassing him??? I've done it, I think it's ok to do it the first week after the break up, but if it's been longer than a week, something is really really wrong. You need to STOP. This is not even funny.

 

You probably don't see it right now, but you look VERY unattractive. In the future when you look back, you'll regret it. If I were him, I'd probably be scared of you. I'm serious. You need to leave him alone, please. Wait for him to initiate contact. Why can't you wait for that? Do you always act like this or is it because you really like this guy? or because you're having a hard time. What's going on??? You need to get to the bottom of this and fix it. I don't want to be too hard on you because I know you feel sad, but you have to see things the way they are, NOT THE WAY THEY ARE IN YOUR HEAD.

[BC1980]

What do you mean a couple of hours?

 

I made the promise to back off IN the message to him and haven't contacted him since. And I said it on here of that's what you mean, after I'd sent that message; as I wrote and sent it to him at about 8.30 this morning (my time).

 

I very much doubt he thought anything of it to be honest.

 

And what do you mean pestering and emotional?

 

I thought you made the promise to back off when you saw him last night. If so, then you didn't keep your promise because you messaged him the next morning.

 

That Facebook message was more emotional stuff, and you are pestering him. You have said several times that he felt you continued on and on to get him to explain himself, and it drove him nut. So he flat out told you to your face that you are annoying the h*ll out of him.

 

Is it so bad that you really need to send these messages to this man and act this desperate? You should never put yourself in this desperate position. You are showing how little regard you have for yourself, and that is such a turn off. But seriously, get some self esteem back and move on. You really don't need to lower yourself to asking a man over to your house to keep rehashing the same sh*t. Try looking at it from that angle for a change.

[Simon Phoenix]

Leave this guy alone. You said you have kids? Concentrate on them and stop bothering this guy.

[BC1980]

Leave this guy alone. You said you have kids? Concentrate on them and stop bothering this guy.

 

I'm always shocked when adult women act this way. I mean, this is stuff I pulled at age 20 and didn't even take it to this extent. But OP, you are a grown woman with children. Time to get some self-esteem like I said previously. The behavior you have displayed is unacceptable and down right embarrassing.

 

You really are worth more than acting this way. It just makes me sad to see women act like this.

[gothicrose]

You ALREADY sent him a message on Facebook? Wow.... You're too much blah, blah, blah, you need to start acting. How long has this been happening, you harassing him??? I've done it, I think it's ok to do it the first week after the break up, but if it's been longer than a week, something is really really wrong. You need to STOP. This is not even funny.

 

You probably don't see it right now, but you look VERY unattractive. In the future when you look back, you'll regret it. If I were him, I'd probably be scared of you. I'm serious. You need to leave him alone, please. Wait for him to initiate contact. Why can't you wait for that? Do you always act like this or is it because you really like this guy? or because you're having a hard time. What's going on??? You need to get to the bottom of this and fix it. I don't want to be too hard on you because I know you feel sad, but you have to see things the way they are, NOT THE WAY THEY ARE IN YOUR HEAD.

 

Yes but Mariposa, only 4 days ago you were seeking advice yourself and being told to leave it. You were pasting articles that you thought would help so clearly you're not over your ex, are you?

 

Your last sentence...I bet someone was thinking the same about you only a few days ago! You can't have come on that much in such a short space of time.

 

You really don't need to lower yourself to asking a man over to your house to keep rehashing the same sh*t.

 

I agree, which is why I'm trying to change that.

[Mariposa10]

Yes but Mariposa, only 4 days ago you were seeking advice yourself and being told to leave it. You were pasting articles that you thought would help so clearly you're not over your ex, are you?

 

Your last sentence...I bet someone was thinking the same about you only a few days ago! You can't have come on that much in such a short space of time.

 

 

 

I agree, which is why I'm trying to change that.

 

 

I'm confused, I don't know if I'm over my ex or not, after all we were together for 4 almost 5 years. But I do know one thing, thanks to all the people who were being honest, is that being clingy, needy makes you very unattractive. I texted my ex like CRAZY the first week of the breakup. He has NEVER ever asked me to leave him alone. The opposite actually, however to be honest I don't know what's worst to be asked to be left alone or someone leading you on. Believe me, I'm not attacking you, I know how you feel. But please see things from a different angle, you need to let this man BREATHE. Ask one of your family members to watch your kids for one night, go out with your friends, have some fun!

 

When someone wants to be left alone, there's nothing you can do. My question here is how long has this been going on??? It's ok, but at some point we have to stop.