Author gothicrose Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Well. Before he went away he was still saying he was confused about his feelings and needed to work out what he wanted and how he felt, so that was just over 2 weeks ago. He's been saying it off and on for months though, really; pretty much solidly since about July he's been saying he needs to be on his own but his reasons kept changing - one minute he'd be saying he is emotionally empty so just can't give anything in a relationship, then was saying he couldn't be bothered, then he was scared of getting hurt again, but alongside that he was going through phases of saying he didn't know if he was just being a coward and should just go for it with me, and other slightly positive things so I suppose I should have wised up a lot sooner and just taken the decision for him...but I wanted to believe he'd come round eventually. Trouble is, I kept arguing and nagging at him every time he came around, so I'll never know if it was that which caused things to go this way, or he just never would have felt enough anyway. Maybe that's what bothers me so much.
JourneyLady Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 This morning when I phoned, he said he wasn't going to come over on Thursday - or ever - as he can't be bothered and because his feelings have disappeared, he isn't attracted to me any more, wants nothing more to do with me as I "ruined it" yesterday by arguing with him. In other words, his way or the highway... It's called "Gaslighting" honey - look it up. If an argument can make his feelings "disappear" then they weren't really there to begin with. He saw you as having some kind of benefit (sex, money, arm candy?) and then decided it would be too much work. His feelings about YOU weren't that strong. Let him go or it won't be the last time you are hurting.
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Trouble is, I kept arguing and nagging at him every time he came around, so I'll never know if it was that which caused things to go this way, or he just never would have felt enough anyway. Maybe that's what bothers me so much. You will never know, so it doesn't really matter. If nagging bothered him, then the only way to prove him wrong is to leave him alone. Really, just leave him completely alone. He might contact you again, but, if he doesn't, it will be okay. I would start to focus my energy on meeting someone else and not repeating the same mistakes. Take it as a lesson learned because that's all you can do. We've all had to do that at some point.
Author gothicrose Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Me again... Why can't I stop pestering this guy, what's wrong with me? Since my last update, I spent a lot of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday texting and phoning him, asking him why he is acting this way as only a month ago he was still coming to see me. And seeming to enjoy my company, too. He kept telling me to leave him alone, that he wasn't interested in me, he liked me and as no idea after the way I have been acting recently, but I'm too young for him and have kids that he dissent want to be "saddled with"...then added that if he felt enough for me all that wouldn't matter...but he doesn't love me. A little later he said my best chance was to leave him alone for six months, then I asked if he would meet me this week for a coffee and a chat, he said "no maybe in two or three months". Later on yesterday, I asked him to meet me this week for ten minutes so I could apologise properly, he said he would come round on Friday. I realise that's pointless, but my questions are why the heck can't I stop harassing the poor guy...what's wrong with me...? How can he say he likes me as a person but doesn't want anything to do with me and why did he agree to come over on Friday if he doesn't want anything more to do with me? Even if I pestered him, why not just ignore me?
Mariposa10 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Me again... Why can't I stop pestering this guy, what's wrong with me? Since my last update, I spent a lot of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday texting and phoning him, asking him why he is acting this way as only a month ago he was still coming to see me. And seeming to enjoy my company, too. He kept telling me to leave him alone, that he wasn't interested in me, he liked me and as no idea after the way I have been acting recently, but I'm too young for him and have kids that he dissent want to be "saddled with"...then added that if he felt enough for me all that wouldn't matter...but he doesn't love me. A little later he said my best chance was to leave him alone for six months, then I asked if he would meet me this week for a coffee and a chat, he said "no maybe in two or three months". Later on yesterday, I asked him to meet me this week for ten minutes so I could apologise properly, he said he would come round on Friday. I realise that's pointless, but my questions are why the heck can't I stop harassing the poor guy...what's wrong with me...? How can he say he likes me as a person but doesn't want anything to do with me and why did he agree to come over on Friday if he doesn't want anything more to do with me? Even if I pestered him, why not just ignore me? I can have an idea of how hard it is to be a single mother. My sister is a single mother even if I have always helped her and my family too, it's still really hard for her to date etc being a single mother. It complicates many things. However, if this guy says he wants to be left alone you need to leave him alone. How old is he and how old are you?? He ignores you and every now and then he pays some attention to you because he feels pity or might get sex. Please see things from his perspective, if I were him I would kind of scared of you and would have pity to. I don't want to be harsh with you, but you need to see the way things really are. You need to get a new # and get rid of the old one, you need to get rid of any temptations to text/call him. Why don't you look for some kind of support group you can attend? Like a codependency group or something, I don't think you can do this own your own... 1
lylat333 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I know you know it but you're in a real bad place right now - while he's in the most comfortable position he could possibly be in. imo some of what he says may not be how he really feels. He may act flippant and say he doesn't love you anymore and would be fine with not seeing you for the next 2 or 3 months but the truth is he probably revels in the attention like most anyone would in his position. Forgive me as I haven't followed this thread in recent past I think it's very clear you need to start doing a 180, I mean a hard 180. Personally I would cancel the coffee chat, (even though you may be dying to talk to him more than anything) forget "apologizing properly" as it will do nothing but dig you a deeper hole and give him exactly what he thinks he wants and what YOU need, NC. It seems counter-intuitive but you have got to starve the beast and stop showering him with all of this attention and neediness. It will get worse if you don't, don't expect a miraculous epiphany to happen. Please put some very serious consideration into doing something completely different to start getting out of this mess. Cancel, disappear, stop giving away yourself to someone who is telling you they're not interested in you and want nothing to do with you and take it from there.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Cancel the coffee and stop contacting him. You are a mother with children -- this is now how you act. Leave him alone and focus on your children and don't contact him.
Mariposa10 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Cancel the coffee and stop contacting him. You are a mother with children -- this is now how you act. Leave him alone and focus on your children and don't contact him. I wouldn't say focus on your children. I would say focus ON YOURSELF right now. Children can feel when parents are stressed out, they get stressed out too.When they see you suffer, the suffer and they do notice even if you think they don't, they do. Ask your family to help you, maybe they can watch your children one of these days and you can go out with your friends, have some fun! Healthy fun, I'm not saying you should go out drinking (you might even go crazy and call your ex when you are drunk) Just dress nicely and go out with your girlfriends, have fun!! Again, I know how hard it is for a single mother. Does the father of your children help you with the children?
Author gothicrose Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Well he showed his true colours... He text saying he would come over, stay I his van and leave after ten minutes, I replied saying he had treated me appallingly and why he had to twist the knife by not talking reasonably about things, I didn't know. He shot back that my behaviour has been disgusting, doesn't hate me but just doesn't want to see me and when I asked to phone him, he said hif he answered the phone then he wouldn't come to see me "your choice". Seemed so childish and I don't think there's any doubt that he does hate me...
Mariposa10 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Well he showed his true colours... He text saying he would come over, stay I his van and leave after ten minutes, I replied saying he had treated me appallingly and why he had to twist the knife by not talking reasonably about things, I didn't know. He shot back that my behaviour has been disgusting, doesn't hate me but just doesn't want to see me and when I asked to phone him, he said hif he answered the phone then he wouldn't come to see me "your choice". Seemed so childish and I don't think there's any doubt that he does hate me... You're being childish, so he's being like that thinking that maybe that's how you'll understand? You need to stop with all this calling and texting. In the future you'll regret all this... You know you can stop, right? Get a new #, that's all. Delete his # You can fix this mess, it's all about whether you want to or not.
Author gothicrose Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I just wanted to get on with him! He must hate me, otherwise why act this way? I really don't think its just him reflecting m behaviour back onto me..
Simon Phoenix Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Well he showed his true colours... He text saying he would come over, stay I his van and leave after ten minutes, I replied saying he had treated me appallingly and why he had to twist the knife by not talking reasonably about things, I didn't know. He shot back that my behaviour has been disgusting, doesn't hate me but just doesn't want to see me and when I asked to phone him, he said hif he answered the phone then he wouldn't come to see me "your choice". Seemed so childish and I don't think there's any doubt that he does hate me... What the hell are you thinking? STOP!!!!!!!
Mariposa10 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I feel like soon he's gonna get a restraining order...
Zahara Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I just wanted to get on with him! He must hate me, otherwise why act this way? I really don't think its just him reflecting m behaviour back onto me.. I don't think he hates you. I think he's very turned off by you. No man wants to deal with a woman like this. 1
BC1980 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Well he showed his true colours... He text saying he would come over, stay I his van and leave after ten minutes, I replied saying he had treated me appallingly and why he had to twist the knife by not talking reasonably about things, I didn't know. He shot back that my behaviour has been disgusting, doesn't hate me but just doesn't want to see me and when I asked to phone him, he said hif he answered the phone then he wouldn't come to see me "your choice". Seemed so childish and I don't think there's any doubt that he does hate me... This man has been beyond patient with you. He's really tried to ask you nicely to leave him alone. You said you were going to leave him alone last week, and you didn't.
Author gothicrose Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 Yes I know that...but maybe rather than being patient, he was actually just after sex? He did come round in the end, turned up at 8 as promised and at first I stood outside with him, then it started raining so we went into the kitchen. I had said somethng about not wanting to be this way and he said "come here" and pulled me towards him, kissing me. I kind of resisted and he looked upset, saying that I had told him the other day all I want to do is hold him, but when he tries I don't want to. He kept trying though, as well as saying he does still have quite strong feelings for me and I'm the only one he is tempted to kiss, he does miss me and still checks for messages from me but its just the pestering he can't handle. We did have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, he kept saying things like "oh babe, you have no idea about my feelings do you?". Not long before he left, he said that I could ask him over anytime but if he says no, don't keep on but ask again in a couple of weeks. He said he can't see us having a future and gave the main reason as his insecurity and that he has messed up so many relationships, been hurt and.hurt others and doesn't want to go through it again, second reason was the barriers in the way...age, the fact his sister who is also his boss at school doesn't like me much, he's not sure if he can handle my young children...he said too that he's generally down and stressed about work and life at the moment. So. I have no idea if any of what he said was true or just bull to get me into bed, he seemed genuine but I do know that everyone was right and that NC is the way to go, at least for a few weeks.
Mariposa10 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Yes I know that...but maybe rather than being patient, he was actually just after sex? He did come round in the end, turned up at 8 as promised and at first I stood outside with him, then it started raining so we went into the kitchen. I had said somethng about not wanting to be this way and he said "come here" and pulled me towards him, kissing me. I kind of resisted and he looked upset, saying that I had told him the other day all I want to do is hold him, but when he tries I don't want to. He kept trying though, as well as saying he does still have quite strong feelings for me and I'm the only one he is tempted to kiss, he does miss me and still checks for messages from me but its just the pestering he can't handle. We did have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, he kept saying things like "oh babe, you have no idea about my feelings do you?". Not long before he left, he said that I could ask him over anytime but if he says no, don't keep on but ask again in a couple of weeks. He said he can't see us having a future and gave the main reason as his insecurity and that he has messed up so many relationships, been hurt and.hurt others and doesn't want to go through it again, second reason was the barriers in the way...age, the fact his sister who is also his boss at school doesn't like me much, he's not sure if he can handle my young children...he said too that he's generally down and stressed about work and life at the moment. So. I have no idea if any of what he said was true or just bull to get me into bed, he seemed genuine but I do know that everyone was right and that NC is the way to go, at least for a few weeks. How old are you guys? He has already told you that he doesn't see a future with you, period. There's nothing else to analyze. Don't forget that there are more people out there, he's not the only one...
BC1980 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 He flat out said he sees no future. Why do you continue to pursue this? He's telling you he doesn't like the pestering, so leave him alone. You sent him that Facebook message about giving him space, then called him a few days later. So now he won't take you seriously at all. This is so beyond repair IMO. You've made way too many mistakes to be able to repair this. Coming off as emotionally needy is one of the worst things you can do. It's very unattractive.
Author gothicrose Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Well the other night he seemed more confused again, but maybe he was just after sex and I just read too much into it. He did say he thought I'd contact him the next morning...and that he found it funny sometimes that I always seemed to know when he had just woken up. I haven't contacted him since he came over on Thursday...OK so its only a couple of days but at least its a start. I admit though, I don't get why he keeps saying "you have no idea how I feel about you, do you?" Because he always says it in response to me being truthful and saying I know there's really nothing between us. Thursday was the last time he has said that too since a couple of months ago when he was confused about his feelings but was still saying we had a chance. A lot of the things he said on Thursday were things I hadn't heard for a while, which is why I took them as positive. At one point we were joking around about something and he came out with "see? This is the side of you I really like...its lovely". I'm not going to contact him this next week though....the following week I might but I hope by then I won't feel like it and can just go BC.
shortee Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 First of all, why do you only contact him and he never contacts you? He says If you ask him and he says no, ask him a couple weeks? How do you know hes not seeing someone else and he has you on the hook. Dont ask him out. Let him ask you. He isnt into you, but he knows you will be there if he cant get other women. He said there was no future. So dont go to him. You need to leave him alone and let him come to you.
Author gothicrose Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 So considering a week ago and even a few hours before he was due to come over on Thursday he was saying he didn't want to see me, didn't have feelings for me etc and then when he actually came over acted totally differently...was a really acting more like he had been a couple of months ago when he was telling me he thought we had a chance, do you think he was just trying to get be into bed? Its just he keeps saying he's not that type...and he's over 40 let's put it that way, so not like he's into bed hopping and trying to sow his oats. Another thing he said on Thursday was that as well as being generally confused and stressed about life in general and not wanting another failed relationship, he said he never really had a chance to grieve for the last relationship he had (we met each other while he was in a LDR, he was having doubts about moving over to be with her when he met me, we got. Lose and then he expressed his doubts to her and she ended it...a week later we were together) as I was there, so he feels he needs time to come to terms with that. On Thursday he said he does miss seeing me and only said he didn't as he is very attracted to me when he sees me, and he doesn't want to end up in bed with me if we aren't together. He also see.end up for coming to see me sometimes, which is a change from what he was saying earlier that day... I don't know if he's still confused or just saying what he thinks I want to hear? But either way I'm going to stop the pestering and act a bit more sane from now on! :-)
shortee Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 (edited) Reading more its obvious this guy is just playing games and isnt very nice. He only cares about sex not you. Stop calling and texting him. He treats tou like crap and that will only get worse. Edited September 15, 2013 by shortee
lylat333 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Glad to hear you feel more sane, gothicrose but the contact is pretty messed up. When my ex and I were in limbo I expressed doubt about the future. At first I could really picture myself with her, I loved her but when we had issues I said, "I've heard that when you're with the right person you just know, but I worry because I don't feel like, 'I know'". In a way telling her I'm uncertain about the future... but she stuck around and looking back I think this was very bad for us. (though I was in genuine doubt and confusion) It was comforting at the time but especially when someone tells you they straight up see no future with you, do not take it lightly. You've really got to amp up the self-respect and make the guy get his **** together before he enjoys any of your companionship. I do get the impression this has a lot to do with sex... especially the grabbing. Forget when he says he doesn't want to end up in bed with you if you're not together... that's really a pretty shallow attempt make himself look more dignified than he really is and imo an insincere attempt at trying to show respect for you. My speculation is he hasn't made enough headway with other women to drop you as an option, so he plays these games to keep you in the picture. I know it's hard but I would drop these dynamics like a bad habit. The line that upset me the most is, "you have no idea how I feel about you, do you?" Why would he say such a cowardly thing to someone he knows he has on the line? Honestly I think if you drop him like you mean it, he'll come running back at some point because he doesn't have much going. Or he doesn't really care about you... either way... I think this is bringing you down and I agree w/ shortee that it's only going to get worse. 2
Author gothicrose Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Thanks lylat.....I was actually reading your thread earlier on and taking note of how to do the nc thing properly Call me naive, but I believe he's not seeing any other woman. He's 59...I know being older doesn't necessarily mean he's not one to sleep around but I just believe him on that. He's quite a loner. He has asked me to give him nc for two weeks as he has coursework to do as the exam is at the end of the month...he said he really does want us to be friends and meet up sometimes for coffee and see if we can actually get on for more than two minutes....to be fair I havent ever given us a chance to get on as I keep bugging him and turning up at his house. I'll do the nc, when it gets to the start of October I would like to ask him to come and see me (as he says he wants to after the two weeks) so we could have a positive experience without either arguing or having sex, then go very limited contact or nc. But I'm sort of hoping that by this two weeks is over, I won't want to contact him at all. Haven't thought about him today or wanted to contact him, which hopefully is a good sign
lylat333 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 No problem. I am still learning what NC is all about myself. I don't think you're naive, but a saying I think there's some truth to is a person is only as loyal as their options. NC sounds great, but it doesn't sound like NC if you are planning on asking him out after 2 weeks! For one thing you shouldn't be initiating contact and also 2 weeks isn't enough time, I imagine you will give in and contact him when that time comes. Definitely nix the idea of sex... imo trust that he is the one who has the issues to iron out. If you don't contact him for 2-3 weeks I imagine he will reach out - and I imagine they will be breadcrumbs! It's going to take more for him to stop thinking he has you on call and for you to get out of the current situation. It's a good sign you haven't thought of him or wanted to contact him, but it's an ebb/flow thing. Resist for a while... people like us need to work on having a fulfilling life without someone else in it. I haven't heard from my ex in 53 days and I'm just now starting to have passing feelings of being my old self, the great person I was when I met my ex. Stay strong, gothicrose, wishing you the best.
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