I've Done Bad, But What Is To Come?

[sammysam]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hi,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I hope I put this under the right section. I’m going to put the whole story out here andjust start from the beginning:[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’m early twenties and I’ve been married for a couple years(got married right out of high school after dating for over three years). He was the only guy I dated and first guy Ihad sex with. While in high school, Ibecame really good friends another guy. I would’ve considered him my best friend. He and I talked about everything, and I feltvery comfortable telling him my secrets about myself, my relationship, and myhome life. He even confided in metoo. Once my Junior year came, he and Iwere flirting regularly (sending pictures and naughty texts), but we never didanything physical together. In my Senioryear we finally did, and my then-fiancé found out about it. He told me to cut off ties with him (my bestfriend), etc etc. And that following summerwe got married.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We moved out, I started college and he started gradschool. Before we had gotten married, wedecided upon divvying up chores etc. Weagreed that he would read through mail, pay bills, take out trash, put awaydishes; and I would file mail, wash dishes (we had no dishwasher), cook, dolaundry, and clean the apartment. Everything started off great; I’d wash the dishes and directly hand themto him to dry and put away, and he’d stay on top of the trash (and Ilaundry/cleaning). But then everythingjust went downhill.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Some backstory: when he and I first started dating, heplayed poker regularly as a way to make extra cash (and don’t get me wrong, itvery much works [since he nor I have a job, it pays for our bills, as doesstudent loans]. He played all the time,at least every other day late into the evening. And when we were dating I guess I never really noticed how much heplayed because we weren’t living together. Well once we were in the same apartment, I began to notice howfrequently he was gone. And while he didtell me every time he’d go, I would protest sometimes and say “maybe you shouldstay home tonight, you could always lose money”. And it got to the point where it didn’t feellike he’d take my opinion into account; he would just ignore me and go anyways,so I stopped protesting.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It got to the point (midway or so through our first year ofmarriage) where he was either at school or playing poker. I rarely ever saw him. And when he was home he was more than likelysleeping or studying. So naturally heslacked off on all his chores (and common decency chores like taking your dishto the sink, picking up after yourself, etc.), and I was the one who had to dothem (all but pay bills, he handled that still [if we could, because sometimeswe never had enough money to pay]).[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So I was a fulltime student, struggling through classes(getting A’s may I add though because I devote so much time to it), and takingcare of everything in the house. I wasstressed and overworked. I voiced myconcerns to him about it, but he just brushed it aside or said he’d be morehelpful around the house (and he wouldn’t change at all), so I stoppedmentioning the problems I had with the way life was going. It wasn’t so much that I hated doingeverything (like pick up after him, wash the dishes, dry the dishes, put themway, pick up his laundry, do the laundry, fold the laundry, clean the wholeapartment which wasn’t that tiny, and cook [even though I hate it]), I justwished that he would listen to my concerns and help out, and the fact he didn’tshowed that he didn’t care about my feelings, that he didn’t appreciate me.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Summer came and I got a fulltime job, as did he, and stillhe played poker, and I was still doing all the chores and cooking. He would be gone nearly every weekend playingpoker. I can recall asking when he’d behome (say on a Friday night), and he’d say midnight. And then two a.m. would come and he’d stillnot be home (most of the time I stayed home because I only had a fewfriends). I’d ask him again when he’d beback, and he’d say half an hour. I’d goto bed and wake up at 6 or 7 a.m. and he’d not be in bed next to me; he’d gethome an hour or so later. I’d get up forthe day, and he’d be sleeping in until late in the afternoon/evening. So it was like, even when he wasn’t playingpoker, he and I still weren’t hanging out because he was catching up on sleep.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I can recall those days being rather dull anduneventful. To pass the time I hadalone, I created an online dating profile as a single college kid just to havepeople to talk to when I was bored. Andit was entertaining and fun. I justtalked about random, useless things with people (like music, movies, news, etc.)and sometimes we’d flirt.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]At the end of the summer, we transferred schools and movedstates (leaving behind all my friends and family). We had to move into a much smaller apartmentmuch farther from our campuses because the cost of living in the area is veryhigh. On average our commute (which Idrive) takes about 1.25 hours each way, sometimes reaching close to 2 hoursduring rush hour traffic.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Sum up: basically we’ve been married a year, he spends mostof his time with poker or school and completely neglects me and hischores; I spend most of my time withschool then with chores, and I’ve been conversing online with other guys.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Once we started school in the new area, everything just gotworse because of the commute and the ridiculous increase in class difficulty (Iswitched to a harder major and a harder/more prestigious school). My days consist of waking up around 7,driving to his school and dropping him off, going to my school and class, doinghomework between classes, going to more classes, more homework, picking him up,driving home and getting there at about 7 or so in the evening, cooking dinner,more homework, then bed, repeat. It ismiserable. And still, in his free timehe plays poker.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Don’t get me wrong, he makes money off poker, and he is hereto hang out a good bit of time, but when he and I do hang out, it’s justplaying video games or watching movies at home. I will mention we have been eating out a lot more as of late because Ijust don’t have time to cook with so much time devoted to school. But even as the school year continued, I’doccasionally mention the problems I have with him playing poker so much (itbecame a problem when we’d be just fine financially, but he’d want to go tomake just a little bit more, and sometimes he would make more, but it was neverenough and he’d keep going and eventually lose, and then we’d be back where westarted only worse so we’d have to skip bill payments). And still, he never listened to my concerns.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hanging out with him became boring and monotonous. Always the same thing. So I finally decided to meet up with a guy ortwo I’d been online talking to. None ofthem knew I was married, and so I guess these meet-ups were dates (they’d evenpay). The first few that I saw I neverdid anything physical with. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It’s March time now (about a year and a half into themarriage), and I finally find a guy that’s really pretty fun to hang outwith. We’d meet up multiple times hereand there, get lunch, go bowling, watch movies; and eventually we got physicaland had sex. During this time, I waschatting with another guy.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]School ends and summer comes (I get an internship as does he),and I’m still chatting with lots of guys online, and I even meet up with the“another guy” a few times. Things sortof fizzled out with the first guy, but the second guy and I hit things offpretty well. Sometimes when my husbandwould be gone playing poker for the weekend, I’d spend the night at the secondguy’s apartment. And it was fun. I had a good time with him, and the sex wasrather enjoyable. (I will say that sexwith my husband was never really a problem; seeing as we are both young it’sstill good. But sex with this second guywas just more catered to me [if that makes sense. Like we both enjoyed the samethings]).[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]At the start of summer, I started talking to a third guy(keep in mind I never met him until a week ago). And the relationship that developed was verymuch like that of the relationship I had with my best friend in high school(although this third kid didn’t know I was married). But still, he and I talked about ourproblems, and we tried to help each other through them. He and I flirted and sexted eventually, too;I became very attached to this kid. Hehad a sort of control over me. After afew months of talking (this was about three weeks ago) with this third kid, Icouldn’t take lying to him anymore, so I told him everything. What ensued is quite possibly the mostemotional trail of events ever.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]In sum: the third guy at first hated me (as he should); hecalled me names and put me down (whore, slut, scum, filth, ****, etc.). Then he said he’d try to help me become afaithful wife. Then he’d change his mindand call me **** again. And he’d eventry to convince me to go back to the way we were, sexting and everything. And I’d say “no I want to change”, and he’dgive in and go back to “oh I’ll help you”. Then he’d change his mind and ask for pictures, and eventually I gave inand we went back. And the day after, hetold me that he had plans and I “wasn’t in them”. He proceeded not to talk to me for a week,until he texted me saying he was sorry for leaving me like that and that hewanted to help me.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He asked for my email passwords (so he could monitor that Iwouldn’t email anyone), and after resisting, I finally gave him the info. This was around the time he and I first met(I met him on my way to my home state to see my family for a week). We just sat in the car and talked. He managed to get my phone and take myhusband’s cell number out of it. Ibegged him to not tell my husband anything and to just give me a chance tochange my ways, and after toying with me, he promised he wouldn’t. However the next day, he messaged my husbandanonymously, telling him everything.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]At first my husband thought it was a joke, but eventuallythings panned out (like the lies I had been telling him that no one else wouldknow). He called and confronted me aboutit, and I confessed it all. At first hesaid we were over, then he changed his mind and decided to stay, as long as weboth fixed our problems. He told me thatI have to stop talking to anyone I had been talking to, that I have to be moreopen and honest on a day-to-day basis, and have to start communicatingbetter. And I told him that I wasn’thappy in our marriage. That I feltoverworked, used, and unappreciated. Andhe said that he would fix those things. But he had said that before.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It’s been a week since he found everything out; I justreturned home last night. I amcompletely confused on what to do. Idon’t know if I’m even in love with my husband or even love him anymore. I wonder if he’ll change, and whether or nothe does, I wonder if I’ll even be happy. I thought the best thing to do was give us a chance, but I don’t know ifI want to be with him. I don’t want tostop talking to the third guy, I enjoy our conversations so much. I feel so lost and sad.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Advice and words of wisdom?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[Philosoraptor]

It doesn't seem like you are very happy. If you want to save your marriage, you will need to stop talking to all of these guys and no longer talk to anyone but your husband in a romantic way. It's going to be a lot of work to fix this relationship. You're either in it 100% or not at all.

 

If this freedom and other men are more important than your marriage then you need to get a divorce and let your husband have a chance to move on.

[sammysam]

{If this makes it easier to read?}

 

I hope I put this under the right section. I’m going to put the whole story out here and just start from the beginning:

 

I’m early twenties and I’ve been married for a couple years got married right out of high school after dating for over three years). He was the only guy I dated and first guy I had sex with. While in high school, I became really good friends with another guy. I would’ve considered him my best friend. He and I talked about everything, and I felt very comfortable telling him my secrets about myself, my relationship, and my home life. He even confided in me too. Once my Junior year came, he and I were flirting regularly (sending pictures and naughty texts), but we never did anything physical together. In my Senior year we finally did, and my then-fiancé found out about it. He told me to cut off ties with him (my bestfriend), etc etc. And that following summer we got married.

 

We moved out, I started college and he started grad school. Before we had gotten married, we decided upon divvying up chores etc. We agreed that he would read through mail, pay bills, take out trash, put awaydishes; and I would file mail, wash dishes (we had no dishwasher), cook, do laundry, and clean the apartment. Everything started off great; I’d wash the dishes and directly hand them to him to dry and put away, and he’d stay on top of the trash (and I laundry/cleaning). But then everything just went downhill.

 

Some backstory: when he and I first started dating, he played poker regularly as a way to make extra cash (and don’t get me wrong, it very much works [since he nor I have a job, it pays for our bills, as does student loans]. He played all the time, at least every other day late into the evening. And when we were dating I guess I never really noticed how much he played because we weren’t living together. Well once we were in the same apartment, I began to notice how frequently he was gone. And while he did tell me every time he’d go, I would protest sometimes and say “maybe you should stay home tonight, you could always lose money”. And it got to the point where it didn’t feel like he’d take my opinion into account; he would just ignore me and go anyways, so I stopped protesting.

 

It got to the point (midway or so through our first year of marriage) where he was either at school or playing poker. I rarely ever saw him. And when he was home he was more than likely sleeping or studying. So naturally he slacked off on all his chores (and common decency chores like taking your dish to the sink, picking up after yourself, etc.), and I was the one who had to do them (all but pay bills, he handled that still [if we could, because sometimes we never had enough money to pay]).

 

So I was a fulltime student, struggling through classes (getting A’s may I add though because I devote so much time to it), and taking care of everything in the house. I was stressed and overworked. I voiced my concerns to him about it, but he just brushed it aside or said he’d be more helpful around the house (and he wouldn’t change at all), so I stopped mentioning the problems I had with the way life was going. It wasn’t so much that I hated doing everything (like pick up after him, wash the dishes, dry the dishes, put themway, pick up his laundry, do the laundry, fold the laundry, clean the whole apartment which wasn’t that tiny, and cook [even though I hate it]), I just wished that he would listen to my concerns and help out, and the fact he didn’t showed that he didn’t care about my feelings, that he didn’t appreciate me.

 

Summer came and I got a fulltime job, as did he, and still he played poker, and I was still doing all the chores and cooking. He would be gone nearly every weekend playing poker. I can recall asking when he’d be home (say on a Friday night), and he’d say midnight. And then two a.m. would come and he’d still not be home (most of the time I stayed home because I only had a few friends). I’d ask him again when he’d be back, and he’d say half an hour. I’d go to bed and wake up at 6 or 7 a.m. and he’d not be in bed next to me; he’d get home an hour or so later. I’d get up for the day, and he’d be sleeping in until late in the afternoon/evening. So it was like, even when he wasn’t playing poker, he and I still weren’t hanging out because he was catching up on sleep.

 

I can recall those days being rather dull and uneventful. To pass the time I had alone, I created an online dating profile as a single college kid just to have people to talk to when I was bored. And it was entertaining and fun. I just talked about random, useless things with people (like music, movies, news, etc.)and sometimes we’d flirt.

 

At the end of the summer, we transferred schools and moved states (leaving behind all my friends and family). We had to move into a much smaller apartment much farther from our campuses because the cost of living in the area is very high. On average our commute (which I drive) takes about 1.25 hours each way, sometimes reaching close to 2 hours during rush hour traffic.

 

Sum up: basically we’ve been married a year, he spends most of his time with poker or school and completely neglects me and his chores; I spend most of my time with school then with chores, and I’ve been conversing online with other guys.

 

Once we started school in the new area, everything just got worse because of the commute and the ridiculous increase in class difficulty (I switched to a harder major and a harder/more prestigious school). My days consist of waking up around 7, driving to his school and dropping him off, going to my school and class, doing homework between classes, going to more classes, more homework, picking him up, driving home and getting there at about 7 or so in the evening, cooking dinner, more homework, then bed, repeat. It is miserable. And still, in his free time he plays poker.

 

Don’t get me wrong, he makes money off poker, and he is here to hang out a good bit of time, but when he and I do hang out, it’s just playing video games or watching movies at home. I will mention we have been eating out a lot more as of late because I just don’t have time to cook with so much time devoted to school. But even as the school year continued, I’d occasionally mention the problems I have with him playing poker so much (it became a problem when we’d be just fine financially, but he’d want to go tomake just a little bit more, and sometimes he would make more, but it was never enough and he’d keep going and eventually lose, and then we’d be back where we started only worse so we’d have to skip bill payments). And still, he never listened to my concerns.

 

Hanging out with him became boring and monotonous. Always the same thing. So I finally decided to meet up with a guy or two I’d been online talking to. None of them knew I was married, and so I guess these meet-ups were dates (they’d evenpay). The first few that I saw I never did anything physical with.

 

It’s March time now (about a year and a half into themarriage), and I finally find a guy that’s really pretty fun to hang out with. We’d meet up multiple times here and there, get lunch, go bowling, watch movies; and eventually we got physical and had sex. During this time, I was chatting with another guy.

 

School ends and summer comes (I get an internship as does he), and I’m still chatting with lots of guys online, and I even meet up with the “another guy” a few times. Things sort of fizzled out with the first guy, but the second guy and I hit things off pretty well. Sometimes when my husband would be gone playing poker for the weekend, I’d spend the night at the second guy’s apartment. And it was fun. I had a good time with him, and the sex was rather enjoyable. (I will say that sex with my husband was never really a problem; seeing as we are both young it’s still good. But sex with this second guy was just more catered to me [if that makes sense. Like we both enjoyed the same things]).

 

At the start of summer, I started talking to a third guy(keep in mind I never met him until a week ago). And the relationship that developed was very much like that of the relationship I had with my best friend in high school (although this third kid didn’t know I was married). But still, he and I talked about our problems, and we tried to help each other through them. He and I flirted and sexted eventually, too; I became very attached to this kid. He had a sort of control/hold over me. After a few months of talking (this was about three weeks ago) with this third kid, I couldn’t take lying to him anymore, so I told him everything. What ensued is quite possibly the most emotional trail of events ever.

 

In sum: the third guy at first hated me (as he should); he called me names and put me down (whore, slut, scum, filth, crap, etc.). Then he said he’d try to help me become a faithful wife. Then he’d change his mind and call me filth again. And he’d eventry to convince me to go back to the way we were, sexting and everything. And I’d say “no I want to change”, and he’d give in and go back to “oh I’ll help you”. Then he’d change his mind and ask for pictures, and eventually I gave in and we went back. And the day after, he told me that he had plans and I “wasn’t in them”. He proceeded not to talk to me for a week, until he texted me saying he was sorry for leaving me like that and that he wanted to help me.

 

He asked for my email passwords (so he could monitor that I wouldn’t email anyone), and after resisting, I finally gave him the info. This was around the time he and I first met (I met him on my way to my home state to see my family for a week). We just sat in the car and talked. He managed to get my phone and take myhusband’s cell number out of it. I begged him to not tell my husband anything and to just give me a chance to change my ways, and after toying with me, he promised he wouldn’t. However the next day, he messaged my husband anonymously, telling him everything.

 

At first my husband thought it was a joke, but eventually things panned out (like the lies I had been telling him that no one else would know). He called and confronted me about it, and I confessed it all. At first he said we were over, then he changed his mind and decided to stay, as long as we both fixed our problems. He told me that I have to stop talking to anyone I had been talking to, that I have to be more open and honest on a day-to-day basis, and have to start communicating better. And I told him that I wasn’t happy in our marriage. That I felt overworked, used, and unappreciated. And he said that he would fix those things. But he had said that before.

 

It’s been a week since he found everything out; I just returned home last night. I am completely confused on what to do. I don’t know if I’m even in love with my husband or even love him anymore. I wonder if he’ll change, and whether or not he does, I wonder if I’ll even be happy. I thought the best thing to do was give us a chance, but I don’t know if I want to be with him. I don’t want to stop talking to the third guy, I enjoy our conversations so much. I feel so lost and sad.

 

Advice and words of wisdom?

[Silly_Girl]

 

To pass the time I hadalone, I created an online dating profile as a single college kid

 

Please understand that you did this in the hopes of meeting a guy. There are many, many ways to pass the time if one is bored and lonely and for people in a committed relationship this is not one of them.

[BreakOnThrough]

Just end the relationship for crying out loud! You are tying to justify your bad behavior and it's sick. You got married wayyy too young with little experience. You missed "the life" and that's what you really want. No kids, get a divorce and move on.

[DustinTheWind85]

Infidelity takes a ton of work and years to resolve. From what I've read, it doesn't sound like there is much worth saving in this relationship (from an outsiders perspective which may be incorrect). You are unhappy and clearly want to have sex with other men. Even if he is happy and wants to stay, your unhappiness will eventually lead to his unhappiness, as you've seen already.

 

I would also be wary of someone who "get's over" infidelity so quickly. It may or may not be evidence of his own previous infidelity, for one. Regardless, unless he has the mental strength and willpower of superman, he should be going through a whole range of serious emotions right now.

[aliveagain]

Marriages with infidelity this early in the relationship don't do well, the odds are very much against you making it. Your a serial cheater, you need independent counseling to help you find out what's broken in you and to figure out why your husband isn't enough validation for you, why you need validation from other men? Were you abused as a child? Do you have a polar disorder? You do not sound at all remorseful, bad sign. Unless you do the work now I predict your going to be one of those little old ladies that lives alone with 30 cats.

Edited August 31, 2013 by aliveagain
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