This Ones For The Dumpers

[barky2]

I'm curious Barky... What did you say to her and how in a way do you let her know that you want them back?

 

I was thinking of writing a short note to my ex (currently 3rd week NC), just to inform him that I have accepted the end of the relationship and do enjoy whats been happening after the BU... And would like to continue to be in contact with him.

 

What did I say?

 

I'm sure everything you've already said.

 

There's no point ( I know it sucks ) to reach out and tell them how you feel just one more time.

 

3weeks nc isn't enough time.

 

I can see right thru wat your writing to him....just as he will.

 

I left the ball in her court, I love you I want to make this work if you ever change your mind and I'm available let me know.

 

I left it. I lived. I LET GO and MOVED ON. Never for a second thought she contact me.

 

I also wasnt 3 weeks nc more like 3 mins. Lol.

 

 

You've made your point I'm sure for quite awhile.

 

Leave it be, you won't get the response your looking for

 

Be proud of yourself that you didn't , and treat yourself to something....a jog a dress a new pair of shoes....SOMETHING.

 

They will make it very apparent if they want you back....that I promise.

 

Until then , your single and free...so go freaking be single and free

 

 

Barky

[Kimmie80]

Great response, Barky! I love reading your posts. Whenever I find myself vulnerable, I read your stuff. It makes me pick myself back up and keep going. Your right, IF they want us back, they know where to find us. Do you think sometimes they want us back sooner, but don't know how to go about it? Meaning, they know that there were a lot of hurt feelings and worried about how upset we may be?

[tinker683]

I broke up with my ex because she checked out of the relationship 3 months before we broke up but didn't actually make the first month because she was too much of a coward to just end the relationship herself. She kept promising me that if I held on, she would "reward me" for my patience but that she was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time and just didn't have time for me.

 

I also strongly suspect she was overlapping me with another dude considered she jumped into a relationship with the dude shortly after we broke up and she had started hanging around him a lot right around the time she stopped having much to do with me.

 

I blamed myself for the longest time as I kept feeling like it was something I did to cause her to do what she did but I've come to the conclusion that while there were things I could have done better (times I could have been more patient, nicer, not nag as much, etc..) she was ultimately the one who decided not to invest any further effort into the relationship and she was the one who decided to string me along with promises of a relationship once she got her **** together (which I think was a lie given that her life circumstances hadn't changed at all by the time she started dating the other guy) and for me to try accept responsibility for her failings was unfair to me.

 

So...do I regret ending the relationship? No I don't. I miss her but I know that what I had with her I can find with someone else, minus all of her BS. If anything I'm glad I ended it because it was a bad relationship, she wasn't into it anymore and was too much a chickshyte to end it herself, and if I HAD stuck around like a chump hoping that she'd finally come around to deciding I was worth a damn she would have left for me the other dude anyway and what was left of my self esteem would have been decimated. Instead, I took the power back when I decided that I didn't deserve what she was doing to me.

 

It was a bad relationship and it needed to end. I hope she's happy but I don't want anything to do with her anymore and I'm quite content with that proposition.

[barky2]

Great response, Barky! I love reading your posts. Whenever I find myself vulnerable, I read your stuff. It makes me pick myself back up and keep going. Your right, IF they want us back, they know where to find us. Do you think sometimes they want us back sooner, but don't know how to go about it? Meaning, they know that there were a lot of hurt feelings and worried about how upset we may be?

 

I'm glad I can help Kimmie

 

Do I think they don't know how to go about it?

 

Flip the roles, if you wanted him back, wouldn't you know how to do it?

 

Exactly.

 

If someone you hurt and felt bad about doing it, wouldn't you want to make it right?

 

Exactly.

 

You've answered you own questions.

 

If their pride or " don't know how to go about it" stops them from doing it, you don't want them.

 

When I was where everyone else was, I did it all, I tried it all, this girl I've been with for 10years knows me better than I know myself.

 

She knew what I was doing and what I wanted.

 

But she didn't want it...at that point in time.

 

That's what if you've already been in nc for a period of time greater than a week don't break it. BC I'm sure they know.

 

But if its only been a few days then you tell them what u want, then disappear,heal and LET GO.

 

can't stress the let go enough, its so important...for either yourself or reconciliation.

 

Do NOT break nc.

 

They will be obvious when they want you back...not breadcrumbs.

 

I promise you that.

 

Stay strong Kimmie you got this.

 

Ain't no thang but a chicken Wang on a piece of strang

 

 

 

Barky

[Kimmie80]

I know I know the answers. Guess deep down I was hoping to hear something that I wanted to hear. All I can do is hope that one day he will return. He did say that we could try again someday, that our paths will cross again, and that he forgives me. It could very well be just lines to drop me gently. But I like to think that he truly believes this is going to happen. The hardest part of all is not knowing what he is feeling and what his intentions are. I would like to hope that he is thinking of me, and instead of each day that goes by he forgets me, I like to think that it makes him miss me more. Like I am. Im hoping he is also wondering what I am doing. Why I just stopped all of a sudden. Urgh. I am so not a patient person. I heard that guys and girls look at time differently? Meaning, for me, its been 35 days NC and it feels like FOREVER. But for guys, thats nothing. Wonder if thats true?

[barky2]

I can assure you hes thought about, and wondered what your up to.

 

The thing is right now Kimmie, its not enough or its not the right time.

 

What you need to focus on is you.

 

Stop wondering if what who when ect.

 

You

 

 

You.

 

Get yourself back to who you were before.

 

When you start moving on and forgetting and living your life, is USUALLY when they decide to start poking around.

 

You've made it 35days...that's again , a huge achievement.

 

The hard part is done.

 

Now is the easy, of taking that last step, letting go.

 

I wouldn't lie to you, granted I don't know you, but I promise ull be just fine.

 

Hold me to that.

 

 

Barky

[Kimmie80]

You always know what to say Can you pm on here? I would love to be able to drop you a line when Im feeling vulnerable and wanting to break the NC, instead of filling up this forum lol.

[barky2]

Pretty sure you can, after 50 post lol.

 

 

 

And no problem, when I was down I was here doing the same thing.

 

Paying it forward

 

Barky

[Kimmie80]

Thanks! I will get posting lol. I am the type of person that needs to write and express myself. It makes me feel better, even if it's just for a little bit

[barky2]

How u holding up Kimmie?

 

 

Barky

[Kimmie80]

Im having a really hard day today. Thanks for checking in with me.

[barky2]

Im having a really hard day today. Thanks for checking in with me.

 

Take a breath.

 

Everything will be OK, I gave you my word.

 

The pain dies everyday and you become superwoman.

 

 

 

Barky

[travelonic]

From what I've gathered, it seems the tend I'm seeing is this:

 

- Those who don't regret it saw legitimate issues in the relationship as a whole, and/OR were hurt by the dumpee [whatever it is - lying, cheating, abusive,etc].

- Those who DO were the ones who hurt through hasty decisions - sewing their wild oats, and those who fall into this category of regret would often - though not always - include those who have had affairs, cheated, etc.

 

How far off am I with this dichotomy?

[mcfcjay]

Hey, unfortunately ive not stook to the NC to well!! Weve been speaking over text shes rather distant at times and some times she talks a bit, she claims she has no feelings for me and tells me to move on and shes met someone whos a really nice guy, which obviously makes me sick to my stomach!! Although i received a phone call off her lastnight and we had a good 20 minute long chat about random things and had a really good laugh together, i just dont get it, i wish she was just honest and told me how she felt!! Every time we split shes said "i have nothing there for you" etc but then we get back a few weeks later and she goes on about how im the love of her life!!! so confusing, man, i need to get her out of my head before i go afghan!!!! I need to find a nice girl i can have phone calls with and chat with, thats all i really miss!! especially when ima be out there feeling alone!

[Kimmie80]

travelonic, that sounds about right. It sucks though, cause in my situation I hurt him by something I said. Due to my low self-esteem, I bashed him via email pretty bad. It was our first 'fight' and it was our last. He has no tolerance for that kind of stuff. So I have a very strong feeling he has no regrets and he is moving on. And Im here withering away in my own self pity. Taking this BU extremely difficult, especially when it is my own fault!

mcfcjay, for me, I have done very well on my NC. The last email he sent me was him saying that everything happens for a reason and that he is sure our paths will cross again someday. I took that as its over, never emailed him back and have just moved on. Its been 35 days and I havent heard anything from him. It takes every thing I have got not to break it. Not to send him a quick little email asking how he is. I am so scared that he will forget all about me as the days go on. And yes, being alone makes it extremely difficult!!

[barky2]

travelonic, that sounds about right. It sucks though, cause in my situation I hurt him by something I said. Due to my low self-esteem, I bashed him via email pretty bad. It was our first 'fight' and it was our last. He has no tolerance for that kind of stuff. So I have a very strong feeling he has no regrets and he is moving on. And Im here withering away in my own self pity. Taking this BU extremely difficult, especially when it is my own fault!

mcfcjay, for me, I have done very well on my NC. The last email he sent me was him saying that everything happens for a reason and that he is sure our paths will cross again someday. I took that as its over, never emailed him back and have just moved on. Its been 35 days and I havent heard anything from him. It takes every thing I have got not to break it. Not to send him a quick little email asking how he is. I am so scared that he will forget all about me as the days go on. And yes, being alone makes it extremely difficult!!

 

One more post and u can pm.

 

If your feeling down give me a shout.

 

 

Barky

[mcfcjay]

if only we could read the others thoughts, its annoying not knowing how she feels as shes the most stubborn girl alive, shed never tell me, and if i go NC and she starts missing me i know shes to stubborn to get in contact :@

[Kimmie80]

I will be in touch, Barky. I will need a few boosts along the way of my recovery Thank you!

[Kimmie80]

mcfcjay, if I could know what he was feeling, it would make my healing much better! I also wish we had a proper ending as well. Some type of closure instead of this email thing. But I also read that there really isn't such thing as a closure? That we will never feel satisfied that it ended the right way. I do know, though, that if I knew he missed me, he was thinking of me and he truly wanted to give it another try someday, that I would be doing much better! Thats all I need to get out of this hole that I have fallen into.

[Kimmie80]

Barky, I still can't PM, but I did read something about having to either be a member for 30 days or 100 posts, whichever comes first.

[mcfcjay]

Seems we are in the same position, i just dont understand what would drive her to meet me, act so in love with me and sleep with me and say it was the best shes ever had, she even cried when talking about our relationship, i dont get it why do all this and claim she has no feelings for me? She even said im better looking and have a better job than the guy shes meeting, she was drunk but normally people say whats on their mind when they are drunk. She claims this other guy is a much nicer person than me, yet i bent over backwards for her...

 

Im even finding it hard finding another girl to speak to, i dont get it im young, lots of money, great job and car, great body and i dont think im what youd call ugly lol!! Id feel much better if i just had a nice girl to speak to, someone i had a little attraction to atleast :*(

[Kimmie80]

Yup, seems like we are experiencing the same feelings. It sucks! I am so disgusted in myself that I am allowing 1 person to have so much control over me! I am a full time student with a part time job and I have no initiative to do get out of bed. I am slowly letting my grades slip and could care less to go to work. My life was totally different before we walked on in. People tell me that I was fine and survived before he walked in, so I will be fine now that he's gone. What no one seems to understand is that, yes, I was fine before, but now that he has come and gone, he has forever changed my life. I have permanent marks on my heart from it being torn in two. I have no initiative to meet anyone else. And just the thought of it turns my stomach. Just random people walking by I judge and compare them to him. Ugh! I don't even know who I am anymore

[mcfcjay]

Dont let it ruin your life, think of it how im beginning to think of my ex, yeah i loved her to bits but its her loss, she aint gonna find someone who will love her like i did, who will provide for her like i did or made her feel like i did. Shes bin with one other guy besides me who was her first BF,ive been with tons of girls and almost every one has said how great i am in the sack and they always seem to come back, and i dont think she will realise how good i made her feel until she has experienced someone else, as sickening as the thought is thats what i think will happen! Noone knows what the future holds, shes broken my heart, admittedly it was my fault but shes been so cold, just think about all the bad things they did during the relationship, which my ex did a ton of!! One day in the future, they will try get in contact most probably, and youll be in the position to laugh it off, and they will regret it!! So long as you was good to them in the relationship, i know a good lad round my end is hard to find, and i do not consider myself to be the best catch but im certainly not a bad lad i drove her everywhere bought her anything when i had a few weeks of work we was sat bored and i randomly booked us a week in alcudia, spain... Lets see what other lad is going to do all this for her, im confident she will try get in touch as she is a absolute stunner, and stunners like her attract dicks Sorry for the rant, but this is my new viewpoint and its working at the moment, im a strong strong lad i hide so many feelings really well but this girl tore down my wall and ive honestly never cried randomly at night before until now! Never again though, in 6 months or so we will look back on this and laugh!

 

Sorry for no paragraphs aswell, i know a essay crammed into one paragraph is a eye strain haha!

[Kimmie80]

no prob! Thank you so much for your feedback. I love hearing it from the men's perspective. I also love hearing it from the dumpers side to see what they think about post BU. I know everyone is different. Some regret it, some don't. And no one knows how these people are really feeling. But it still helps to read these forums from real people. Honestly, LS is what is keeping me grounded right now.

[So.Much.Pain]

Kimmie, mcfcjay:

 

WOW. I just read all 4 pages of this thread and it is actually amazing of how identical all 3 of our situations and emotions are at the moment! I want to assure you both that you are NOT alone, I am still currently in a living hell after my ex dropped the bomb nearly 9 weeks ago now.

 

I would like to see if you are both experiencing the degree of purgatory I am and have been for 9 weeks. Do you find it the hardest and most painfull right before bed and waking up in the morning? I mean I will read a book before bed and STILL have horrible intrusive thoughts for hours and hours while the anxiety kicks in and keeps me up all night. If I am lucky enough to get an hour or two of sleep I will either dream about her, usually in a sexual way, or I will have horrible nightmares where I am being stabbed to death or running for my life etc. Immediately upon waking up reality hits me again as if my nightmares/fantasy dreams of her wasn't painfull enough and I go through my day with massive depression and thoughts of her every second. This is after 9 weeks and nearly 7 of NC by me!

 

As the day goes on I struggle for motivation to do anything. Things that once interested me bo longer mean anything to me unless she was there along my side to enjoy them with me. I continue to relive the past and ask countless questions in my head that I know I will n'ever get the answers to. I picture her making love to whoever she has since the breakup and it fills me with so much anger, so much betrayel, so much heartbreak. I cant stop wondering who she is screwing and she is even able to do that. Meanwhile I cant even find attraction to another girl while it seems as she can just replace me at the flip of a switch. Like you, Mcfcjay, I am very fit with a very muscular build and good looking, from what Im told so the fact that she can just settle for any other guy to get her off says something about her. Cold.

 

I too agree that they may need to see/compare a relationship with somebody else to truely appreciate what they had/gave up with us. It is unfortunate and unfair to us but at the end of the day if you know you gave it your all and were a good partner to them then you just have to let them fall flat on their face and inplement NC! By not doing so you are allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Mcfcjay, I too did EVERYTHING for my ex gf......drove her everywhere, dinners, movies etc. but it wasn't enough, she needed more. So what I say, fine go find it your wish is command and I fell right off the face if the earth to her.

 

Kimmie, I can completely relate to your situation because I started the stupid arguement that lead to this pain I am in now so I too feel partly responsible. You are NOT alone darling.

 

Barky, AMAZING advice bro, it is sooo nice to hear your experience from a dumpers POV, keep it up man.