This Ones For The Dumpers

[northdevon]

I wish I could stop hoping Kimmie. I know its only bee 3 days but I feel like shes not missing me, shes not as upset as I am about it all, it feels like shes fine. I just want her to change her mind but it isn't possible. So why can't I stop hoping

[Kimmie80]

Barky, thanks for checking up on me I actually went out this weekend. Didn't really get all fancied up, but I did have a few guys hit on me. Problem was, I was comparing them. If they said something that he wouldn't have said, I wasnt interested. If he laughed at something that the ex wouldn't have, I wasnt interested. Ugh! These guys seemed really nice AND good looking! But noooooo. My heart is still holding on to the hope that he will return, therefore it felt like cheating. My head, however, was like GO FOR IT!

 

northdevon, I am not sure how to let go of hope either. The only thing I can say it give it time. Time heals all wounds. That is what I am living by right now.

[barky2]

Completely natural to compare.

 

But you're there for fun not to find your next bf.

 

That's how I thought ( only gf )

 

I'm glad you went out .

 

Keep going! Your on the right path, just stay strong madam.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Kimmie80]

Thanks Barky! I think I will try going out again over the long weekend. I deserve it!

[lovesucks76]

You go Kimmie! We all have to keep trying to return to a healthy place again. We will get there...I promise you, we will! We just have to keep moving forward and try not to look back!!

 

My ex has texted me 3 times in the past week and it's like opening an old wound each time. I get excited and then I get depressed. I thought I wanted to be contacted but actually it made it worse. I feel sick and tired of her, of me whining and the whole mess I'm going through. I wish I could go back to the time before I met her. I really do. I'm starting to get pissed and thinking about just forgetting about the whole thing, deleting her number or blocking her so I can move on. Not sure if I want to go through this again any time soon. Let's call this stage the BITTER stage! I want to tell her to "leave me the hell alone". I may have a chance tonight...I have a birthday party for one of my good friends who happens to be friends with her. Considered not going but he's one of my besties so....hoping she's not there. If she is, I may ask her to stop texting me, PLEASE!! I need to move on. Ready to let go!

[Kimmie80]

lovesucks, how long did you go without hearing from here, or has she always texted you?

 

It's hard to picture myself where you are. Where I DON'T want to hear from him. All I know is I would do ANYTHING to hear from him. Just for him to say hi and see how Im doing. Thats all I want at this point. Then I know that I am on his mind and he is thinking of me

[mummyjonno]

Hey Kimmie, just checking in on you. How are you feeling today? Hopefully a little better than yesterday?

 

XXX

[lovesucks76]

lovesucks, how long did you go without hearing from here, or has she always texted you?

 

It's hard to picture myself where you are. Where I DON'T want to hear from him. All I know is I would do ANYTHING to hear from him. Just for him to say hi and see how Im doing. Thats all I want at this point. Then I know that I am on his mind and he is thinking of me

 

She texted me and called me 2 days after BU. We were both cold and speechless since we were both still very hurt so we quickly hung up. The break up wasn;t planned. It was a fight that got out of control. I had some doubts in mind that I shared with her and she said maybe we can take a break since we were very intense for over 3 months. I said NO. I also said NO to friends and told her not to contact me so I could heal. We went another 2 1/2 weeks of NC and then I started getting the texts again. I know she missed me and loves me but it's very complicated. She has a few problems with trust and letting go of old issues that still haunt her. I tried to help and I know she would love for me to be back in her life but I don;t think I can be a part-time boyfriend. I want to love her openly and without restrictions, if I can't have that than it's not worth pursuing anymore.

 

Your situation is different. He left and never looked back. I can see why you're having a hard time. Kimmie I also believe short intense relationships are the hardest to get over. I really do. " What could have been" haunts us every day. I have been in a couple long term RS before (3 and 5 years). Both were easy to let go because I knew the initial love had evolved to something that wasn't great anymore so when things ended I was hurt too but they're easier to let go. When things are great and you're in love and they suddenly leave you THAN it's a whole different ball game. You're stuck asking WHY??

 

I just want to shake my ex and say: are you nuts? We had a great time together. It was so easy between us and she was into me from the beginning so I let my guards down quickly. I told her I was falling for her and tried to tell her if she wasn't serious than let's move on. She promised me with teary eyes she would always love me. I was the only person who understood her, blah, blah,....in the end I was left in the restaurant with my pride completely destroyed. And now I joined LS to get help. Never thought in a million years I'd be here. What I found out through this experience is that I never loved anyone like her before .....NEVER! It sucks that it has to be her. Also, not to brag but I normally never chased girls and usually girls would ask me out. I was a lucky SOB and didn't understand why other people got so upset over BU's. I always thought, there were a lot of fish in the pond,let's go fishing!!No need to freak! now here I am....a freaking weak, pissed off and bitter mess!

[iouaname]

Journaling is great! I have a private blog where I just vent all of my feelings, goals, frustrations, and concerns. It can feel great to get it out and not have to feel concerned about who hears it or sees it. Hope you're doing well!

[Kimmie80]

mummyjonno, Thanks for checking on me That means a lot that people care! Every day is still a struggle, however, Im doing well in longer increments. So thats a start It sucks because it seems no matter how hard I try to get over him, I see something that reminds me of him. It sucks, but Im sure it will get better. Thanks again!!

 

lovesucks, Sorry to hear about your pain. This is all new to me, really. I was with my ex, the father of my children, since we were 17. When it came time to part, I was taking it much easier than this! I guess its because since the affair, in 2009, I have let go a lot. I put my guard back up and I guess I kept it up the whole time. I became cold. It wasn't easy saying goodbye, knowing that we are walking away from 16 years and 4 beautiful children. I am more hurt for them then anything. Then this guy comes along. He was the only one who could get my guard down and slither right in. I am starting to think that there was more going on. Either way, I am forever broken. Your right, the short relationships seem to be the hardest. Especially when these were so perfect right up to the nasty email I sent him. I truly thought that he would have forgiven me and come back once he cooled off. I only got that he forgives me and our paths will cross again. The only thing I can do is take one day at a time. I ALMOST sent him a little message asking how he has been. But I didn't because I was so afraid to hear that he is doing great and has a new girlfriend. Even hearing that he is doing great would be a killer for me. Knowing I am sitting here drowning in my own self pity.

[Kimmie80]

iouaname, great idea!! I never really thought about a blog! As long as we write, we will slowly heal

[anythingbut]

Oi oi savaloys!!

 

Great post Kimmie, and one which I have asked within my own thread on here, but not really got a great response in terms of dumpers sharing their thoughts.

 

I am fascinated by the perspective of the dumper due to the ice cold approach that my ex used on me, and in fact this the whole reason I ended up on here was because I was spending hours googling things like 'how does the dumper feel?' 'does the dumper regret?' etc etc

 

anyway, through doing this I stumbled across this thread, written by a dumper, which I strongly recommend you take the time to read

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/331278-they-ll-probably-never-stop-loving-you-4.html

 

It made me sign up to LS straight away to share my story, and I can honestly say it was a great decision for me because at the time (only a few weeks back I was depressed and at my wits end after 4/5 months no contact. I'm now at 6 months, and yes I still have really tough days, but I'm getting there

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

Some great advice/posts by Barky by the way, top man brother!

[mummyjonno]

Will be giving that thread a little read. I'd like to know how it is from the dumpers point of view. Not specifically but a little insight can't hurt. We aren't mind readers and until someone tells us we all feel like we cry, sob, get sad, mad and hurt while they are off living it up with the fairies!

 

Glad your feeling a little brighter kimmie. As barky has said. It'll get longer the time you don't think of or miss him and soon enough you won't think of or miss him at all. You just have to get to THAT point which is hard.

 

I too seem fine, or as fine as I can be. Today I saw people who drive his car, they made me sad, his favorite beer advertised and I was sad again and then the songs we always listen too on my ipod in his car came on and I had to skip those too!

 

It sucks, but soon, hopefully sooner the better. Those things will just be things, they won't mean him anymore

[DmxDex]

Oi oi savaloys!!

 

Great post Kimmie, and one which I have asked within my own thread on here, but not really got a great response in terms of dumpers sharing their thoughts.

 

I am fascinated by the perspective of the dumper due to the ice cold approach that my ex used on me, and in fact this the whole reason I ended up on here was because I was spending hours googling things like 'how does the dumper feel?' 'does the dumper regret?' etc etc

 

anyway, through doing this I stumbled across this thread, written by a dumper, which I strongly recommend you take the time to read

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/331278-they-ll-probably-never-stop-loving-you-4.html

 

It made me sign up to LS straight away to share my story, and I can honestly say it was a great decision for me because at the time (only a few weeks back I was depressed and at my wits end after 4/5 months no contact. I'm now at 6 months, and yes I still have really tough days, but I'm getting there

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

Some great advice/posts by Barky by the way, top man brother!

 

Its been posted many times.

 

The dumper acts cold because of guilt and its easier to be angry at you so they dont feel like ****. Just coping mechanism.

[Kimmie80]

great link anythingbut! I guess the hard part is, I will never truly know how he is feeling. Maybe I was being used till he found someone else, maybe he was bored, who knows. I just can't believe that he he could walk away after our one and only fight. Yes I hurt him, but still. There must have been more going on then I knew. But its still great and helpful to come on here when Im feeling vulnerable and get some insight from other people. Im going to keep on posting till I get to where I need to be in order to let go!

[Hope737]

I broke up with my now ex girlfriend in January this year and ever since have regretted it MASSIVELY. She kind've drove me to it as I found out she was cheating on me.

 

We're both 23 now and have known eachother since 16. We started going out with eachother in 2006, broke up in 2009 and went our separate ways , university etc. We got back together in August 2012 for just 5 months before I found out she was cheating.

 

The reason I regret it is that she was my best friend, I feel like I've lost the earth. Since the final break up in January this year I've simply stopped caring about life. I drink stupid amounts of alcohol, I eat what I want and just DO NOT care about anything any more. I struggle to get over her as I still see her at work even though I initiated no contact (we still don't speak at work by the way, NC remains strong)

 

So it just goes to show, dumpers CAN feel just as much pain as the dumpee, if not more!

 

Basically my life has been a dark, dark void since the break up. I lost my one true love, I have no interest in life, I drink heavily and don't see a way out of this. I'm just living each day at a time. All this going on at just 23 years old is NOT a nice feeling. I just KNOW for a fact I can never find what I had with her with any one else.

[hurts2death]

i bet you will my friend.... i feel the same but i say this.

 

what will it happen? are you willing to be bored to breath too and die?

 

dont you love you?

 

please wake up buddy.... the sooner you get tough the better,,,,,,

[Hope737]

That's the problem, I simply do not love myself. I look in the mirror and do not like what I see.

 

I've been for counselling, tried to take action but I just fall back into the same rut. Over the past 5 months or so, I've slowly gone down hill. Drinking to excess, hiding my drinking from family and I'm in such a dark place it's untrue. I'm the DUMPER, the one who's meant to be in control and I feel like the complete opposite.

 

Anyway, i know I need to improve myself but I simply don't see a good life without my ex by my side.

[hurts2death]

why dont you interact with danger? i know it sounds stupid but believe me it will awake you.....

 

for example i am going to join antipiracy ship guarding despite the adrenalin rush (work out perfect body) i will get over it easier and gain a lot of cash too.

 

 

just find a way..

 

 

fear makes us live.. it is the motivation to keep alive. the instict.... stop living like you died ,. i believe you just need a push or sth to erect you..

 

hope i helped.

 

john

[Kimmie80]

Hope737, So sorry to hear about your situation Nothing can ever compare to this feeling. People keep telling me that I was fine before him so I will be fine now. What they don't understand is that once they come in, they leave forever prints on our hearts and souls. I can try all I want to block the period we were together and carry on, but I can't. He has changed me. And now, I am forever broken.

 

The one thing you got going for you is you can at least walk away knowing why you walked away and you have a good reason. Not that it changes anything on how you are feeling or eases the pain any less. With me, I was the cause of this. I was the reason he walked. I didn't cheat. I just said some things out of fear. I have low self-esteem and insecurity issues due to an affair that my ex had a few years back. A different ex. He knew this. Guess thats why it hurts so much. It doesnt give me a reason to act the way I did, but he should understand.

 

Now, I have to live with him walking away and it being because of me Like you, I have not given a crap for life. I get up, go to school, go to work and carry on ONLY because of my children. They deserve to have their mom. But at night, when everyone is sleeping, thats when I break. The guilt I feel is eating me alive. He said he forgives me, but everything happens for a reason. Guess he feels I am not worth fighting for.

 

Good luck to you! Keep posting on here till you reach the point that you can let go and move on. It helps a little, even if its only temporary.

[hurts2death]

wow Kimmie sounds that you get some tough situation.... please be positive,,,even if you said things its not a reason for someone to leave,,,,, so please no guilt....

Hope737, So sorry to hear about your situation Nothing can ever compare to this feeling. People keep telling me that I was fine before him so I will be fine now. What they don't understand is that once they come in, they leave forever prints on our hearts and souls. I can try all I want to block the period we were together and carry on, but I can't. He has changed me. And now, I am forever broken.

 

The one thing you got going for you is you can at least walk away knowing why you walked away and you have a good reason. Not that it changes anything on how you are feeling or eases the pain any less. With me, I was the cause of this. I was the reason he walked. I didn't cheat. I just said some things out of fear. I have low self-esteem and insecurity issues due to an affair that my ex had a few years back. A different ex. He knew this. Guess thats why it hurts so much. It doesnt give me a reason to act the way I did, but he should understand.

 

Now, I have to live with him walking away and it being because of me Like you, I have not given a crap for life. I get up, go to school, go to work and carry on ONLY because of my children. They deserve to have their mom. But at night, when everyone is sleeping, thats when I break. The guilt I feel is eating me alive. He said he forgives me, but everything happens for a reason. Guess he feels I am not worth fighting for.

 

Good luck to you! Keep posting on here till you reach the point that you can let go and move on. It helps a little, even if its only temporary.

[Hope737]

Thanks John, I know exactly what you are saying and I can see how encountering fear and adrenaline will help. Like you quite rightly pointed out, I need a kick of some sort to push me as I literally have ZERO motivation. My life hasn't been the same since the break up. I almost don't know or recognise myself any more. It almost scares me how much I've changed in so little time.

 

 

Kimmie, yeah I've not posted on here for a good few months but think I'll be posting a little more again as I'm not doing so good on my own. As you know, it's a terrible feeling, putting up with life, pretending you're ok infront of others whilst inside you're collapsing. I wish you the best of luck too. Just got to keep taking each day as it comes!

[Kimmie80]

hurts2death, Im trying to not feel so guilty. Im starting to believe more and more that there must have been more going on that I don't know. If thats the case, guess it was a good thing in a way. Thats why I find it so hard to trust people. First a 6 month affair from my other ex and then someone who could have possibly had more going on that I wasnt aware of :/

 

Hope737, trying to hold yourself together is a very hard thing to do, but if you can, then that just shows how strong you really are. I guarantee you are way stronger than you realize. I know there isn't anything I can say to help you through this horrible phase in your life, but I do strongly believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and that we have to get hurt along our journey to find the one true love who we are suppose to be with.

 

We can't change it, no matter how hard we fight, beg and plead. We just have to except what has happened and believe that everything happens for a reason. Try to find something that you can do to keep your mind busy. I know that when I am on here, even though it makes me think of him, it actually helps. Even though its only for a little bit, it gives me that down time to relax, breathe and to know that there are thousands of people out there who are going through the same thing. The same pain. And I love reading their posts after quite some time about how well they are. And they were in the exact same place as us right now.

 

I wish you the best I look forward to reading more of your posts!

[hurts2death]

Kimmie i would love to see your opinion over mys tory take a look if you have time.. thanks

 

-john

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420756-nothing-pains-much-nothing

[Kimmie80]

hurts2death, I made a reply to your post Sorry, its kinda long :/ Didnt mean to lol