Wife and I to Seperate

[cnt2infinity]

I am 27 and my wife is 26. We have been going through some hard times and she announced on Saturday that she will be moving out to an apartment across the road on Nov.17. We have been together for almost 7 years with our anniversary coming up late December. We have a daughter of 5 who is in kindergarten. This isn’t a legal separation. I guess I am glad that she is moving just across the road but she will be taking my daughter. I have begged her not to go but she will not change her mind. As each day passes I feel as if I am coming to terms with it and can let it happen. As some may know it hurts damm bad for everything in your life just move out. She doesn’t state if this is a trial separation or permanent. She want to see what’s best for her life. She also says that there may be a chance later on for us to start out again. I am somewhat making thing worse by changing moods. One second I am working with her on this, next minuet I am getting angry at her and next I will be begging. It has only been 3 days since she mentioned it. I am from England and all my family is back home so I have no one to turn to and no friends. She wants me to find what’s best for me, meaning that I might want to start a new life. But I cannot get her out of my head. She is also considering trying a new relationship with someone else as a part of her finding what’s right for her. I love her dearly and do not want this to be permanent. I do want and need her back.

 

The problem relates on both of us. I have an anger problem, which I can sometimes take out on her. But I somewhat feel as if this anger is built up on the fact that she treated me wrong in the early years of our marriage. She had seen other men before we got married and threatened to leave me a few times. The hurt from this has built up inside me from this and I feel (not sure) that this is the reason I have gained temper and anger. But even though I have my mood swings I get over them and truly love her. She has said I stopped loving her a long time ago but I know do love her as much as I have always. I do understand why she is leaving me, my anger has to change.

 

Before we got married she asked me to make a promise to her that I would never leave. Ive always kepth that promise and always have been faithful. I have not lost the love for her as she sees even after her being unfaithful. I wish I could go back in time and change what I have done wrong.

 

She also has had some health problems. She has been in a mental health institute before and after our marriage. She is on anti-depressants. She has also attempted suicide on some occasions, which I am not sure if was for real or just black mail. I wouldn’t let harm come to her. Again these actions of hers contributes to the way I behave. I understand her side of problems and will not give up on her for our sake and not just because I promised I would never leave her.

 

I dont want separation and I fear for our daughter. I love her as much too. I need some advice and help to get through this. My goal is not to give up on her but also to understand the consciousness both ways.

 

I am to start seeing a consular on Thursday for individual marriage and anger managment. But this may not help since she cannot say what the outcome will be.

 

Please help.... ty

[MassiveAtom]

Hey Ty,

 

How you doin, now my friend?

 

It's a lot to deal with buddy, I know. It's like your heart gets ripped out and you go crazy. So crazy that you can't focus enough to pick your heart up put it back in your chest and let it heal.

 

Man, I know. I'm dealing with it right now. Everybody will tell you things that will give you hope. Some will give you strength. But you know, Sometimes you just have to wrap your arms around your guts, and hold them in while the pain moves through you.

 

I'm sorry that any other human being has to go through this. If I could help you shoulder the pain of everything that your life has given you, I would. I wish someone could come and take this pain away for me.

 

I had a thought, this afternoon which cheered me up a little. " I won't die from this" I thought. I did cheer me up. But that only lasted about 10 minutes. .

 

Hang in there my friend.

 

mA

[Devildog]

I know how you are feeling right now. I am about 3 weeks into my separation.

 

The best advice I can give you is to get your emotions under control as quickly as you can. I didn't. I was a wreck for the first 2 weeks of my separation and said alot of things and did alot of things that really pushed the situation further downhill. I was hurt and angry. I finally realized that I needed to get counselling as well.

 

Give her a bit of time, and talk with your counsellor before you talk with your wife about your relationship. Give yourself a little time to cool down. Don't be confrontational and accusatory. When you do talk to her, listen, don't defend yourself and offer excuses for why you acted in a way that hurt her. Seriously reflect on the things she tells you and look hard at yourself to see if there is any merit to what she has said.

 

She probably isn't innocent in this whole situation. She has probably done her share of things to create this situation. But if you want to get your marriage back on track, you need to take the first steps in dealing with what you have done. Your effort will most likely lead to her making changes in herself as well.

 

Just keep your cool and be grateful that she is only across the street.

[cnt2infinity]

Thanks for all your support. My moods and feelings are changing rapidly. Now my fear is that as soon as she leaves she will get a lawyer and take custody of my daughter. She is already considering a new man whether shes serious with him or not but I feel as if he will edge her on to getting rid of me for good. I pray that this guy is no good and is just there for her for support purposes.

 

I have no choice but to contact a lawyer and see what my options are. Is anyone familiar with what chances I have of getting my daughter. My wife has mental problems, is on anti-depressants and has attempted suicide many times. This is not good for my daughter and I fear this is the only way I can protect her. My wife has been angry in a personal way to my daughter which scares me since I will not be there to protect her. I still want us to be back together.

 

Where can I find a good lawyer in NC and what are my chances of winning with her mental conditions. Is this the right thing to do?

 

 

Thanks again for all your support..I hope it works out for all of us.

 

Stay strong.

 

Ty

[MassiveAtom]

Hey Ty,

 

You're feeling a little better today, I hope.

I emailed you privately. You have my number if you want someone to talk to.

 

I've found some personal advice and practical advice that you may find useful.

 

I know you're scared,. and rightly so. I understand that you feel your life is up in the air and that your future is up for grabs too. Remember, there is no one in the world more in control of your future than you are. And you are not to blame for other peoples reactions to who you are or what you do with that future. You are NOT responsible for anyone else's actions, only for yours.

 

Take some time to take care of yourself, to control that fear and understand completely what it is, and from whence it comes.

 

Try to understand what she's feeling, and if you don't, tell her you do. Just saying it has a way of forcing your subconscious to understand. then your conscious will follow. You may find you disagree with what you understand, but that's the way it works out sometimes.

 

Tell her whatever she wants to do, you'll support her, and leave it at that. Then start not contacting her at all, grieve what you have to grieve and move through this painful time. You are the center of everything in your world, simply stated the most important person in the whole universe to you. But you have to willing to accept yourself deeply and completely.

 

Remind her that Lawyers by their very nature are adversarial, and the you don't want to fight with her anymore. Tell her that you want your marriage to work, and she's right, it's not working.

 

Don't act out of fear. Fear only drives the fight or flight reactions we all have instinctively. You may feel like a deer in the headlights , but you are man in the midst of a painful time in his life. Leave lawyers alone for now. They are NOT concerned with your best interests. Wait, that should be repeated, Lawyers are NOT concerned with your best interests.

 

Instead, see a therapist, psychologist, priest, shaman healer, herbalist what ever you need. Hell, try everything!

 

When you feel anger building, FEEL IT, and let it out! Beat the crap out of something, in private, without any witnesses, work up a sweat and get it ALL out. I used to take a bat to a big ol' pillow. Remember that it's okay to be angry, and even though you have that anger, you deeply and completely accept yourself.. When sadness floats down from the ceiling like blanket, and you wrap it around you for comfort, wrap it loosely, and remind yourself that it's okay to be sad. And even though you have this sadness, you deeply and completely accept yourself. When the fear sneaks in, and like a bandit, steals your better judgment, be sure to understand the even though you have this fear, you deeply and completely accept yourself. When the sun rises over that desolate wasteland that you feel your heart will become, note the peacefulness of the event, rise slowly, and welcome your day full of hope. And remember that even though you are calm, you deeply and completely accept yourself.

 

Above all, treat yourself gently. with great care and forgiveness. Understand yourself and be compassionate and kind to you. It takes practice, but it will help.

 

Finally, Take a look at http://www.coping.org this is the time where the cruelties of life can start chipping away at your self esteem. It's going to happen but you can minimize the impact.

 

Your brother in arms,

 

mA

[cnt2infinity]

Every second of this feels like an eternity. I know I cannot change time but can change the future. I am feeling a bit better but I know the 17th and so forth will be hard. I understand I must keep strong but other roles come apart. I know my wife cannot be alone. She did the same to me when we were getting together. I was in England and she was in the states. I thought we were destined but one day on a phone call she said that she couldnt wait for me and needs to be with someone. I persuaded her that I will be there shortly once I get my papers ready and committed my self to being and starting a new life with her. I never gave up!. But from this I know she cannot be lonely and will most likely find someone to fill the gap. But as I gave her my words it also gave hope. I just hope that hope can happen again.

 

I did over react with the lawer thing. I will support her as myself, hoping that neither of us are hurt again.

 

Thanks again for all your support.

 

Stay strong.

Ty

[MassiveAtom]

Ty,

 

I'm going to call you tonight. We're telling the kids when I get home around 6 pm. If you can't talk when I call around 8:00pm Cst. I'll understand.

 

You are dealing with a huge loss. Be prepared to grieve. But not until you have to.

 

mA

[cnt2infinity]

Please do. You have my home number. I should be back from work by then. I hope all goes well with telling the kids. I wish I could be as understanding as you on this. I am at work and can barely get my words out. My 5 year old has been told but I wont think she will actually realise until we seperate. Again, I do love my wife and daughter dearly.

 

Thanks again buddy.

[cnt2infinity]

Some things I have noticed to help cheer me up are:

 

Drinking Coffee or tea

 

Sitting outside and listening to the leaves rattle in the wind and the crickets chirping.

 

Driving - I actually used to hate driving but now I find it relaxing.

 

TV - But It hurts when I see a family or kids or something related.

 

I might pickup playing video games to take my mind off things. I will wait a few weeks for this though, because even though I might be loosing them it hurts for me to take my eyes off them.

 

I have also started smoking which I had quit along time ago, I dont recommend it but I will quit when my heart stops pounding. My wife also recommended Zantax to help get through this. I have never been on an anti-depressant but I may ask my counselor about it tonite.

 

take care...

[MassiveAtom]

Ty,

 

You have the right idea. You may not know it but the way you're dealing with this change is absolutely acceptable, completely normal, entirely valid, and incredibly brave.

 

Smoke 'em if you got 'em! Honestly, I've even sucked my thumb on occasion!

 

I quit smoking 2 years years ago, trained for and ran the Chicago Marathon, REunited with my wife, started smoking again, and quit running. Something was clearly wrong.

 

Hey, I might sound a little wierd here, but try not to take the mood-altering stuff. there are things you can do that a lot of people call "new Age." They're actually the ancient foundations of the concepts of those side-effect ridden substances that so many use to dull the pain. These practices are powerful, and much less troubling than the othe stuff. You're going through this because you're growing. Believe me Buddy, It hurts like hell, but you WILL get stronger as you go.

 

Take it easy on yourself. Think about the good things you and your wife had together. let yourself enjoy them and smile at them. And then let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. Emotion is nothing if not honest. You're a great guy, if I were a chick I'd date you!

 

Loss is change just like gain is change, they're both sides of the same knife, and they both cut in different ways. And you've been sliced open and yes you are bleeding. But what do wounds do? Right! they heal. Emotional wounds are unique in that they allow access to stuff underneath, you have a chance to fix the underlying illness while you have access. If you've ever dug into an open wound, you know how much it hurts, this wound is even worse. If no changes are made they will likey leave an ugly scar, but when you work on what's under the pain, it's like having your own expert plastic surgeon. I know you can stand the pain and endure it long enough to make the changes you need. Here's your chance. Use it well.

 

Use your own power to accept who you are unconditionally, and never forget that you have. Never feel lonely cause you always have people who care about you. Even if you've never met.

 

Your burden, my shoulders.

 

I'm here for ya Ty.

 

your brother in arms,

 

mA

[cnt2infinity]

Me and my wife actually communicated last night. We spoke for a long time and expressed feelings. She still will be leaving next Wednesday but it was wonderful to talk. She listened and I listened to her. I know she is firm in this and stronger than I could ever be. But from what I said and from what she said it all meant something. There may be hope after all. I even got to hold her which to me felt like heaven and earth moving together.

 

I am stronger today. My wounds have stopped bleeding and will soon begin healing. I had my first session with a counciler for my marital and anger problems. He numbed down what exactly was wrong with me. I am still confronting what he has told me and soon will be ready to express it. But I know what I did wrong and from this know what I have to do to help it all. My next apt will be next Thursday. Of course thats the day after they leave.

 

MA, yours words are helping me so much. Hopefully I can be as strong as you about this. I got your message and I am sorry that I wasn't there to answer, call at my home number, or I will call you. I will talk to you soon.

 

Love moves in mysterious ways - Julia Fordham/U2

 

Ty

[MassiveAtom]

Like I said Ty,

 

Even if it's 3am, okay.

 

You're not alone.

 

 

 

mA

[cnt2infinity]

Thanks for you support MA. I feel as if I have to continue my posts on here to help others know what I am going through and so they know what to experience themselves. I dont want to top the board with my post so I wont write as much.

 

I dont wish spereration on nobody. I believe things should be worked out before making a final decision. I failed in this but I also believe in the 7 year itch. Take a lesson and do something before the water boil. Yes I deserve this and yes I am hurt because I failed to do that. But if it comes to it put aside the hurt and believe in yourself. I will live from this and whats to happen around the corner, I dont know.

 

I love my wife dearly. And when you love someone understand their needs and not just your own. Casey will be gone soon. I am coming to terms with it and I am helping her in ervey way that I can. Today I took my daughter to the movies today adn it was the damm hardest thing I have every done. I really wanted to ask Casey if she wanted to come. I knew what her answer would be but just didnt want to do it because of the pushing away thing. I told her to go shopping while we were out and she did. Giving her her space is all I can do now.

 

We still talk. The love that I give her and have for her is packed in a bag. I forced myself to do this. This is all I can do to help her. I love her with all my heart and sometimes I wish I didnt have a heart so this wouldnt hurt as bad. I will be looking in that bad constantly to check on it.

 

I took a zantax yesterday and all I can say is it put me to sleep. I did feel different but I didnt feel any different for the love of my family.

 

I wish I could just place my arms around casey and she would place hers around me and give her a big kiss and say to her, Thank you for 6 years of being with me. Hell, maybe that will come later. Maybe not. I still look into my wifes eyes that she still lets me. I see myself the pain that I have put her through and now that I am experiencing. God I love her.

 

I looked into something today. I looked into a program very much like a big brother thing. Except it was for kids with cancer. I want to help every damm individual soul in this world. It will involve taking a kid out for the weekend just for fun and give them some spirits. I wont be neglecting my own daughter by doing this, man she can come along too.

 

 

Take care, each and every one of you...

Ty

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by cnt2infinity

Thanks for you support MA. I feel as if I have to continue my posts on here to help others know what I am going through and so they know what to experience themselves. I dont want to top the board with my post so I wont write as much.

 

You ARE feeling down aren't you, my friend?

Hey listen, it's okay to feel sad about this, It's okay, you'll be okay. in fact, after talking to you this weekend. Man you're gonna make it like a star. You're so damn, intelligent it makes me jealous. No, Really! Post ALL you like, that's why we're all here Ty, We've got your back, and hopefuilly, like it did for me, can save you a little money on therapy!

 

Yes I deserve this and yes I am hurt because I failed to do that. But if it comes to it put aside the hurt and believe in yourself. I will live from this and whats to happen around the corner, I dont know.

 

This is change, Ty. Change can be painful. It sounds as if you're blaming yourself. I completely understand, and it's okay to feel that. I want you to know that it doesn't change the fact that you are a great guy. With a HUGE heart, and a whole lot of wonderful life to live, and a lot of love to give. You can focus entirely on what this change is costing you, or you can focus on the gains this change is bringing you. It's your choice. Somewhere in all of this is the opportunity to remember who you are. It's easy to lose track of that in a close relationship like a marriage. I may be projecting a little here because that's just what happened to me. But you know what, When I realized who I am, and the way I realized it, was so beautiful and so powerful, that I simply CAN'T beat myself up about it anymore. Be gentle and kind to yourself first.

 

Ty, you have made a committment to yourself to change something about you that you felt needed changing. That is, IMHO, EXEMPLARY. I only wish my bro in-law (Phys Abuser) could be so strong.

 

I love my wife dearly. And when you love someone understand their needs and not just your own. Casey will be gone soon. I am coming to terms with it and I am helping her in ervey way that I can. Today I took my daughter to the movies today adn it was the damm hardest thing I have every done. I really wanted to ask Casey if she wanted to come. I knew what her answer would be but just didnt want to do it because of the pushing away thing. I told her to go shopping while we were out and she did. Giving her her space is all I can do now.

 

You might find http://www.coping.org a valuable resource, try out some of the work they suggest, it's hard but you can do it.

 

It is so obvious that you do love her. Take some of that love you give her, and invest a little in you. You are what you love, not what loves you.

 

I looked into something today. I looked into a program very much like a big brother thing. Except it was for kids with cancer. I want to help every damm individual soul in this world. It will involve taking a kid out for the weekend just for fun and give them some spirits. I wont be neglecting my own daughter by doing this, man she can come along too.

 

Ty, You are amazing. Even through all this difficulty you still have it in you to help others? I gotta say, you are a GREAT guy.

Keep going, find out all you can about you. You'll find something absolutely breathtaking. And some things will weird you out!

But you know what? it's still you, and all the things that make you who you are, are what your light is all about. You know the song, "this little light of mine"

 

Let it shine. and don't worry, it casts no shadow.

 

Live strong

 

mA

[cnt2infinity]

Well, tomorrow is the day my wife and daughter depart. But hey. The most powerful thing in the world just happened to me. When she came come she gave me the biggest hug and kiss. This meant the world to me. It was so much to me that I cannot describe. The hug itself felt like an eternity and made me so damm happy. Yes, she still is leaving and yes I still need to work on myself in which I am committed to an will not fail to. This expression she gave me resembled what it all means not in words but the way it felt. Man do I love her all so much that words itself cannot describe. Hope and passion is driving me now. I know what I need to do. When the words of leaving first came out of her mouth it was the the end of the world to me. But dont no never look at it like that. Separation means a lot of things and what you can make of it. I still worry of the out come beause of which way it can turn but again I know what I have to do.

 

Through my pain and misery of the last week when things were not clear all it did was rain. But today the sky was clear and stars were present. DONT EVER GIVE UP. I am committed, resourceful, patient, eager and changing. Hope has come into my life and I hope it stays.

 

Dont give up. We are all there for each other.

Ty

[cnt2infinity]

This is damm hard. My wife has been gone since the 17th. I am trying my best to pick up the pieces. We still see each other almost every day but I do not know what is going through her head. We even hug and kiss I am not laying any guilt trips on her and cannot control the way I feel about her. I have messed up bad and deserve this no doubt. If only I have had listened to her but it was hard due to my life circumstances. She is at her parents for thanksgiving which she deserves to be there but today it felt like I had lost her again. I feel as if I am back at square one. I love her dearly, man this is hard. I do not want to lose her completely. Should I conceal my emotions and go along with her terms? or express the way I feel and tell her I want her back. I know its damm hard but I cannot let go. I wish I could go back in time and fix what I did wrong. As far as myself I am doing a lot to change. A damm lot. And its for both of us. These emotions are like a roller coaster. But the love and care for her is still there. I worry about her just the way I did before. But I had problems that I could not control which lead to this.

 

Ty

[thien_to]

Hey Ty, I am going through a similar situation but not to the same degree as you. I just wanted to say that your posts and MA's posts are really helpful. Please keep up the updates.

[cnt2infinity]

Something happened today. As I was picking up my daughter and about to leave, my wife came to me with a smile and gave me a hug. I gave her a hug back and kissed her on the neck. This has not happened in two weeks. She told me prior to this today on the phone that she was writing down her thoughts on herself, me and us. When she looked at me today and there was a connection. She didn't frown or roll her eyes like before. She said she will talk.

 

What does this mean. I am confused, scared and worried. Has she seen the changes in me which I had promised. Can this result to bad or good news?

 

Like all, I love her dearly.

 

tbc

[cnt2infinity]

She told me its over. She wants to file for seperation. I lost it by losing my temper and demanding to talk to her about getting things fixed. This only pushed her further away. From this I have decided to move on. If she wants to talk later then I might reconsider. I have friends who I am hanging out with and I am happy.

[MassiveAtom]

Hey,

 

 

So she doesn't have what it takes to be with you. Too bad for her, I'm dealing with a woman who doesn't understand that life is not all happy and even the best marriages have trouble sometimes. I know firsthand that you are one of the good guys. This completely sucks!

 

I know you've heard it all before.

 

But then there's that song you know?

 

It's called "The Gambler"

 

know when to walk away, and know when to run!

 

Let's keep in touch.

 

 

mA

[cnt2infinity]

Can I ask, is it okay for two seperated people to go off and have sex with someone else? i mean if things are uncertain or sure that the relationship was over would it be okay? Has anyone been through this kind of situation and got back with your spouse and been okay with it?

 

Please tell.

[Owl]

C2- I've got a tough question for you, and I apologize in advance for any pain I may cause in this.

 

From a lot of what I've seen, it often seems to me that whenever one spouse wants to seperate to "sort things out"...they're often involved with someone else. Is it possible that your wife has started having an affair, and is now seperating with you to explore her relationship with someone else?

 

Take a look at my post over on the "infidelity" section. My wife grew cold and distant...turns out she was involved in an online emotional affair. She also talked about needing time to "get away and think"...what it really was was that she wanted time to "get away and meet the OM in person so she could decide if she wanted him more than me".

 

I don't know enough about what's going on in your case to guess...you'd be the only person besides your wife who COULD guess at this. But, its something to wonder about.