I'm irrational. Your thoughts are welcomed.

[Oneforme33]

I continue to worry that he won't contact me again because he possibly thinks Im angry for unfriending him on fb. If he wanted me, he would still contact me regardless of this, right?

 

How do you keep no contact with absolutely nothing to go on as to why he lost interest?

 

When you want to reach out for answers or to make sure he knows how you feel, how do you not?

[maidai]

How long into NC are you? I am only 2 weeks in but have had no urge to contact him. At first I wanted an explanation, I felt I was owed one. We had a proper relationship for 18mnths all out in the open with everyone aware. I also wanted to tell him I still cared and the door was open. That changed quickly I can tell you. He betrayed me in a cowardly way why on earth would I want to risk that again?

 

What I have learnt this last two weeks is that NC really has to be NC. I have cut all ties even with his family who I loved dearly and got on well with. Every day I have made massive strides. I am almost back to normal bar the waking up with the dread and the fact its the last thing on my mind at night. The rest of the day I go about my business.

 

Telling him how you feel if the feelings are not reciprocated is the worst thing you can do. It give him that ego stroke that people are often looking for. Ego stroking them makes them feel BETTER and you feel WORSE. It gives them another little piece of you to carry around with them taking away from you.

 

You will never get closure from a conversation because the chances are you will either be told what you want to hear which could make it worse or worse still not get the answers you want. I have done alot of reading and have learnt that I need to give myself closure. Its not down to him to decide how things end its down to me to be strong enough to know it has to/did end and push forward with rebuilding my life/strength and future.

 

I am a relatively strong person. However, I do believe that to date at 39 years of age I have been betrayed by what I felt to this point was the love of my life. I have learned that if I can deal with these feelings with the great advice here and something as easy as NC meaning no contact everyone should be able to.

 

Good luck x

Edited August 21, 2013 by maidai

[Goodbye]

Wondering whether or not he is wondering about you is crazy making and just keeps things alive in your heart.

 

Strive for indifference. Force him out of your head by purposefully NOT thinking about him, filling your time with other meaningful things. Eventually, slowly, it can happen.

 

Indifference gives you a blank slate. If by some chance he seeks you out, down the road, as a single man, you can decide what you want to do.

[Sarabi]

I continue to worry that he won't contact me again because he possibly thinks Im angry for unfriending him on fb. If he wanted me, he would still contact me regardless of this, right?

 

Erm...I think he would contact you again either if he wanted you OR if he wanted to know that you wanted him. To know he still has you as a backup and he can carry on as usual...there is a selfishness behind it never underestimate that.

 

How do you keep no contact with absolutely nothing to go on as to why he lost interest?

 

I don't know. I try to think of something negative I guess when I am getting sad and sentimental about it all I think about the horrible things he can say to me. I think about seeing him happy with his family and giving me a dirty look. I think about getting a horrible reaction from him if I do bother to contact him...so therefore I don't bother

 

When you want to reach out for answers or to make sure he knows how you feel, how do you not?

I tell myself that he is happily married that he never cared about me that he never will care about me because he has a precious amazing wife and family that I cannot compare to. He doesn't deserve to know how I feel and its none of his business because he has his amazing relationship. Outside factors should be none of his concern...the only one who needs answers is his wife.

Plus...I read loveshack. I tell myself that if his wife is anything like some of the posters here (betrayed or otherwise) then I would be well advised to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself...best not to try and keep raking up the past...

 

[Feb]

How long into NC are you? I am only 2 weeks in but have had no urge to contact him. At first I wanted an explanation, I felt I was owed one. We had a proper relationship for 18mnths all out in the open with everyone aware. I also wanted to tell him I still cared and the door was open. That changed quickly I can tell you. He betrayed me in a cowardly way why on earth would I want to risk that again?

 

What I have learnt this last two weeks is that NC really has to be NC. I have cut all ties even with his family who I loved dearly and got on well with. Every day I have made massive strides. I am almost back to normal bar the waking up with the dread and the fact its the last thing on my mind at night. The rest of the day I go about my business.

 

Telling him how you feel if the feelings are not reciprocated is the worst thing you can do. It give him that ego stroke that people are often looking for. Ego stroking them makes them feel BETTER and you feel WORSE. It gives them another little piece of you to carry around with them taking away from you.

 

You will never get closure from a conversation because the chances are you will either be told what you want to hear which could make it worse or worse still not get the answers you want. I have done alot of reading and have learnt that I need to give myself closure. Its not down to him to decide how things end its down to me to be strong enough to know it has to/did end and push forward with rebuilding my life/strength and future.

 

I am a relatively strong person. However, I do believe that to date at 39 years of age I have been betrayed by what I felt to this point was the love of my life. I have learned that if I can deal with these feelings with the great advice here and something as easy as NC meaning no contact everyone should be able to.

 

Good luck x

 

I couldn't have said it better than maidai. The more you stick to this both mentally and physically, the faster you will heal. I read a lot of articles on closure as well. While I thought I was 100% positive that I wanted to end the relationship, I struggled with the closure conversation for weeks.

 

 

Google Baggage Reclaim and read about Closure in Natalie's blog. That was a great help to me. In a nutshell, closure is NOT about you and your AP/xAP, it's just about you.

 

 

I went through a process similar to maidai. I went through all the scenarios of the "closure" conversation, and there was no outcome imaginable that was really going to make me happy, so I never went forward with that conversation (thankfully).

[maidai]

I went through a process similar to maidai. I went through all the scenarios of the "closure" conversation, and there was no outcome imaginable that was really going to make me happy, so I never went forward with that conversation (thankfully).

 

Exactly this!

 

The only good conversation outcome that I could have gotten is..... I went demented for a second. I went back to my abusive wife after 3 years seperated on the day of the divorce and I am sorry. It is you I love and you I want to be with. It will never happen again yada yada......

 

FACT: He went back to his abusive wife 3 years after their seperation. They were 18mnths seperated when we met.

 

How even if that conversation had been had and the outcome I had wanted happened could I trust him again? How if 3 years free of her control and abuse he had a moment of weakness and went back could I trust him 1 day clean of her? I never could have.

 

He broke what we had. He trampled it. The trust was broke in 1 split second. The second he allowed her back into his life in a physical and emotional sense.

 

Even if he left his wife, started divorce and moved in and committed to you would you trust him? Would you trust he really meant he was free of his life and would happily be with you forever? Would you worry, get paranoid, spend all your time not being you but being what you felt he wanted you to be? It would eat you up and break you down and you would end up not only destroying the relationship you would destroy yourself!

 

Once these relationships destroy I believe and really believe especially in my case he should not be with either me or his wife. All 3 of us should be clear of each other because of lack of trust regardless each scenario this relationship could play out in hell...... even if I ended up with his wife the trust and damage has been done on every level! I know now even though his wife knew of me and was happy of his relationship with me through the 18mnth period it will be driving her mad. I dont trust him, she does not trust him, she cheated during their marriage so he does not trust her. I know he is with her, she does not know he is not with me.

 

I can already envisage the rows that if not already happening are probably going to start happening down the line. The euphoria of a rushed reunion will no doubt soon start to slide and the issues they failed to resolve will rear again. He had not broken my trust to this point. They have broken each others trust repeatedly over the last 8-9 years. Good luck to them because they will need it and balls of steel aswell.

 

We all need to be free of each other. They though are not my look out.

 

Get out and stay out. Find someone who is free to love you and have you love them back unconditionally.

Edited August 21, 2013 by maidai