How many of you never broke NC

[maidai]

I am just interested to know how many of you decided to go NC and never broke it. Was it the 1st time you decided to go NC and stuck with it straight away. What part were you in the R OW/OM, MM/MW? How long had the relationship being going on in what context full or LDR EA etc and what was the defining moment that made you realise it had to stop? How long did it take you to pull back yourself.

 

Also what did you do at the time to make changes in your life that you felt worked?

 

After 18mnths of being the non classic OW ie MM was long term seperated and divorce was underway and W was fully aware of us as a couple he went back. I instigated NC instantly and have not looked back over the last 2 weeks. It works so much so I want to shake friends around me going backwards and forth and say please try this! I am healing quickly but I have also made a lot of changes for myself. My Dad died just before all this hit and he was supporting me through that so I could not have been lower. I thought why not at my lowest do a full 360 on life and come back stronger in every sense. I have already lost 6 stone the last 2 years and need to lose the last 2. Since the break up I have started to learn to ride a bike again, am going to cave training which is an intense workout, walking the dogs, heading to pubs with my mates, I have also stopped my 30 a day smoking habit and am doing well with an e cig. I am very very much aswell enjoying my quiet time watching movies and enjoying easing myself back into my busy work schedule. I have already lost another 8 lb and can see the toning happening and feel great. I am lucky that although we live close to I can avoid my MM but should I bump into him I am sure I will look a million dollars. Not for him though for ME!

Edited August 21, 2013 by maidai

[If-I-Only-Knew]

We've tried NC before 3 times. Failed all 3 times. I'm a MM and she's a MW. Going on for about a year... Even tried LC but failed that.

[Sarabi]

I was the OW

He broke NC twice. We are currently NC and I think we both hope never to hear from each other again. I never initially broke NC on those two occasions but I guess once I heard enough bleating on his end I made the bad decision to respond and we went back to square one

What was the defining moment? Hmmmm...feeling bad about it all the time. After all what was the point? Why continue doing something that makes you feel bad about what you are doing to your wife? And if you feel bad about it why not stop and try to make things better in your relationship? He used to talk to me about a lot of stuff that really bothered him...we were very close. It was very emotional. Mostly emotional but physical too.

He went on holiday with his family for a month and I thought that would be a good time to start winding it down. After he came back I was getting too annoyed and upset all the time to the point when it felt like I was putting too much pressure on him. I spoke to him about it and I told him that it was unfair to his wife and didn't he think we should stop? What was to be gained by any of it...more lying and exhausting sneaking around whilst this thing went absolutely nowhere(for me anyway not for him. The two of them have each other). I mentioned that I wanted NC to move on and heal and forget about him...

We spoke a bit more...then got really pissed off with each other one day and haven't spoken since

 

What have I been doing since? Well...nothing much really. Changed hours at work...so I can now socialise in the evenings. Reading Bible and different books. I am currently reading a memoir about some ladies whose husbands were killed in the september 11th attacks. Also dipping into a book or two on how to make better relationship choices and those "why men love b!tches " books

Cycling more. Losing weight gradually...

 

Understand, I am not really really happy about everything. I don't feel "over" it, as if none of it matters or it never happened or your feelings just disappear overnight. I don't feel good about everything. I still sometimes question my worth and value and if I truly deserve love or any sort of loving relationship, EVER...at any point in my life but well...what can we do?

[Calcmag]

The first time I instigated NC after ending my affair, I stayed NC for 10 months.

Broke it at the 10 month mark. I couldn't believe I'd done it, but I'd told myself I must be over it so it was safe to text him a quick 'hi hows it going?' catch up text. My capacity for fooling myself is immense...that contact and his replies set me right back. I never gave in to seeing him again, and we never spoke on the phone again. I thought a text would be harmless but it wasn't. I had a few slips in the following months, again by sending text messages, but then one day I decided that really was it. And I never contacted him again.

[Summer Breeze]

When I was done with the A and wanted more I told him. I let him know I wanted more and he said no. I said bye and I didn't contact him again til 5 years later when he was almost D. He never stopped sending me messages and gifts on certain occasions. I never acknowledged anything so he was flying totally blind. Even after I read the email with the copy of his D papers I hesitated.

[thefooloftheyear]

MM...

 

I never did, however she (OW) did, maybe 30 times..It takes two to break NC..She contacted me via my company and I had no way to know who was calling as I dont have caller ID...I ignored any calls/texts to my cell phone..

 

I do wish her well...

 

TFY

[TaintedLuv]

Almost xOW here...

 

I lost count of how many NCs we attempted over the last five and a half years. We were both guilty of breaking it. Since the baby news, I've held my end of the NC bargain but he hasn't. I guess nothing changed in either our lives to force us to stop since our feelings clearly have never faded. It's easier for me now to not contact him because they're expecting their first child in a couple weeks. If that's not enough to run far far away, I don't know what is. He promises to leave me alone for good. I think that'll depend on how the dynamic of his life changes with the new addition. I feel like if he ends up even more unhappy, it's very possible he will break again but this time I'm determined to stay strong for myself and my future.

[Feb]

Tried LC the first time. We worked together (offices right next to each other sharing a wall), so NC was almost impossible.

 

The second time I left my job, so full NC and neither one of us have broken it. Such a huge relief.

[Feb]

The first time I instigated NC after ending my affair, I stayed NC for 10 months.

Broke it at the 10 month mark. I couldn't believe I'd done it, but I'd told myself I must be over it so it was safe to text him a quick 'hi hows it going?' catch up text. My capacity for fooling myself is immense...that contact and his replies set me right back. I never gave in to seeing him again, and we never spoke on the phone again. I thought a text would be harmless but it wasn't. I had a few slips in the following months, again by sending text messages, but then one day I decided that really was it. And I never contacted him again.

 

That is really interesting. I'm only 4 or 5 months NC. My hope is that I will never have the urge to text him even an innocent message. What was your frame of mind with the 'hows it going?' message? Curiosity? Trying to see if you could be friends again?

[hermione08]

I went NC last year and lasted 3 months, then again this April and have been NC ever since.

I feel much better than last year, this is probably due to the fact that I was in a bad place in my personal life, while now things have generally improved.

I don't plan to break NC, we have said everything we had to say to each other.

He promised to leave his wife and never did, despite never ceasing to affirm that he wanted to so, that he wanted me and that his only concern was his son.

The moment comes when you don't believe a thing he says, even 2+2=4 and therefore there's no distance left to run.

What's the point of breaking NC when you cannot communicate?

[Red Wolverine]

I'm a fOW...

 

NC is an odd concept. To me, I ended the relationship so there shouldn't be any further contact.

 

I ended it once because I didn't want an affair indefinitely.

 

He came back, said he was going to divorce and established a timeline.

 

I ended it again when he didn't meet his timeline. I will never contact him again.

 

NC is typically used here as a game of cat and mouse or a transitional period. I'm all in or out so that either means you're in the affair or it's over....period.

[Calcmag]

That is really interesting. I'm only 4 or 5 months NC. My hope is that I will never have the urge to text him even an innocent message. What was your frame of mind with the 'hows it going?' message? Curiosity? Trying to see if you could be friends again?

 

At the time I told myself it was just curiosity. But it was only afterwards that I realised the truth - it actually wasn't just curiosity at all, I still had strong feelings for him but was in denial. Ugh. When he replied it set my feelings back to where they had been at their most intense.

[TaintedLuv]

At the time I told myself it was just curiosity. But it was only afterwards that I realised the truth - it actually wasn't just curiosity at all, I still had strong feelings for him but was in denial. Ugh. When he replied it set my feelings back to where they had been at their most intense.

 

This kills me. I could be a month into NC. The second we interact, it goes right back to where we were before NC. I chalk this upto the fact that in an A, the feelings have no closure. They're buried due to a dday or the ow having enough. This is why I need to stay away forever and hope to never come across him again. He's my kryptonite.

[maidai]

I'm a fOW...

 

NC is an odd concept. To me, I ended the relationship so there shouldn't be any further contact.

 

I ended it once because I didn't want an affair indefinitely.

 

He came back, said he was going to divorce and established a timeline.

 

I ended it again when he didn't meet his timeline. I will never contact him again.

 

NC is typically used here as a game of cat and mouse or a transitional period. I'm all in or out so that either means you're in the affair or it's over....period.

 

I think you think very much like me.

 

I initiated NC because I wanted NC. His behaviour was at the least cruel and cowardly more veering towards vile and disgusting.

 

Why would I ever want to engage with someone like that again? He in the split second he treated me in the way he did made me completely realise someone I trusted and loved wholeheartedly was untrustworthy and not worthy of my love and loyalty either.

 

I did not engage in NC as a punishment for him, or to try and play a game of he will come running when he knows I am not interested. I engaged in NC for me, to heal, to move on, to accept quickly he was an asswipe and to rebuild my life without him in it.

 

Of course I have just 2 weeks on the odd painful pang but I push it away and do something. I refuse to focus on the bad stuff or even the fact that we had a wonderful 18mnths together and focus on the good stuff. I just do not want to go there.

 

I feel strong, capable and in control but read so many stories on these boards where people have a momentary lapse and contact the other person and I do not want to go there.

 

This forum has been a godsend. I am sticking around in the hope the thought ever crosses my mind or I need to get something out I can read/do that here. Each day reading more and more heartbreaking stories and situations makes me realise more and more I do not want to be that person suffering so badly that pain.

[MMY]

? about NC. I am 4 mths NC from ExAP (18 mth A) and she went NC with me.

 

Her last communications with me was " I have to focus on my kids as I go the this D" and " I cant continue to be Selfish"

 

I did ask if what we had was real to her and I thought we could talk as friends, she said "friends yes but it is more difficult than I ever imagined with the D " and she said I Love You and that was it.

 

All of this happened after Dday and she has never blocked me from anything. My W and I are continuing to work on our M and I had to end up removing her from my FB.

 

My ? is did she go NC forever? or was she needing time to focus on her and her kids? I have since realized a D is not easy or quick, especially with 2 small kids.

 

I have not contacted her and respecting her as a friend as she is going through troubled times. She did leave me in a bad spot of not knowing what was going on and with my W finding out about us and poof gone. While her H "as far as I know doesn't know about us.

 

Thanks

[Red Wolverine]

? about NC. I am 4 mths NC from ExAP (18 mth A) and she went NC with me.

 

Her last communications with me was " I have to focus on my kids as I go the this D" and " I cant continue to be Selfish"

 

I did ask if what we had was real to her and I thought we could talk as friends, she said "friends yes but it is more difficult than I ever imagined with the D " and she said I Love You and that was it.

 

All of this happened after Dday and she has never blocked me from anything. My W and I are continuing to work on our M and I had to end up removing her from my FB.

 

My ? is did she go NC forever? or was she needing time to focus on her and her kids? I have since realized a D is not easy or quick, especially with 2 small kids.

 

I have not contacted her and respecting her as a friend as she is going through troubled times. She did leave me in a bad spot of not knowing what was going on and with my W finding out about us and poof gone. While her H "as far as I know doesn't know about us.

 

Thanks

 

If you're working on your marriage, shouldn't NC be forever? A conditional reconciliation, dependent on the OW breaking NC, would be a false reconciliation.

 

Honestly, she didn't put you in a bad spot, you did. She actually did the most responsible thing by making a decision to end the affair.

 

I salute ANYONE who actually makes a decision and follows through, regardless of what side of the triangle they sat on.

[Cocochai]

I'm the OW. I've broken things off like 3 times, he's done it twice. Every time I called the A off he would break NC. But this time when I demanded more of what I deserved, he didn't break it. I broke NC and it made me feel needy and desperate although he was willing and able still.

 

The last straw was kicking him off my FB account. It's been three good solid weeks since he ignored my last text of me telling him off.

 

The longest NC we've ever gone was a little over a month.

[MissBee]

At the beginning of NC I let about 5 months pass before I reached out via email. I emailed, he never responded, but just sending that email freed me in some way and I never looked back and didn't ever contact him or him me until an entire year later he emailed me on my birthday a lengthy email explaining certain things, saying he thought about me everyday, thought of calling me so many times but got scared, he thought it was best he disappear, blah blah and saying he tried to call me at midnight but I had changed my number (I was like what? We haven't spoken in a year and you felt it would have been no big deal to be the first to call me on my birthday??? Ok ). I didn't even know what to make of it by then...I'd also gotten a new bf and ironically we had broken up some days before my birthday and before my exAP resurfaced and I was in no mood for him.

 

So in short I did break NC once via an email...but it didn't lead to a conversation or reengaging in the A. And after that time I never did again and went a year without speaking to him at all and even moved on and had a new single bf.

Edited August 22, 2013 by MissBee

[Sooverhim]

I went NC last year and lasted 3 months, then again this April and have been NC ever since.

I feel much better than last year, this is probably due to the fact that I was in a bad place in my personal life, while now things have generally improved.

I don't plan to break NC, we have said everything we had to say to each other.

He promised to leave his wife and never did, despite never ceasing to affirm that he wanted to so, that he wanted me and that his only concern was his son.

The moment comes when you don't believe a thing he says, even 2+2=4 and therefore there's no distance left to run.

What's the point of breaking NC when you cannot communicate?

 

Agreed Hermoine, that is it!

 

I broke up with my XMM many many times, and usually I would cave and contact him again because I couldn't accept/believe that it wasn't what I thought it was/wanted it to be/hoped and dreamed it would be, that he didn't really love me, that he really did love his wife and was using me for sex. I didn't want to have to face up to the fact that I had risked everything I have, a fantastic husband, two wonderful boys and a happy home for something so futile, selfish, pointless and worthless. There were 2 times when my XMM broke NC, once 6 months after I ended it and then 8 months after that, but by that time I was completely over him, completely back in love with my H and marriage strong and happy again, so was not tempted to go back down that road with XMM again, and never will be, thankfully.

 

But what you said Hermoine, about the point at which it is over is when you don't believe anything that they said is absolutely true. That was what did it for me. That was my big slap in the face, pouring a bucket of cold water over me and shaking sense back into me. I thank my lucky stars for that moment ... it gave me the strength and determination to get out for good:)

[bbarnt]

I tried to leave this affair for long time and we had many short breakups (2-3 days) when either her or myself would break NC and get back together. However, there were three major breakups over last two years (each lasting for several months). All three times I initiated NC. First time she broke it after about a month with "just to say hi" IM and later coming to see me in face. Second time she used lame excuses to get back in touch with me after nearly two months of not hearing from each other. It was because she heard I am leaving to live abroad and she tried to stop me by promising she will sort out things with BS. This time I told her to contact me only if she is ready to be with me for real and that I hope it will be before it is too late. She did not try to contact me for nearly two months although she tries to provoke my reaction through fb wall updates suggesting she misses me. I have no desire to contact her and am pretty sure that I would not be willing to talk with her at all if she tries to contact me.

[maidai]

I've done NC three times and succeeded three times. I've been doing it since I was a teenager, before I even knew it was a "thing". My icy little heart heals so much better this way. For me, there's no turning back. For me, to do so is weak and I hate being weak. Plus, I've always operated under the notion that what's done is done. No matter who ended it, no matter why it was done so for a reason so let it be. In my latest situation I ended it for good because it wasn't going anywhere and was too painful to keep playing with fire.

 

Honestly I use it in all aspects of life, or rather in all types of relationships I no longer wish to be involved in (friendships, etc) it's always worked fabulously. I've cut off toxic friends and sadly, even family this way. Once I reach my breaking point with someone (and believe me, I do put up with quite a lot) I just can't continue on. No "reaching out" no checking in, no nothing.

 

Are you me? You sound exactly how I think. I sometimes think I think like a man more than a woman. I really do think I am guilty of boxing stuff up and shoving it under my bed almost so to speak. I am kind hearted and good, I will always do for people but once that line has been crossed its a burnt bridge.