difficult choices

[proteus]

I met a woman about 3 months ago, and all I knew of her then was that she had a real piece of ##### for a boyfriend, that she was getting rid of. And she had two kids by him.

 

we started seeing one another and I fell madly in love with her. I know that she is the one for me. My soul mate, the one I have been waiting for my whole life. But, you guessed it, there is a catch.

 

Now the beginning.

 

She has had a very rough life,being mentally abused by her family. Controlled by them so much that she automatically does what they say, without any real thought about it. Like reflex.

 

And the hand full of guys that shes had in her life have treated her like #####. she is accustomed to abuse, acepts it as a part of life.

 

Then she meets me. I treat her in a way she has never know before. I see the love in her eyes and hear it in her voice, but it's like she is afraid of feeling so good. That she is afraid tha I am too good to be true, like I will desert her like everyone else has...

 

So, now she is going to give this piece of crap another chance. I know how the abuseive relationships work. All of the women in my family over the age of 15 have been in at least one in their life, and most of them took years to finally get out, and say that they have had enough...

 

I am the only thing she has right now, she has no other kind of emotional support, no one else she can turn to. But I find It so hard to just sit back and witness this...not do anything at all except listen when she talks and tell her that everything is going to work out. But, she isn't with me and until she leave him behind it won't be alright for her or the kids.

 

Her oldest is 2 years old, and is already starting to immitate his fathers behavior. He is so intelligent, he picks up on things so quickly...and he sees all the negatives in a relationship...he will be just like his father unless something is done soon.

 

She is so confused, and I just don't know how to deal with this situation or even if I should.

 

I want and need her so badly, that I find it hard to keep myself from running the guy off.

 

But, I think she is worth waiting for.

 

and even if I din't love her, I'd still want to help her and the kids get out of a bad situation...

 

Believe me I know how hard it is for them to get out...

 

I need advice, and quick.

 

From anyone who thinks they have sound advice. Especially anyone who has gone through a similar experience. From either perspective, victim of abuse or the friend trying to help...

 

Please, She's not the only one who is confused...

 

Thank you for any insight you can provide

[Bummed out]

I think that the two of you should go to counseling...after a few sessions start taking her oldest....abusive behavior is a viscious cycle and has to be broken....this will give the two of you a chance to find out where your relationship is going and give her a chance to realize that she is worthy of unconditional love....

I met a woman about 3 months ago, and all I knew of her then was that she had a real piece of ##### for a boyfriend, that she was getting rid of. And she had two kids by him. we started seeing one another and I fell madly in love with her. I know that she is the one for me. My soul mate, the one I have been waiting for my whole life. But, you guessed it, there is a catch. Now the beginning. She has had a very rough life,being mentally abused by her family. Controlled by them so much that she automatically does what they say, without any real thought about it. Like reflex. And the hand full of guys that shes had in her life have treated her like #####. she is accustomed to abuse, acepts it as a part of life. Then she meets me. I treat her in a way she has never know before. I see the love in her eyes and hear it in her voice, but it's like she is afraid of feeling so good. That she is afraid tha I am too good to be true, like I will desert her like everyone else has... So, now she is going to give this piece of crap another chance. I know how the abuseive relationships work. All of the women in my family over the age of 15 have been in at least one in their life, and most of them took years to finally get out, and say that they have had enough... I am the only thing she has right now, she has no other kind of emotional support, no one else she can turn to. But I find It so hard to just sit back and witness this...not do anything at all except listen when she talks and tell her that everything is going to work out. But, she isn't with me and until she leave him behind it won't be alright for her or the kids. Her oldest is 2 years old, and is already starting to immitate his fathers behavior. He is so intelligent, he picks up on things so quickly...and he sees all the negatives in a relationship...he will be just like his father unless something is done soon. She is so confused, and I just don't know how to deal with this situation or even if I should.

 

I want and need her so badly, that I find it hard to keep myself from running the guy off.

 

But, I think she is worth waiting for. and even if I din't love her, I'd still want to help her and the kids get out of a bad situation...

 

Believe me I know how hard it is for them to get out... I need advice, and quick. From anyone who thinks they have sound advice. Especially anyone who has gone through a similar experience. From either perspective, victim of abuse or the friend trying to help... Please, She's not the only one who is confused...

 

Thank you for any insight you can provide

[red]

I'm have a similar situation, I try helping her, and she is contantly asking for my help.. she is also in a abusive relationship, and she tells me no one has ever treated her with the respect, attention, and devotion like the way I do, all the guys she has ever met including the current one, is only interested in having sex,using her and nothing, else,.. I also think she is worth the wait, but, I wonder, ,, what keeps her in that relationship?

 

so, I question, is the care you give her and the support really a way to help her? or a way to keep them together??

 

and if this aid keeping them together are you really helping her? and I know what goes thru your mind.. you need to help her.. right?

 

in my case, I done alot for her.. she know this, but, she is still with him? although what I done for her has been done to help her, it also has helped him,,,and has helped them stay together,,, The pattern is the same also, his mother, and dad have a miserable relationship,,, what scares me is that, i can see her getting married to this guy,,, and have the same missarable life.. and i know some may think,, is non of your business,,, but, I know how you feel,,, it is hard to love someone and see them leave in a hell like that, yet, you can't help someone that does not want to help themselves,..

 

Dont have advice... but, I share your feelings.

 

Good luck..

[proteus]

yes, I have thought of that too, maybe I am helping to keep her there, but...she was already in the relationship to begin with. I just don't see how that can help, but I really do appreciate your time and sympathy...And I am glad, sort of, that I am not the only one in this kind of cycle....

I'm have a similar situation, I try helping her, and she is contantly asking for my help.. she is also in a abusive relationship, and she tells me no one has ever treated her with the respect, attention, and devotion like the way I do, all the guys she has ever met including the current one, is only interested in having sex,using her and nothing, else,.. I also think she is worth the wait, but, I wonder, ,, what keeps her in that relationship? so, I question, is the care you give her and the support really a way to help her? or a way to keep them together?? and if this aid keeping them together are you really helping her? and I know what goes thru your mind.. you need to help her.. right? in my case, I done alot for her.. she know this, but, she is still with him? although what I done for her has been done to help her, it also has helped him,,,and has helped them stay together,,, The pattern is the same also, his mother, and dad have a miserable relationship,,, what scares me is that, i can see her getting married to this guy,,, and have the same missarable life.. and i know some may think,, is non of your business,,, but, I know how you feel,,, it is hard to love someone and see them leave in a hell like that, yet, you can't help someone that does not want to help themselves,.. Dont have advice... but, I share your feelings.

 

Good luck..

[proteus]

Thank you for your response,

 

I know that that is the right thing to do, but getting her to agree will be difficult since she is still with the other guy....It's a very small town we live in. But I will discuss it with her and hope for the best...Maybe if more people respond to my message and have similar things to say, I will give her the address to this site and let her read them all...I just don't know...

I think that the two of you should go to counseling...after a few sessions start taking her oldest....abusive behavior is a viscious cycle and has to be broken....this will give the two of you a chance to find out where your relationship is going and give her a chance to realize that she is worthy of unconditional love....