MM/BS aniversary

[Sarabi]

This is off topic, I know, but what is your avatar?

 

For weeks every time I see it, I am trying to figure it out.

 

Is it happy pills? Utz cheese balls? Captain Crunch?

 

I've been wondering it as well I thought it was chickpeas...or as you call them, garbanzo beans

[bentleychic]

I not only know their anniversary, I actually reminded him when it was this year b/c he forgets all important dates. (He didn't ask me to, ftr. I asked if they were doing anything and he was like "oh *expletive*, I'm not even sure what day it is.")

 

Our one year "anniversary" of when we started talking again just passed. We saw each other that day, but that's all. I actually forgot that it was that day until after he'd left. LOL

[MissBee]

I remember about 2 years ago an OW came on LS and told us about how she helped MM plan his anniversary vacation, picked out the place and booked it. I didn't know what to really make of it at all....

[bentleychic]

LOL That is way beyond what I could/would do. I didn't even intend to tell him their anniversary. All he'd have to do was look on fb, anyway, if he'd thought to.

[skylarblue]

xMM and I didn't celebrate our "anniversary", but we did acknowledge it (as was the same with any of my LTRs). He and W did celebrate theirs, but I didn't know their date until 5yrs into the A (which lasted for 7yrs). I don't know in what capacity they celebrated those 5yrs, but their following anniversary, he called me several times while they were at a restaurant having dinner. The anniversary after that, he opted to work overtime so he could see me instead. Their anniversary after we broke up, he said he wasn't going to do anything or buy her a gift. I don't know if that was true, but I have my doubts. This year I didn't even ask or care, but did wish him a happy anniversary.

 

When it was a PA only, I didn't care how or if they celebrated (although at times, I was curious). I assumed they did just because they were married, and accepted that it was part of the package of being with him. When it became an EA also, the only thing that would've really bothered me was if he was over-affectionate (like too many "I love you" blah blah blah) or if he had sex with her (which I asked and he agreed not too).

[LilGirlandOW]

their anniv update:

 

He asked to make plans with me for that day... he's trying to get out of work for that day. MM act in strange ways, lol.

[anne1707]

their anniv update:

 

He asked to make plans with me for that day... he's trying to get out of work for that day. MM act in strange ways, lol.

 

Actually I am not at all surprised at your MM doing this. He will spend the day with you when his wife thinks he is at work and then he will go home and celebrate his anniversary with his wife. He is playing you both. Lying to her but still staying with her. Letting you think you are so special because he will spend the day with you. With your particular MM I see this as just another one of his power games with him after you feeling all grateful that he has done this for you.

[bentleychic]

Actually I am not at all surprised at your MM doing this. He will spend the day with you when his wife thinks he is at work and then he will go home and celebrate his anniversary with his wife. He is playing you both. Lying to her but still staying with her. Letting you think you are so special because he will spend the day with you. With your particular MM I see this as just another one of his power games with him after you feeling all grateful that he has done this for you.

 

Exactly. They play games. Make you feel special.

 

I get excited when I get lots of contact or a phone call on the weekend (very rare!). Normally, the next day follows with no contact at all. It's like he knows he's going to suck the next day so he tries to make up for it the day before, whether it's so I justify the breadcrumbs to myself or so if I say something, he can say "But look at how much I contacted you/called you yesterday.", I'm not sure. Either way it sucks and we keep putting up with it so they keep getting away with it!

[LilGirlandOW]

BentlyChic,

 

I go through the same thing. We at least text everyday. But I have come to expect after extreme contact... less contact. The patterns are so predictable, I used to go through extreme highs and lows keeping up with the peaks and valleys... now my emotion towards everything has become much more mellow as I read and share more here and open myself up to expect more from him. I'm far from the starry eyed lover I was a few months back.

 

As far as their anniv goes, and him wanting to spend that day with me... I think its alll smoke and mirrors. I get that he's not "in love" with her, if he was he wouldnt be making love to me and engaging so heavily in the emotional side of our A.

 

When I start getting confused and my head starts playing tricks on me, I try to boil it down to the basics;

 

(wMM + BS + kids + life built + Secure Love) > (OW + sexual validation + Dopamine Love).

 

In his head;

 

BS + Kids + life built + Secure love + OW + sexual validation + Dopamine Love = MM's

[jlola]

BentlyChic,

 

 

As far as their anniv goes, and him wanting to spend that day with me... I think its alll smoke and mirrors. I get that he's not "in love" with her, if he was he wouldnt be making love to me and engaging so heavily in the emotional side of our A.

+ life built + Secure Love) > (OW + sexual validation + Dopamine Love).

 

In his head;

 

BS + Kids + life built + Secure love + OW + sexual validation + Dopamine Love = MM's

 

It's called narcissism ans all narcissist need good supply. Supply will cater to their ego, their fantasy, their need to control.

 

It is always amazing to me when people ask why a MM would stick around since and have emotional connection, even if some OW offer no sex.

 

Because,narcissistic supply is even more important than sex. that is why some people can have LD or online affairs. It is all about fantasy,ego and control.

 

Sorry, but this site should be an eye opener for OW. There seems to be no shortage of losers when it comes to MM. One is worse than the next. But OW keep defending them.

 

Most OW want to give them a pass and blame MM atrocious behavior on "unhappiness" caused by the BS. thinking they will be the one to make the frog into a prince with their love.

 

But these men are ALL who they are and I stand my ground. Most people in affairs are the ones with the internal issues. they point the finger at their spouse, but without selfishness,entitlement,need for validation, ego stroking and a bit of A**hole in the mix. they would not be able to look at their spouse and kids in the eye and lie day in and day out. while they play fantasy games ,play victim and future fake with OW/OM. It takes a special sort of "heart" or better yet, lack of soul, to do that.

 

People of character and integrity cannot play this game for long. A one night stand may be out of character and forgivable. But these folks sure show you who they are. But the surprising part, even after their mask is off OW still want them. Life i too short for women with choices to involve themselves with such men.

 

If you are involved with these types, stop looking at this as a compliment and look internally to see what is missing in you to think this MM is the cat's meow while everyone else sees the loser. The emporer has no clothes!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's called narcissism ans all narcissist need good supply. Supply will cater to their ego, their fantasy, their need to control.

 

It is always amazing to me when people ask why a MM would stick around since and have emotional connection, even if some OW offer no sex.

 

Because,narcissistic supply is even more important than sex. that is why some people can have LD or online affairs. It is all about fantasy,ego and control.

 

Sorry, but this site should be an eye opener for OW. There seems to be no shortage of losers when it comes to MM. One is worse than the next. But OW keep defending them.

 

Most OW want to give them a pass and blame MM atrocious behavior on "unhappiness" caused by the BS. thinking they will be the one to make the frog into a prince with their love.

 

But these men are ALL who they are and I stand my ground. Most people in affairs are the ones with the internal issues. they point the finger at their spouse, but without selfishness,entitlement,need for validation, ego stroking and a bit of A**hole in the mix. they would not be able to look at their spouse and kids in the eye and lie day in and day out. while they play fantasy games ,play victim and future fake with OW/OM. It takes a special sort of "heart" or better yet, lack of soul, to do that.

 

People of character and integrity cannot play this game for long. A one night stand may be out of character and forgivable. But these folks sure show you who they are. But the surprising part, even after their mask is off OW still want them. Life i too short for women with choices to involve themselves with such men.

 

If you are involved with these types, stop looking at this as a compliment and look internally to see what is missing in you to think this MM is the cat's meow while everyone else sees the loser. The emporer has no clothes!

 

Awesome! Nail.On.Head! Beautifully put. It really is that simple!

[ladydesigner]

But the surprising part, even after their mask is off OW still want them. Life i too short for women with choices to involve themselves with such men.

 

The MM practically has the mask half on when he is with the OW. She knows he has two different sides, one with her and one with the BS. The BS doesn't usually realize this side exists until DDay, then the MM cannot put the mask back on quick enough.

[georgia girl]

It's called narcissism ans all narcissist need good supply. Supply will cater to their ego, their fantasy, their need to control.

 

It is always amazing to me when people ask why a MM would stick around since and have emotional connection, even if some OW offer no sex.

 

Because,narcissistic supply is even more important than sex. that is why some people can have LD or online affairs. It is all about fantasy,ego and control.

 

Sorry, but this site should be an eye opener for OW. There seems to be no shortage of losers when it comes to MM. One is worse than the next. But OW keep defending them.

 

Most OW want to give them a pass and blame MM atrocious behavior on "unhappiness" caused by the BS. thinking they will be the one to make the frog into a prince with their love.

 

But these men are ALL who they are and I stand my ground. Most people in affairs are the ones with the internal issues. they point the finger at their spouse, but without selfishness,entitlement,need for validation, ego stroking and a bit of A**hole in the mix. they would not be able to look at their spouse and kids in the eye and lie day in and day out. while they play fantasy games ,play victim and future fake with OW/OM. It takes a special sort of "heart" or better yet, lack of soul, to do that.

 

People of character and integrity cannot play this game for long. A one night stand may be out of character and forgivable. But these folks sure show you who they are. But the surprising part, even after their mask is off OW still want them. Life i too short for women with choices to involve themselves with such men.

 

If you are involved with these types, stop looking at this as a compliment and look internally to see what is missing in you to think this MM is the cat's meow while everyone else sees the loser. The emporer has no clothes!

 

 

If I could like this 1,000 times I would! This is what I've always been trying to say on Loveshack.

 

Particularly as women, we tend to attach our hopes and dreams to someone we're committed to - envisioning a future with him - and also we assign them qualities we're LOOKING for, but not necessarily qualities they HAVE.

 

So, they disappoint us. And disappoint us. And disappoint us.

 

Somehow, we let it slide and this doesn't just go for the married men out there, it goes for all of the deal breakers out there. The man who can't commit; the man who drinks/uses too much; the man who can't work, etc.

 

It's NOT OKAY. Value yourself more than ANY man ever. Value the life that you want. And make him prove it over and over again. (By the way, in a loving, balanced relationship, you will also be proving back to him that you can be the partner he needs.)

 

But ladies, this is a call to action. You deserve and can have the life you've always wanted but you have to be willing to stand up for yourself, reject that which is not okay and be willing to be alone and lonely for a little while to get to the right guy at the right time with the right relationship.

 

Hugs, GG

[Speakingofwhich]

I don't think my MM and his BW celebrated anniversaries, b'days or much of anything together. It is a long term, seemingly stale R.

[Speakingofwhich]

Sorry, but this site should be an eye opener for OW. There seems to be no shortage of losers when it comes to MM. One is worse than the next. But OW keep defending them.

 

Most OW want to give them a pass and blame MM atrocious behavior on "unhappiness" caused by the BS. thinking they will be the one to make the frog into a prince with their love.

 

But these men are ALL who they are and I stand my ground. Most people in affairs are the ones with the internal issues. they point the finger at their spouse, but without selfishness,entitlement,need for validation, ego stroking and a bit of A**hole in the mix. they would not be able to look at their spouse and kids in the eye and lie day in and day out. while they play fantasy games ,play victim and future fake with OW/OM. It takes a special sort of "heart" or better yet, lack of soul, to do that.

 

Although I agree with much of this thoughtful post, I would like to mention that my, now exMM, didn't point the finger at his BW, but did point it at himself and his issues as the reason his M was messed up. And he told me of the things he has done to mess it up. Whereas, actually, both of them are responsible for the state their M is in.

[bentleychic]

Mine has never said a bad word about his W, either.

[jlola]

The MM practically has the mask half on when he is with the OW. She knows he has two different sides, one with her and one with the BS. The BS doesn't usually realize this side exists until DDay, then the MM cannot put the mask back on quick enough.

 

LadyD,

 

The irony is that they are two-faced. But apparently OW do not seem to care unless their 2 faced behavior effects them.

 

 

Lil, it breaks my heart that you and MM are going to forever ruin (IF BS ever finds out) a day that should only have good memories for her. No matter what is going on in the marriage right now,it is her day!

 

Can you honestly tell me, if you were married to a man you loved and he took the morning off on your ANNIVERSARY to spend with OW, it would not seriously mess you up? I really do believe for many OW it is a competition. "Let's see how much more you love me". I really cannot wrap my head around the fact you think it's ok for him to take the day off,spend it with you and then go play 2 faced with his wife/

 

I hope one day you wake up and understand what a man with character and integrity looks like ! MM is morally bankrupt, has tons of baggage and as you will admit, people are shocked you would date him. Yes, he did way better for himself. But why are you so satisfied with the short end of the stick??What is it within you that makes you think this is the low caliber you deserve. Sounds almost like brainwashing.

 

His salary and education have nothing to do with who he is."Man makes the money,money never makes the man" You say you are a good person, but always remember "water seeks it's own level" so why is this the level you seek?Self reflect!

[HopingAgain]

LadyD,

 

The irony is that they are two-faced. But apparently OW do not seem to care unless their 2 faced behavior effects them.

 

 

Lil, it breaks my heart that you and MM are going to forever ruin (IF BS ever finds out) a day that should only have good memories for her. No matter what is going on in the marriage right now,it is her day!

 

Can you honestly tell me, if you were married to a man you loved and he took the morning off on your ANNIVERSARY to spend with OW, it would not seriously mess you up? I really do believe for many OW it is a competition. "Let's see how much more you love me". I really cannot wrap my head around the fact you think it's ok for him to take the day off,spend it with you and then go play 2 faced with his wife/

 

I hope one day you wake up and understand what a man with character and integrity looks like ! MM is morally bankrupt, has tons of baggage and as you will admit, people are shocked you would date him. Yes, he did way better for himself. But why are you so satisfied with the short end of the stick??What is it within you that makes you think this is the low caliber you deserve. Sounds almost like brainwashing.

 

His salary and education have nothing to do with who he is."Man makes the money,money never makes the man" You say you are a good person, but always remember "water seeks it's own level" so why is this the level you seek?Self reflect!

 

This is so true. Some of these men are more interested in mentally sticking it to the wife and getting back at her in their minds than they are in loving the OW or just being a decent human being in general. Anyone that takes pleasure in the pain of someone he supposedly once loved is just a sick, cruel person and does not deserve to be with anyone. And yes if a woman takes pleasure or joy from her guy hurting someone else on purpose they need to reevaluate themselves as well.

[LilGirlandOW]

First of all it shocked the heck out of me him suggesting that we spend that particular day together. I think its more him playing the game trying to "prove" how much he loves me, doesnt love her. I also think they actually dont celebrate anniv, etc like he says cause she's going out of town for leisure and that day falls right in the middle of her trip. This making it easy for him to "prove" to me whatever it is he's trying to do prove. If this is even the case, since posting and reading LS I'm paranoid of everything he says or does, rightfully so it seems.

 

 

To add to this my MM mostly only speaks bad of BS regarding stuff to do with her attractiveness and (non-existent)sexuality.... and this has only been a couple times, nothing annoying.

 

But I remember one occasion where he told me a story about BS not being supportive enough and not encouraging enough to follow his dreams.....

 

He then proceeded to tell me said dream

 

I faked the biggest "Wow what a great idea" with a shocked smile

 

.....I can understand why BS wasn't 100% on ship with that crazy idea. lol

[jlola]

 

To add to this my MM mostly only speaks bad of BS regarding stuff to do with her attractiveness and (non-existent)sexuality.... and this has only been a couple times, nothing annoying.

lol

 

 

And MM is Adonis? I bet most people look at his wife and think they are about equal in looks.

[LilGirlandOW]

Oh I'd say they absolutly are equal in look, very average, he stays more lean than she but he's not in great shape..

[sweet_pea]

First of all it shocked the heck out of me him suggesting that we spend that particular day together. I think its more him playing the game trying to "prove" how much he loves me, doesnt love her. I also think they actually dont celebrate anniv, etc like he says cause she's going out of town for leisure and that day falls right in the middle of her trip. This making it easy for him to "prove" to me whatever it is he's trying to do prove. If this is even the case, since posting and reading LS I'm paranoid of everything he says or does, rightfully so it seems.

 

 

Well then I wouldn't say he is really choosing you over spending time with his wife on their anniversary. If she isn't going to even be there and you're readily available, well, duh, he'll hang out with you.

 

Also... yeah, I can imagine that if his wife is so called unnattractive, he probably isn't much higher on the hot scale than she is.

[jlola]

Oh I'd say they absolutly are equal in look, very average, he stays more lean than she but he's not in great shape..

 

Funny how he now thinks he can make fun of wife. He must be awfully happy to have a pretty woman who gives his looks more leeway than he deserves and who is not at all as picky as him. Perhaps you should be a bit more picky about inner beauty.

 

But you know Lil, I still have a soft spot for you and hope one day you wake up and find a man of your caliber. I know women who think if they choose a man of a lesser caliber, he will appreciate them, dote on them and never cheat. I would rather be alone than to settle for lousy character,selfishness older,tons of baggage and to top it off not even good looking! I mean come on, what are you getting? Probably validation he can never do better. Why do you want a man who cannot do better?

[LilGirlandOW]

Funny how he now thinks he can make fun of wife. He must be awfully happy to have a pretty woman who gives his looks more leeway than he deserves and who is not at all as picky as him. Perhaps you should be a bit more picky about inner beauty.

 

But you know Lil, I still have a soft spot for you and hope one day you wake up and find a man of your caliber. I know women who think if they choose a man of a lesser caliber, he will appreciate them, dote on them and never cheat. I would rather be alone than to settle for lousy character,selfishness older,tons of baggage and to top it off not even good looking! I mean come on, what are you getting? Probably validation he can never do better. Why do you want a man who cannot do better?

 

I think you are absolutely right. Yeah I seem to find some kind of security in knowing he could never find a woman even close to as attractive as myself to date him. To add to this we worked so closely at work, took every lunch together, etc, everything, there were never any real rumors of the possibility of us being involved in an A... it just seemed that implausible to co-workers. And my workplace had no shortage of A's and A rumors.

[2sunny]

He's spending the time with you simply because she's unavailable.

 

Don't fool yourself - IF he REALLY wanted to be with you - he would divorce her and marry you.

 

But he isn't doing that...