Two questions on triggers and communication

[steakhatgirl]

I've been lurking here for a while and decided to finally ask for help.

 

My first question is in regard to triggers:

If a person has a trigger from past abuse, whose responsibility is it to avoid letting that trigger be an issue? For example, let's say there's something your partner did that triggers feelings of fear, anxiety, nausea. The partner could easily just not do it. We're taking like, not wearing red shoes, not something totally inconvenient or life changing.

Should the partner avoid the action since it's not something they need, or should the abused person just get over it?

 

Question two goes along with the first:

If the recovering partner had communicated what her triggers are and why, what does it mean when her partner says, "I don't see this your way, I don't think it's a big deal, so I'm not going to do anything different."? To me, that says, "my wants trump your ability to feel secure with me." Is my thinking out of line?

 

I guess I'm just wondering how much responsibility is mine to continue working on my recovery so that I have zero triggers (is that even possible?), and how much is his to not choose doing things that he knows triggers me. I don't want to be "the neurotic chick" but well, some things do that to me, and they're "red shoes" levels of "things he could live without."

 

If I need to get all specific cause this is too vague, I will, but I tend to be a private person and was hoping I wouldn't have to give details.

 

Thanks in advance.

[M30USA]

I've been lurking here for a while and decided to finally ask for help.

 

My first question is in regard to triggers:

If a person has a trigger from past abuse, whose responsibility is it to avoid letting that trigger be an issue? For example, let's say there's something your partner did that triggers feelings of fear, anxiety, nausea. The partner could easily just not do it. We're taking like, not wearing red shoes, not something totally inconvenient or life changing.

Should the partner avoid the action since it's not something they need, or should the abused person just get over it?

 

Question two goes along with the first:

If the recovering partner had communicated what her triggers are and why, what does it mean when her partner says, "I don't see this your way, I don't think it's a big deal, so I'm not going to do anything different."? To me, that says, "my wants trump your ability to feel secure with me." Is my thinking out of line?

 

I guess I'm just wondering how much responsibility is mine to continue working on my recovery so that I have zero triggers (is that even possible?), and how much is his to not choose doing things that he knows triggers me. I don't want to be "the neurotic chick" but well, some things do that to me, and they're "red shoes" levels of "things he could live without."

 

If I need to get all specific cause this is too vague, I will, but I tend to be a private person and was hoping I wouldn't have to give details.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Reverse the question. Pretend your boyfriend/spouse is the one who flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. Do you feel like you are responsible for not triggering his outbursts--to the extent that it would be considered your fault (partly or wholly) if he had one of these outbursts?

 

Whatever your answer is, that's my answer to you.

Edited August 21, 2013 by M30USA

[steakhatgirl]

I didn't say anything about anyone flying off the handle. I'm not sure where you got that from.

 

Do I feel partners shouldn't push the other partners hot buttons? Absolutely, assuming they know what those are. It's disrespectful and not conductive to a healthy dialogue or feelings of security in the relationship.

[M30USA]

I didn't say anything about anyone flying off the handle. I'm not sure where you got that from.

 

Do I feel partners shouldn't push the other partners hot buttons? Absolutely, assuming they know what those are. It's disrespectful and not conductive to a healthy dialogue or feelings of security in the relationship.

 

But you were referring to triggers that are arbitrary (like wearing red shoes) and not the result of button pushing. I answered the question under that assumption.

[steakhatgirl]

I guess I don't understand what you're getting at then. A trigger is a button that can be pushed either willingly or by accident and triggers certain feelings, usually fear. I used the example of red shoes because in this case, the trigger is something he could just not do and nothing would happen to him. He wouldn't lose out on anything, he wouldn't be inconvenienced. It IS arbitrary to him, but it's not to ME.

 

I think that, for someone to feel secure, they need to know their partner won't do something on purpose that causes feelings of fear, anxiety, even physical illness. I mean... how is that going to help someone recovery?

 

I guess part of me is worried that I'm with someone who doesn't want to take part in my recovery.

[M30USA]

I guess I don't understand what you're getting at then. A trigger is a button that can be pushed either willingly or by accident and triggers certain feelings, usually fear. I used the example of red shoes because in this case, the trigger is something he could just not do and nothing would happen to him. He wouldn't lose out on anything, he wouldn't be inconvenienced. It IS arbitrary to him, but it's not to ME.

 

I think that, for someone to feel secure, they need to know their partner won't do something on purpose that causes feelings of fear, anxiety, even physical illness. I mean... how is that going to help someone recovery?

 

I guess part of me is worried that I'm with someone who doesn't want to take part in my recovery.

 

And all that may be true. But you should still reverse the roles. Anything you expect from him, you should be able to say you'd do the same. Would you honestly walk on eggshells for him? Or would you say he is abusive man and you're not going to tolerate it? Only you know.

[John316C]

your in a relationship - your both responsible for yourselves and each other. you both might need to stop when you feel like having a mini ego trip and change your behaviour.

[Taramere]

If I need to get all specific cause this is too vague, I will, but I tend to be a private person and was hoping I wouldn't have to give details.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I would caution you against giving details. People handling your disclosures insensitively/irresponsibly is not going to be helpful to you.

 

Regarding the question of triggers, I think it's important to be aware of them and to learn how to manage situations where you're confronted by them. A lot of the time just trying to avoid strong triggers as best you can seems like the most sensible solution. In that sense, I think a partner who exposes you to them for no particular reason other than "you need to get over this" is being a bit ignorant. The other way of looking at it is that if you have a lot of triggers, then their patience might start to wear thin even if they started out with good intentions. It's one thing for professional carers and therapists to be supersensitive to other people's triggers - but for your ordinary person who's just trying to have a relationship, it might be asking for too much. So I suppose you would have to consider the context. If this is an ordinarily empathic and caring boyfriend who suddenly seems to be getting a bit less caring, it might be that he's having a bit of compassion fatigue.

 

I have a friend who has an eating disorder. She talks about triggers, but the reality is that pretty much everything is a trigger. Or more accurately, perhaps, the eating disorder is a constant in her life. An obsession. Nothing particularly triggers it, because it's never actually in a dormant state whereby it could be triggered into an active one. So if she starts saying to me that A, B and C are triggers for her I'm liable to point all that out to her and suggest that she can't realistically expect other people to avoid saying and doing absolutely everything that's a trigger. Because a) so many things are triggers for her, and b) she's going to be anorexic regardless of how much effort other people put into avoiding exposing her to any of her triggers...so inevitably people question how much effort they should be putting in when none of it seems to help in any event.

 

How would you describe your partner in the ordinary course of events? Is he usually quite a compassionate sort of guy, or is being dismissive of your anxiety attacks (and the things that trigger them) pretty much in keeping with who he is generally?

Edited September 4, 2013 by Taramere

[spiderowl]

I think the partner who is being triggered needs to distinguish between abuse and triggers. Abuse is something your partner does to you that they shouldn't be doing because it's harmful or disrespectful. Triggers are something that upset you, but which wouldn't normally upset anyone else. It is not fair to expect your partner to have to 'walk on eggshells' when around you. You have a right not to be abused and he has a right to be able to be himself.

 

I can imagine it's hard to distinguish between what is a 'normal' reaction and what isn't. If it's really not clear to you, maybe you should seek therapy so that you can at least clarify this.

 

I do understand that it's hard to deal with triggers. I am terrified of wasps. A wasp stung me and now I can't tolerate being within feet of one. However, I can't hold others responsible for not removing the wasp, if it doesn't bother them. It's up to me to cope, get therapy to help me overcome my phobia, or to remove myself from the frightening situation.

[Grumpybutfun]

 

I guess part of me is worried that I'm with someone who doesn't want to take part in my recovery.

 

Steakhatgirl:

First, I would like to say well done on getting help for your abuse, and I am glad you have decided to be a thriver instead of just a survivor. Abuse is very hard for some people to understand as they do not have a background in it and do not understand that when you are referring to abuse, you mean deep seated and rooted behavioral manifestations caused by certain actions of others. Triggers are usually caused by actions, words, names, neglect, fear of abandonment and tactile sensations or sounds. It is very normal to want to manage those triggers by asking others around you to help you to heal in your journey, especially your significant other. Your ego has nothing to do with wanting to heal from terrible and often life-debilitating abuse. You do not need to give details here as I know that in itself can be very triggering.

Your recovery is all yours, but it is imperative for you to make sure that you are in a safe and secure place when doing your healing work

I guess I would encourage you to make the resources available to your significant other so they can understand what you are going through. Sit down and talk to your SO and try to explain that this has nothing to do with them, but you have to heal your life in order to be whole.

I also encourage you to speak to a specialist in abuse issues just to get a professionals opinion on what to do if a SO is unwilling to take your recovery or healing seriously and does not contribute to helping you. This isn't a war between the sexes of whether he should do something just because you want him to, but a real psychological issue that could be the difference between you healing and staying stuck.

My feeling is that anyone who loves you will do anything they have to in order to make you feel safe and not trigger you. Be patient and understand that some people cannot be in a relationship that requires bending their own egos for someone else. If this is the case, you may have to take this healing journey alone.

Triggers can be managed and healing is possible even in the most severe trauma cases.

Take care of yourself and I hope this helps,

Grumps

Edited September 7, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[todreaminblue]

ok...get over it is not something you say to someone who has been abused its thoughtless and inconsiderate....

 

as far as triggers go sometimes you cant help triggering a reaction in a person who has been abused ....just liek you cant help triggering a "normal " person from having a reaction to something said or done.....

 

 

you can be pro active as the person who experiences triggers or attacks or flashbacks by having strategies to deal with anything that coudl possibly have a triggger...

 

 

for example when i really hurt myself like fall over ...i just lie there for a while realize i am ok and i get up by myself....i cant be touched...until i am ready to be touched....i specifically say when someone comes to put a hand on me i say please dont touch me.......this strategy stops me from flashing back..i am in pain and i need to deal with it and i stand up on my own......

 

 

 

if i am having an anxiety attack or feel pressure or bad i will go away .....chasing me would be a mistake, my strategy is to go somewhere by myself and just calm down i cant calm down if people are talking to me ...so people who love me let me leave..they dont chase me they dont follow me........i always come back.....i do some deep breathing control my tears i like to do it in private if someone comes after me i get worse......

 

 

if someone raises their hand suddenly in front of me most of the time i flinch....i dont like flinching gives me anxiety...so i ask people not to raise their hand to me unless they plan on hitting me with it and if they are going to try and hit me, i will hit back....

 

when i am in a crowd of peopel i get anxious so i hang at the back ...where i feel safer ...dont like people standing behind me unless i know them but have developed a simple way of feeling comfortable i stand behind instead or get someone i know to stand behind me............i dotn liek sitting in the middle ...i liek to have an exit available......so i head for the end seats when i stand or sit in the middle of groups i get really awkward and clumsy...because i am anxious......i normally start bumping into peopel because i am looking for exits which makes me more awkward and more anxious.......so again i stay to the outskirts of groups and seats....lol.....its actually pretty easy to do ...most people dont mind.....

 

 

so i know strategies undertaken in therapy....quiet time is beneficial to all of the above things i have listed...a little bit of aloneness to re centre........ a seat by myself to regroup my thoughts maybe and or physical distance.....

 

 

its quite easy to adapt if you know what triggers an attack.....strategies to deal with that situation when it occurs makes it possible to solve the problem.....and i guess an understanding patient partner, friends and family who are willing to trust that you know what you are doing.....i have had years of therapy and triggers still exist......cant just get over it......but i am pro active and am blessed to be surrounded by people who understand and know why they exist and dont blame me for having triggers....and know for sure its not something you just get over..........deb

Edited September 7, 2013 by todreaminblue

[turnera]

It sounds to me that, because of your past abuse, you are damaged and therefore seek out a damaged partner.

 

The responsibility, therefore, lies with YOU - to get help to learn to overcome your triggers and to learn to love yourself enough to not pick losers who don't care about you.