Why do men cheat?

[jenna]

I know this question has probably come up numerous times in this forum, so I apologise for any repitition, but its just happened to me and I would really appreciate any advice, thankyou.

 

Heres the story. I'm 22 years old and up until five months ago, I had never had a boyfriend or any sort of contact with men in a sexual or romantic way. I have very low self esteem, no self-confidence and I think that I am probably one of the ugliest women you will ever see. No man had ever paid me any attention, until this man came along.

 

He made me feel so beautiful and sexy and desirable. My first time was amazing - everything I wished it to be, and he made me feel alive everytime I was with him.

 

Now I found out that he was sleeping with not one, but two other women on a regular basis throughout our entire relationship. Its totally destroyed me. This man was the first man I've ever trusted. The first man for me in so many ways, and now I find out it was never anything for him, there was no 'relationship'.

 

The worst thing is that I havent told him I found out he was cheating. I've just been avoiding him in a subtle way. I know that I have no self-respect when I say this, but I don't know whether to break up with him or not. I know that I am ugly and I know that I could never get another man - no one has EVER been interested in me my whole life, before him. And I can't get past the fact that he makes me feel gorgeous and sexy when I'm with him - even if I know now its all just a lie. So what do I do - just forget the best five months of my life never happened?

 

Why would he do this to me? Why???? I just don't understand why. Is it because I was bad in bed? Is it because it makes him feel powerful to have three women on the go? Why? Any cheaters out there (especially men) just tell me why. Please. I need to know.

 

And the other women apparently knew about me all along but still slept with him. Why? What kind of woman would do that? Any 'other women' out there, why would you do that? Do you not even think of what the girlfriend would go through when she finally found out? Why would you want to hurt someone like that? Why would he?

 

So now, I'm just avoiding him, but this can't go on forever. I'm starting to feel very bitter towards all men in general. I hate them. I've even had very definite thoughts about switching, trying out a women. I've never had any feelings for women before in my life, and this kind of freaks me out.

 

Ultimately I'm just very very sad and confused right now, and any genuine advice would be gladly received. Thank you for your help.

[Nyx]

Jenna-

 

The REAL problem is how you feel about yourself. From what you have said, it sounds like this guy just took advantage of your insecurity and neagtive self-image. Regardless of how good he makes you feel sexually, he is NOT worth it!! It is not worth the emotional, mental and spiritual pain and anguish you are being put through to stay with him.

 

Please, please PLEASE---get some professional help to deal with your feelings about yourself so you can stop being a victim to men like this. It may not seem like it, but what he has done to you is a form of abuse and you ARE the victim!

 

I've been where you are right now--both in regards to your self-image and your relationship, so I understand what you are going through. What I learned from my experience, is that having respect for yourself and who you are (regardless of whether you fit the "ideal" of beauty forced on us by magazines or not---and trust me, I don't!) is FAR more important and more attractive than looks alone.

I know this question has probably come up numerous times in this forum, so I apologise for any repitition, but its just happened to me and I would really appreciate any advice, thankyou.

 

Heres the story. I'm 22 years old and up until five months ago, I had never had a boyfriend or any sort of contact with men in a sexual or romantic way. I have very low self esteem, no self-confidence and I think that I am probably one of the ugliest women you will ever see. No man had ever paid me any attention, until this man came along. He made me feel so beautiful and sexy and desirable. My first time was amazing - everything I wished it to be, and he made me feel alive everytime I was with him. Now I found out that he was sleeping with not one, but two other women on a regular basis throughout our entire relationship. Its totally destroyed me. This man was the first man I've ever trusted. The first man for me in so many ways, and now I find out it was never anything for him, there was no 'relationship'. The worst thing is that I havent told him I found out he was cheating. I've just been avoiding him in a subtle way. I know that I have no self-respect when I say this, but I don't know whether to break up with him or not. I know that I am ugly and I know that I could never get another man - no one has EVER been interested in me my whole life, before him. And I can't get past the fact that he makes me feel gorgeous and sexy when I'm with him - even if I know now its all just a lie. So what do I do - just forget the best five months of my life never happened? Why would he do this to me? Why???? I just don't understand why. Is it because I was bad in bed? Is it because it makes him feel powerful to have three women on the go? Why? Any cheaters out there (especially men) just tell me why. Please. I need to know. And the other women apparently knew about me all along but still slept with him. Why? What kind of woman would do that? Any 'other women' out there, why would you do that? Do you not even think of what the girlfriend would go through when she finally found out? Why would you want to hurt someone like that? Why would he? So now, I'm just avoiding him, but this can't go on forever. I'm starting to feel very bitter towards all men in general. I hate them. I've even had very definite thoughts about switching, trying out a women. I've never had any feelings for women before in my life, and this kind of freaks me out. Ultimately I'm just very very sad and confused right now, and any genuine advice would be gladly received. Thank you for your help.

[Paulie]

The title of your post, alone, is a cop-out. I've got some very good-looking male friends who've never cheated on girlfriends. Moreover, I've never cheated on a girlfriend, either, and have now been cheated on twice.

 

That's about all I can contribute to your question...perhaps others will have more to say.

[Tony T]

This whole situation is totally irrelevant. It was a non event...although you are very hurt and I'm sorry for that.

 

What this is all about is YOU and your feelings toward yourself. As long as you FEEL ugly, you will be. As long as you feel you will never have a relationship, you won't. As long as you see yourself as a loser, you will attract losers and it's NOT their fault, it's yours.

 

Did you ever see the movie, Wizard of Ozz? That's what the whole movie was about. In the end, the scarecrow, the lion and the tinman all got what they always had in them...because they just changed the way they thought of themselves.

 

Physical attraction has a lot more to do with how we feel about ourselves and much less to do with our physical appearance. Some of the ugliest women in the world have the greatest looking guys at their side because they exude confidence and self worth.

 

Don't you dare let this experience drive you further down. You need to pick yourself up and keep moving. The world is mean and cruel sometimes and it's up to each one of us to pick ourselves up and charge back into it.

 

This guy had no intentions of hurting you or not hurting you. He is just a man who is capable of having multiple relationships. The fact that he was attracted enough to you to have sex with you should show you that there are men out there who can be attracted to you...and have a loyal relationship with you.

 

So don't blame this guy. He is the scumbag he is. Now, you absolutely must confront him. Stop being a wussy. Right now, today, you have got to change...become assertive...express your feelings...feel great about yourself. Make some changes to your hair, your make up, your dress to maximize your assets. But most of all think a hell of a lot more of yourself inside.

 

As for these other women he's seeing, they feel like scum themselves so they have no problem seeing a scum. They've probably been there many times. Until they start feeing they deserve a whole lot better, guys like him are all they will get. Don't put yourself in that class.

 

Now, keep your cool and hear this guy out. Once you've heard him out, tell him exactly how you feel...no need to yell. But get it all out. If you think he is a lowlife scumbag, tell him so. Don't let any feelings of love for him interfere with telling him just what a piece of crap you think he is. This will be your last opportunity to get it all out with him. Make it count...rehearse it...and don't back down.

 

Always feel good enough about yourself to tell people off when they do things to hurt you. ALWAYS!!!

 

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Resolve to be a new, different, more vibrant woman. Once you do that, once you change the way you think of yourself, the guys will flock to your door.

[MegaB]

Since everybody elaborated in details on how to change your self image, I'll cut to the point.

 

All of you guys are a bunch of insecure freaks! For men who sleep around, it's mostly to prove something to themselves..like they want to fill their emotional void through sex, or to validate their existence through how many women they slept with. And for the women who will fall for that just don't have any self-esteem...as you already stated. The other girls are exactly like you and they are probably fearing losing the one guy who made them feel as special as he made you feel. And he is definitely feeding off all of this negative energy from you guys.

 

Anyway, go and rent "Muriel's Wedding" and come back. I truly suggest this film because it freaking changed my life and I think it will help yours as well. Good luck!

[jenna]

Well, thankyou all for your advice. I found it a little harsh to take - everyone saying I'm essentially one of those women I always hated, the ones that let men do exactly what they like just because they are so incredibly insecure, that I need to get therapy! But it is the truth and the truth hurts.

 

I'm feeling a little more 'decisive' I guess you could say, after reading your replies. I think you just reaffirmed what I already knew but needed to hear. I know that I have low self esteem (I stated this several times!). But thankyou MegaB for making me feel like it isnt entirely me at fault here. I was beginning to feel like the guy just hadnt done anything wrong in everyone elses eyes. It was entirely due to my low self-esteem.

 

Anyway, I will confront him and he'll probably deny it, but thats it, the end. I don't feel good now, and I probably won't ever be able to with him again, so theres not much point. As for my self-esteem, I take a different viewpoint from others, in that I am not being awful about myself, I am just being realistic.

 

So once again, thank you for your advice all of you. It has helped!