Financial Support from MM

[2sure]

I've had to try to put some of my personal experience and my opinions aside to help a friend work something out.

 

She is OW and came to me for some advice. She came to me because she is one of the few people who know that I was OW in my past. Honestly, I'm so far removed and my thoughts so different now, I'm having too much conflict to offer her anything she can actually USE.

 

I know that most, if not all of the regular posters here, both OW and BS feel that OW accepting financial support from MM is out of the question. My opinion? It's not . I mean, i think the whole Affair is a bad idea, a betrayal...but I don't think financial support, especially if it isn't hurting MMs family...makes the betrayal worse or any different at all. In my personal experience, MM paid my rent and bought me a car and I accepted because he was doing what he could to show he cared, whereas there were many other ways he was restricted from because he was married.

 

But, you know, I've often been surprised by how many people think differently than I do.

 

So, my friend. She and MM have been together for six years. She divorced two years ago. He is still married, but they have what she feels is a solid gameplan. I'm not going to debate that with her ATM. She has two children 12 and 14. He has two, in college. She has always been lower income, the divorce wasn't easy, but with child support she was making it. Her XH died almost a year ago. No more child support, splitting sports costs, extras, etc. So, she is hurting, really hurting. Have to move hurting.

 

MM is financially very well off as far as I can tell. I googled him, then did some more digging (it's a small city) and I am confident he is much better off than OW knows. Again, I appreciate than some will have issue with my finding this out.

 

I am positive, having been to her home , that MM is fully aware that she is struggling. I asked her if he was helping her and she said "No , and I can't ask"

 

I understand that she can't ask, what I can't understand is why she would have to?? It must be really hard for her to hope her car makes it to work each day while MM is on the phone wishing her well while he is in Aspen for a week with his wife.

 

WTF? Why is she part of some future gameplan but not today's?

 

Shouldn't he be helping her, since she clearly needs it through no fault of her own?

[Els]

Well, I think an affair is just so WRONG that anything related to it, including financial support, couldn't possibly make it any more or less wrong.

 

But leaving that aside, and also leaving aside the fact that she should really be leaving him regardless so she can start a life of her own... yes, it's the least he could do, really. Hopefully she realizes that he isn't even doing this tiny bit for her, ergo he doesn't really care about her, ergo she should leave.

[bentleychic]

If my MM financially supported me, I would feel like a prostitute at this point. It's different if he's divorced and we're living together. Even if he was divorced and we weren't living together, I wouldn't be okay with it.

 

I'm VERY independent to a fault, though and do not like depending on ANYONE.

Edited August 22, 2013 by bentleychic

[2sure]

I agree with both posts above, there is my conflict.

 

But again, honestly, I just don't see financial support as being any different than any other kind of support. A wife that stays home is not a prostitute.

[eleanorrigby]

If I were an OW to a wealthy man, I'd definitely want to "get paid". But I'd prefer it to come from only his funds, nothing co-mingled with his wife's money or money being taken away from his kids in any way.

 

Basically money that he can afford to spend and no one else in the family is going to hurt for later on.

[wanting more]

Understanding that her house may not compare to his, do you know if she ever talks in general about it being tougher now that her xH passed away? DOes he know how hard it is on her. 6 years is a long A.

 

I see no issue with him helping her. Especially if he's well off.

 

My xMM never gave me money for bills. I'd never asked him for money. He used to give me some really great, expensive gifts. We were shopping once and I saw something and commented I really like it (Definately a want, not a need) and he said well get it, I said I would but on my next payday, after everything needed was paid for. 2 days later I had a gift bag in my car and it was what i had seen when we'd been together. I told him I couldn't accept it because of the price and he told me if he couldn't of afforded it, he wouldn't have bought it.

 

I really believe that during the A if I needed financial help, he would've given me whatever I'd asked for.

[bentleychic]

Mine makes very good money, but there's just no way in heck that I would consider that okay. I'm no kept woman. I'm not with him for money.

 

I cannot even fathom this, I'll be honest. It seems like being in the relationship (yeah, I said it!) for the wrong reasons.

[tbf]

This thread confuses me. Unless the two are living together and sharing finances, regardless of relationship type, why would anyone support another adult? Add in that this is an affair triangle and the financial sides should factor even less than a standard relationship model.

[2sure]

I can go so far as to admit...I can't figure out how some of the MM I've read about on here can afford to have a GF! But I never post it, because I know it's poor taste! I think it though. I mean, even if OW is an independent wealthy woman, dating is expensive , take a look at the Dating Threads.

[Els]

Mine makes very good money, but there's just no way in heck that I would consider that okay. I'm no kept woman. I'm not with him for money.

 

I cannot even fathom this, I'll be honest. It seems like being in the relationship (yeah, I said it!) for the wrong reasons.

 

I'm sorry, I actually like your posts in general and all that, but I just can't wrap my head around someone being ethically against taking financial help from a lover, but NOT being ethically against being involved in an affair.

 

It's like... purposefully stepping aside so you don't crush a bug, but then going out and shooting a classroom full of kids (not that I'm comparing adultery to murder, simply that the difference between the two ethical conundrums above is that great in my mind). How does it compute?

[wanting more]

But are we talking about "supporting" the OW or some help every now and then? I think there's a difference.

[2sure]

This thread confuses me. Unless the two are living together and sharing finances, regardless of relationship type, why would anyone support another adult? Add in that this is an affair triangle and the financial sides should factor even less than a standard relationship model.

 

Absolutely. True. I could slap my friend silly on several levels, but it's of no use.

She goes from one fire to another, which is why I now stick to occasional phone calls. But she certainly does need help right now and I think since they have plans to make a family together, he should be offering to help her right now.

She is probably never going to be able to get by without some assistance from family and friends or the state. She works hard though.

[canuckprincess]

If my MM financially supported me, I would feel like a prostitute at this point. It's different if he's divorced and we're living together. Even if he was divorced and we weren't living together, I wouldn't be okay with it.

 

I'm VERY independent to a fault, though and do not like depending on ANYONE.

 

Like you I'm very independent and even when I was married I didn't let my husband support me.

[bentleychic]

I'm sorry, I actually like your posts in general and all that, but I just can't wrap my head around someone being ethically against taking financial help from a lover, but NOT being ethically against being involved in an affair.

 

It's like... purposefully stepping aside so you don't crush a bug, but then going out and shooting a classroom full of kids (not that I'm comparing adultery to murder, simply that the difference between the two ethical conundrums above is that great in my mind). How does it compute?

 

I'm actually morally and ethically against being involved in an affair, too. (Despite the fact that it is exactly what I'm doing!)

 

The money thing for me isn't so much an ethical choice as a personal choice. And I am seriously so independent, even when my dad tried to offer me some money earlier towards the kid's school supplies, I refused. He has done it every year that they've been going to school when I was married, but I'm bound and determined to do everything myself. LOL So I guess it's just a stupid stubborn independent thing on my part and not so much ethical. And I'd just feel icky. *shrug*

[HopingAgain]

If MM sees her struggling like that financially and suffering and he doesn't at least offer help, he just doesn't care. I know that sounds simplistic but think about it.Men are protectersv and providers by nature. It just doesn't fit that a man who is financially well off would watch a woman he loves come to ruinv and not feel an urge to assist at all.

[2sure]

I'm sorry, I actually like your posts in general and all that, but I just can't wrap my head around someone being ethically against taking financial help from a lover, but NOT being ethically against being involved in an affair.

 

/QUOTE]

 

This has always been my thinking . You all know my stance on infidelity, but I've never found the financial aspect ...to make it worse. Unless, it's actually taking from your family to give to another.

[2sure]

I think she should ask him. Hell, I'd tell him." I need some help, game plans changed. Their dad died."

[2sure]

But are we talking about "supporting" the OW or some help every now and then? I think there's a difference.

 

Definitely. She has some big expenses right now. I'm paying her kids sports costs and buying school stuff. But , her rent is less than my daughters car payment. Certainly less than MMs club dues. He could pay her rent, easily, until his divorce.

[2sure]

I wish she had not put her eggs in this basket, I wish her situation was different. But it isn't. To her credit...she expects nothing from anyone.

[wanting more]

Definitely. She has some big expenses right now. I'm paying her kids sports costs and buying school stuff. But , her rent is less than my daughters car payment. Certainly less than MMs club dues. He could pay her rent, easily, until his divorce.

 

Maybe she should ask him. If they are planning a future together I see no issue with it. I Definately don't think that makes her a kept woman. It makes her a woman going thru a tough time and someone who loves her helping her get thru it.

[2sure]

LisaLee....

 

Conflicted yes. I do see what you mean though...my original thinking is that if the guy has extra money for himself, like a sportscar, the country club, the golf club...then he can spend it on whatever he likes, and spending it on OW is just part of that.

 

But your thinking is right , clearly...it's all family money, and if he chooses to buy a car or a membership, those are still basically family assets.

 

I do see your point.

[Els]

I agree that if he knows she's struggling and doesn't WANT to help her, and is financially able to, then he doesn't care.

Money doesn't prove you care but lacking the desire to help someone who needs it, and failing to help someone you've been with for 6 years and "care about" proves you don't.

 

Yeah, this, pretty much. This is my opinion with regards to money and most relationships, at least.

 

I get that things are different in an affair, especially if it involves mixed finances with his wife. But really, I don't see how the few hundred dollars makes a huge difference. Chances are that even if his wife finds out, she's going to be so hurt about her husband sleeping with another woman for 6 years that the money isn't even going to matter to her.

[Spark1111]

time for her to start dating....

 

she needs a man to profess, provide and protect her especially when she is down and out.

 

And it is obviously NOT him.

 

I find that surprising, almost shocking.

 

I have neighbors who'd help me out, let alone a partner and lover.

 

Hard to fathom how selfish he is. She's nothing more than a steady side piece when he is not skiing in Aspen with his wife and family.

 

sad really. Six years is a long, long time.

 

Does he take her to dinner with coupons?

[2sure]

Here's something. When I was OW, and I know most here are different than I was, I felt he should be buying me gifts, taking me on vacation, etc. I felt he must.

 

But more recently in my life as BS, I was pissed my WS took OW out, I didn't care which hotel so much, but wanted to know how nice it was.

 

Urgh. I look back sometimes, and still want to slap myself , for each decade, various crimes.

[2sure]

time for her to start dating....

 

she needs a man to profess, provide and protect her especially when she is down and out.

 

And it is obviously NOT him.

 

I find that surprising, almost shocking.

 

I have neighbors who'd help me out, let alone a partner and lover.

 

Hard to fathom how selfish he is. She's nothing more than a steady side piece when he is not skiing in Aspen with his wife and family.

 

sad really. Six years is a long, long time.

 

Does he take her to dinner with coupons?

 

I said earlier in the thread that she doesn't expect anything from others and credited her for that. But, maybe that's been part of the problem all along.

I wonder if it's possible he doesn't know? One of those sort of oblivious people.

She isn't one to complain.

 

I can't help but feel like should have been looking for an available partner, an equal partner at least, to share her life with, ease the burden, help parent.

 

And , I am positive that my previous experience influenced her. I think it's possible she saw deep pockets or at least was attracted to them along with the rest of him. But , I was different, it's not the same.