Financial Support from MM

[thefooloftheyear]

Ill add a couple of comments....

 

Grown people shouldnt "expect" anything with regard to financial support. Thats for their parents to worry about. There is a thinking among some women in affairs(and even regular relationships) that once they spread their legs-their guy better spread his wallet. Thats crazy...If that was how it is supposed to be, then the guy just may as well go get a prostitute of the week..It will wind up cheaper in the long run and you wont have all the peripheral bullshyt to deal with. So forget that..Some will also prey on the guys guilt about the whole deal by shaming him into buying stuff..Nonsense..

 

I realize this isnt probably too common, but it does happen..

 

In my case, it wasnt too much different than a conventional relationship. From a purely financial standpoint, She didnt need me, she wanted me.. This is important..At this stage in my life, I dont want to save or rescue anyone-financially..Now, that doesnt mean I wouldnt help someone out that neeeded the help.I have "loaned" thousands to complete strangers because I felt they could use a break..Most of the time I never got it back..Id do it without asking for an AP..Its just that simple. Its the right thing to do..But I doubt highly that I would enter into a relationship with someone who couldnt at least stand on their own for basic living expenses..I did that for a very long time, frankly I am a bit tired...I also have a mother that I take care of financially, there are just so many teats, so to speak.

 

As far as I can tell, the guy in this scenario either is cheap(yes, even very wealthy people can be ridiculously cheap), or he just isnt aware of the gravity of the situation..I, however, find it hard to believe he wouldnt know...While knee deep in my A, I knew just about everything about her and could read her very well..Id like to think I would know there was a problem. He could also be afraid of setting a precedent whreby she now expects him to support her on a weekly or daily basis in some way..That might be a daunting proposition, especially if he is cracking a big nut at home..

 

TFY

Edited August 22, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Baby123]

Huh? You've broken up and you still expect it? Can you explain this please, if you don't mind.

 

I still expect him to give me money monthly, to help me live the lifestyle I like, and gifts and shopping for occasions or if I need something. He did it in the A, when we were out in the open and should do it now we're friends until I decide I no longer want it. I think its only fair, hes left me heartbroken.

[thefooloftheyear]

I still expect him to give me money monthly, to help me live the lifestyle I like, and gifts and shopping for occasions or if I need something. He did it in the A, when we were out in the open and should do it now we're friends until I decide I no longer want it. I think its only fair, hes left me heartbroken.

 

 

Im sorry, but after reading your last post and now this one, you reek of spoiled entitlement and greed...Im sorry..Not too many men are going to want any part of this..From this vantage point I can clearly see why he bailed out...

 

Why do you expect it?

 

TFY

[Baby123]

Im sorry, but after reading your last post and now this one, you reek of spoiled entitlement and greed...Im sorry..Not too many men are going to want any part of this..From this vantage point I can clearly see why he bailed out...

 

Why do you expect it?

 

TFY

 

He didn't bail because of that, he bailed because of the age gap between us. He wants to settle, im starting my career.

 

I expect it, as its not fair that he promised to provide for me and spoil me, so just because the relationship ended I shouldn't be left just high and dry?

 

Also we discussed this when we were together as he wanted me to know that if I left him, he'd still look after me, therefore if I was staying with him it was because I wanted him, not because I was worried about loosing my lifestyle.

[thefooloftheyear]

He didn't bail because of that, he bailed because of the age gap between us. He wants to settle, im starting my career.

 

I expect it, as its not fair that he promised to provide for me and spoil me, so just because the relationship ended I shouldn't be left just high and dry?

 

Also we discussed this when we were together as he wanted me to know that if I left him, he'd still look after me, therefore if I was staying with him it was because I wanted him, not because I was worried about loosing my lifestyle.

 

Thanks for giving me a good laugh to start my day..

 

You sound like a petulant 7 year old..Dont be so naive and weak. He owes you nothing-especially now..

 

Did it ever occur to you that in relationships of any kind, people say things haphazardly to get what they need/want out of the deal.?? .Its not a binding contract or anything else..

 

Focus on your career..Good Lord..

 

TFY

[Baby123]

Ha well hes staying true to his word on it, and I know he will continue. I'm the love of his life, why would he not want to make sure my future is a happy one? atleast for the next year or so...

 

I'm sorry, but atleast I've got something out of this mess, I won't apologise for that.

[thefooloftheyear]

Ha well hes staying true to his word on it, and I know he will continue. I'm the love of his life, why would he not want to make sure my future is a happy one? atleast for the next year or so...

 

I'm sorry, but atleast I've got something out of this mess, I won't apologise for that.

 

Let me guess, you threatened to tell his wife unless he kept to his "word"??

 

I have nothing else to say...Live long and prosper..

 

TFY

[Baby123]

Not at all, I want to carry on having a good friendship with my MM. He wants to continue helping me and mentoring me, i'll accept.

[MissBee]

I still expect him to give me money monthly, to help me live the lifestyle I like, and gifts and shopping for occasions or if I need something. He did it in the A, when we were out in the open and should do it now we're friends until I decide I no longer want it. I think its only fair, hes left me heartbroken.

 

Well this is bizarre....

 

However, if he agrees, he's the idiot agreeing, so hey.

[MissBee]

Ha well hes staying true to his word on it, and I know he will continue. I'm the love of his life, why would he not want to make sure my future is a happy one? atleast for the next year or so...

 

I'm sorry, but atleast I've got something out of this mess, I won't apologise for that.

 

How are you the love of his life if he left you heartbroken?

 

Anyway, this sounds like a sugar baby and sugar daddy scenario more than anything else.

 

Have other boyfriends agreed to such an arrangement as well?

[Baby123]

Just googled what that was, we were not, we were in love.

 

My other bfs and have been my age and studying, so no. This has been my first older guy.

 

He hasn't exactly left me, he just is very unsure on how to proceed, as we struggle with an age gap, me moving cities, my new job.

 

Most men provide for their bs's or if one partner is older their gfs, I don't see the harm.

[Summer Breeze]

I haven't depended on anyone for decades. DMM and I were pretty comfortable with money during the A. He'd pay for something and then I would. Neither of us ended up paying for the other. If I'd have had a hard time I have no doubt he would have offered and I would have too if he had been in trouble. It wouldn't have been any different to any other friend or R I was in.

[anne1707]

Most men provide for their bs's or if one partner is older their gfs, I don't see the harm.

 

Men provide for their wives mostly when she ia SAHM, i.e raising their children, i.e. she is working for the family. Other than that, most men would expect their wife to work and contribute financially to the household, not just be some kept woman.

 

As for older bfs providing for younger gfs, I don't think so. Go and look in the Dating forum and you will see that the men do not want a woman who expects the man to pay for everything (and quite right too).

[wanting more]

 

Anyway, this sounds like a sugar baby and sugar daddy scenario more than anything else.

 

ll?

 

This I what I was thinking

[Got it]

I've had to try to put some of my personal experience and my opinions aside to help a friend work something out.

 

She is OW and came to me for some advice. She came to me because she is one of the few people who know that I was OW in my past. Honestly, I'm so far removed and my thoughts so different now, I'm having too much conflict to offer her anything she can actually USE.

 

I know that most, if not all of the regular posters here, both OW and BS feel that OW accepting financial support from MM is out of the question. My opinion? It's not . I mean, i think the whole Affair is a bad idea, a betrayal...but I don't think financial support, especially if it isn't hurting MMs family...makes the betrayal worse or any different at all. In my personal experience, MM paid my rent and bought me a car and I accepted because he was doing what he could to show he cared, whereas there were many other ways he was restricted from because he was married.

 

But, you know, I've often been surprised by how many people think differently than I do.

 

So, my friend. She and MM have been together for six years. She divorced two years ago. He is still married, but they have what she feels is a solid gameplan. I'm not going to debate that with her ATM. She has two children 12 and 14. He has two, in college. She has always been lower income, the divorce wasn't easy, but with child support she was making it. Her XH died almost a year ago. No more child support, splitting sports costs, extras, etc. So, she is hurting, really hurting. Have to move hurting.

 

MM is financially very well off as far as I can tell. I googled him, then did some more digging (it's a small city) and I am confident he is much better off than OW knows. Again, I appreciate than some will have issue with my finding this out.

 

I am positive, having been to her home , that MM is fully aware that she is struggling. I asked her if he was helping her and she said "No , and I can't ask"

 

I understand that she can't ask, what I can't understand is why she would have to?? It must be really hard for her to hope her car makes it to work each day while MM is on the phone wishing her well while he is in Aspen for a week with his wife.

 

WTF? Why is she part of some future gameplan but not today's?

 

Shouldn't he be helping her, since she clearly needs it through no fault of her own?

 

Before reading other responses I wanted to give my two cents. My feelings on this are not tied strictly to an affair but relationships in general.

 

I do not feel that it is one parties responsibility to "share" financial assets due to having a dating relationship. As a woman, I have not been nor would I be in a situation where I needed to financially rely on another party. Due to seeing that be an issue in my parents marriage (my mom even saying at one point that she couldn't divorce because of the money and having kids) solidified for me my need to be financial independent.

 

If one party chooses to give money that is their right but I do not feel comfortable with it being expected or even relied upon.

 

In terms of my affair, I actually gave money to him while he was married than the other way around .They were struggling some with debt, I had the means, and so I was able to help with some financial issues, things for the kids, etc. When he divorced, he took all the debt and gave a pretty nice alimony and child support. Unfortunately what he agreed to made it almost impossible for him to support himself. So I have been able to continue to help him. He makes well into the six figures, and at the end of the day his take home for the month is 1,500.00. I support his reasons for doing so and it has made his kids lives easier so I helped where I could.

 

I am blessed to be in a financial position where I am exceedingly comfortable. Even with us being married, and if we have kids, I will not change my situation where that could be placed in a vulnerable position. I just learned too well when I was young it is not a good place to be.

[So happy together]

He didn't bail because of that, he bailed because of the age gap between us. He wants to settle, im starting my career.

 

I expect it, as its not fair that he promised to provide for me and spoil me, so just because the relationship ended I shouldn't be left just high and dry?

 

Also we discussed this when we were together as he wanted me to know that if I left him, he'd still look after me, therefore if I was staying with him it was because I wanted him, not because I was worried about loosing my lifestyle.

 

Um. Yes. You should be left high and dry. You're not his wife. You've no right to expect someone to continue to care for you if the R is over. Do you still give him sex, because he expects it even though the R is over?

[thefooloftheyear]

Um. Yes. You should be left high and dry. You're not his wife. You've no right to expect someone to continue to care for you if the R is over. Do you still give him sex, because he expects it even though the R is over?

 

 

Thats a good point!

 

TFY

[ComingInHot]

2sure,

After reading your opening statement, I thought I would Post First then read others comments as I can see this could be controversial*

 

So, this is definitely one of those things where I'd have to ask the question involving the third perspective often overlooked until D-day.

 

As the Wife of cheating H and Co-owner of all assets and monies, would there be an issue with allowing the shared monies to be given to OW who is in financial straights, that H is cheating with?

 

Is that fair?

 

I'd honestly feel angered by this. But I don't "know" anything further than what I have experienced and what you've posted.

 

Oh! Maybe WH can help OW get a really good job Not in his company but somewhere else?!

Then he wouldn't be giving away joint assets/monies to support the A??.

[hermione08]

The fact he does not offer to help her financially shows he does not care about her, it's as simple as that.

I don't see what's to talk about.

[eleanorrigby]

As the Wife of cheating H and Co-owner of all assets and monies, would there be an issue with allowing the shared monies to be given to OW who is in financial straights, that H is cheating with?

 

Is that fair?

 

I'd honestly feel angered by this. But I don't "know" anything further than what I have experienced and what you've posted.

 

yup.. as a BW I'd be furious about this and want to have every dime accounted for after d-day and returned.

 

As an OW, I'd be furious if he didn't offer to help me, especially if he had the means to do so.

I'd also not want to give a dime back.

 

Sucky situation all around.

[HopingAgain]

yup.. as a BW I'd be furious about this and want to have every dime accounted for after d-day and returned.

 

As an OW, I'd be furious if he didn't offer to help me, especially if he had the means to do so.

I'd also not want to give a dime back.

 

Sucky situation all around.

 

I hear that. Honestly if my H had ever given any money to OW I'd have divorced him no further discussion required. She actually asked him a few times and he said no.

[LilGirlandOW]

Not at all, I want to carry on having a good friendship with my MM. He wants to continue helping me and mentoring me, i'll accept.

 

My MM and I are financially independent of eachother. I wouldnt say no if he handed me some plastic and sent me shopping, lol (which has never happened, or expected, lol). Although he does spoil me

[sweet_pea]

Personally, I would be FURIOUS and I mean F-U-R-I-O-U-S if I found out my husband was spending our money on some other chick. I'd probably go after her for that money back legally or in whatever way I could... buuuut that's just me.

 

If the MM has his own separate bank account squared away and wants to spoil OW, well, that's different. However, that's usually not the case with marriages. I believe many/most marriages have their money together. And basically he's spending money for the affair without the wife's permission that could be used for a whole list of other things.

 

This scenario is really sad and sticky. I honestly feel conflicted in what I would think to do. On one hand, I am definitely against a MP using the couple's/family money on the affair but at the same time, your friend is in a tough spot and just taking the affair out of the equation, he should help her.

[ComingInHot]

2sure,

Is this MMin a position to help her find employment that will allow her to be better off finqncially?

 

I'm thinking away from the A & more along the lines of "give a fish eat for a day, Learn to fish Eat for a lifetime" kind of thing*

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You have a good point CIH. If she began to rely on his support then breaking it off would become that much more difficult should she become an unhappy OW. Then she'd be in a similar situation that BS may find themselves in, staying for the financial security of the children.