Financial Support from MM

[TaintedLuv]

If I needed money, my MM would lend me it- not give. I never really thought about his gifts being "stolen" from his W. Ive received pretty expensive gifts and he pays for everything usually. He wouldn't have it any other way. We both make pretty decent money so there's no focus on anything financial. They have separate bank accounts and a joint for household expenses which are pretty minimal. I would never ask for help if I needed it but he would be upset if I needed it and didnt ask him. He considers himself my "rock" and always wants to be the one to help me through anything I may be going through. That doesn't make any sense though since he's the one that's usually putting me through hell by having me watch from the sidelines.

[2sure]

If I needed money, my MM would lend me it- not give. I never really thought about his gifts being "stolen" from his W. Ive received pretty expensive gifts and he pays for everything usually. He wouldn't have it any other way. We both make pretty decent money so there's no focus on anything financial. They have separate bank accounts and a joint for household expenses which are pretty minimal. I would never ask for help if I needed it but he would be upset if I needed it and didnt ask him. He considers himself my "rock" and always wants to be the one to help me through anything I may be going through. That doesn't make any sense though since he's the one that's usually putting me through hell by having me watch from the sidelines.

 

You're right! Makes no sense to count on the person willing to put you through hell.

[TaintedLuv]

You're right! Makes no sense to count on the person willing to put you through hell.

 

Hes always like you know im always here and i always reply with unless u need to be there for her. :/ But he IS always there and wants to be. Such a mindf*!! Too bad it took him having a baby to realize how much I "mean" to him. *rolleyes*

[velvette]

I'm not surprised a BW would think that. It's only natural

By the way, this is one of the reasons I'm totally against marriage. I can't stand this "your money is my money" thing. My money is my money and I would not want a man to share what's mine because of a contract.

If I decide to share it it's because I want to. And I think the same for a man, unless he forces his wife to stay at home instead of working.

 

As far as who the money belongs to, that's determined by law, not how I feel as a BS. Same laws existed when I was the OW.

 

As far as feeling it is stealing from the wife, I felt the same way when I was the OW.

 

Feeling the way you feel, you certainly shouldn't get married because the law calls it all marital assets until you ask them to split it up.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't get the whole parallel relationship either.

 

How can it be, when it is lacking in so many areas. Its like a saying flour is bread. Bread is a heck of a lot more involved than just powdered wheat.

[thefooloftheyear]

I am sure BS's (and practically everyone else) has hidden money from their spouse so they can spend it frivolously..Everyone does it..The way people talk here its as if there is a weekly roundtable with a CPA to audit the family books..

 

Sure, its like a bit of sand in the wound of the whole ordeal...Most BS's want to believe that all their husband was doing is banging this person in a back alley somewhere and not giving her cabfare to get home-at best..

 

The whole thing sucks..There isnt much of a point in micro-analyzing the whole thing..Most OW arent sitting around expecting...cough....their MM to lavish them during, and ...cough ...even after the affair..

 

Its a safe bet that most of these didnt involve taking food off the table..OW are people with feelings..I am NOT justifying any of all this by my comments..Its all a negative..

 

Im a hero for giving a stranger some $, but I am a vllian for giving $ to the OW?...The money isnt the problem, the decision to get involved is...

 

TFY

Edited August 23, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[solostand]

My MM started giving me money before we even started our affair and I took it because I NEEDED it.

 

We met in alcoholics anonymous years ago and I crawled back to a.a. after a terrible slip that left me financially destitute. I don't know - call it chemistry or I was really really vulnerable, but there had always been chemistry from the moment we first me years ago. So yeah, he took me under his wing and say what you want, he used this as a way into my pants et cetera et cetera but the guy really really helped me a lot and basically came riding along on a white steed when everyone else in the world had abandoned me. He gave me so much emotional and moral support, and he just knew I was financially hurting - he is wealthy so he just started giving me money.

 

He is a lot older than me - 15 years older in fact - and an incredibly kind and gentle person, and that's just not the fog talking. Everyone in a.a. loves and he is always helping people out financially but I don't think they love what we're doing now.

 

Anyway, yada yada yada, you know the story. Two months later we were sleeping together, now its ten months later and we are "in love" ha ha.

 

Anyway, the money thing. Yes, he gives me money all the time. This week alone he gave me $225. He LIKES giving me money and you know what - I don't feel one bit guilty about it. We have had long talks about why I am NOT a prostitute, he makes major major deals about how our relationship is "not just about sex" which it is not, sadly. We have become so emotionally enmeshed that I believe he has basically moved his emotional loyalty from his wife to me to the point that he tells me EVERYTHING, things his wife does not know, and if we don't see each other every day (which we usually do) we talk on the phone at least twice a day.

 

Anyway, the longer it goes on the more I think he should be giving me MORE money for all the emotional support I give him. I listen to him and baby him and comfort him, which it appears he is lacking and I'm sure his wife is tired of listening to him, and he has GOT THE MONEY TO GIVE. I am growing resentful though, and the more resentful I get about the fact that he doesn't have the balls to leave due to "all the people it would hurt" blah blah blah, that I'll take every damned cent I can get out of him.

 

I am beautiful and men hit on me every single day and he knows it, and he can't understand why I even bother with an old man like him and I can't either. Guess I don't love myself enough but I love him, or so I tell myself. So if he's got the money to give - I'm taking it.

 

Call me a whore if you want to. But he has lots of money. It isn't taking money out of his family's mouth - he drives three sixty thousand dollar vehicles and his wife has her own sixty thousand dollar vehicle. So I'm chump change to him.

 

I don't know why people get all wrapped up about money. If he loves me he'll WANT to help me get back on my feet - which he does.

 

Not saying that I'm not ready to dump him. The problem is I'm now caught in this thing where not only am I emotionally attached - I am now financially attached. . .

[thefooloftheyear]

My MM started giving me money before we even started our affair and I took it because I NEEDED it.

 

We met in alcoholics anonymous years ago and I crawled back to a.a. after a terrible slip that left me financially destitute. I don't know - call it chemistry or I was really really vulnerable, but there had always been chemistry from the moment we first me years ago. So yeah, he took me under his wing and say what you want, he used this as a way into my pants et cetera et cetera but the guy really really helped me a lot and basically came riding along on a white steed when everyone else in the world had abandoned me. He gave me so much emotional and moral support, and he just knew I was financially hurting - he is wealthy so he just started giving me money.

 

He is a lot older than me - 15 years older in fact - and an incredibly kind and gentle person, and that's just not the fog talking. Everyone in a.a. loves and he is always helping people out financially but I don't think they love what we're doing now.

 

Anyway, yada yada yada, you know the story. Two months later we were sleeping together, now its ten months later and we are "in love" ha ha.

 

Anyway, the money thing. Yes, he gives me money all the time. This week alone he gave me $225. He LIKES giving me money and you know what - I don't feel one bit guilty about it. We have had long talks about why I am NOT a prostitute, he makes major major deals about how our relationship is "not just about sex" which it is not, sadly. We have become so emotionally enmeshed that I believe he has basically moved his emotional loyalty from his wife to me to the point that he tells me EVERYTHING, things his wife does not know, and if we don't see each other every day (which we usually do) we talk on the phone at least twice a day.

 

Anyway, the longer it goes on the more I think he should be giving me MORE money for all the emotional support I give him. I listen to him and baby him and comfort him, which it appears he is lacking and I'm sure his wife is tired of listening to him, and he has GOT THE MONEY TO GIVE. I am growing resentful though, and the more resentful I get about the fact that he doesn't have the balls to leave due to "all the people it would hurt" blah blah blah, that I'll take every damned cent I can get out of him.

 

I am beautiful and men hit on me every single day and he knows it, and he can't understand why I even bother with an old man like him and I can't either. Guess I don't love myself enough but I love him, or so I tell myself. So if he's got the money to give - I'm taking it.

 

Call me a whore if you want to. But he has lots of money. It isn't taking money out of his family's mouth - he drives three sixty thousand dollar vehicles and his wife has her own sixty thousand dollar vehicle. So I'm chump change to him.

 

I don't know why people get all wrapped up about money. If he loves me he'll WANT to help me get back on my feet - which he does.

 

Not saying that I'm not ready to dump him. The problem is I'm now caught in this thing where not only am I emotionally attached - I am now financially attached. . .

 

 

Ugggghhhhhh........Good grief...

 

I guess the joke about AA isnt such a joke.

 

May the force be with you...you will most certainly need it..

 

TFY

Edited August 24, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[solostand]

I know. Now that I read it it sounds terrible!

 

The point is, he saw that I was suffering financially (I did not tell him) and as a human being - before we even thought of having an affair - he did what most decent people would do - helped me out. I've done it myself to other people - it happens all the time.

 

I did not ask for it - he SAW the need. The original poster's mm has been with her for SIX years and can't SEE her need?

 

The first time he gave me money when we were in our affair, it was a sudden unexpected financial crisis and he saw how upset I was and within one half hour of finding out about it - he went to the bank machine and withdrew his daily limit and delivered it to my door. I did not ask for it. He just did it because he cares I guess. That's what people who care about people do, I believe. If I had the money - and he needed it - I would do the same.

 

My relationship sounds like such a cliche but I really believe my MM loves me and this is one of the only ways he can show it right now. It makes him feel good to do so. I believe he enjoys it because he feels he is somehow helping me. But he is generous to a fault because he has a soft heart.

 

That's not to say I don't realize what is going on between us is not healthy and most days I do not have any illusions that it will end well, for either one of us. I know I just need to gather the strength to end it, but I love him you know?

[sweet_pea]

My MM started giving me money before we even started our affair and I took it because I NEEDED it.

 

We met in alcoholics anonymous years ago and I crawled back to a.a. after a terrible slip that left me financially destitute. I don't know - call it chemistry or I was really really vulnerable, but there had always been chemistry from the moment we first me years ago. So yeah, he took me under his wing and say what you want, he used this as a way into my pants et cetera et cetera but the guy really really helped me a lot and basically came riding along on a white steed when everyone else in the world had abandoned me. He gave me so much emotional and moral support, and he just knew I was financially hurting - he is wealthy so he just started giving me money.

 

He is a lot older than me - 15 years older in fact - and an incredibly kind and gentle person, and that's just not the fog talking. Everyone in a.a. loves and he is always helping people out financially but I don't think they love what we're doing now.

 

Anyway, yada yada yada, you know the story. Two months later we were sleeping together, now its ten months later and we are "in love" ha ha.

 

Anyway, the money thing. Yes, he gives me money all the time. This week alone he gave me $225. He LIKES giving me money and you know what - I don't feel one bit guilty about it. We have had long talks about why I am NOT a prostitute, he makes major major deals about how our relationship is "not just about sex" which it is not, sadly. We have become so emotionally enmeshed that I believe he has basically moved his emotional loyalty from his wife to me to the point that he tells me EVERYTHING, things his wife does not know, and if we don't see each other every day (which we usually do) we talk on the phone at least twice a day.

 

Anyway, the longer it goes on the more I think he should be giving me MORE money for all the emotional support I give him. I listen to him and baby him and comfort him, which it appears he is lacking and I'm sure his wife is tired of listening to him, and he has GOT THE MONEY TO GIVE. I am growing resentful though, and the more resentful I get about the fact that he doesn't have the balls to leave due to "all the people it would hurt" blah blah blah, that I'll take every damned cent I can get out of him.

 

I am beautiful and men hit on me every single day and he knows it, and he can't understand why I even bother with an old man like him and I can't either. Guess I don't love myself enough but I love him, or so I tell myself. So if he's got the money to give - I'm taking it.

 

Call me a whore if you want to. But he has lots of money. It isn't taking money out of his family's mouth - he drives three sixty thousand dollar vehicles and his wife has her own sixty thousand dollar vehicle. So I'm chump change to him.

 

I don't know why people get all wrapped up about money. If he loves me he'll WANT to help me get back on my feet - which he does.

 

Not saying that I'm not ready to dump him. The problem is I'm now caught in this thing where not only am I emotionally attached - I am now financially attached. . .

 

Good grief, the bolded (along with everything else) really stuck out to me. You think he should be paying you for emotional support? What kind of relationship is that? I offer my loved ones as much support as they need, for free and don't expect anything in return but the same kind of support. Also, the "I'll take every damned cent out of him" just doesn't sound right or coming from a place of love...

Edited August 24, 2013 by sweet_pea

[solostand]

Because tonight I am feeling lonely because he is home with his wife and not with me. And I know tomorrow morning he'll call at 7 a.m. to tell me how he slept -if his shoulder was bothering him, if he had night sweats, if he was up at 4 a.m. to let the dog out. He will phone me from his mailbox, as he is getting the paper. He will tell me all about how his day is going to unfold work wise - everything he plans to do - then we will probably meet at 8:30 a.m. for two or so hours and then he will phone me two to five more times during the day to tell me every little thing that has happened that day and I will do the same. Some days he takes me to work with him. He introduces me as his "friend".

 

Feelings hurt. Being the Other Woman hurts. This is the way I feel tonight but tomorrow I will probably feel differently. That's why I would never ever ever recommend having an affair.

 

And you know what? This man would have helped me financially no strings attached because he has done so for others. Its the affair that has caused it all to become muddled in my head. When I resent him because he does not have the balls to leave his wife - I expect to get SOMETHING for giving up my life.

 

I know my logic sucks right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited August 24, 2013 by solostand

[TaintedLuv]

 

Feelings hurt. Being the Other Woman hurts. This is the way I feel tonight but tomorrow I will probably feel differently. That's why I would never ever ever recommend having an affair.

 

And you know what? This man would have helped me financially no strings attached because he has done so for others. Its the affair that has caused it all to become muddled in my head. When I resent him because he does not have the balls to leave his wife - I expect to get SOMETHING for giving up my life.

 

I know my logic sucks right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Ur initial post definitely come across the wrong way. Ur hurting and I can see that Ur in a vicious cycle of mood swings. It's to be expected. This isn't healthy or normal but somehow we find ourselves in these situations. At the end of the day, no matter much we think this person loves us, they're killing us slowly and it's toxic. Choices must be made if Ur strong enough to make a positive choice for urself and the rest of Ur life. No one will tell u it's easy though. It's a daily struggle until Ur completely escaped from it. Make a real commitment to urself instead of to this person who isn't committed to u.

 

Apologies for the thread jack!

[thefooloftheyear]

Because tonight I am feeling lonely because he is home with his wife and not with me. And I know tomorrow morning he'll call at 7 a.m. to tell me how he slept -if his shoulder was bothering him, if he had night sweats, if he was up at 4 a.m. to let the dog out. He will phone me from his mailbox, as he is getting the paper. He will tell me all about how his day is going to unfold work wise - everything he plans to do - then we will probably meet at 8:30 a.m. for two or so hours and then he will phone me two to five more times during the day to tell me every little thing that has happened that day and I will do the same. Some days he takes me to work with him. He introduces me as his "friend".

 

Feelings hurt. Being the Other Woman hurts. This is the way I feel tonight but tomorrow I will probably feel differently. That's why I would never ever ever recommend having an affair.

 

And you know what? This man would have helped me financially no strings attached because he has done so for others. Its the affair that has caused it all to become muddled in my head. When I resent him because he does not have the balls to leave his wife - I expect to get SOMETHING for giving up my life.

 

I know my logic sucks right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Whoa, sister....hold on there....

 

I started tp feel for you after reading your initial ridiculous post. Then I read something like whats bolded.. So, its HIM that doesnt have the balls? What about you? Does he have you locked in the closet? Giving up YOUR life? You equally dont have the balls for not ending it, moving on and seeking a more conventional relationship or beng alone(heaven forbid)..

 

The reality is that it has nothing to do with whether he has the balls. Hes far smarter than you are or you think he is..Hes paying you to not bother him when he's away and keep you at a distance..Period...Does that make you feel good?

 

So, because you dont have the stones, you are going to make him PAY..What a hideously immature and weak response. Id be willing to bet that you dont really love this man like you say you do, you just dont want the $$ flow to end...Thats the way I see it..

 

Show some dignity and self respect..Accept your part. Thank this man fro his generosity and move the eff on..Takes two to tango, as they say..

 

Sheesh...

 

TFY

Edited August 24, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[solostand]

I agree. That's why I am coming across as resentful because I'm really mad at myself for allowing this situation to occur.

 

I actually don't think he is paying me to be quiet. He's giving me money because he too is a human being with all of the same conflicted emotions that I have and you have too. He's giving me money because he wants to and because he can.

 

We have had the discussion about him leaving. At first when he was very love drunk he was going to leave, then the reality of life hit and he said he just could not inflict pain on his wife and children et cetera. So we know he's a cake eater.

 

He's wildly insistent that we MUST always be friends - once when I tried to end it he even tried to have EVERYTHING in our relationship stay exactly the same (phone calls, contact, et cetera) and just stop having sex, which at this point we have maybe once out of every five encounters.

 

He actually encourages me to live a real life - even find someone who I deserve. He says he will always be there for me even if I am in a relationship with someone else, even financially if I need it.

 

So yes, I see it's my problem and I am projecting my anger at myself unto him. I have been trying to find to courage to get to the point others have and go NC. I guess its like another drug that I'm addicted to.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He really seems to be a follower of BIll W. mentors aren't supposed to make the people they support dependent on them, nor are they supposed to have sexual or emotional relationships. Have you read about the real stories of Bill W? He was a sociopath. He's also stealing from his wife, I don't care how much her car costs! It's been said to me by a recovering addict that one addiction merely gets traded for another. Years later I wonder if there is truth to that. You are not helping your self by being in a codependant relationship. THAT'S what he's paying you for. Crazy isn't it, considering you're in a group to heal yourself!

 

I have no idea how that smilie got up there.

Edited August 24, 2013 by IfWishesWereHorses

[solostand]

I agree and it has damaged me very much emotionally.

 

This morning when he called I spoke to him for exactly one minute twenty six seconds before I ended the call. This forum is helping me see the situation for what it really is - what I knew it really was all along but was in denial about.

 

I am coming out of denial and pray for me. At this moment I want it over and do not want to continue to suffer.

 

I believe as two addictive personalities, we just replaced our addiction to alcohol with an addiction to each other. Its not "love" its a way to avoid reality.

 

There, I said it. God help me.

[bentleychic]

For once, I pretty much have no words.

[thefooloftheyear]

For once, I pretty much have no words.

 

Now you have some perspective on the kind of shyt you got so angry at me the other day for pointing out is all about...effin crazy crap I tell you!..

 

TFY

[bentleychic]

Now you have some perspective on the kind of shyt you got so angry at me the other day for pointing out is all about...effin crazy crap I tell you!..

 

TFY

 

LOL Then I apologize. This almost seems toooooo out there and brazen to be real.

 

And as if OW/OM don't have a bad enough name as it is. Oy vey!

[orangegirl]

I've had to try to put some of my personal experience and my opinions aside to help a friend work something out.

 

She is OW and came to me for some advice. She came to me because she is one of the few people who know that I was OW in my past. Honestly, I'm so far removed and my thoughts so different now, I'm having too much conflict to offer her anything she can actually USE.

 

I know that most, if not all of the regular posters here, both OW and BS feel that OW accepting financial support from MM is out of the question. My opinion? It's not . I mean, i think the whole Affair is a bad idea, a betrayal...but I don't think financial support, especially if it isn't hurting MMs family...makes the betrayal worse or any different at all. In my personal experience, MM paid my rent and bought me a car and I accepted because he was doing what he could to show he cared, whereas there were many other ways he was restricted from because he was married.

 

But, you know, I've often been surprised by how many people think differently than I do.

 

So, my friend. She and MM have been together for six years. She divorced two years ago. He is still married, but they have what she feels is a solid gameplan. I'm not going to debate that with her ATM. She has two children 12 and 14. He has two, in college. She has always been lower income, the divorce wasn't easy, but with child support she was making it. Her XH died almost a year ago. No more child support, splitting sports costs, extras, etc. So, she is hurting, really hurting. Have to move hurting.

 

MM is financially very well off as far as I can tell. I googled him, then did some more digging (it's a small city) and I am confident he is much better off than OW knows. Again, I appreciate than some will have issue with my finding this out.

 

I am positive, having been to her home , that MM is fully aware that she is struggling. I asked her if he was helping her and she said "No , and I can't ask"

 

I understand that she can't ask, what I can't understand is why she would have to?? It must be really hard for her to hope her car makes it to work each day while MM is on the phone wishing her well while he is in Aspen for a week with his wife.

 

WTF? Why is she part of some future gameplan but not today's?

 

Shouldn't he be helping her, since she clearly needs it through no fault of her own?

 

 

She should ask for support if the guy is loaded. Why not? Six years. Cmon. I would. There is nothing wrong with that

[bentleychic]

For those saying, yes ask MM for financial support, would you expect the same thing of a boyfriend?

 

I could not even imagine asking someone for financial support that I was not married to or living with (and I'm actually not sure how I'd feel about the latter, either).

[thefooloftheyear]

She should ask for support if the guy is loaded. Why not? Six years. Cmon. I would. There is nothing wrong with that

 

 

Its NOT a conventional relationship...There arent that same dynamics as there would be if the AP were married or in a committed relationship with shared living expenses, etc....

 

Would it be a nice gesture if he offered? Absolutely...Should the OW make "demands"(which is what you are implying)..My opinion is no..

 

TFY

[wanting more]

For those saying, yes ask MM for financial support, would you expect the same thing of a boyfriend?

 

I could not even imagine asking someone for financial support that I was not married to or living with (and I'm actually not sure how I'd feel about the latter, either).

 

Then I'm assuming you've never been in a position that you may lose your car. Lose your house. Or not even going that deep, you may have your lights cut off, or water cut off.

 

I couldn't imagine a friend of mine having financial issues and not asking me for help.

 

They're having an A. Is that right... No. But damn, If the OP friend is having that rough of a time right now, and her MM can afford it, why not ask.

 

I never had to ask xMM for financial help but had I been on the verge of having no lights, or no water or no food for my kids, i would've asked him, And I know he would've given it me.

[bentleychic]

Then I'm assuming you've never been in a position that you may lose your car. Lose your house. Or not even going that deep, you may have your lights cut off, or water cut off.

 

I couldn't imagine a friend of mine having financial issues and not asking me for help.

 

They're having an A. Is that right... No. But damn, If the OP friend is having that rough of a time right now, and her MM can afford it, why not ask.

 

I never had to ask xMM for financial help but had I been on the verge of having no lights, or no water or no food for my kids, i would've asked him, And I know he would've given it me.

 

You assume very incorrectly. (Not since being in a relationship with MM, though.) My checks used to go in exH and my mutual bank account. The money "disappeared" before the bills were paid. I've been in several of those positions plenty of times. And yes, I still feel that way.

[wanting more]

You assume very incorrectly. (Not since being in a relationship with MM, though.) My checks used to go in exH and my mutual bank account. The money "disappeared" before the bills were paid. I've been in several of those positions plenty of times. And yes, I still feel that way.

 

But you still found a way to pay without asking anyone?? Maybe you should share with OP so she can tell her friend how to pay her bills with no money.

 

I still believe that she should ask MM. whether it be a loan of not.

She works. She's got kids. Her xH passed away so she's not getting that money. I read it as though she needs help right now. Not long term support.