Financial Support from MM

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You know, sometimes I think these guys choose women who are financially strapped because it makes them feel important for someone to be in awe of what they have. Having it isn't enough, these guys need to flaunt it. You can't flaunt it at the country club, everyone lives that way. He doesn't want to share it, he just wants someone to show it off to. And I agree, in my estimation, that makes him a "wanna be"!

 

How much you wanna bet he expenses that dinner!

 

Five hundred dollars, huh? Wow, big spender. That's a dinner out on the town, not a car. I doubt seriously she is the only OW. She needs something real I her life, hopefully she can see what an ass he is through your eyes.

[2sure]

And what does your friend say of all this and his "I'll think about helping you" attitude?

 

Finally , she is pissed. And she knows I'm right. But, she's weak. She is a weak person , it's something that bothers me . She spends a LOT of time talking, wishing, justifying, kvetching ...but not a lot of action. She is a caring person, something about her I truly love. She works hard.

 

She is really pissed right now though, probably because with me there, she saw him through my eyes.

 

Cheap bastard. Look, I know it's wrong...but if I were her, I'd get the money.

[Speakingofwhich]

I agree and it has damaged me very much emotionally.

 

This morning when he called I spoke to him for exactly one minute twenty six seconds before I ended the call. This forum is helping me see the situation for what it really is - what I knew it really was all along but was in denial about.

 

I am coming out of denial and pray for me. At this moment I want it over and do not want to continue to suffer.

 

I believe as two addictive personalities, we just replaced our addiction to alcohol with an addiction to each other. Its not "love" its a way to avoid reality.

 

There, I said it. God help me.

 

Solostand, I did say a prayer for you! And God will help you! He's the one who helped me make a decision to be out of my A. I began to pray that He would give me the strength and the desire to do it and He did! He wants all people to live with dignity and integrity!

 

There is a saying, "God helps those who help themselves," that folks sometimes quote. But, it's not from the Bible. I believe it's a quote by Benjamin Franklin. The truth is that God helps those who cannot help themselves. And that pretty much includes all of us at one time or another in our lives.

[Spark1111]

Finally , she is pissed. And she knows I'm right. But, she's weak. She is a weak person , it's something that bothers me . She spends a LOT of time talking, wishing, justifying, kvetching ...but not a lot of action. She is a caring person, something about her I truly love. She works hard.

 

She is really pissed right now though, probably because with me there, she saw him through my eyes.

 

Cheap bastard. Look, I know it's wrong...but if I were her, I'd get the money.

 

nah, not worth it.

 

he'd torture her over it. he'd look to see if it is washed and well cared for...If she was appreciative enough of his small gesture of largesse. It would be exhausting to fawn over his generosity for another 6 years.

 

See what his wife lives with? jeez....

 

She needs to dump him.

 

As for claiming financial independence, I think that is posturing to retain power and not SEEM like one is be holding....or imposing. I get it.

 

But someone who CARES for you is fixing your flat and buying groceries for your kids...whether male or female.

 

A romantic partner who CARES for you? HE is fixing the flat and BUYING your groceries.

 

A romantic partner who is in love with you? Sky is the limit. You could ruin him financially if you were that type of woman. he would NEVER say no to you.

 

500 dollars? That's it?

 

She could make that and more hooking or dancing on a pole.

 

DUMP HIM NOW....and find a man who really cares for you, maybe loves you.

[cocorico]

. Meanwhile, he is flirting with me .

 

In her shoes, I'd have dumped him then and there. How disrespectful to her and you!

[ladydesigner]

Deleted post

Edited August 30, 2013 by ladydesigner

[2sure]

I still don't get it. In the OP post it sounded like this friend was really struggling. Having to move and like barely making it through the month. Now the latest is that she's looking to put several thousand dollars down on a new or newer car. I guess struggling means different things to different people. Where I come from people who say they are broke aren't financing new vehicles. When I was really poor I didn't drive anything. I had 2 small kids and we went everywhere on the bus. Then when I was slightly less poor I bought a 1987 Toyota for $800 bucks. That thing was so beat up it was as ugly as sin, but I drove it for 5 years and it was still going strong when I finally got rid of it.

 

Again the answer to this friends problems are not going to be found in a man. If she has fallen on hard times then she needs to make herself a budget she can live on and a plan for what she can do to eventually start bringing in more money. This means being reasonable and practical, which shouldn't include shopping for cars that are worth thousands of dollars and come with a monthly payment of several hundred. Even if Mr big shot MM had outright bought her a car, how does that address the issue of her financial problems? It doesn't. She would still have all the problems she has now but in a nicer car.

 

The way the MM acted is exactly the reason a woman needs to be responsible and in control of her own financial life. All he did was take this opportunity to humiliate her and make her feel like sh*t. And anyways just because he has money and drives a flashy car doesn't mean he has any obligation to make sure the OW also has a nice car. I spent 2 years saving up $13,000 so that I could finally get a nice car on low monthly payments. Not only did this make me appreciate my car on a much deeper level then most people it also gave me a huge boost to my self confidence.

 

She is moving to a smaller place and cheaper area. She needs a car for work, period, the one she has is shot. She didn't ask him to give her the money, she asked for a reasonable loan from someone whom she has had an intimate relationship with for Six years, Someone who claims to be planning a future with her and her kids. Sometimes , people need a hand. He is certainly not under any obligation , that's for sure. Besides, people that are all talk are usually liars. I hope she gives up seeing him.

[thefooloftheyear]

She is moving to a smaller place and cheaper area. She needs a car for work, period, the one she has is shot. She didn't ask him to give her the money, she asked for a reasonable loan from someone whom she has had an intimate relationship with for Six years, Someone who claims to be planning a future with her and her kids. Sometimes , people need a hand. He is certainly not under any obligation , that's for sure. Besides, people that are all talk are usually liars. I hope she gives up seeing him.

 

TBH, even if he was stringing her along, hed likely do it(or should?) to relieve some residual guilt over it, perhaps...I dont know..

 

Id do it...Because irregardless of the circumstances, the person is a human being and its just the right thing to do as a caring and compassionate individual..

 

TFY

[2sure]

In her shoes, I'd have dumped him then and there. How disrespectful to her and you!

 

Exactly. He is a wannabe player.

[2sure]

I agree. That's why I am coming across as resentful because I'm really mad at myself for allowing this situation to occur.

 

I actually don't think he is paying me to be quiet. He's giving me money because he too is a human being with all of the same conflicted emotions that I have and you have too. He's giving me money because he wants to and because he can.

 

We have had the discussion about him leaving. At first when he was very love drunk he was going to leave, then the reality of life hit and he said he just could not inflict pain on his wife and children et cetera. So we know he's a cake eater.

 

He's wildly insistent that we MUST always be friends - once when I tried to end it he even tried to have EVERYTHING in our relationship stay exactly the same (phone calls, contact, et cetera) and just stop having sex, which at this point we have maybe once out of every five encounters.

 

He actually encourages me to live a real life - even find someone who I deserve. He says he will always be there for me even if I am in a relationship with someone else, even financially if I need it.

 

So yes, I see it's my problem and I am projecting my anger at myself unto him. I have been trying to find to courage to get to the point others have and go NC. I guess its like another drug that I'm addicted to.

 

You have made so many good and valid points here, I hope you continue to post and explore this. Since beating an addiction so often means trading it for another...even religion, smoking, fitness...an addiction to an affair makes real sense.

 

As to taking money from him, you are resenting his emotional cost to you already...I don't see this not imploding. Neither do you!

[ForeverHopeful1]

I think she should pay her own bills. Just because some rich man is screwing her, doesn't mean he "owes" her a god damn thing. It is solely up to her to either get a better job, budget or plan for a better future with or without him. End of story. What is she bringing to the table?? Other than bills and children???? Why should he pay for them?

 

I not only disagree with your standpoint, but think it is disgusting. Golddigger disgusting.

[2sure]

I think she should pay her own bills. Just because some rich man is screwing her, doesn't mean he "owes" her a god damn thing. It is solely up to her to either get a better job, budget or plan for a better future with or without him. End of story. What is she bringing to the table?? Other than bills and children???? Why should he pay for them?

 

I not only disagree with your standpoint, but think it is disgusting. Golddigger disgusting.

 

She works, always has. She is educated but hasn't moved up the corporate ladder. Her x died two years ago , so she is no longer co-parenting or splitting the child care costs. She came up short and needed a two thousand dollar loan. I just don't find those circumstances unreasonable. While neither I or him are obligated to loan her the money, I don't think it's unusual to ask whatever support system you have, for help.

[ForeverHopeful1]

She works, always has. She is educated but hasn't moved up the corporate ladder. Her x died two years ago , so she is no longer co-parenting or splitting the child care costs. She came up short and needed a two thousand dollar loan. I just don't find those circumstances unreasonable. While neither I or him are obligated to loan her the money, I don't think it's unusual to ask whatever support system you have, for help.

 

I read the entire thread. I understand SHE is in turmoil. I guess I'm of the belief that he doesnt owe her anything simply because her xH died and he has money. HE has his own family and pays for them. Unless and until that changes, she is a side piece. No, he shouldn't have to pay for her just because her life took a turn for the worst. There is a difference between him offering and her asking him for money simply "because he is well off." That is what I call a gold digger and a user. I'm glad she is better than that. If he helps, she should thank god he is willing to help. He has a family. Its not her or her children. He already has obligations and unless and until he is out of that situation and living with her, dont see how her bills are anyone else's problem. Call me harsh but he just simply isnt obligated because his pockets are lined with cash. Why does that automatically mean it should go to her? As her friend, maybe he could offer, but he hasnt and he is not obligated to do so. Does that mean he doesn't care? Probably. Maybe he feels she can do it herself or should be doing it herself. Maybe he doesnt know how bad things really are.

 

The entire relationship sounds like a sham. He probably wont D Mrs Wife anyway. Instead of telling her to ask him for $, tell her to leave him and move on. If he hasnt left yet, he wont. He doesnt sound like he cares enough to help her during hard times. He doesnt have to and she is not entitled to it simply because she is in trouble. Im glad she feels the way I do. I would feel like a prostitute asking for monetary handouts simply because ex husband died and I cant afford everything I want or need.

 

You are a wonderful friend and I know your support is appreciated. It doesnt mean you have to just because you can either though. Its nice of you but not mandatory. Thats all Im sayin. You truly are a good friend abd probably a better person than he is.

[Speakingofwhich]

Your friend is giving this man things that are worth far more than $$$, namely her heart and her body.

 

The least he could do is help her figure out how to get the car she needs.

 

I don't see her as a gold digger but it seems to me from the info you've provided that he is a heart digger. IMHO she should ditch him pronto!

 

You are a good friend to her!

[2sure]

I read the entire thread. I understand SHE is in turmoil. I guess I'm of the belief that he doesnt owe her anything simply because her xH died and he has money. HE has his own family and pays for them. Unless and until that changes, she is a side piece. No, he shouldn't have to pay for her just because her life took a turn for the worst. There is a difference between him offering and her asking him for money simply "because he is well off." That is what I call a gold digger and a user. I'm glad she is better than that. If he helps, she should thank god he is willing to help. He has a family. Its not her or her children. He already has obligations and unless and until he is out of that situation and living with her, dont see how her bills are anyone else's problem. Call me harsh but he just simply isnt obligated because his pockets are lined with cash. Why does that automatically mean it should go to her? As her friend, maybe he could offer, but he hasnt and he is not obligated to do so. Does that mean he doesn't care? Probably. Maybe he feels she can do it herself or should be doing it herself. Maybe he doesnt know how bad things really are.

 

The entire relationship sounds like a sham. He probably wont D Mrs Wife anyway. Instead of telling her to ask him for $, tell her to leave him and move on. If he hasnt left yet, he wont. He doesnt sound like he cares enough to help her during hard times. He doesnt have to and she is not entitled to it simply because she is in trouble. Im glad she feels the way I do. I would feel like a prostitute asking for monetary handouts simply because ex husband died and I cant afford everything I want or need.

 

You are a wonderful friend and I know your support is appreciated. It doesnt mean you have to just because you can either though. Its nice of you but not mandatory. Thats all Im sayin. You truly are a good friend abd probably a better person than he is.

 

Oh, you and I are on the same page believe me!

She frustrates me. I will help her because I can and because I love her...but honestly, I feel bad but...her bad choices, I'm just done with them.

[2sure]

Your friend is giving this man things that are worth far more than $$$, namely her heart and her body.

 

The least he could do is help her figure out how to get the car she needs.

 

I don't see her as a gold digger but it seems to me from the info you've provided that he is a heart digger. IMHO she should ditch him pronto!

 

You are a good friend to her!

 

Ha Spark! She's Not a Golddigger! Trust me, I'd know!

[Speakingofwhich]

Your friend is giving this man things that are worth far more than $$$, namely her heart and her body.

 

The least he could do is help her figure out how to get the car she needs.

 

I don't see her as a gold digger but it seems to me from the info you've provided that he is a heart digger. IMHO she should ditch him pronto!

 

You are a good friend to her!

 

Ha Spark! She's not a gold digger! Trust me! I'd know!

 

 

Oops! I'm Speakingofwhich and I agree she's not a gold digger!