Financial Support from MM

[thefooloftheyear]

She makes good money, but I probably still make 3X as much..I did stuff for her, it was never about basic bills, she covered those easily...I just like to be generous being as I have been blessed to have financial stability/independence..I give away stuff to total strangers, so why not her?..If I told you what I paid half of you'd really call me a fool,,

 

I dont have any bad feelings about it..she did a lot for me, too even if it didnt have a price tag on it..I have no bitterness about it..I wish her all the best..I honestly do...

 

TFY

[2sure]

She makes good money, but I probably still make 3X as much..I did stuff for her, it was never about basic bills, she covered those easily...I just like to be generous being as I have been blessed to have financial stability/independence..I give away stuff to total strangers, so why not her?..If I told you what I paid half of you'd really call me a fool,,

 

I dont have any bad feelings about it..she did a lot for me, too even if it didnt have a price tag on it..I have no bitterness about it..I wish her all the best..I honestly do...

 

TFY

 

This is just what I mean.

[2sure]

I think she is going to ask him. I also think she may be afraid of his answer, which is why she hasn't.

 

If he says he can't, she will know that she isn't so important to him. But I can tell she is not ready to walk away or to give up hope.

I'm so sad for her.

[2sure]

Still, I'd sincerely like to here from some OW here....HOW does she ask? Has anyone asked? Has anyone wanted to ask, but hasn't?

 

Sensitive and very personal question, possibly also one not to be answered in mixed company.

[wanting more]

He may be, like you said, oblivious to the fact that she's struggling.

If it were me i think I'd just comment about how it's tough financially. How it's hard knowing that a friend is helping with the kids sports and school supplies. It's made such a hard impact on money since their father passed away.

 

One of 3 things will happen

 

He'll realize shes struggling and offer to help. Great!!!

 

He'll tell her he wishes he could help but he just can't right now. Not great!!!!

 

He'll completely miss the point of what she's saying. Not good, but then she's opened the door and may have to be more direct.

[MissBee]

I've had to try to put some of my personal experience and my opinions aside to help a friend work something out.

 

She is OW and came to me for some advice. She came to me because she is one of the few people who know that I was OW in my past. Honestly, I'm so far removed and my thoughts so different now, I'm having too much conflict to offer her anything she can actually USE.

 

I know that most, if not all of the regular posters here, both OW and BS feel that OW accepting financial support from MM is out of the question. My opinion? It's not . I mean, i think the whole Affair is a bad idea, a betrayal...but I don't think financial support, especially if it isn't hurting MMs family...makes the betrayal worse or any different at all. In my personal experience, MM paid my rent and bought me a car and I accepted because he was doing what he could to show he cared, whereas there were many other ways he was restricted from because he was married.

 

But, you know, I've often been surprised by how many people think differently than I do.

 

So, my friend. She and MM have been together for six years. She divorced two years ago. He is still married, but they have what she feels is a solid gameplan. I'm not going to debate that with her ATM. She has two children 12 and 14. He has two, in college. She has always been lower income, the divorce wasn't easy, but with child support she was making it. Her XH died almost a year ago. No more child support, splitting sports costs, extras, etc. So, she is hurting, really hurting. Have to move hurting.

 

MM is financially very well off as far as I can tell. I googled him, then did some more digging (it's a small city) and I am confident he is much better off than OW knows. Again, I appreciate than some will have issue with my finding this out.

 

I am positive, having been to her home , that MM is fully aware that she is struggling. I asked her if he was helping her and she said "No , and I can't ask"

 

I understand that she can't ask, what I can't understand is why she would have to?? It must be really hard for her to hope her car makes it to work each day while MM is on the phone wishing her well while he is in Aspen for a week with his wife.

 

WTF? Why is she part of some future gameplan but not today's?

 

Shouldn't he be helping her, since she clearly needs it through no fault of her own?

 

If he is well off and supposedly she is in his future, she wouldn't need to ask, he'd volunteer. I'd ask her why she think he's never volunteered.

 

In any case, I'm not one for asking for money or expecting a man to pay for my life; however, just on the premise of common decency, if I am supposedly all in love and see someone in my future and I was wealthy and they were struggling with their kids, they'd not have to ask me, I'd volunteer to help them out in any way I can.

 

It's not like she'd be expecting lavish vacations, diamonds, and for him to buy her a car and stuff like that from what is presented, but a case of her being in need. I don't understand how I could date someone in need and if I'm wealthy I just say "Well good luck with that!"

 

Money is an iffy thing for me in relationships, even if I were in need, knowing myself, it would be a struggle to accept it...but if I needed it, I'd eventually give in or at the least, the person offering would be a meaningful gesture. However, it doesn't compute that if you claim to care about someone and they're struggling, and you have the means to make their burden lighter you turn a blind eye.

Edited August 22, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Is she going to ask him to loan her money, or is she going to ask him to give her money?

 

If she is wanting him to just give her the money I can see that being a pretty hard thing to ask. "Hey I've been thinking, you should give me money" Yeah that would be kind of a hard thing to say. I have never had anyone just give me money. When in relationships where I wasn't cohabitating with the guy sometimes he would help me out of tough spot with a small loan or vice versa, I would loan him money, but that's about it.

 

That's the thing too.

 

Knowing how I am and knowing I have a lot of pride, I understand some people are that way too and would never ask. If for some reason I was in a relationship with a struggling single dad, and I realized he was struggling, and knew he would never ask, I'd offer to give him a loan (with the rule in my head that I don't lend more than I'm willing to lose). That way it would be less awkward for him and he can pay me back when he is in a better place or if he doesn't, I didn't expect it anyway. But I would do something...I wouldn't just be able to ignore it, esp if kids are involved in the situation.

 

But it's also an affair and I suppose the proper protocol becomes a lot more grey than in normal dating where who and how you give your money won't be under scrutiny by your spouse..

[2sure]

Yeah, I have no idea of the details of his finances. I just sort of flew off the handle. I know he has a great job, and an unusual sports car, etc. but maybe his wife rights the checks. I just feel like...having this affair for SIX years...

 

It's her own fault, but still...she is invested in this relationship. He should do something . Or leave. Which again, seems to be what it always comes down to with this .

[2sure]

I think they go to her house, her kids go with her now deceased x husbands parents every other weekend. So, he sees she is living extremely modestly, Driving a car that should be replaced. But, she's always been like that now that I say it. I don't know if he even takes her to dinner.

[Els]

*nods head* Yup, yup, yup. In my younger, wilder, completely irresponsible days:rolleyes:, I had to go crawling to my mom for money many times. It is hard! Asking anyone for financial support is a humbling, humiliating experience. Affair dynamics aside, this couple has been together for 6 years. Is he that oblivious to her financial situation that he does not realize how much she is struggling?

 

Frankly, I think anyone in a LTR (affair dynamics aside, as you said) who doesn't so much as offer and actually needs the other person to come and ask, has no business being in a committed R with that other person. Either they are rightly withholding help because the other person has demonstrated a pattern of being very irresponsible with money (racking up huge CC debts for superfluous stuff, etc), in which case they should be leaving anyway; or the other person's need is understandable and valid, and they just don't care.

 

Opinions may certainly differ on this, but this is how I've seen it and always seen it.

[MissBee]

*nods head* Yup, yup, yup. In my younger, wilder, completely irresponsible days:rolleyes:, I had to go crawling to my mom for money many times. It is hard! Asking anyone for financial support is a humbling, humiliating experience. Affair dynamics aside, this couple has been together for 6 years. Is he that oblivious to her financial situation that he does not realize how much she is struggling?

 

Maybe he is that oblivious, based on how he sees their relationship. 6 years or not, if it's been 6 years of him thinking of it as an on the side tryst or FWB type thing maybe he just hasn't been invested enough to pay attention to her life outside of what she provides for him and his ego....

[wanting more]

It could be he's that oblivious I think.

Do you know everyone of your friends financial status. I've got a good friend, noticed the other day she looked really stressed. When i asked she broke down crying saying how she's broke. She doesn't live an extravagant life. Drives an ok car. Has a good job. But Everything is started to pile up, school for her 2 kids, everyday needs, she has to have surgery and the hospital wants per deductible up front. I always assumed she was doing on financially. Never talked about it before. Never crossed my mind she was struggling.

 

Does that mean I didn't care about her because I wasn't noticing she was struggling. No. She never led on to having problems. Maybe that's how your friend is with MM. if she acts like all is ok all thd time, why would he think she needs help.

 

If its that tough right now, I think she should pass some comments to make it known she's having a rough time. See where it goes.

 

I'm sure it would be tough to come right out and say she needs money, if she hints around she should be able to tell if he's open to helping or insulted she's talking about it.

[Pastypop]

I wish he would have paid for the daycare expensive and for the gas I used to go see him. Wish he would have paid to have someone clean my house and yard while I was neglecting those things to see him. Wish he would have paid the credit cards that I charged all the nice clothes on to see him and gave me extra to invest for my kids college and my retirement. I was spending my time and resources on someone who obviously didn't care about me. The least he could do was reimburse me for my time and trouble.

[MissBee]

It could be he's that oblivious I think.

Do you know everyone of your friends financial status. I've got a good friend, noticed the other day she looked really stressed. When i asked she broke down crying saying how she's broke. She doesn't live an extravagant life. Drives an ok car. Has a good job. But Everything is started to pile up, school for her 2 kids, everyday needs, she has to have surgery and the hospital wants per deductible up front. I always assumed she was doing on financially. Never talked about it before. Never crossed my mind she was struggling.

 

Does that mean I didn't care about her because I wasn't noticing she was struggling. No. She never led on to having problems. Maybe that's how your friend is with MM. if she acts like all is ok all thd time, why would he think she needs help.

 

If its that tough right now, I think she should pass some comments to make it known she's having a rough time. See where it goes.

 

I'm sure it would be tough to come right out and say she needs money, if she hints around she should be able to tell if he's open to helping or insulted she's talking about it.

 

You're talking about a friend...not a "significant other" you're with for years. Don't you think there's a difference between the two types of relationships?

 

I don't know everything about all my friends' finances, although if we are close, it's noticeable...but a man I'm sleeping with and calling my boyfriend for years???

 

But again as I said, this is an affair, so the normal rules may not apply and maybe the secrecy and compartmentalizing limits how much he can see or pays attention. Which also really reminds me yet again of the real/not real...as in ordinary relationships people would think you're bizarre or out of touch and not into the relationship if you had no idea your partner was struggling and you're together 6 years, whereas in an affair, stuff like this can fly under the radar because of the dynamic where it is genuinely possibly to be in an affair 6 yrs and not know quite a lot about this person.

[wanting more]

And I do think it's a possibility. Maybe she never wanted him To know she's struggling Maybe she's very prideful and didn't want to say anything to him

 

 

It's said on here so many times how an OW really doesn't know what goes on in MM life, I'm sure not all MM know what goes on in OW life

 

It being an A, it takes on different roles than a regular relationship

[coffeebean201]

I've had to try to put some of my personal experience and my opinions aside to help a friend work something out.

 

She is OW and came to me for some advice. She came to me because she is one of the few people who know that I was OW in my past. Honestly, I'm so far removed and my thoughts so different now, I'm having too much conflict to offer her anything she can actually USE.

 

I know that most, if not all of the regular posters here, both OW and BS feel that OW accepting financial support from MM is out of the question. My opinion? It's not . I mean, i think the whole Affair is a bad idea, a betrayal...but I don't think financial support, especially if it isn't hurting MMs family...makes the betrayal worse or any different at all. In my personal experience, MM paid my rent and bought me a car and I accepted because he was doing what he could to show he cared, whereas there were many other ways he was restricted from because he was married.

 

But, you know, I've often been surprised by how many people think differently than I do.

 

So, my friend. She and MM have been together for six years. She divorced two years ago. He is still married, but they have what she feels is a solid gameplan. I'm not going to debate that with her ATM. She has two children 12 and 14. He has two, in college. She has always been lower income, the divorce wasn't easy, but with child support she was making it. Her XH died almost a year ago. No more child support, splitting sports costs, extras, etc. So, she is hurting, really hurting. Have to move hurting.

 

MM is financially very well off as far as I can tell. I googled him, then did some more digging (it's a small city) and I am confident he is much better off than OW knows. Again, I appreciate than some will have issue with my finding this out.

 

I am positive, having been to her home , that MM is fully aware that she is struggling. I asked her if he was helping her and she said "No , and I can't ask"

 

I understand that she can't ask, what I can't understand is why she would have to?? It must be really hard for her to hope her car makes it to work each day while MM is on the phone wishing her well while he is in Aspen for a week with his wife.

 

WTF? Why is she part of some future gameplan but not today's?

 

Shouldn't he be helping her, since she clearly needs it through no fault of her own?

 

I suspect he loves this OW.

Maybe he needs a gentle conversation asking him how he feels about this situation and asking him for some suggestions on how to fix it. So it isn't a request for money. It is asking him for solutions on how to improve the situation.

I'm sure he doesn't want this OW stressed out.

 

But I'm just guessing.

Sorry to hear about this.

[HopingAgain]

I'm sorry, but its hard to believe that anyone can believe that this MM is oblivious to his OWs plight or in love. He's been saavy enough to be a successful businessman and conceal an affair for 6 years. I hardly think he would be blatantly unaware of OWs struggles if they've been planning a future together. Surely there have been some unspoken clues hinting to her troubles. Its more likely this guy is a cakeeater who's content to bed her but leave her to her own devices in areas of life that should matter to a man truly concerned.

[JustJoe]

The idea of financially supporting an AP smacks too much of a prostitute/ Mistress/ Golddigger/Gigolo relationship for any OW/OM who has any self -esteem to be very comfortable with, IMO. 2sure, in your friends situation the danger is that she become dependent on his finances and IF the relationship goes south, then what?

It's like the old saying" you can do it for love or you can do it for money" Mixing the two is a really, really bad idea. At least, if there is no financial gain for the OW?OM , at least you have the illusion of equality.

[MissBee]

And I do think it's a possibility. Maybe she never wanted him To know she's struggling Maybe she's very prideful and didn't want to say anything to him

 

 

It's said on here so many times how an OW really doesn't know what goes on in MM life, I'm sure not all MM know what goes on in OW life

 

It being an A, it takes on different roles than a regular relationship

 

Yea that's what I said...

 

That the nature of their relationship is probably such that he is not as invested and doesn't care or know about her life in the same way he'd know about it or care if she were his regular gf/wife. So it's an almost FWB thing where you're there for the thrills and giggles and sex but besides that you're not in touch with the person's life much.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I agree with both posts above, there is my conflict.

 

But again, honestly, I just don't see financial support as being any different than any other kind of support. A wife that stays home is not a prostitute.

 

I haven't read anything before this post, 2sure, but I'm blown away that you feel like this. Move out of your parents home into your own and both sacrifice to build your collective empire and have part of it secretly donated to a concubine? I disagree! I would consider it worse than having sex in the marital bed. Which is about much more than just having sex.

 

I also know of a few SOBs that have lost much more in divorce cases than they otherwise would have.

 

I'm off to read the rest of the posts!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I wish he would have paid for the daycare expensive and for the gas I used to go see him. Wish he would have paid to have someone clean my house and yard while I was neglecting those things to see him. Wish he would have paid the credit cards that I charged all the nice clothes on to see him and gave me extra to invest for my kids college and my retirement. I was spending my time and resources on someone who obviously didn't care about me. The least he could do was reimburse me for my time and trouble.

 

Oh, honey, you don't want to be an OW, you want to be a wife!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LisaLee....

 

Conflicted yes. I do see what you mean though...my original thinking is that if the guy has extra money for himself, like a sportscar, the country club, the golf club...then he can spend it on whatever he likes, and spending it on OW is just part of that.

 

But your thinking is right , clearly...it's all family money, and if he chooses to buy a car or a membership, those are still basically family assets.

 

I do see your point.

 

I'm going through these posts backward! THESE thing are very often perks or atleast deductible! Golf clubs, country clubs are more than not expensed and if not atleast deductible.

[Baby123]

My MM gives me money, gifts, holidays, tbh I expect that off him. We've broken up and I still expect those things off him. If he loves me and can support me he should, he supported the BS and he didn't love her. If he expects me to believe I was the love of his life, he best show it, words are not enough. Also I have given him the time of his life, I should be spoilt too. So if I was ever in a position I needed anything, id ask, no hesitation.

[MissBee]

My MM gives me money, gifts, holidays, tbh I expect that off him. We've broken up and I still expect those things off him. If he loves me and can support me he should, he supported the BS and he didn't love her. If he expects me to believe I was the love of his life, he best show it, words are not enough. Also I have given him the time of his life, I should be spoilt too. So if I was ever in a position I needed anything, id ask, no hesitation.

 

Huh? You've broken up and you still expect it? Can you explain this please, if you don't mind.

[SidLyon]

This would be a real dilemma, not just for the OW in wondering whether or not to ask or hint, but also for the MM. Many married couples have either explicit or implicit agreements about finances, assets and use of funds.

 

Normally two people in a relationship are free to agree about this sort of thing, but when a MM already has a prior commitment and agreement (about money, assets etc) with a BW, then sometimes it could be difficult to come to a conflicting agreement with an OW. This could be so, even if the family (WH and BW) are wealthy and any support given to the OW will not cause the family and children to starve or go without. It can even be the case whee the MM loves the OW as I'm sure it's not the case that all MM who love their OW just happen to have independent financial arrangements with their wives.

 

I don't know the answer but I'm tending to the view that absence of financial assistance is what many OW "sign up for" when they commence an A with a MM. If the BW and MM have interwoven assets and funds then it might be very difficult for a MM to provide assistance to an OW in secret. On the other hand if they MM and OW have more of a "mistress"-type (for want of a better word) arrangement then financial assistance might be part of the deal. I'm, guessing a more savvy MM (that is savvy in terms of affairs etc) can probably do this better than someone who has a traditional shared marital assets situation with his wife.

 

I don't think it's guide on how much he loves or doesn't love his OW but more to do with whether he feels he can get away with it.