Financial Support from MM

[bentleychic]

Okay, I've read all 6 pages and I still feel the same. I wouldn't expect a boyfriend in a "normal" relationship to financially support me, either and vice versa (I make pretty good money myself). If I get married again, I know I'll split assets with whomever I marry, but not until then (unless we "shack up")

[wanting more]

I make pretty good money and can provide pretty good for myself and 3 kids. Even when my BSO was with us, I normally footed 90% of everything, necessities and leisure.

 

But there was a time years ago when I was completely dependent on BSO, was one of the reasons I put up with so much from him at the time. NOT a place I'd ever go back to again. Not a good feeling, not knowing how to get out and make it on your own. But I did.

 

I would never suggest to anyone to be financially dependent on anyone. But when I moved years ago, there were a couple tough times that I did have to ask for help to get myself situated. It wasnt fun to ask. But I did. And it helped me get where I am today.

 

I understand sometimes a person hits such a low spot financially that just a little help can get you over that hump. School supplies are not cheap. Sports are not cheap. I still think if her MM is able to help her out, NOT SUPPORT HER, then he should help. The A has been going on for 6 years. If she'd met him last month and starting asking for money, then there's an issue.

 

I know how it feels to work your ass off for next to nothing, have kids and all the bills and extras and not know where you'll get the money from to take care Of everything. Sometimes a little help goes a long way. Gift, loan, whatever.

[Treasa]

When my mom divorced my father (reasons include abuse) when I was two, he didn't pay child support. My mom was then laid off. She relief on welfare while she tried to get a job, and I remember WIC lines. My grandparents helped out as much as they could.

 

There is no chance in hell my mom would have taken money from a married guy she was sleeping with. I went without some things that other kids may have had, and that's just how life goes. I had a pretty good life despite it. My mom always had her integrity and morals, and never depended on anyone else.

 

When she did get a job, she paid back everyone who helped her. And she only took help from family.

 

I think your friend should either find a way to make it on her own, or her lover can ask his wife if he can help pay for your friend. It's not fair to say you have a "game plan" and then be doing shady financial **** to someone you're married to behind his/her back.

 

If the wife gives her blessing, sure, why not. In any case, I don't think your friend should actually accept any help. If the dude isn't married to her, he could cut and disappear in a moment, and by then she and her kids would be accustomed to having money they no longer have.

[waytogo]

I've had to try to put some of my personal experience and my opinions aside to help a friend work something out.

 

She is OW and came to me for some advice. She came to me because she is one of the few people who know that I was OW in my past. Honestly, I'm so far removed and my thoughts so different now, I'm having too much conflict to offer her anything she can actually USE.

 

I know that most, if not all of the regular posters here, both OW and BS feel that OW accepting financial support from MM is out of the question. My opinion? It's not . I mean, i think the whole Affair is a bad idea, a betrayal...but I don't think financial support, especially if it isn't hurting MMs family...makes the betrayal worse or any different at all. In my personal experience, MM paid my rent and bought me a car and I accepted because he was doing what he could to show he cared, whereas there were many other ways he was restricted from because he was married.

 

But, you know, I've often been surprised by how many people think differently than I do.

 

So, my friend. She and MM have been together for six years. She divorced two years ago. He is still married, but they have what she feels is a solid gameplan. I'm not going to debate that with her ATM. She has two children 12 and 14. He has two, in college. She has always been lower income, the divorce wasn't easy, but with child support she was making it. Her XH died almost a year ago. No more child support, splitting sports costs, extras, etc. So, she is hurting, really hurting. Have to move hurting.

 

MM is financially very well off as far as I can tell. I googled him, then did some more digging (it's a small city) and I am confident he is much better off than OW knows. Again, I appreciate than some will have issue with my finding this out.

 

I am positive, having been to her home , that MM is fully aware that she is struggling. I asked her if he was helping her and she said "No , and I can't ask"

 

I understand that she can't ask, what I can't understand is why she would have to?? It must be really hard for her to hope her car makes it to work each day while MM is on the phone wishing her well while he is in Aspen for a week with his wife.

 

WTF? Why is she part of some future gameplan but not today's?

 

Shouldn't he be helping her, since she clearly needs it through no fault of her own?

 

This reminded me of information I received from a man of a culture where polygamy is accepted and considered normal. It wasn't every household the man had 2 or more wives. Most often according to him, it would be a widowed neighbor or friend. Women are reliant there on the man's income. If she looses her H it was considered the village taking care of each other for a mm to take her as a wife and see that she and her children have all they need. Yes, full benefits

 

At least in this case first wife knows. Obviously I can't know if she likes, approves or quietly thinks it sucks.

 

I see reasons to say a mm should or shouldn't help or even support an ow. On one hand money no matter how abundant, is being taken in this case from the rightful co-guardian of the money who should have equal say about where household money goes, unless they've agreed to separate finances.

 

On the other hand, if mm has the time for two women, expects the attention and a woman's touch to his life from two woman, why isn't he rewarding them both equally?

[thefooloftheyear]

I think its a situation in these cases where there are degrees to which its wrong or right...

 

The event(A) is dead wrong...Period..But helping someone within that wrong doesnt amplify it or mitigate it..Its just a "nice" gesture from a caring human being. The affair is just wrong..Like I said before, I have handed complete strangers money out of my own pocket because I knew they were down. So, is it then wrong to give to someone who may have cared deeply for you? Shouldnt then a spouse be pissed off that I tore up a customers bill because I knew they needed a break? Done it many times..Some paid back-some didnt..I dont care.

 

Now, Understand what I am saying..I am a fairly well off individual..And I also accounted for 98% of all income, investments, etc...Does that discredit the BS? No..But what I gave to OW was peanuts..The BS spent thousands more on stuiff that wasnt for me or my kid that Ill never even know about nor care, I just paid the bill..Who cares? I am not certainly keeping score..

 

If the MM was barely making ends meet, and using the spouses 401K money for a lavish trip or some other nonsense,...well its obviously dead wrong. Also, if you are taking money away from the heat bill or junior s dental work, well, you know the deal...

 

Helping people knows no bounds...If you are that type you are going to do it..And you arent going to let an AP twist in the wind, while you have the means to help..Even if it meant I had to take extra lumps for it, let me have it..

 

I hope I have explained it...

 

TFY

Edited August 23, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[2sure]

I spent some time with my friend this morning. Honestly, other than her dating a MM this time around, she has been in this position many times. I took her resume, and will see if I can help her out. I've done it before. She is a very good person, but ...have you ever had someone who needs help but never makes good decisions? Ever? Something is not quite right with her, that doesn't make her bad, but just not right.

 

I realized today that I was making some of my own projections on her MM.

He may realize she that paying her rent will not help her long term, I know that too. He may not have promised her anything, I can't be sure she hasn't assumed the promise.

 

My anger at the situation stems from...ME. MY experience. She knew me when I was OW. At that point in my life, I was a different person, not a healthy one.

A long long string of events and poor choices eventually led me there.

I didn't want a husband, I was resentful of men in general. In hindsight, it's clear. I made the choice to be OW. With that choice I also decided that If MM was gong to see me, it was going to be to my complete advantage. Money, gifts, vacations, and cars were the main event for me. I absolutely had feelings, as far as I could for MM, but no respect. To me , I was a luxery to him.

 

And As much as that was long ago and I've since come to terms with the circumstances that led me there...and become a BS...

 

I still, and I'm being sincere here...I can't imagine being with a MM unless he was going to make my life easier , more comfortable, or otherwise work to my advantage in my life outside of the affair. I do think single OW holds all the card with MM, who I also think is a jackass and ...if he wants two women, buy two houses.

 

Anyway, my friend saw me back then living pretty good. I worked, I supported myself, I had a condo. I was fine. I was just not happy with men athe time, and had no issue at all accepting the extras from them. To me, it was as close to a safe relationship as I could get. Affection with some distance.

 

I'm angry at her for not expecting more in general, more for herself from herself. And if I put the wrongness of the affair aside, I'm still pissed. If it isn't working to her advantage, what is it worth?

[waytogo]

I think this is true is most cases. But not all.

 

Actually Wanting:confused, though I have no stats I question if true in most cases. I've seen numerous cases where OW was concerned about being paid back for helping poor MM who could only not cut it for his existing responsibilities, but sure couldn't take on yet another woman in his life to see to.

 

In all cases I've seen, even if a child resulted from EMA, loser nonproductive MM waited for the excess responsibility to go away. He wasn't equipped to deal with the first responsibilities he took on.

[2sure]

I told her to ask him, I think she is going to, because she needs to.

And I'm going to do something for her, but I have to admit...she is one of those people that just sucks me dry emotionally. I was at a loss. I know she decided a married guy was not a bad idea, in part because I did it.

 

I just couldn't find the words to say what a soul robbing thing it was, I tried.

I ended up telling her "Look, if this is what you want to do, get a boob job and find a guy who has his own plane."

 

All the years reading her, all the experience I've had, the therapy. That's what I basically told her. FML.

 

And now, the other side of me is thinking about his wife.

Because its been six freaking years. And I saw her FB, and they look happy.

But m not going there of course. The info was confided to me, so I would never.

 

I don't think she really is counting on a future with him, or that she wants money from him. I think she is lonely.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Your friend doesn't make good decisions because she has always had others to bail her out.

 

Being an adult has nothing to do with age. It has to do with being responsible for yourself and how you live your life.

 

She relies on being needy/victim to have others do for her.

 

You are on a fools errand, trying to solve her problems.

[LilGirlandOW]

If I were a BS I'd be most upset with how WS spent the money on AP. My MM buys me very sweet small "love tokens" and little goodluck charms and just a lot of stuff that he put more thought than money into. Then he'll further refder to their meaning and symbolism from time to time in conversations and texts.

 

But I put very little weight on money in my life over other things. I spend freely and love to spoil others myself... so what the WS spent the money on would be my issue.

[2sure]

I told you that as BS I was Was naturally very interested in what hotels they used and if they were nice hotels, or places I liked. I got a little hung up on it, of all things.

 

But at the same time, when I found he took one of them to a chain restaurant , and she wrote a thank you....I was yelling at him for being a cheap bastard and being the big shot to some woman who he could impress easily.

 

Talk about conflicted.

[AlwaysGrowing]

But I put very little weight on money in my life over other things. I spend freely and love to spoil others myself.

 

So how does that work? You don't value money, but you spend like there is no tomorrow?

 

You value "things" over the only things that last in our lives...like you know...our integrity, character, our good name. Things that cost nothing...but are priceless.

 

Sounds like a contradiction to me.

 

I guess when you value baubles over irreplaceable commodities it shows who you are.

[velvette]

2sure.......its almost like you are putting yourself in another triangle with friend and her MM.......and it doesn't sound healthy for you.

 

Whether she copied you or not, youre not responsible for the sitch she finds herself in.

Help her as you can financially and maybe just stay out of the rest of it.

 

On a practical note, it may not be relevant, but does she know that if deceased ex H paid into social security she can collect benefits for his minor children?

[2sure]

But I put very little weight on money in my life over other things. I spend freely and love to spoil others myself.

 

So how does that work? You don't value money, but you spend like there is no tomorrow?

 

You value "things" over the only things that last in our lives...like you know...our integrity, character, our good name. Things that cost nothing...but are priceless.

 

Sounds like a contradiction to me.

 

I guess when you value baubles over irreplaceable commodities it shows who you are.

 

Took me a long time to figure that out, and when I did, good things came my way of their own accord.

[AlwaysGrowing]

2sure, they come because your values changed. Once that happens, everything you value....is attainable, it lies within.

 

It is refreshing to hear from someone who "gets" what this life is about. And what happiness truly means.

[2sure]

2sure.......its almost like you are putting yourself in another triangle with friend and her MM.......and it doesn't sound healthy for you.

 

Whether she copied you or not, youre not responsible for the sitch she finds herself in.

Help her as you can financially and maybe just stay out of the rest of it.

 

On a practical note, it may not be relevant, but does she know that if deceased ex H paid into social security she can collect benefits for his minor children?

 

Yes she is getting SSI, not much Im thinking. And yes, this is someone I've created distance with in the past simply because it wasn't a friendship going anywhere, or growing, kind of toxic for me. I do feel for her, and help here and there but...it's like a said, never stops making bad decisions.

[LilGirlandOW]

But I put very little weight on money in my life over other things. I spend freely and love to spoil others myself.

 

So how does that work? You don't value money, but you spend like there is no tomorrow?

 

You value "things" over the only things that last in our lives...like you know...our integrity, character, our good name. Things that cost nothing...but are priceless.

 

Sounds like a contradiction to me.

 

I guess when you value baubles over irreplaceable commodities it shows who you are.

 

The exact opposite.

 

I just dont stress out over every penny... my xH could spend $ freely... we always had bills paid and everything we needed... I just dont value money enough to fuss over a dollar amount is all i was saying.

 

If I were a BS, and MM gave the OW a mineral rock he found on a hike they went on, that was ribboned with OW favorite color, polished it up so it was beautiful like she and he swore it sparkled like her gorgeous eyes. THAT would make me more upset than if her bought her a $200 new dress from the mall. Thats all I'm saying.

[2sure]

The exact opposite.

 

I just dont stress out over every penny... my xH could spend $ freely... we always had bills paid and everything we needed... I just dont value money enough to fuss over a dollar amount is all i was saying.

 

If I were a BS, and MM gave the OW a mineral rock he found on a hike they went on, that was ribboned with OW favorite color, polished it up so it was beautiful like she and he swore it sparkled like her gorgeous eyes. THAT would make me more upset than if her bought her a $200 new dress from the mall. Thats all I'm saying.

 

Again , it's relative. A 200 dress might cost one family a weeks groceries, on the other hand to some families a dress from a mall would be laughed at.

[Spark1111]

Well here is where I bark.....so many OW and GFs act as if they never want to put financial stress on the MM or BF...as if they actually relish the poor me role...and I have a problem with that.

 

It's as if they don't deserve it....and by keeping their mouth shut about their TRUE SITUATION gains them brownie points, some false sense of independence and the perpetuation of the poor me, I'm a victim, mentality.

 

None of this makes sense to me.

 

To me, if your life is spiraling into the financial toilet, YOU TELL PEOPLE.

 

If you want to be proud, unasking, and still grudgingly accept their financial assistance.....that's passive aggressive.

 

And if you never disclose, or ask, your lover, partner for help, that is just really, really insecure to me.

 

WHAT? you are afraid if you aske for something, something for you and your kids to survive, he may not like you anymore? PULLEAZE!

 

How LITTLE. Do you think you are worth?????????

[AlwaysGrowing]

If I were a BS, and MM gave the OW a mineral rock he found on a hike they went on, that was ribboned with OW favorite color, polished it up so it was beautiful like she and he swore it sparkled like her gorgeous eyes. THAT would make me more upset than if her bought her a $200 new dress from the mall. Thats all I'm saying.

 

Honesty time.

 

That so called thoughtful, caring mm of yours....left you and ran for the hills to save his own azz and left you with a violent man.

 

Want to know why?

 

Baubles and cheap talk....that is the worth he has set on you.

 

You either accept his valuation or you set your own

[2sure]

Well here is where I bark.....so many OW and GFs act as if they never want to put financial stress on the MM or BF...as if they actually relish the poor me role...and I have a problem with that.

 

It's as if they don't deserve it....and by keeping their mouth shut about their TRUE SITUATION gains them brownie points, some false sense of independence and the perpetuation of the poor me, I'm a victim, mentality.

 

None of this makes sense to me.

 

To me, if your life is spiraling into the financial toilet, YOU TELL PEOPLE.

 

If you want to be proud, unasking, and still grudgingly accept their financial assistance.....that's passive aggressive.

 

And if you never disclose, or ask, your lover, partner for help, that is just really, really insecure to me.

 

WHAT? you are afraid if you aske for something, something for you and your kids to survive, he may not like you anymore? PULLEAZE!

 

How LITTLE. Do you think you are worth?????????

 

This never occurred to me! And really, it's completely right. YOU TELL PEOPLE.

This is important.

[Quiet Storm]

Many OW say- It's not OK for MM to spend money on me if it means taking food off MM's table. They don't want help, gifts, trips if it means MM's kids will have less.

 

And yet they don't mind when MM takes time away from his kids and family and spends that time with her. They are OK when MM's activities or events with his kids are interrupted with constant texting. They are often the first to say, the kids will be OK without Dad living at home. They will adjust.

 

It seems many OW are cool with robbing these kids of time with their dad, but OH NO! ....taking family money crosses the line.

 

I think its really sad that many OW are fully participating in the destruction of these kids family units, and still find a way to make themselves feel caring and generous.

 

From a child's perspective, time and attention are more valuable than money.

[JustJoe]

I spent some time with my friend this morning. Honestly, other than her dating a MM this time around, she has been in this position many times. I took her resume, and will see if I can help her out. I've done it before. She is a very good person, but ...have you ever had someone who needs help but never makes good decisions? Ever? Something is not quite right with her, that doesn't make her bad, but just not right.

 

I realized today that I was making some of my own projections on her MM.

He may realize she that paying her rent will not help her long term, I know that too. He may not have promised her anything, I can't be sure she hasn't assumed the promise.

 

My anger at the situation stems from...ME. MY experience. She knew me when I was OW. At that point in my life, I was a different person, not a healthy one.

A long long string of events and poor choices eventually led me there.

I didn't want a husband, I was resentful of men in general. In hindsight, it's clear. I made the choice to be OW. With that choice I also decided that If MM was gong to see me, it was going to be to my complete advantage. Money, gifts, vacations, and cars were the main event for me. I absolutely had feelings, as far as I could for MM, but no respect. To me , I was a luxery to him.

 

And As much as that was long ago and I've since come to terms with the circumstances that led me there...and become a BS...

 

I still, and I'm being sincere here...I can't imagine being with a MM unless he was going to make my life easier , more comfortable, or otherwise work to my advantage in my life outside of the affair. I do think single OW holds all the card with MM, who I also think is a jackass and ...if he wants two women, buy two houses.

 

Anyway, my friend saw me back then living pretty good. I worked, I supported myself, I had a condo. I was fine. I was just not happy with men athe time, and had no issue at all accepting the extras from them. To me, it was as close to a safe relationship as I could get. Affection with some distance.

 

I'm angry at her for not expecting more in general, more for herself from herself. And if I put the wrongness of the affair aside, I'm still pissed. If it isn't working to her advantage, what is it worth?

Yes the single OW holds all the cards, UNTIL the MM changes trump and decides on another, newer, younger, and prettier game. Then she holds none. Pretty girls are a fairly plentiful source of amusement for any rich man. If MM decides on a new game, what is the OW going to do? Out him to the little wife? I'm betting she has at least an idea of the situation, and when push comes to shove, SHE is really the one holding a pat hand.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well here is where I bark.....so many OW and GFs act as if they never want to put financial stress on the MM or BF...as if they actually relish the poor me role...and I have a problem with that.

 

It's as if they don't deserve it....and by keeping their mouth shut about their TRUE SITUATION gains them brownie points, some false sense of independence and the perpetuation of the poor me, I'm a victim, mentality.

 

None of this makes sense to me.

 

To me, if your life is spiraling into the financial toilet, YOU TELL PEOPLE.

 

If you want to be proud, unasking, and still grudgingly accept their financial assistance.....that's passive aggressive.

 

And if you never disclose, or ask, your lover, partner for help, that is just really, really insecure to me.

 

WHAT? you are afraid if you aske for something, something for you and your kids to survive, he may not like you anymore? PULLEAZE!

 

How LITTLE. Do you think you are worth?????????

 

You are correct....But sometimes people just cant muster the courage to say they are struggling...Its a normal part of being prideful and I cant see how that can be construed as weak or insecure..

 

When I was starting out and some business dealings backfired, I could have saved myself some time and aggravation by reaching out. I didnt, and it nearly drove me to the nearest suspension bridge..I hate the whole idea of being needy...Its against everything in me..

 

TFY

[JustJoe]

Well here is where I bark.....so many OW and GFs act as if they never want to put financial stress on the MM or BF...as if they actually relish the poor me role...and I have a problem with that.

 

It's as if they don't deserve it....and by keeping their mouth shut about their TRUE SITUATION gains them brownie points, some false sense of independence and the perpetuation of the poor me, I'm a victim, mentality.

 

None of this makes sense to me.

 

To me, if your life is spiraling into the financial toilet, YOU TELL PEOPLE.

 

If you want to be proud, unasking, and still grudgingly accept their financial assistance.....that's passive aggressive.

 

And if you never disclose, or ask, your lover, partner for help, that is just really, really insecure to me.

 

WHAT? you are afraid if you aske for something, something for you and your kids to survive, he may not like you anymore? PULLEAZE!

 

How LITTLE. Do you think you are worth?????????

Well, ask him for money, and you will find out EXACTLY how much you are worth, won't you. but do you really want to go there? The answer may not be the one you want.