Philippa Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 I've never posted here before. I've never been here before. I googled a search trying to find advice about being a "semi stepmom". I'm a thirtysomething and living with a wonderful man who has a 3 yr. old girl from a previous marriage. I never wanted to have kids of my own. I've never been in a situation to deal with any. People say I'm doing a great job. But I worry all the time. I feel I'm in competition with her. She does certain things asking for attention and, she has a right to. She's only 3, I'm 31. I should learn to deal with it while educating her. I say these things. I try these things...and still I get ulcers and stress thinking about HAVING to deal with it all. I fear I'll never love her the way her mom does. Everyone says this is natural, but if I did love her that way, wouldn't it make the rest of what I'm doing a little easier? I worry about my time commitment to a child I didn't give birth to. I even have been to a shrink to seek advice...which basically just meant more sessions talking about my own childhood, which hasn't solved a darn thing yet when I get home. The anxiety is still there. I've been with this man for over a year, and he is phenomenal. He backs me up on everything. We talk extensively about how best I can deal with it all. I even enjoy his ex-wife and have great respect for her. By all accounts, I have it easy compared to horror stories I've heard. So why is there so much anxiety I feel when it comes time for the little girl to spend the weekend with us...why do i worry if he'll ever love a kid we would have--(not that i want one)--in the same manner? I know it sounds ridiculous, but for some reason the principle matters to me. His little girl is adorable...she's brilliant, but also very spoiled due to the divorce (which happened when she was an infant). She's an only child but soon to have a half brother or sister from her mom. She gets good life lessons from her family. I know she wont' feel for me the way she feels for her mom. The thing is--why am I giving up my time and my commitment and my energy and worry to a child that I didn't give birth to? So my boyfriend will love me? So the little girl will feel loved as well? I try so hard to do things so she knows she's smart and can learn to be confident...but it's empty. I feel empty. Why would doing these seemingly benevolent and positive things make me feel this way?? I have no friends that can relate to what I'm saying. I don't know how to fix what I'm feeling and I just keep going along with it all. At times, I see confinement in the future and that scares me. I want some new perspective...mainly bc I don't want to blow my relationship on my own fears. I don't want to make a bad judgement call. God, this was a long post...if anyone has any insight, I sure would appreciate it. many thanks and much appreciation Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 I never wanted to have kids of my own. And you still feel this way? Children are one of those issues that both people need to be in synch with - there is no "getting used to it". You'll never be her mother & should never even try, but you are her part-time mom. If you're going through the motions & feeling empty, well children have a very keen way of picking up on stuff like that. It's a tough one but I really think you should seriously reconsider your relationship with this man - the kid is going to be there for years & years & at this age they're at their best! ...why do i worry if he'll ever love a kid we would have--(not that i want one)--in the same manner? I know it sounds ridiculous, but for some reason the principle matters to me. If you don't want to have children then the question is moot - but what principle? If he's a decent father he'll love all of his children. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 I never wanted kids either and for a while, I dated a man with two children. It was hard. I realized there is a whole lifestyle that parents lead that I really didn't want to. We did break up, not just because of the kid issue, but that was a big part of it. I'm with someone now who has no children and doesn't care to have any. We like it like that. Remember; children are people and nobody automatically 'loves' a child unless it's their own. Tell you what....a couple of my parent friends told me when their babies were first born they DID NOT feel automatic love for the baby. They felt tired, shocked, exhausted and overwhelmed. Some mothers don't feel love for their own infants for months. So don't expect to immediately love this little stranger who is not even your own biological child. You have to get to know each other and feel each other out for some time. There is a pervasive myth in society that all women loooove children and automatically want to mother them. That's not true. I'm sure you can come to a reasonably comfortable arrangement with this man and his daughter. Over time, you may become friends. Or you may become another surrogate parental figure. Or you may become a sister figure. Give it time. YES, you will have to get along with her and the two of you will negotiate for positions within this man's life. However, you don't have to fall all over yourself being a 'parent' to her or trying to get her to 'love' you. I think you're over-stressing it because you want this man to respect and admire you. I highly recommend reading Susan Jeffers' book "I'm OK...You're a Brat" which EXPLODES a lot of women/child myths. She's a mom who writes very humorously on the parenting experience. You may like to visit this website: http://p221.ezboard.com/btanglewood30694 It's a great place for parents and non-parents to discuss issues related to children & how they impact everyone's lives. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 When you get to the point where you can't imagine not having this innocent child around, or if she hasn't been around for a period of time and you find yourself missing her little quirks, her cute smile, or even some of the annoyances, then you will know that you are in love with her, or at the very least that you care for her very very much. I'm sure she looks up to you and values the things you talk about even if it's just a conversation about her favorite toy. Is there something just the two of you have shared? A joke, a moment, something else to bond you two together? Is there something you can come up with that can be shared by only the two of you like a craft, or a book, or just a walk in a certain park once a month? She is only 3 years old, please don't wait for her to make the first move. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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