NC isn't really NC, but LC

[sweet_pea]

I guess I'm in the group that doesn't think she should just show up unannounced to her xOM. He asked for NC, she should learn to respect it and having her just show up and break that NC, while it might help her, might set him back to the beginning. I'm sorry, SWH, I know you're missing him and hurt over the break-up and what not, but it's time to think about what's best for him as well. If y'all have gone this far with NC, and he hasn't broken it (to my understanding), why break it now? I'm sure he is finally starting to heal some (if not already in the process), so why mess that up for him? Why mess up any potential for yourself to? If you aren't leaving your marriage, I really don't see why you would break NC in any way... so you can tell him that you love him but won't leave? How will that help anything?

[Owl]

We also have to keep in mind here while giving her advice on how to deal with her abusive marriage, that none of us are in her home and really don't have a real view of what her marriage is actually like. I wonder if her husband would describe it the same way. The majority of us ow/om have been the recipient of tales of how bad the homelife and marriage is, only to find out the truth is not quite what the married AP made it out to be.

 

I agree completely, but wanted to avoid bringing this up myself as I'm a fBS, and didn't want to have that used as a reason to minimize my support/views.

 

WE don't know for sure what the state of her marriage is or isn't...she does.

 

It's up to her to fix it, or change it, or end it.

 

I also agree with Sweet Pea's note that NC was asked for by the OM...not LC, but NC. And that needs to be honored by the OP as well.

 

She needs to go full blown NC, focus on making changes in her marriage and her life...and find a way to be happy within herself.

[BrokenPrincess]

That's the thing... I don't think she is capable of focusing on fixing her M AT ALL because she's completely consumed with OM. And her situation is much more extreme than regular A fantasy land because she's never even met him!!

 

I hear what you guys are saying about not dragging OM through another round of pain, but maybe for him it would give some type of closure/reality check to meet IRL as well? Judging by OPs posts, it seems like she's going to break NC any minute anyway.

 

I have no idea why in 4.5 years you could never meet, especially since he is single. This could be a total Catfish situation and all these tears and agonizing are for nothing.

[GettingOver]

That's the thing... I don't think she is capable of focusing on fixing her M AT ALL because she's completely consumed with OM. And her situation is much more extreme than regular A fantasy land because she's never even met him!!

 

I hear what you guys are saying about not dragging OM through another round of pain, but maybe for him it would give some type of closure/reality check to meet IRL as well? Judging by OPs posts, it seems like she's going to break NC any minute anyway.

 

I have no idea why in 4.5 years you could never meet, especially since he is single. This could be a total Catfish situation and all these tears and agonizing are for nothing.

 

I absolutely agree with that! I am still very curious if they ever did video calls. If not then smth is difinitely wrong here...

[sweet_pea]

I'm just really big on respecting NC, whether the MP asked for it or the AP.

 

I don't think it's right for her to show up unannounced, when her xOM said NC and has stuck to it thus far. I don't think it's right for her to initiate any kind of communication after NC was asked, especially if she plans on staying married.

 

I understand that doing something like visiting OM (without telling him) might help her, but what about him? If he hasn't reached out to her now, what makes one believe that her doing something like that will help him?

 

I think therapy is the best bet for SWH. Also, making an actual decision about her marriage.

[fanine]

I'm just really big on respecting NC, whether the MP asked for it or the AP.

 

I don't think it's right for her to show up unannounced, when her xOM said NC and has stuck to it thus far. I don't think it's right for her to initiate any kind of communication after NC was asked, especially if she plans on staying married.

 

I understand that doing something like visiting OM (without telling him) might help her, but what about him? If he hasn't reached out to her now, what makes one believe that her doing something like that will help him?

 

I think therapy is the best bet for SWH. Also, making an actual decision about her marriage.

 

I wish my xMM had respected my request to go NC the first couple of times I asked him. It was always him trying to crawl back. Yes of course it was hard but I would have been out of all this much sooner if he had just left me alone.

 

Yes he may have come back each time saying how much he missed me but in the end he could not offer me a proper relationship. Why get back in touch? It is not fair for the OW or other OM in a situation like this if the married person does not respect their wishes.

[Wambo]

Okay, so those that know my story know I've been NC with OM for nearly 50 days. We haven't spoken, but we post things on G+ and can see what each other post. Yesterday, he posted some personal type things (pics centered around his personal life). Today I posted

"Btw, this is LC, not NC. LC makes me want AC."

 

Should I erase it, or leave it?

 

Okay, I erased it. It probably isn't a good idea to say anything directly to him.

 

Besides, it's too tempting to add to that "just one more time?"

 

 

I'm the OM in a post EA and I know what he's going through. He doesn't want anything more to do with you and he wants to move on. All you done in his life is holding him back and you are still committed in hurting him. Why not send over a gang of thugs to attack him because that would be the nicer option.

The other point I like to make is I can walk upto my former AP and chat to her. i could even touch her if I want but I'm not going to. The point I'm making is my situation was more real than yours.

[sadwithouthim]

We had never had a video chat. This was because, once I told H about EA (6 months into it), he was spying on everything. I wasn't able to do it for that reason. (He did send me some VERY nice package pics to my work email, but I never sent any nudes to him, only many regular pics). I've taken tremendous risks at work for him (even listening to him phone s*x while on work phone). It's no wonder he wanted to be done, it was to the point of ridiculous. We hadn't had mutual phone intimacy in a couple years. He probably did move onto something else. I know for certain I have his heart though.

 

H was always emotionally abusive, way before EA ever happened. That's probably part of how I fell easily for OM.

 

Since finding out about EA, H has promised to change and be a good H. Now, he lays the guilt trip....."I can't believe you don't see all the positive changes I've made, and you can't try to love me again", "Doesn't anything about me ever impress you?", "Can't you just try 110% for a year?". He also brings the kids into these discussions, and I feel put on the spot.

 

My take is "Try what?". How do you try to love someone who has hated you so much. The memories that come into my head often are of him calling me every name in the book, putting us into bankruptcy ($50,000. worth of credit debt), and not caring about sex even when I would beg. He used p**n instead I suspect, but I also think he didn't want to feel vulnerable to me, and just plain didn't love me. Also, he has too much ego, and is mostly just a self-centered spoiled brat (narcissist). I wish I had chosen a better husband, especially where my kids are concerned. They've learned a lot of those bad character traits.

 

I probably should move my posts to the marriage section, because I know that's the biggest issue here. I like to stay in denial, or indecision, because it's incredibly hard for me to not be wishy washy (middle of the road in everything). I know these are issues that I need IC for. They were probably always in my character, but I know my husband made it a lot worse by controlling me and making me feel worthless.

 

One example, I remember long ago when we used to go grocery shopping together, I would pick something up and put it in the cart and he would take it out and put it back. He would say we don't need that. I got to where I wouldn't go grocery shopping anymore, now I have a fear of going to the store at all by myself (this is part of why I didn't get a 2nd phone to talk to OM). It's ways like this that my husband has made me somewhat dependent on him. He's made me fearful of making choices because I was never allowed to make choices. I must have been brainwashed also, because I should have left him SO long ago.

 

OM is one that stays home, he doesn't go out a lot. I think we had this in common. We both have some level of social anxiety.

 

I do remember when I told OM that I loved him, he said "is it me, or just anybody but him?". I do wonder if there's some truth to that because H made me feel so bad about myself.

 

You all would laugh if you saw my H and I. He would truly never come close to being worthy of me in any single way. We make about the same amount of money, but that's the only way he could compare to me (this is not ego speaking, just what I know is true). Maybe that's why he thought he had to control me, so I wouldn't leave....?

 

I know H is not as good as me physically or mentally, and definitely not from a character standpoint. Maybe he felt inferior, so he had to try to act superior. I don't know why I even try to analyze him, but I waste a LOT of time doing so.

 

I should also state that I told H about EA because his brother's wife was having EA and they (he and bro) were spying on her computer. H was logging into her computer from our house. I told him about EA because I thought he might have been spying on me also. I got paranoid. Looking back, I wish I hadn't said anything. OM probably would be fine with things if I had any freedom at all.

 

Upon finding out about EA, H really threw a fit destroying my belongings (though he had done that in the past for minor things, even cutting to shreds a shirt that he thought was too skimpy). He also said way too many things in front of the kids, that they should have never heard. I was completely honest about everything, and it only hurt me (and OM).

 

It hurts so bad to think that OM could be sharing with someone else. I feel that what we have (had) is very special.

Edited August 23, 2013 by sadwithouthim

[LimeBlue]

Where you are now, was where I was about 8 years ago. Although not on such an extent because if my H were to EVER destroy anything of mine, he knows he will see all hell break lose as I have a fiery and dangerous temper. My temper very very rarely flares, but when it does, everyone in my path had better move the **** away. And he knows it, but even with that, he was able to manipulate me in other ways and therefore control me in ways I was unable to see as it was all very passive. Therefore, over time, and over the years, he was able to subdue me into a shell of myself with no voice.

 

Then - enter my affair. Everything changed after that. I got to see a life I longed for, I got to see what a man can offer, I got to see what it was like to be with a man who did not try and control and manipulate me. Thankfully I was raised to have boundaries, which my H successfully removed, but my A prompted me to reinstate those boundaries. My A totally got me out of the rut I was living, out of the rut my H had created for me.

 

The person I am today scares the crap out of H. But because of it, things are so much better between us. Last night I had a moment where I was looking at him and I had the conscious thought process of thinking how much I do love him. His control and manipulation is sheer insecurity on his side. But he knows that if he ever tries that on with me again, that I will walk because I will never allow myself to go back to that horrible dark and lonely rut.

 

However, I do wonder if he is spying on me, and if I found out that he is, or was, then I will be serving papers without even a hesitation because that is the ultimate betrayal of privacy.

 

Some may say that I am overly harsh, but you know what? For years he held the reins and now I am in a place within myself where I am able to say "no more". Perhaps you can get there too, but from reading your posts I doubt it.

 

Start doing little things for yourself. Start with going to the store, alone, TODAY. DO NOT ask his permission, just go. Even if you merely go there to buy yourself a chocolate, and go home again. Just do it. And do not ask him if you can buy the chocolate, just do it. If you want to include him, TELL him (don't ask, stop ****ing asking permission!!) that you are going to the shop to buy a chocolate and would he like one. He can say yes or no. That is it. Then go. That is how you start reclaiming yourself - not only reclaiming yourself, but your life too.

 

Been there, done that, got the shirt. I will help you as far as I can because I know how hard it is.

 

Just remember - do not ask his permission. I find it appalling that you feel you cannot shop alone. Do you have your own bank account? If so, whether you do or don't, open a new savings account and start funneling money each month even if it is only $10. It will give you a sense of power over your own life, and DON'T tell your H about it. Start looking to your future, you are young in your early 40s, start NOW.

[sadwithouthim]

Thanks Lime, I'm glad someone can relate.

 

I don't have my own savings. He manipulated me into closing my personal one that I used to have. My checks are direct deposited into our (his) account, and he pays the bills out of them. I don't get spending money, but I do have a check card that I use to get gas in my car. Since finding out about EA, he's a bit more sharing with the money. However, even since then, he manipulated me into signing with him for a Hummer. It's amazing to me that they didn't take it in the bankruptcy (a couple months later).

 

I hide money in my desk drawer at work, this is so my husband won't find ways to spend it, and also so my daughter (11) won't steal it. I blame his for her issues with thinking only of herself and being excessive with everything, mainly eating and spending.

 

OM had tried to help me. He had told me I should open my own bank account and get therapy for my daughter. I stressed him out because I talk a lot, but hardly take action. That's probably a big part of the reason he just wanted to break ties. I still can't believe it's for good though. I guess I'll take it as a sign it wasn't meant to be anyway. Still, he could have remained my friend at least.

[sadwithouthim]

Sometimes I can find that logic. It just hurts right now. I was his crutch in some ways too. We both made things better for each other. It was mutual. Only he was available, and I wasn't.

 

My brain knows it wasn't fair to him. I need to get over it, it's almost day 50. It seems so long since I heard the comfort of his voice. I need to stop dwelling on it.

[sadwithouthim]

Of course when I read that, I think "why not just contact him then?". I'm just afraid he would get mad, or that I would sound mushy and pathetic. I want to ask him if there is someone else, because I know that would help me to move on. I wouldn't blame him. I figure I strung him along long enough.

 

If that's his view though, wouldn't he have just told me there was someone else? I know for a fact that neither of us would ever want to hurt each other. Maybe he thought it would hurt me, so he didn't tell me.

[fanine]

 

OM had tried to help me. He had told me I should open my own bank account and get therapy for my daughter. I stressed him out because I talk a lot, but hardly take action. That's probably a big part of the reason he just wanted to break ties. I still can't believe it's for good though. I guess I'll take it as a sign it wasn't meant to be anyway. Still, he could have remained my friend at least.

 

Do you realise how selfish that is? It wasn't meant to be? it won't be because you are married! And he should remain your friend while you mess his feelings around? while he props you up emotionally in your unhappy marriage, that he spends his life living on the breadcrumbs. He is likely feeling very hurt. He needs to cut contact with you so he can move on and find a woman who will love him properly. As you said you are all talk and little action. He is not a toy he is a human with emotions. He deserves a woman who can give him a real and happy life.

[sadwithouthim]

I know these things, it's just the broken heart talking. I'm angry that it's taking so long. It has gotten easier, but the fact that I'm crying at almost Day 50 is pissing me off.

 

I really don't blame him a bit, it's just hard. I write to him (journal) each day, but have never sent. Each day I have to remind myself that we agreed to NC (which is really LC as it turns out) since we are in each other's Google circles.

 

He posted pics of his zucchini he grew, and his new hamster that he unwittingly acquired on his Google+ page along with comments about them. It hurts so bad not to talk to him. I just +1'd on his hamster pic. I'm trying not to go against his wishes, but it almost feels like he's teasing me to talk to him. (I'm the only friend he has in circles, and I have him and my cousin in mine). In other words, there is a connection to him, but he doesn't want to talk to me. It hurts.

[sadwithouthim]

I'm going to give one of you his contact info so you can write and tell him to block me from everything unless he wants me to contact him...lol

[sadwithouthim]

Next step is therapy, I printed a list of them, and will be calling one this week. I'm going to try to go to a woman this time.

[fanine]

I'm going to give one of you his contact info so you can write and tell him to block me from everything unless he wants me to contact him...lol

 

I was an OW who tried NC several times before finally breaking away. In the past he was always the one who broke it and I would respond. Every time I did go NC of course I missed him. Of course in the back of my mind i wanted him to contact me and declare his undying love and arrive on a big white horse and carry me into the sunset. Of course I wanted to contact him as well, but I always tried to be strong. Distract myself. It is only now I have had the strength. Do I like it? No. After seeing someone 4-5 days a week, going on holidays, socialising with friends, sharing many moments together. Of course I miss it. Of course my life is completely and utterly different now. My weekends are without him, when other friends are out with their partners. But in the end I had to go. He could not give me the real thing. I was full of so many different emotions, I hurt too much.

 

The fact was each time he came back nothing changed. And each time the pain in my heart grew deeper. I wish he had stayed away the first time. Then I would be much further along the healing process.

 

If you do really care about him, rather than caring about what he can do for you, then set him free. There is a big difference. Let him heal.

[fanine]

Next step is therapy, I printed a list of them, and will be calling one this week. I'm going to try to go to a woman this time.

 

Yes and sort out your marriage. I know it is hard divorcing someone. I have been there but in the end I decided I only have one life. I did not want to waste it. I did not want to find myself one day having an affair because of my unhappiness.

 

If you really feel you cannot leave then concentrate on making your marriage the best you can. Don't concentrate on OM. Otherwise this current OM will be replaced by another one, who will also get hurt.

[sadwithouthim]

Yes, I know you ladies are right. I seriously do need to kick myself in the ass to do SOMETHING. Nothing will get done unless I take the initiative to get it done. I don't want to live my life in a rut, or show my kids a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Maybe the counselor can help me to find the courage to make changes.

[fanine]

Yes, I know you ladies are right. I seriously do need to kick myself in the ass to do SOMETHING. Nothing will get done unless I take the initiative to get it done. I don't want to live my life in a rut, or show my kids a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Maybe the counselor can help me to find the courage to make changes.

 

In the end you are the only one that can make changes. A counsellor can listen to you, but ultimately you need to take the initiative as you say. You have to find the courage within yourself. You cannot rely on anyone else to do that. Imagine if you were talking to a friend who is in your situation. What you would say to them.

[sadwithouthim]

I would say "divorce that man who has been nothing but a problem in your life". Still, he would probably turn it around and act like it was because of EA. At least he knows EA is NC now, so he can't use it as much as he could have before. I do know he has some email printouts of our correspondence. I need to dispose of those, as they're very personal, and some are sexual. I don't need my kids to be finding those.

[Sarabi]

He posted pics of his zucchini he grew, and his new hamster that he unwittingly acquired on his Google+ page along with comments about them. It hurts so bad not to talk to him. I just +1'd on his hamster pic

 

Based on the hamster alone you should delete him...me? I can't stand the wretched things lol:laugh: he should get a proper pet that doesn't die every five minutes, like a dog!!! Provide far more comfort ...

Having said that, I get the feeling you are truly having a very very tough time with all of this and for that I am sorry

[affairaddict]

Fanine I could have wrote the same thing. this time it's the end though I made that clear

[fanine]

Fanine I could have wrote the same thing. this time it's the end though I made that clear

 

I hope for you sake he respects your wishes. Hmm not much fun is it. Ah well. One day the fog will be completely gone x

[sadwithouthim]

Based on the hamster alone you should delete him...me? I can't stand the wretched things lol:laugh: he should get a proper pet that doesn't die every five minutes, like a dog!!! Provide far more comfort ...

Having said that, I get the feeling you are truly having a very very tough time with all of this and for that I am sorry

 

He has other animals. He's an animal lover, which is one of the things I love about him.

 

Thanks for your kind words. It's getting easier. It's just that 4 1/2 years is so long to have shared so much. He was my biggest (possibly only) fan and my greatest confidant.

 

It's not hard all the time. It seems to come in waves, ups and downs. Sometimes I'm fine with it, then the next minute I could think of something and cry a river. Time will heal.