NC isn't really NC, but LC

[sadwithouthim]

Okay, so those that know my story know I've been NC with OM for nearly 50 days. We haven't spoken, but we post things on G+ and can see what each other post. Yesterday, he posted some personal type things (pics centered around his personal life). Today I posted

"Btw, this is LC, not NC. LC makes me want AC."

 

Should I erase it, or leave it?

 

Okay, I erased it. It probably isn't a good idea to say anything directly to him.

 

Besides, it's too tempting to add to that "just one more time?"

Edited August 22, 2013 by sadwithouthim

[sadwithouthim]

I'd rather him to delete me than me to delete him. I already feel as if I got more out of this than he ever did. He should tell me to F off, not the other way around. I don't think he hates me, but he has to feel that way sometimes.

 

Besides, if I blocked him, it would probably prompt him to call and possibly be angry. Then again, he might just figure it made things harder on my end to see reminders of him everywhere.

[Calcmag]

But the point is, as long as you're having this contact, as limited as it is, you're never going to heal from this.

This is not NC, not at all, not in any way.

 

He's the one who asked to end it. I'm curious, why do you think he hasn't blocked you, or stopped using the G+ account?

[sadwithouthim]

He is in my "circles" on Google, so I see that he posts things, and he sees my posts or things that we each +1 on Google. Last week, he posted the video with lyrics of "Firefall- Just Remember I Love You". The most telling line for me in the song "the rain keeps falling, but the rainbow's gone". This is because we both made everything better for each other. We were each other's rainbows, and also best friends that shared everything.

[thefooloftheyear]

He is in my "circles" on Google, so I see that he posts things, and he sees my posts or things that we each +1 on Google. Last week, he posted the video with lyrics of "Firefall- Just Remember I Love You". The most telling line for me in the song "the rain keeps falling, but the rainbow's gone". This is because we both made everything better for each other. We were each other's rainbows, and also best friends that shared everything.

 

 

Do you enjoy torturing yourself? Maybe he posted the song for someone else, perhaps?

 

NC is NC...If its over, its over...All you are doing is picking a scab that is never going to heal and will eventually become infected..Leave it alone and let it heal..Time to test your resolve..

 

TFY

[sadwithouthim]

Do you enjoy torturing yourself? Maybe he posted the song for someone else, perhaps?

 

NC is NC...If its over, its over...All you are doing is picking a scab that is never going to heal and will eventually become infected..Leave it alone and let it heal..Time to test your resolve..

 

TFY

 

After 4 1/2 year EA, it was definitely for me. Reading that "maybe he posted the song for someone else" gave me a pang.

 

Yes, in some ways, I know I'm torturing myself. It's getting better though. I was stalking him everywhere possible in the first couple weeks NC.

[GreySkyMorning]

Okay, so those that know my story know I've been NC with OM for nearly 50 days. We haven't spoken, but we post things on G+ and can see what each other post. Yesterday, he posted some personal type things (pics centered around his personal life). Today I posted

"Btw, this is LC, not NC. LC makes me want AC."

 

Should I erase it, or leave it?

 

Okay, I erased it. It probably isn't a good idea to say anything directly to him.

 

Besides, it's too tempting to add to that "just one more time?"

 

Omg, please please leave him alone. You refuse to give him a real relationship. All you want to do is hand.him more crumbs and think you are doing him some kind of favor. You have nothing to offer him. Please leave him alone.

[GreySkyMorning]

After 4 1/2 year EA, it was definitely for me. Reading that "maybe he posted the song for someone else" gave me a pang.

 

Yes, in some ways, I know I'm torturing myself. It's getting better though. I was stalking him everywhere possible in the first couple weeks NC.

 

What makes you so sure it was for you? You gave him half a life. I really do hope he's found someone willing to put him first.

 

And you are in no way NC.

[sadwithouthim]

I have left him alone. I'm amazed that I've done as well as I have. It's mostly because of this site that I've been able to stay away from him.

 

Besides, I know that I owe it to him to either be available for him, or let his heart heal and find someone who is available for him.

 

My brain knows all this, my heart just needs reminders often right now. It's not easy letting 4 1/2 years go.

[Calcmag]

Sad, you don't know if he's been involved with someone else all along. And I wouldn't blame him - single, hot guy, involved in a LD EA with a MW ? Of course he had every right to be out dating and meeting other women. You may have held his heart but really, is a guy going to stay in every night holding out hope for a MW who is 1000 miles away and showing no plans to leave her husband?

 

I think you need to address the facts about how much fantasy and illusion may be going on here. You have an overly romantic view of this relationship, which isn't surprising considering how it's been played out.

 

I read your reply on your other thread about discussions to meet but I'm still not clear. Who suggested it first? And what were the reasons it never happened, from his side?

 

Did you two ever do video chat - skype/face time etc ?

[sadwithouthim]

What makes you so sure it was for you? You gave him half a life. I really do hope he's found someone willing to put him first.

 

And you are in no way NC.

 

I'm sure it was for me.

 

I know it's not full NC, but I didn't think to tell him that we needed to block each other, and he didn't mention it. It's too late now, and I'm not going to do it because I don't want him to think it's spiteful.

[Calcmag]

I'm sure it was for me.

 

I know it's not full NC, but I didn't think to tell him that we needed to block each other, and he didn't mention it. It's too late now, and I'm not going to do it because I don't want him to think it's spiteful.

 

I really feel for you but you seriously need to get a grip.

 

But he is the one who asked for NC. He won't think it's spiteful if you block him. He will realise that you respect and care for him enough to honour his request for NC.

As long as you're keeping hanging on like this, you will NOT heal from this. You won't move on. You'll remain stuck in your marriage.

I don't know if there's anything else anyone here can say. Are you looking for actual advice to help you heal, or are you looking here more to vent and have someone listen without trying to give advice?

[LimeBlue]

If you are worried he will think it is spiteful to block him, then send him a brief message to say you are blocking or deleting from G+ and then delete. In fact I would delete my entire Google account and start a new one under another name/handle.

 

The flip side, and I perhaps this is not the best advice, but you mentioned in another thread about going to see him as a surprise. Perhaps you should go, get it out of your system, meet him, pitch up unannounced, and either the spark will be there or not. If it is, then leave your M once and for all and try a new life with this man, if not then you will be able to finally properly move on and properly initiate NC. From your posts I do not see how you are ever going to move forward the way things are now.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You are hurting yourself with this. Delete him. This is something you have control over.

[BrokenPrincess]

I think you need to address the facts about how much fantasy and illusion may be going on here. You have an overly romantic view of this relationship, which isn't surprising considering how it's been played out.

 

Did you two ever do video chat - skype/face time etc ?

 

I'm curious about this too...you said he was gorgeous. Did you see him in pictures only, or have you done video calls?

 

 

The flip side, and I perhaps this is not the best advice, but you mentioned in another thread about going to see him as a surprise. Perhaps you should go, get it out of your system, meet him, pitch up unannounced, and either the spark will be there or not. If it is, then leave your M once and for all and try a new life with this man, if not then you will be able to finally properly move on and properly initiate NC. From your posts I do not see how you are ever going to move forward the way things are now.

 

I actually totally agree with this. Sad, your healing seems to be going nowhere because you have a complete fantasy built around this guy, and honestly I don't know how you're going to ever move on. I think at least meeting him in person might help give you some clarity.

[Calcmag]

 

The flip side, and I perhaps this is not the best advice, but you mentioned in another thread about going to see him as a surprise. Perhaps you should go, get it out of your system, meet him, pitch up unannounced, and either the spark will be there or not. If it is, then leave your M once and for all and try a new life with this man, if not then you will be able to finally properly move on and properly initiate NC. From your posts I do not see how you are ever going to move forward the way things are now.

 

Actually, I think that's great advice, because I agree that OP isn't going to move on if she doesn't change something. Whether that something is the NC that isn't NC, her marriage, or the situation with OM, I don't care which. But something needs to change.

Perhaps meeting him will really help her to clarify her position. I dont see how it could be worse than it is now.

[GreySkyMorning]

Actually, I think that's great advice, because I agree that OP isn't going to move on if she doesn't change something. Whether that something is the NC that isn't NC, her marriage, or the situation with OM, I don't care which. But something needs to change.

Perhaps meeting him will really help her to clarify her position. I dont see how it could be worse than it is now.

 

I respectfully disagree. While she does need to change something in her life and move on, I think its unfair to drag him.back.into it with nothing to offer him. She's going to go see him with what?? "Maybe I'll decide to be with you, maybe not?" She wouldn't give him what he wanted and needed from her and she STILL won't do that, she chose someone else, he requested NC so that he could heal, and who's benefit is it for her to go traipsing back into his life now tossing crumbs here and there?? Her's only. Its all about her. She needs to block him on google plus or get rid of her account, leave him alone, and work on herself. If she fixes her own life, ends up single and then wants to try to build something with him, then she can go to him with open arms and her whole self to offer to him. Until then, she needs to find some way to leave him alone and let him move on. Personally, I wouldn't be the least surprised to know he's already moved on to a real relationship. Its been two months. He had no reason to wait for her. He already waited four years for her.

[letmoc]

My opinion is that you are bored. Work on you and your marriage and leave him be for now. And when all is said and done if you decide you want him then try. He deserves better and if you love him, stop playing these games.

[GreySkyMorning]

And if she does decide to go meet him, she needs to be 100% honest with her husband about what she is doing. It's not fair to him to drag him along either while she plays around with which man she wants. Maybe her husband will make up her mind for her.

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

It might be the unpopular view, but I'm ok with that.

 

Get off your @$$ and do something about your marriage, rather than sit there and spend all this energy focusing on him!!!

 

Either fix your marriage if you want to keep it, or end it so that you free yourself and your H up to be with people that can truly love you both.

 

But what you're doing right now is destructive and disrespectful to yourself, and to your H.

 

Quit drifting along passively like it's all out of your control, like you have no say in what happens in your life, like you're not the one making the choices here.

[GreySkyMorning]

Here's my thought.

 

It might be the unpopular view, but I'm ok with that.

 

Get off your @$$ and do something about your marriage, rather than sit there and spend all this energy focusing on him!!!

 

Either fix your marriage if you want to keep it, or end it so that you free yourself and your H up to be with people that can truly love you both.

 

But what you're doing right now is destructive and disrespectful to yourself, and to your H.

 

Quit drifting along passively like it's all out of your control, like you have no say in what happens in your life, like you're not the one making the choices here.

 

I'm good with your view this time. Makes sense to me!

[Calcmag]

From reading the previous thread - yesterday - I don't think OP's going to leave her marriage any time soon. The marriage as she describes it is horrendous; I would go so far as to say her husband is emotionally abusive. Her self esteem seems to be on the floor.

I was where she is a decade ago. Well my AP and I were in an EA/PA but as far as her marriage and lack of self belief to cope alone go, I was where she is. I think it takes something major to get someone to move out from their marriage when they feel like that.

I really think that the real problem here is the awful marriage OP is in...but she's focusing on the pain of this 'NC' instead.

[Calcmag]

I respectfully disagree. While she does need to change something in her life and move on, I think its unfair to drag him.back.into it with nothing to offer him. She's going to go see him with what?? "Maybe I'll decide to be with you, maybe not?" She wouldn't give him what he wanted and needed from her and she STILL won't do that, she chose someone else, he requested NC so that he could heal, and who's benefit is it for her to go traipsing back into his life now tossing crumbs here and there?? Her's only. Its all about her. She needs to block him on google plus or get rid of her account, leave him alone, and work on herself. If she fixes her own life, ends up single and then wants to try to build something with him, then she can go to him with open arms and her whole self to offer to him. Until then, she needs to find some way to leave him alone and let him move on. Personally, I wouldn't be the least surprised to know he's already moved on to a real relationship. Its been two months. He had no reason to wait for her. He already waited four years for her.

 

 

I absolutely understand what you're saying from OM's POV.

[Owl]

I'd agree that her marriage is in bad staights. I'd also agree that her husband is clearly treating her badly.

 

I wonder though...think about this from another angle.

 

He's very jealous and controlling.

 

She's had a 4 1/2 year long emotional affair.

 

You have to wonder how much these two items are intertwined. How much of his controlling/jealous nature was the cause, and how much was caused by her actions? Same thing applies back towards her choice to have an EA as well...how much was created in defiance of her H's controlling nature...and how much created her H's controlling nature?

 

From where we're at...it's really hard to make that call.

 

All I can say is that it can't be healthy, regardless. She needs to make some choices here...and that starts by recognizing what's in her scope of control.

[GreySkyMorning]

I'd agree that her marriage is in bad staights. I'd also agree that her husband is clearly treating her badly.

 

I wonder though...think about this from another angle.

 

He's very jealous and controlling.

 

She's had a 4 1/2 year long emotional affair.

 

You have to wonder how much these two items are intertwined. How much of his controlling/jealous nature was the cause, and how much was caused by her actions? Same thing applies back towards her choice to have an EA as well...how much was created in defiance of her H's controlling nature...and how much created her H's controlling nature?

 

From where we're at...it's really hard to make that call.

 

All I can say is that it can't be healthy, regardless. She needs to make some choices here...and that starts by recognizing what's in her scope of control.

 

We also have to keep in mind here while giving her advice on how to deal with her abusive marriage, that none of us are in her home and really don't have a real view of what her marriage is actually like. I wonder if her husband would describe it the same way. The majority of us ow/om have been the recipient of tales of how bad the homelife and marriage is, only to find out the truth is not quite what the married AP made it out to be.