ian1966 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 One thing I found in my A was that my AP complained that she had no one to talk to about things... neither did I, except for each other of course. Is this a problem for anyone else, or does this actually strengthen the A bond? Was anyone else privy to your A that you confided in? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 One thing I found in my A was that my AP complained that she had no one to talk to about things... neither did I, except for each other of course. Is this a problem for anyone else, or does this actually strengthen the A bond? Was anyone else privy to your A that you confided in? Get the books Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs, both by Dr Harley. Those books will answer so many things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Maybe you primarily want feedback from fWS and WS? I'll share my observations from my wife's A - she a had a FF she shared her thoughts and experiences with. FF was/is(?) a wayward too and has been for 15 years. It looked as if they both got a weekly kick out of it, some sort of extra boost/fix from the affair, when they talked and chatted. So I tend to believe that sharing reinforces the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 I had a similar question awhile ago- I think I called the thread "What does a WS tell their best friend?" I wondered about this for awhile. I can't directly answer your question from experience but I do have some thoughts. I could see both things happening- not having anyone to talk to bringing the AP's closer together- "it's our secret", "nobody will understand", "us against the world" And on the flip side, feeling isolated and lonely and resentful that what you are doing your life isn't commonly acceptable and feeling unjustly penalized for falling in love when you weren't supposed to, or in the extreme case of my xbf, he was so ashamed of his activities and what he did in the past that even when he stopped, he never told anyone, lied to himself, and kept it bottled up for over a year. He would have gone to his grave with his secrets if he could have. That alone was killing him slowly. The truth wants to come out. I don't think it's one or the other, either. I think if AP's have nobody to talk to about their A except each other, they can and peobably will experience all of the above at some time or another. Except sociopaths. They don't feel things the same way most people do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Get the books Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs, both by Dr Harley. Those books will answer so many things. Why does he need these? He's already "fully reconciled" with his wife after just 3 months. Besides, he's already learned to fully blameshift his affair onto his wife; no need for help from Harley. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Why does he need these? He's already "fully reconciled" with his wife after just 3 months. Besides, he's already learned to fully blameshift his affair onto his wife; no need for help from Harley. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. The only thing full is the full of baloney statement that they are fully recovered in 3 months. If he knew everything then he should not be asking questions any more. Last, maybe he will learn to not blame shift what he did onto his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 One thing I found in my A was that my AP complained that she had no one to talk to about things... neither did I, except for each other of course. Is this a problem for anyone else, or does this actually strengthen the A bond? Was anyone else privy to your A that you confided in? I spoke to no one and neither did he. Which meant that it was self-reinforcing. When I had doubts about the A, he reassured me. And when he had doubts I reassured him. It intensifies the A so much. It also makes it difficult to get outside feedback and helps with rationalization. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 One thing I found in my A was that my AP complained that she had no one to talk to about things... neither did I, except for each other of course. Is this a problem for anyone else, or does this actually strengthen the A bond? Was anyone else privy to your A that you confided in? well, here's a question for the reconciling: What DO you talk to your spouse about? What did you talk to your AP about that you cannot talk to your spouse about? Why is it different? Link to post Share on other sites
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