afraid of being hurt again

[Kat]

Each and every relationship which I have been in has ended in a bad way... everyone i let myself get close to I end up looseing... and always feel used.... i tried not to let it happen again...but it has.

 

I have met this really special guy... we spend so much time together...he means so much...we have shared so much that I dont ever want to loose what we share.

 

He understands the feelings which i have and im able to talk to him...he listions...no one has ever done that before.

 

But then on xmas day his ex girlfriend who he was with for nine years of his life,...told him that she still loves him and wants to get back with him....

 

And the thing is that although he says he has strong feelings for me and that he dosent want to hurt me....there is parts of him which still loves the nine years...i understand that but i am scared of what might happen...how am i meant to compete with nine years of his life..!?

 

and although we have both said that no matter what happens we will always have a special freindship and there will always be a part in his heart for me... I feel somehow that I will still feel used...and I know that he wouldent have meant for me to feel like that but thats how i will feel again....I have had enough...I really do love him and I dont want to loose him but I dont know what to do anymore.

[Tony T]

True love is NOT egocentric. True love wants what is best for the beloved. If he elects to go back to his previous lady, and you should insist he make that decision quickly, then so be it. Send him off with love.

 

True love is selfless. And the best lover is the one who has power over it and does not let it power him.

 

When you are in a relationship, you must be in it for each moment. Yes, it's wonderful if it lasts forever, but they NEVER, EVER DO. If nothing else, death handles that matter quite nicely. For one, there will ALWAYS be hurt and pain in love...somewhere down the road. That's just the nature of love and I had nothing to do with that.

 

So when you enter into a loving relationship, and when you give your love and receive it from someone else, nurture it, treasure it and thrive in it for the moments you are together. If you're lucky, that time will be long. But if it's foreshortened by a change of feelings or other things beyond your control, that will not diminish the days you spent in happiness and contentment.

 

Oh, yes, it hurts when it ends...for sure. I've had my share. But that's just part of the deal. Everybody comes to this site looking for a prescription to avoid the hurt but the cure just isn't there...it will never exist.

 

Love is for the moment and stretching those moments out for as long as we can is ours to do. Love is something we celebrate while we are loving and we treasure the memories forever.

 

When we come to the end of a road, that doesn't diminish the greatness of the road that got us there.

 

Don't try to control this guy or influence his decision. Take some power here for yourself, celebrate the times you had with him, and don't let him jerk your feelings around. If he is actually considering going back with his ex, this makes a serious statement about his feelings for you and his relationship with you. That would be enough for me to hit the road and never look back.

 

As far as the way all your relationships end, when you change your attitude toward them and when you understand the purpose of relationships, they will come out a lot better for you. When you stop DEMANDING that they last forever, when you stop DEMANDING that life happen exactly as YOU demand it happens, you will be amazed at how your life will change.

 

Love just happens...and it doesn't take orders from you or anybody else.

[Catari]

Tony, I hope that you do not send us a message that we should act like La Traviata ( if you love someone, you want the best for that person, so if she or he wants somebody else, disappear from his or her life for the purpose of bringing that person happiness); because the true love is not egocentric. I agree with you that if he has some hesitations concerning going back with his ex, he must not love her fully.

 

Even if he stays with her, the remembrance of his doubts will always hurt or, as long as she will remember. It is difficult to become a shadow and accept the friendship, only, from the one we love, but I am afraid that it would be the best for her in this situation. He does not love her. However, it is difficult to hit the road, our feelings always bring us confusions and interrupt us to become who we would wish to become.

 

We are here for a while, nothing lasts for ever, and, as you said, we should cherish the moments given us. By whom?

True love is NOT egocentric. True love wants what is best for the beloved. If he elects to go back to his previous lady, and you should insist he make that decision quickly, then so be it. Send him off with love. True love is selfless. And the best lover is the one who has power over it and does not let it power him. When you are in a relationship, you must be in it for each moment. Yes, it's wonderful if it lasts forever, but they NEVER, EVER DO. If nothing else, death handles that matter quite nicely. For one, there will ALWAYS be hurt and pain in love...somewhere down the road. That's just the nature of love and I had nothing to do with that. So when you enter into a loving relationship, and when you give your love and receive it from someone else, nurture it, treasure it and thrive in it for the moments you are together. If you're lucky, that time will be long. But if it's foreshortened by a change of feelings or other things beyond your control, that will not diminish the days you spent in happiness and contentment. Oh, yes, it hurts when it ends...for sure. I've had my share. But that's just part of the deal. Everybody comes to this site looking for a prescription to avoid the hurt but the cure just isn't there...it will never exist. Love is for the moment and stretching those moments out for as long as we can is ours to do. Love is something we celebrate while we are loving and we treasure the memories forever. When we come to the end of a road, that doesn't diminish the greatness of the road that got us there. Don't try to control this guy or influence his decision. Take some power here for yourself, celebrate the times you had with him, and don't let him jerk your feelings around. If he is actually considering going back with his ex, this makes a serious statement about his feelings for you and his relationship with you. That would be enough for me to hit the road and never look back. As far as the way all your relationships end, when you change your attitude toward them and when you understand the purpose of relationships, they will come out a lot better for you. When you stop DEMANDING that they last forever, when you stop DEMANDING that life happen exactly as YOU demand it happens, you will be amazed at how your life will change. Love just happens...and it doesn't take orders from you or anybody else.

[Bummed out]

BINGO!!!!!

True love is NOT egocentric. True love wants what is best for the beloved. If he elects to go back to his previous lady, and you should insist he make that decision quickly, then so be it. Send him off with love. True love is selfless. And the best lover is the one who has power over it and does not let it power him. When you are in a relationship, you must be in it for each moment. Yes, it's wonderful if it lasts forever, but they NEVER, EVER DO. If nothing else, death handles that matter quite nicely. For one, there will ALWAYS be hurt and pain in love...somewhere down the road. That's just the nature of love and I had nothing to do with that. So when you enter into a loving relationship, and when you give your love and receive it from someone else, nurture it, treasure it and thrive in it for the moments you are together. If you're lucky, that time will be long. But if it's foreshortened by a change of feelings or other things beyond your control, that will not diminish the days you spent in happiness and contentment. Oh, yes, it hurts when it ends...for sure. I've had my share. But that's just part of the deal. Everybody comes to this site looking for a prescription to avoid the hurt but the cure just isn't there...it will never exist. Love is for the moment and stretching those moments out for as long as we can is ours to do. Love is something we celebrate while we are loving and we treasure the memories forever. When we come to the end of a road, that doesn't diminish the greatness of the road that got us there. Don't try to control this guy or influence his decision. Take some power here for yourself, celebrate the times you had with him, and don't let him jerk your feelings around. If he is actually considering going back with his ex, this makes a serious statement about his feelings for you and his relationship with you. That would be enough for me to hit the road and never look back. As far as the way all your relationships end, when you change your attitude toward them and when you understand the purpose of relationships, they will come out a lot better for you. When you stop DEMANDING that they last forever, when you stop DEMANDING that life happen exactly as YOU demand it happens, you will be amazed at how your life will change. Love just happens...and it doesn't take orders from you or anybody else.

[WGirl]

Okay. So has he made a decision yet? I am a little

 

confused. I would suggest calling him if he hasn't and asking him what his decision is. It is worse to be

 

hanging than to know the truth even if the truth is something you don't want to hear. It sounds to me like he has already made his decision unfortunately. What a tough break. You sure got the ##### end of the stick on

 

this deal.

 

I know how you feel about being afraid of getting hurt

 

because I am too. I have had so many failed relationships that it isn't even funny. My boyfriend and I broke up almost six months ago and I have not been

 

on a single date since. I am getting to the point where

 

I feel that I am ready to date again but I am really scared at the same time.

 

I had a few opportunities while I was dating my ex. Now

 

I am not meeting anyone. One man was a friend of a friend and he seemed like a really sweet guy but I was too attached to my ex. Then I called him once after my ex and I broke up and he didn't seem interested anymore.

 

I think he felt like second choice. I guess I can't blame him.

Each and every relationship which I have been in has ended in a bad way... everyone i let myself get close to I end up looseing... and always feel used.... i tried not to let it happen again...but it has. I have met this really special guy... we spend so much time together...he means so much...we have shared so much that I dont ever want to loose what we share. He understands the feelings which i have and im able to talk to him...he listions...no one has ever done that before. But then on xmas day his ex girlfriend who he was with for nine years of his life,...told him that she still loves him and wants to get back with him.... And the thing is that although he says he has strong feelings for me and that he dosent want to hurt me....there is parts of him which still loves the nine years...i understand that but i am scared of what might happen...how am i meant to compete with nine years of his life..!?

 

and although we have both said that no matter what happens we will always have a special freindship and there will always be a part in his heart for me... I feel somehow that I will still feel used...and I know that he wouldent have meant for me to feel like that but thats how i will feel again....I have had enough...I really do love him and I dont want to loose him but I dont know what to do anymore.

 

[leah]

in regards to this guy: if he is questioning your relationship with him because his ex has returned, then, i'm sorry to say, that your relationship is not that strong.

 

in regards to how all of your relationships end: the only thing i can suggest is what someone suggested to me - the only way things change in your life is if YOU change your response to situations. so...you'll have to choose your men differently next time. maybe rethink what you have found attractive. part of why i had felt used before is because i always chose needy men.

 

by needing to be needed - i set myself up to be used and discarded like an old razor when my purpose was done. the men didn't value me because i didn't value myself.

 

hope this helps.