I told him I loved him and needed him in my life

[sookie321]

Long story short: it's not really my ex that I want back since we never were in a real relationship. I had a boyfriend and there was another man who wanted to be with me and waited for me to figure things out, since my relationship was very questionable and seemed about to end. I wanted to be very sure with my decision and not to hurt my then boyfriend so I took my time. It was a few very long months and this another man gave up. Even though we spent time together he never felt like no 1 for me. Meanwhile I got out of my mess and finally got away from my relationship.

 

I told him I loved him and needed him in my life but he decided that it is better for us to move on separate ways. We clicked great together, he has told me that he has never had better time with anyone, or adored anyone more so I just cannot believe that this all went away so quick. He tells he is hurt and angry. That all this time this anger was building up somewhere inside and now bursted out. I cannot blame him, he is right I waited too long. I was too scared to admit that this was something what I wanted.

 

That was the biggest mistake that I've made in 30 years of my life so far. He writes occasionally "how are you" or smth. but still believes we should move on. Is there still a chance to get him back? I cannot imagine my life without him... I think this would be a huge loss in life for both of us. The problem is that he might be relocated after a few months. Please help!

Edited August 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lylat333]

Hi sookie, seeing as no one has replied to you yet I'll offer my personal advice.

 

One critique I have is when you told him you need him in your life. Not a good thing to say when trying to win someone over.

 

I think he's still torn on his feelings. He wanted to be with you and waited, and when he finally got what he had been waiting for, he probably felt that he had earned the right to be bitter, yet he still reaches out. He shouldn't be throwing out little bits of contact like he is if he isn't interested in building a relationship.

 

If you want to be with him, I would personally advocate contacting him (however you feel is most appropriate) to concisely and politely express how you feel. You know for sure that your previous boyfriend wasn't right for you and you were happy with this new guy. Apologize for hurting him, and say that you want to give the two of you a chance, but if that's not how he feels then you would prefer not to be in contact with him and move on. You don't want him to feel pressured or cornered, but you also don't want this to keep going on and on.

 

Wish you the best. I think he cares about you and will at least listen to you. If he ends up walking away, I promise it's for the best. Remain polite and calm, breaking down and pleading will only make things worse.

Edited August 23, 2013 by lylat333

[sookie321]

Lylat333, thank you so much for your message!

 

You know, I told him that I cannot be friends right now, but he sends me some link or smth like that. I get so contradictory advices: some friends tell me to go on no contact with him. Some tell to put more effort. I am really lost and not sure which would be the right way. Being in no contact seems a bit childish for me but yet I don't want and cannot be buddies with him right now and cannot pretend. The biggest question of all for me if this is still fixable. Or if I hurt mans ego that much it is over for good. He has admitted that he tried to be with someone else within that time, when I've told him not to wait for me anymore, but it didn't work out for the obvious reasons: he wanted me and was in love. I'm so torn... I still believe that deep down in his heart he loves me and wants to tru, but his mind is set to move on. Is there any chance to change that??

[lylat333]

You're welcome.

 

The only reason to go NC is if he rejects your offer to work things out. If you're on decent enough terms right now I don't think there's anything wrong with good communication and letting him know exactly how you feel. I can't stress enough to remain polite, calm, and not get overly emotional. Let him know what you want, and if he needs some time, give it to him.

 

It's fixable if you're both on board with working it out. It sounds like you are, the question is where he's at. The place you don't want to be at is in the middle, NC would be better for you both to allow your heart to heal to be ready for the next person.

Edited August 23, 2013 by lylat333

[Mcnulty]

It couldn't have been that much of a mess if it took you a "few months" to get out of it....that's what i would be thinking as a man...so, he might think the same.

 

Think you blew it, by dragging your heels miss.

[sookie321]

Lylat333,

How and when is the best time to try and find out if he could be on board with working it out? I think now he is very angry and hurt. Should I wait longer? it's been 2 months since I am single. it's been 3 weeks that he told me that right now he thinks we should move on separately because he's too angry at me. I know he still cares but I cannot just ask him like that...

 

 

Mcnulty,

There were several reasons why it took long. Trust me, I did not do it on purpose or because I liked it that way. I felt guilty, depressed and so horrible I was not the same person anymore. He saw all that and how painful that was. I guess it would not have felt right if I did it any other way. You might be right about me blowing it, but I want to be sure. I don't want to look back and regret that I let this go easily. I love this man and believe there would be a wonderful future for us together if he would give it a shot.

[sookie321]

So the latest news is after almost 4 hour phone conversation (which was inspired by some accident) is that he thinks that what is done cannot be undone. And still believes that we should move on.

We talked about so many things, I was not pushy or desperate or anything, we had a wonderful conversation but the main message hasn't changed. Guys, what do I do? Do I try my best at moving on? I kind of feel I have not so much choice left... Unless to wait more. I really would appreciate any insight, thoughts or advice.

 

Thank you,

Sookie

[MrE_UK]

So the latest news is after almost 4 hour phone conversation (which was inspired by some accident) is that he thinks that what is done cannot be undone. And still believes that we should move on.

We talked about so many things, I was not pushy or desperate or anything, we had a wonderful conversation but the main message hasn't changed. Guys, what do I do? Do I try my best at moving on? I kind of feel I have not so much choice left... Unless to wait more. I really would appreciate any insight, thoughts or advice.

 

Thank you,

Sookie

 

Hi Sookie,

 

The only thing you can do now is accept what he says. You've asked, talked, and tried; but, he isn't willing. Sorry to say, but is the message.

 

All you can do is say to him, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I do understand and respect your perspective. I ask for your forgiveness; but, I hope you have a great life and I wish you all the best."

 

Then don't contact again - ever. As hard as it is, it's the right thing to do for both of you. Then, you need to work on YOU: exercise, new hobby, take a class, redecorate, go out with friends...keep busy. Time is healing.

Edited August 24, 2013 by MrE_UK

[sookie321]

MrE_UK,

 

That exactly what I said. He said not to say that kind of things because he doesn't like to talk like this is the final goodbye or smth.

 

You are right, I will not contact him ever again and will not reply to him too. I will try to go on with my life, and I know I will eventually. Nothing can be worse anymore.

Still deep down in me there is a hope that maybe his anger will go away one day, but I know how not realistic that is and probably this hope will vanish little by little, day by day.

 

Thank you for your post,

Sookie

[bbarnt]

 

He said not to say that kind of things because he doesn't like to talk like this is the final goodbye or smth.

 

 

It seems to me that he wants you to chase him. However, I would not do this if I were you. You stated your wishes and are now single so the ball is in his court. Just go NC and work on yourself. If he really wants to be with you he will contact you once anger stage passes and he realizes that he might really lose you.

[sookie321]

bbarnt,

 

The thing is that he kept contacting me after telling that he wants to move on all the time, like every or every second day. I'm sure he will try that again once he sees me being distant. I was then communicating back, because I was hoping that maybe that is the way he's trying to make a connection or has he realized something already and has changed his mind. But he still wants to move on.

 

It's just really very hard to ignore him when he texts me or we meet on the street or smth. I feel stupid and acting childish, but I think now NC is the only way...

I think he is not sure what he wants himself in his heart since his words and actions are a bit contradictory. But on the other hand, if he didn't want to loose me, he would not risk into saying he wants to move on. Even though he says "currently I want to move on" and "I cannot say never because crazy things happen and who knows what will be in half a year" I just cannot hang there and be available anymore. It hurts too much. But that's what he did for me for months! He loved me soo soo much.

 

Bottom line is that he has to feel me slipping away and if that does not make him realize it, that is it, but only time can show it.

 

Any tips or experiences on NC?

 

I feel quite confident about it most of the time, It's just that there are those moments of weakness...

 

Thanks,

Sookie

[bbarnt]

bbarnt,

 

The thing is that he kept contacting me after telling that he wants to move on all the time, like every or every second day. I'm sure he will try that again once he sees me being distant. I was then communicating back, because I was hoping that maybe that is the way he's trying to make a connection or has he realized something already and has changed his mind. But he still wants to move on.

 

It's just really very hard to ignore him when he texts me or we meet on the street or smth. I feel stupid and acting childish, but I think now NC is the only way...

I think he is not sure what he wants himself in his heart since his words and actions are a bit contradictory. But on the other hand, if he didn't want to loose me, he would not risk into saying he wants to move on. Even though he says "currently I want to move on" and "I cannot say never because crazy things happen and who knows what will be in half a year" I just cannot hang there and be available anymore. It hurts too much. But that's what he did for me for months! He loved me soo soo much.

 

Bottom line is that he has to feel me slipping away and if that does not make him realize it, that is it, but only time can show it.

 

Any tips or experiences on NC?

 

I feel quite confident about it most of the time, It's just that there are those moments of weakness...

 

Thanks,

Sookie

 

Hey Sookie,

 

I am currently in 6-7 weeks (I stopped counting to be honest) NC. However, my situation is somewhat different as I gave her many chances and she just took me for granted.

 

If I were you I would maybe put a bit more effort trying to get back together and then just become distant. I dont mean complete NC but just do not initiate contact and if he contacts you do not respond immediately, e.g. respond to his text several hours later or next day. Even when you do respond be cool and short something like "I noticed you called me yesterday, hope all is well". At first this will make him angry but then, if he cares for you, he will realise that he has to make a choice, whether to be with you or to continue playing games. Things that you describe seem to me as if he is keeping you as backburner just to see how far are you willing to go. Do not play that game. Let him feel as if you accepted his decision and are moving on.

[Kimmie80]

Hi sookie, I am also currently in NC. I was only with him for 2 months, but it was the best 2 months of my ENTIRE life! The feelings I felt were like no other relationship. It was even different than my long term relationship with the father of my children. However, it all went crashing down as quickly as he entered my life. And it was because of me Because of my low self esteem, I got insecure and bashed him. In 2 separate emails, within 24 hours. I asked him to call me. He did. I apologized and tried to explain why I did what I did. He knows that my ex had a 6 month affair when I was pregnant with our daughter on our 10 year anniversary. But in the end, I never had a right to do what I did. And because of me, he is gone. Now I have the guilt. I emailed him 4 times, expressing my sincere apology, expressing how much I miss him and hope that one day we can try again. He responded with, "I do forgive, but everything happens for a reason. Im sure our paths will cross again someday". Ouch. I dont know if thats his way of letting me go for good, or if it means he will not shut the door completely. Either way, I never responded back. I took it as I need to move on. Its killing me!! That last email was July 18th. I havent heard anything since. I would do ANYTHING do have him reach out and see how I am doing. That way I know that he is still thinking of me. He says he cares about me, so that is not an issue. But sometimes, thats just not enough. I always hear stories of exs reappearing, but usually they have had some sort of history. We only had 9 weeks. He is probably gone and will never turn back. And here I am falling apart. All you can do is keep busy. I avoid things that will trigger memories, I joined the gym, and I still hold onto hope. I have to. Its the only thing getting me out of bed. It just doesnt seem like this is the end. I feel it in my gut. Could it be my defence mechanism kicking in, absolutely. Either way, I am believing.

[sookie321]

bbarnt,

 

My first thought also was that I should put more effort to it, show him that he means the world to me. But hearing from him yesterday, I see and he also has told, that he sees and believes me.

He said that he was waiting for that kind of things for me for so long, and now got even more than ever expected, things that he thought I am not able to admit or express because of a person I am. So he knows everything. Cards are on the table. I believe it is too late for grand gestures. I don't want to seem desperate.

 

I will not play that game! And will not be a backburner for sure.

 

Thank you so much for your post!

Sookie

[sookie321]

Kimmie80,

 

I am so so sorry for what you had to go through with your ex. Looking to the bright side at least you're not with him anymore.

 

For current situation it's been more than a month that you keep in NC! You are one strong woman! If you know he still cares for you, please keep being strong! Nothing is more attractive than confidence.

 

What helped me right now is to imagine my previous exbf's and how could they (if they could) have won me back.

That made me realize that NC or LC (you don't have to be rude or pretend not to see him if bumping in on the street I believe) IS THE ONLY WAY.

 

No one wants the thing that they can always have. No one misses something that is always there.

And at least if NC does not help you win him back you will learn how to live without them. I know, it sucks!!! I don't want it either, but what to do?

There is no way to force someone into being together and even if there was, we would not want it, would we?

 

Since it's NC day 1 for me and probably he didn't even realize me starting it since we had a 4 hour talk yesterday which fueled him up for next week or two (I know I probably should't have talked to him, but at least I know what to do now) I feel like the words of the song: wake me up when it's all over...

What I wish is that I could say is hey, I've been in NC for a month now, but it's the day 1 and the time goes by so slowly.

 

Just like you, I cannot stop believing that it cannot be over. True love does not come and go like that it's not like we're in high school anymore. So if this is it now, at least I will know it wasn't love and it's for the best.

So I would say that for now (since it's still very fresh) it is very normal that you feel this way.

 

Wish you all the best!

Sookie

Edited August 25, 2013 by sookie321

[Kimmie80]

Thank you very much, sookie! It really does help when I hear it from other people. This forum has kept me grounded since I have joined. Whenever I feel vulnerable, I just log on here.

 

The last email that I sent that truly expressed my feelings, was more of a closure for me than anything. If it scared him, oh well. He needed to hear how much I care about him and how hurt I am that he walked. I keep reading that if its true love or meant to be, then he will come back and get me. He may be scared at first, but as time passes and things settle he will realize that what I did was not enough to walk away forever. But thats ONLY if he TRULY has feelings for me.

 

As the days go on, however, I have less and less faith that he is coming back. Therefore, it is getting harder and harder for me. I did read though, that time for men is different than women. Meaning, to us, a month or two feels like forever, but to them its not much time at all. But I do know that I am starting to reach the anger stage. I am starting to get mad that he can walk away from our first fight. Maybe there was more going on then I realized

[sookie321]

Kimmie80,

 

I do the same thing. If I feel I'm getting to a weak moment or am already there I log in here too. This forum has really helped and to see other people's stories, opinions and insights is really interesting and makes you look at the situation from a different perspective.

 

If you feel relieved by telling him how you feel, probably that was the right thing to do. You know, I don't believe that it's so easy to ruin everything by one action of weakness (like sending an email) if the other person loves you. I get the content of NC, but I think that an email might prolong the time he needs to realize that he does want you back, rather than make him do the opposite.

 

I wouldn't generalize men and women because we are oh.. so different. A man that I love is soo much into details. That is one of the reasons I might have lost him forever I think. He remembers it all, he notices it all not only the good things, but the bad ones too...

 

I know how you feel. Fear haunts me too. It paralyzes me from time to time. What if he will not turn around? What if he meets someone else? What if he relocates? (which he had to do a half a year ago, but didn't do because of me...of hope we will be a couple finally and I let him down...).

 

But then is the moment that I remind myself: Hey, if he does that it will be a very clear sign that this is over for all times. That he had given up completely and does not care or want me in his life for good. It would hurt as hell but it would also give a relief and closure too.

 

My hopes are also dying, I can feel that and am not sure if I should hold on to them or let it go by little and try to kick him out of my head for good.

 

The hardest part will be when he will start texting me again, and when I would see him at some party or smth. Not sure what I will do then... Any tips?

 

Should I try to avoid him at all costs? There is one event coming up in 2 weeks that I know he will attend, it will be short (1-2 hours) and there is no option for me not to go (it is a graduation of a mutual friend and she will be very very pissed if I didn't come, I also don't want to explain the details about being in NC) What to do?

[BC1980]

If you see him, I would act nonchalant. As hard as it is, it's really best. If anything, I have found that turning off the emotions is helpful to myself at the moment even if I know I am faking it. Even if your ex is contacting you (as was my case until I initiated NC just yesterday), it gets to a point that the stress isn't worth it.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I am the only one who can dig myself out of this stressful cycle of him texting. Ultimately, I have to be responsible for my happiness, not waiting on him to see how he feels.

[BC1980]

I do the same thing. If I feel I'm getting to a weak moment or am already there I log in here too. This forum has really helped and to see other people's stories, opinions and insights is really interesting and makes you look at the situation from a different perspective.

 

This forum has definitely helped talk me off a cliff at times. It's helped me tremendously to see others with the same problems.

[sookie321]

I also have told him that I cannot be friends with him right now, that I'm sorry and hope he understands that. He replied that he understands and is very sorry (I guess for asking to meet me on my bday and texting me continously). But then after few days he did it again...

 

Now we talked and he also has told that we cannot be friends right now and should not hang out and stuff, which was already what I have told him first a week ago or so. And I am sure that he will somehow try to contact me after a while especially when he realizes I stepped back. He did that before - trying to learn all the details who was I with exactly, who gave me flowers and stuff like that.

 

We have quite a few mutual friends and I also don't want to miss out on spending time with them because of him. Having fun is what I need so much right now!

 

Also, I don't want him to think I'm weak and hiding. But he knows me so well, that I am very afraid that when he sees me being nonchalant he will still see right through it... what if he comes to me to ask how am I?

 

I am afraid to do something stupid which I would later regret. I need a plan to stick to, does anyone by chance has one or was in the similar situations?

[Kimmie80]

As far as advice on what to do when he sees you.... Even though I am not in that situation, though I would do ANYTHING to have him reach out and want to be friends with me, I know, silly, I think the best thing to do is act like everything is fine. Do not initiate the contact, but if he walks over just be short. If he says how are you, tell him your fine. I wouldn't go on about how "great" you are, he will see right through it.

 

Since you are in NC, it will be impossible to avoid him forever. So, just be as casual as can be, don't initiate any contact, be short but sweet, and tell him you got to go. Again, I have never been in that situation, but thats what I think you should do.

 

And thank you so much for all your feedback! It is helping me a lot! Were you saying that due to expressing my feelings via email that he may take a bit longer for him to absorb? I always sound like I am repeating myself on these, but I dont care lol. I need to vent

[sookie321]

Kimmie80,

 

If you've sent 1 email I believe that is fine. He might not be excited about it, but since you're in NC he should not be bothered so much.

 

I also had to have the talk so I would have a clue and get the feeling that from my side I've done everything I could now and there is no misunderstanding between us.

If you want to send more emails (I also want to do that from time to time) just write one but do NOT send it! Keep it as a draft. Write a diary or post here.

 

Once again think about some of your exbf which you ended up things with. Would you like them to text you again and again if you do not respond? Could they win you back that way? How could they get you interested again? Confident, happy and a bit misterious (not all available) would work for me I guess. So at least for me the answer is NC.

 

Trust me, this reaching out is like knife to the heart every single time...

 

Last time we met he asked me nicely to go out on my bday to the special place that we wanted to go some time ago and stupid me agreed...

 

I thought and hoped he was going to tell me something about our status, that he realized something, but he just kept blabing about some common things and his everyday life.

I sat there and wanted to cry, but forced myself to wait until he was gone. I was not hearing and don't even remember the things he was saying since they seemed so not important comparing to what was happening. That was the worst thing that could happen.

I felt cheated. If I knew this was what he wanted (to give me bday present in person and see me) I would NEVER have gone...

 

So I guess what I am trying to say is that being friends is not an option when you're broken hearted.

 

Him reaching out also not good if he's not making any statement with it.

[sookie321]

So called "news" is that he is still hunting out for contact. Comes over to return smth, writes smth, asks smth.

 

Not sure how to proceed with the situation...

 

NC? Any suggestions?