IS HE JUST PHYSICALLY n VERBALLY ABUSIVE TOWARDS ME?

[Sympathy]

I have been with a man who has been both physically and emotionally abusive to me in the last 3 yrs of the almost 5 yr relationship....he has a serious heroin addiction habit and is currently on probation for convicted drug trafficking but has served many years in prison and has other non drug related felonies.

 

Yes i know i have been conned by a con but in the beginning of the relationship he was kind attentive generous and overly clinging to an uncomfortable fault....and was clean but has relapsed constantly with his heroin addiction and involved in criminal type behavior and with criminal type cohorts surrounding his drug using and dealing habits.

 

He recently dumped me and i suspect there might be another woman involved as that would explain both his emotional and sexual distance but it could be drugs but he is on probation and besides he doesn't have a pot to piss in financially so how he wines and dines her i wouldn't know.

 

My self esteem has totally disappeared and his rejection of me has all but killed me and although friends and family are glad and good riddance....but he has done this to me before only to pop up again down the road as if nothing happened....but usually cause he wants something.

 

My question is this....do you think he is just abusive to me as there is something wrong with me and i ain't worth diddley squat or he might treat the next woman the same way eventually......All his past girlfriends had serious addictions of their own and the last one OD'd on him......i am really his first kinda 'nice girl' and what he first loved about me he finds annoying and contemptuous....

I am so depressed that he won't call and i feel like worthless garbage

 

Thanx for listening......

[Devildog]

The only problem I can see with you is a lack of self-esteem. Your friends and family are right, you are much better off without the guy. Get a restraining order if you have to to keep the guy away from you.

 

Take the opportunity to get away from this loser. He keeps coming back to you because he knows he can play you. Stop letting him.

[JoL]

Are you serious? You know this man is BAD NEWS and yet you are basing your entire self esteem around him?!

 

Honey, there is nothing wrong with you. This man is clearly unstable, directing physical and emotional abuse towards you. You will be happy he is gone in the long run- believe me. DON'T give in to this guy. Let him walk away and pray he doesnt come back.

 

You are lucky he has dumped you. physical, emotional and drug related violence is NO WAY to live your life.

 

He will treat every person in his life the same way. People who leave abusive personalities untreated do NOT change.

 

I know, even though this guy is clearly terrible for you, it is still hard to accept him rejecting you.

PLEASE do not take him back. He has serious problems and you will only get more entangled in his messy life the longer you are with him.

 

I get the feeling he has eroded your self esteem and your strength to the point where you give into him and take him back when he shows up again.

 

Also, heroin use is extremely dangerous if he is sharing needles, with HIV...PLEASE get rid of this guy, he needs help and you ARE NOT his martyr, his psychiatrist, or his parole officer....

 

RUN....RUN FAR AWAY.

[Jai]

I can kind of understand where you are coming from but to put up with that BS for 3 years is crazy.

 

The one thing I say about abusive relationships is:

 

The first time it happens you are the victim......anytime after that if you decide to stay you deserve what you get.

 

I know it sounds insensitive but if you don't leave you know what you are getting in to.

 

 

Just my 2 cents,

 

Jai

[moimeme]

I can kind of understand where you are coming from but to put up with that BS for 3 years is crazy.

 

The one thing I say about abusive relationships is:

 

The first time it happens you are the victim......anytime after that if you decide to stay you deserve what you get.

 

I know it sounds insensitive but if you don't leave you know what you are getting in to.

 

Jai, you have no idea what you are talking about. Ever lived in such a relationship? No? Then don't pretend to try to understand.

in the beginning of the relationship he was kind attentive generous

 

Abusers are like that. They win you over and you think they're great. Then, when the abuse starts, it's surreal. You can't believe it even happened. And they promise - even cry - that they will NEVER do it again and because they were so nice and wonderful, you believe it.

 

Nobody 'deserves' to be abused; until you've been inside such a situation you can't possibly understand.

[morrigan]

Abusers are very manipulative people--they can destroy one person's self esteem while outside people think they are the greatest person on the planet.

 

Sympathy, I doubt you are the first or last woman that this man will abuse. People don't choose to date an abusive person, the abuser basically plays a Jekyll/Hyde with your emotions. Even when he's a total SOB to you, you keep thinking on all the times he has been loving and kind. It basically gets to the point where you think this man is your emotional lifeline.

 

You don't need this man to live a good life, and I don't think anyone would ever have a good life with him either. This man would not have stopped physically or verbally abusing you. Ignore any calls/emails/visits that this guy may attempt in the future.

[MelodyJ]

Please, listen to your family, and to the advice given here, and get away from this man ASAP. He will not change, you are not the first nor will you be the last. Abusive behavior or a very dangerous drug addiction alone is bad enough, but together, you can't possibly believe it will get better. Take care of yourself and get out of this situation while you still can. I wish you good luck.

[Pocky]

After leaving an verbally abusive relationship I realized that he treated me that way because he knew that I was too good for him. He knew he was a loser and an a**h*** so his only way to control me and keep me around was to make me feel like **** about myself. He knew that if I realized I was too good for him I'd leave. He was right. After eight months I realized what an ass he was and I left.

[Jai]

Hey before you start flaming my post I think it needs to be recognized that I was in an abusive relationship. Maybe it wasn't physically abusive but abusive nonetheless. She would always hang the relationship over my head to manipulate me to do whatever she wanted telling me she would break up with me otherwise or when she is mad calling me hurtful names and telling me she hates me and stuff like that. I know all about it but in the end it is my fault because I continued to put up with it instead of leaving and only you have control of your life and you can only make decisions for yourself and if you decide after he has told you everytime he hits you that he is sorry shouldn't you get the hint that he will continue to do this? Sure I can understand it happening once......everyone makes mistakes but if it continues you can only blame yourself for putting up with it.

 

Once a victim...Twice you asked for it,

 

That's my moto and I am sticking to it......Just like if you get cheated on and go back with the person......you are just asking to get cheated on again.

 

Sorry if I offended anyone but I have a right to my own opinion and just because you may not agree does not make my point invalid.

 

Jai

[Sympathy]

I am so grateful for all of those that have shown me such concern and kindness by replying to my thread.....my self esteem has become so eroded that i have lost touch with the reality of what a monster this man really is and how i have become so enslaved to him.

 

I failed to mention that the last time he was knocking me around a neighbor had called the police but i refused to press charges as i thought he might have had some dope on him and i would have been in trouble if the police searched him on my premises( we don't live together).

 

Of course he denied afterwards he had in fact any dope on him during that incident and would never bring it into my home as i made him promise me so often......well a month after the fact i was cleaning behind my stereo cabinet and found about 6 bags of heroin that were clearly packaged for sale(I flushed it all down the toilet)....that bastard even tho he was living with a dope dealer at the time that he used to cop from told me and the police that he knew this woman was dealing dope but he just lived there and had nothing to do with the operation nor was he using any of it.

 

He also has Hep C in its dormant stage but failed to tell me until after we had unprotected sex.....i doubt he is telling his new babe about it or me or the fact that he is a convicted dope dealer currently on 5 yrs probation.....this being his 5th felony acquired....others for theft kidnapping etc.....even escaped from prison once and held people up at gun-point with his buddy to get money from their ATMs.

 

He sweeps up at a factory for minimum wage.....his driver's license was revoked for possession of drug paraphanelia....he swallowed the dope before the police got to his truck.

 

 

Yet i am miserable that he has dumped me for another woman......i don't know it for sure but if he lied about all his dope dealings why would he tell the truth about cheating?

Sure he is on probation and can't use but if he got off probation tomorrow he use in a second and that poor woman would be f**ked and f**ked over as i have been.

 

You all must think i am nuts for caring about this guy who doesn't care about me

 

luv to all Sympathy

[mandimay]

I know what it's like. I know what it's like to lie in bed and just pray that he will call...even if it is to call you a stupid bitch. I was in an abusive relationship for many years. For the first 9 months he treated me like a goddess...Then it started. The abuse and the pain. When my ex left me (officially I pushed him to leave after finding that he was cheating and then being abused one night for spying on him) I felt destroyed. I didn't deserve anyone else or to be treated 'good'...at least that is what he had told me for years. Then HE didn't want me either? I felt worthless and looked to him for the acceptance that he gave me in the first few months. I just wanted all the abuse to 'go away' and have that old person back in my life.

 

I found myself feeling completely hopeless one day...and it was then that a miracle occured. I found a friend. She said everything to me that I just said to you above. She told me to tell myself ONE thing...everyday when I wake up and would remember that he was gone...It was this:

 

"It's hard right now. It hurts right now. But this is as hard as it's going to get. Every day it's going to get a little easier."

 

One morning, about a month later (after saying all of the above every day) I woke up, got my youngest son from his crib, fixed a bottle for him, sat down on the couch...and it was only then that I remembered that my ex was gone. It was a turning point in my life. I remembering saying out loud, "It's actually working!"

 

Today, 8 years later, I am so glad that part of my life is over. In the beginning I didn't see how I could make it without him...But try to see it this way...One year from now (and i know that seems like a long time...it honestly isn't!) but one year from now, you could be with someone who sees you as precious and worthy of all things good in life. You deserve better. Hang in there!

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,

Trying to take it one day at a time as you suggested.....someday i probably will be grateful to him that he had the gumption to end it for his own selfish reasons but it in the long run it will be my salvation. Others have pointed out to me as well as a S.W.A.T. team police officer....who was here regarding charges my neighbor was bringing against my ex bf...that the ex bf was dangerous and was indeed capable of cutting one's head off with a knife as he had threatened my neighbor...

 

The officer said that they were keeping tabs on my ex bf for 2 yrs and when i asked the ex bf about it...he just laughed and said that the officer was full of s**t.

 

In fact when the ex bf was convicted of the drug trafficking charge he was telling me if he wanted he could have the judge prosecutor detectives etc. "taken care of"..

I thought he was just saying that for effect but now i am thinking that i probably don't know half of what the ex bf has done or is capable of.

 

I used to think the ex bf was guilty of everything but cheating as we made a pact that we'd always tell each other and so often he indicated that who ever i cheated with would suffer the consequences if it ever came to pass.....

 

 

I am starting to think as my counselor has said that the ex bf is an antisocial sociopath and is 'sick' in the sense that he doesn't know he is 'sick' and that is what makes him more dangerous.

 

Mandimay....did your ex bf ever try to contact you after he broke up with you and do you know whatever happened to him or the women he became involved with?

 

I hope tomorrow i will be less sadder than today,

bless you Sympathy

[mandimay]

Originally posted by Sympathy

Mandimay....did your ex bf ever try to contact you after he broke up with you and do you know whatever happened to him or the women he became involved with?

 

I hope tomorrow i will be less sadder than today, bless you Sympathy

 

Yes, he did. As he had many times before. He had left several times, one time leaving my son and I 250 miles away from home...we were absolutely homeless and had no money. My parents came to my rescue, rented a van and brought us home. Six months later I took him back. I became pregnant with my second child after about 4 months. The abuse had already set in. He left again when I was 7 weeks pregnant, took my car and all the money we had. My parents moved me back in with them. Six months later...guess what? I was getting ready to give birth to my 2nd son and he came back begging me for another chance and promising he would change. I took him back. He once again began abusing me and cheating on me.

 

It's a never ending cycle. But I decided to end it. When he tried to come back a year after the last time I refused to give him a chance. I was done. and I was so proud of myself. Now ask me "why"...

 

I found later that during the time he was trying to "get me back" he was seeing someone else. When he saw there was no chance with us he asked this woman to marry him. When he left HER a year ago (she was also pregnant) she was nearly suicidal...wanting to know if he had contacted the kids at all. I laughed...Like he would call his kids! She just poured out all of this big story to me...and yep, you guessed it...He had been beating her. He came back to her a few months later and they are still together now...and he still beats her. For awhile I thought it was just "me"....I was ugly and stupid and deserved what I was getting...Now I see the truth...It isn't what I deserved! It's what you get when you are a part of that mans life...

 

I'm not going to judge you for being sad because I KNOW what it's like!! I know the way you feel and how little self esteem you have right now...I'm just asking you to please tough it out for awhile!! I promise (and I am saying this from experience!) you will be soooooooo glad you did...It's hard to even consider "moving on" right now. I know...I remember thinking "Life is horrible without him...how will I live the rest of my life without him!" But please believe me when I say that it won't always hurt this bad. I can tell you...it gets better and easier every day!!

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,

I am hoping you are correct and that each day the pain will lessen a bit and that i can steel myself from calling him or contacting him in any way shape or form.

 

I was just wondering what your reaction was to my actual description of my ex bf in so far as the man himself. If i can get in touch with the reality that this man is a drug dealing drug abusing violent man with multiple felonies and a long incarceration and that at age 52 he can only get a job sweeping up at a factory for temp wage and has no car or bank account and lives in a furnished room from week to week then maybe i can knock him off that pedestal in my mind. I would usually have to throw him extra money to augment his income so if i am correct in assuming that he has dumped me for another woman....how can he possibly afford her and what is the attraction for her and what kind of woman must she be unless she doesn't know his background or that he is on probation or that he has Hep C

 

Mandimay or anybody please hit home to me that this man is indeed doing me a favor by dumping me but i guess my ego is messing with me here.

luv Sympathy

[mandimay]

You said it yourself, Sympathy! He's a loser. I don't do drugs and don't allow anyone in my life who does. Obviously you don't use either...He has a sucky job, no money, nothing going for him and a record that would keep him from getting a good job or getting credit to ever buy a home or car. And how could he buy a car? He works for min. wage?

 

Think of it like this: Let's say you were with this man and got married....For the rest of your adult life you will be forced to deal with lies, drugs, probation violations and long periods of seperation due to jail time. Life would be a constant stress. Add to this the fact that you won't be able to afford to pay bills, rent, etc. because he doesn't make any money. On top of this you have to worry about being abused, walking on eggshells and him walking out on you.

 

He's a loser. You are obviously a devoted person to your signifcant other and you deserve someone who sees you as special and worthy of the same devotion. This guy will never have a life! My ex's life sucks right now because his new wife doesn't trust him (he was trying to get me back when he was seeing her) and she threatens constantly to leave him because of the abuse. All the while, I am sitting here with someone who absolutely adores me and cares about how I feel. Don't let him bring you down to his level. Definitely don't call him. I know all about "battered women's syndrome" and the attachment and low self esteem issues that you have because I've been there. It's hard to hear "he doesn't deserve you" because this immediate instinct comes over you to protect the jerk. Well, what has he done good for you recently? F*** him...Let him have his drugs and his ho's and his probation officers and find yourself a decent person...I can tell you this: There is no better feeling that waking up and being able to say "I don't have to worry if I will be abused today!"

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,

I really needed to hear what you wrote.....first thing i did was print out a copy of your reply and i am going to tape it to my fridge door. When i even think about calling or mailing him a letter i will read your reply and stand fast. He hates computers with a passion and probably doesn't even know how to turn the power button on so i don't have to worry about his e-mailing me. He is all about control and we computer users know that most times the computer seems to have a mind of its own and that is a big no no with the ex bf so he won't even bother with one and he resents me for even 'wasting' my efforts on one.

 

I do not do drugs....nor have i ever been in trouble with the law and i have money in the bank and a roof over my head but i don't have a driver's license unfortunately.....and i don't sleep around. I wished i had press charges against him when the neighbor last called the police on my behalf but something told me that he might have had drugs on him even tho he swore he would never bring heroin into my apartment.....and about a month later that is when i found that felonious amount of heroin behind my stereo cabinet that he had thrown right before he opened the door for the police to come in.

 

I keep thinking what if i had press charges....he probably would have told them that the heroin was mine as it was my apartment and i would be sitting in prison right now. I just feel l could have prevented his wreaking havoc on his current or next unsuspecting female victim.

 

I am just very lonely and feeling vulnerable and unlovable right now but i will continue to take it a day at a time and soon feel blessed that he chose to dump me..

 

Thank you ever so much for thinking of me

Sincerely Sympathy

[mandimay]

You are VERY welcome! That's the way to see it!! You know, the way this guy sounds I wouldn't doubt for a second that he would blame the drugs on you!! When this all happened to me I had a license but it didn't do me any good because I didn't have a car...and I had 2 kids (including a brand new 4 month old)...but now I have two cars, a good job working from home setting my own hours, a great man and I still have those two kids (lol)...You never know what great things are out there for you...but one thing is for sure...You know that with that jerk you would have a lifetime of heartache, police involvement and trouble! Best of luck to you! Please keep me updated

 

Sincerely, Mandimay

[Sympathy]

 

Dear Mandimay,

That 'stinkin thinkin' is starting to creep in....probably as it is the weekend and my mind is going at a 100 miles an hour.....mostly centering on him and what he is doing and who he might possibly be with and that his life is far happier now that he doesn't have 'this albatross' namely me around his neck.

 

I am so tempted to write to him at least and acknowledge that i am pretty sure that i have been dumped for someone else and that at least he should have had the charity and balls to tell me that was the reason...instead of leaving me hanging. My friends tell me that he would never be honest about telling me if it were true or not. Knowing him the way he is and what a lying heartless bastard he is i would think he would have no problem telling me the truth as he doesn't really care about my feelings. My friends believe that for selfish reasons he wouldn't tell me so as to keep me on the back burner so to speak if down the road he might need my services.....or she dumps him or vice versa.

 

I had a difference of an opinion with him when i called him at work about 2 weeks ago....he always answers my questions with another question and when pressed he always threatens to hang up which he did.....so when i called back he suddenly blurts out "It's over girl!" and slams the phone down. This is all i get after almost 5 yrs of being with him? What terrible crime had i committed to have him end it in this cold heartless manner?

 

I don't know if there is another woman or it might be drugs.....cause i see him acting in a irrational adversarial manner with people in general.....he is suspicious of everyone and deems them too nosey or trying to f*** him over.....even the nice old landlords where he is renting a room at present......i think it is because he doesn't have the liberty of bringing drugs or his disreputable drug friends over there to his cell like room.

 

He talked about visiting some woman from where he eats everyday for the last 3 weeks as she has cancer....but he had forgotten to tell me until i espied her lighter he was using as he left his over there......he said even she was surprised when he dropped over there unexpectedly as she lives two blocks away from him and he never mentioned her once the whole 2 years he has been eating at this diner as a regular patron that he knew there....and he says even his old landlord knows her.

 

He didn't have much to say about her save that she was bloated from all her chemo and had lost all her hair and he didn't know what type of cancer she had but was pretty out of it.......he did know that she took Oxycontin and Palladone which are the poor man's heroin in pill form. He also said that the area he lived in was pretty riddled with drugs and he might have copped there and when he gave me the address for some reason that stuck in mind as sounding familiar and a red 'drug' flag went off in my head....but he is on probabtion so using would be a risk for him now.....but he doesn't want to do 5 yrs probation and attending this nuisance required 3 recovery meetings a week.....sometimes he hints at doing the 9 months in prison instead.

 

When i pressed him about whether this 'cancer' babe was a new love interest he recoiled in disgust and suggested we'd go over to her place right away and clear things up as he ain't interested in her that way. Mandimay for a man of 52 yrs of age he always had a very healthy sexual appetite save when he was doing heroin but he would always pounce on me even when i wasn't in the mood.......In the last month i noticed that he was emotionally distant and sexually distant as well and would begrudge the one day of the weekend he would spend with me but he would come all the same.....but he would be glued to the TV set or if we were out in public he would barely talk or finish all my sentences or if i was quiet he complained i wasn't saying anything.....then he would start in on my appearance and why wasn't i holding hands with him during the movie........we would come home and fight and he'd threatened to leave but suddenly he started getting amorous and sexual and get angry i wasn't reciprocating........

 

Just when i thought we are getting close that is when he would orchestrate some kind of fight and here i am again by my lonesome......is it another woman or is he just nuts like my counselor says? I know something was brewing with him.....and as in the past whenever he gave me the boot unexpectedly it seemed that his life took a turn for the worst.....not because he missed me but somehow without me being in the picture he didn't have a ready source to take all that seething anger on and unleashed it on the wrong people

But this will sound really weird to you.......he absolutely has no one in this world......his only brother died last year......his daugther wants nothing to do with him and much less wants his grandchildren around him......he had to give her up for adoption when he did a long stretch in prison in his youth.....and she had been repeatedly raped by her new stepfather from age 2 to 12 and her birth mom was a schizophrenic and when she got married 2 yrs ago her adopted mom wouldn't let my ex bf attend her wedding even tho he and the daughter just got reunited.

 

Mandimay i am feeling sorry for this monster but i shouldn't as i know that tough veneer and drug addiction just suppresses a lot of pain and feelings of worthlessness........and at one time he was a pretty decent generous kind man to me and would cry at the drop of a hat and was more needy emotionally and clinging than i am.

 

His childhood was horrendous.....his birth mom died in childhood and his stepmother was a violent alcoholic that beat him to the point of amnesia and starved him......but only his granny who has the same birthday as i and that her's and mine birth date is the same last 4 numbers of his SSN rescued him as a little kid......kinda spooky

 

Oh God i am feeling so sorry for this man that despises me and is probably screwing some ho even as we speak.......

 

PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME NOT TO CALL OR WRITE

luv SYMPATHY

[mandimay]

Don't do it! He doesn't deserve your sympathy! (no pun intended) He probably is in jail... I know how these men are. They know how beaten down they have made you and how much they make you dependant on them. My ex would walk out all the time and go have fun then come back a few days later acting like the perfect husband for a few days. It's not a lifestyle you want to have for the rest of your life. It's a life filled with despair and hurt and pain for years!!!! Oh my God, I can't tell you how relieved I am that that part of my life is over...Even though at the time it was happening I actually THOUGHT my life was over.

 

What has he done to deserve your sympathies? Would he set at home and cry for you? In the beginning most abusers are sweet and sensitive. My ex was too. But it never went back to "normal" from the first time he put him hands around my neck.

 

I know you feel neglected and hurt. You feel like "I have been so good to him and loved him so much and tried to make this work...yet look what he has done to me???" You will never have a good relationship with this man. He will never respect you. He will never be good to you. You will have to spend your life trying all you can to make him happy, knowing that the smallest screw up will cause him to leave you, beat you or verbally abuse you.

 

You have to be the one to stop the cycle. You are so much like me!!! I was the same way. I vowed at one point to spend my life doing all I could to prove to him that I was wonderful and the perfect woman for him! During this time, all he was was a high school drop-out who couldn't keep a job and thought he was God's gift to women.

 

Keep saying to yourself, "I DESERVE MORE THAN THIS LOSER!!!" And BELIEVE THAT YOU DO! No one deserves what you have had to go thru...and judging from the description of him...this guy doesn't deserve the satisfaction that you are missing him. Please be strong. Don't write him or call him. Remember...He is the one with the problems!!

[mandimay]

Please read my post above...but also consider this...

 

"Don't settle for the man you can live with. Wait for the one that you can't live without!"

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,

In your personal estimation do you think his recent aloofness and sexual withdrawal in the last couple of months is a good indication that he's getting it somewhere else tho he emphatically denied it to the point of rage. I still can't believe he has kicked me to the curb for a difference of an opinion when the preceding weekend he was actually talking about his spending more time with me on the weekends

 

He works out daily at the local gym near where he lives....an old habit from his prison days....but i think of late it is not enough of a substitute for getting high.....besides his heroin habit before he was sentenced this past May he was literally smoking pot 24/7 as well as selling it......he was also what the detectives refer to as the 'Big Baller' in that he sold a myriad of drugs on the street. Sometimes i think he misses the role he used to play while he was living with the drug dealer when he was busted.....he was the 'muscle' in case any of the buyers tried to get rough during a drug transaction. I don't think he feels very significant sweeping up at a factory for minimum wage and all his assistants keep leaving on him and one of the permanent employees actually told him that his janitorial job beat panhandling in the snow and i know the old ex bf took a mighty offence to that remark.

 

Mandimay it just pisses me off that he thinks that i might not be hip to his dumping me for another woman and i feel like i at least should write to him and tell him so.

Aside from his coolness towards me however i sensed that something else was going on with him that had nothing to do with me but my being in the picture might prove a nuisance for him whatever it is and that is why he gave me the boot.......In the past he would even tell me he didn't love me anymore just so i would leave him alone so he could go cop......but he is on probation right now so i don't know if drugs are in the picture.

 

I am tired of feeling like a sap and i want him to know that i am on to his possible adultery....should i confront him even tho he has already given me the gate?

 

Sympathy

[mandimay]

Originally posted by Sympathy

Dear Mandimay,

In your personal estimation do you think his recent aloofness and sexual withdrawal in the last couple of months is a good indication that he's getting it somewhere else tho he emphatically denied it to the point of rage. I still can't believe he has kicked me to the curb for a difference of an opinion when the preceding weekend he was actually talking about his spending more time with me on the weekends

 

Mandimay it just pisses me off that he thinks that i might not be hip to his dumping me for another woman and i feel like i at least should write to him and tell him so. Aside from his coolness towards me however i sensed that something else was going on with him that had nothing to do with me but my being in the picture might prove a nuisance for him whatever it is and that is why he gave me the boot.......In the past he would even tell me he didn't love me anymore just so i would leave him alone so he could go cop......but he is on probation right now so i don't know if drugs are in the picture....

 

....I am tired of feeling like a sap and i want him to know that i am on to his possible adultery....should i confront him even tho he has already given me the gate?

Sympathy

 

In my situation, my ex and I were not sexually active for several weeks and then I found out he was seeing someone else...so in my situation, sexual withdrawal did indicate an affair...But my question is this...What does it matter? Whether he left because he was seeing someone else or if he left because he wants to be single or for whatever reason...That part is over. I did the letter thing and to this day I regret it. Why? My ex just showed all of his buddys my painful, tear stained letters and they got a good laugh out of it. Years later I know he still has some of them...and looking back now I would just rather had said "Already, a**hole, get the hell out and don't come back!" and I wouldn't have shed one tear...Because in the end it didn't work out and in the end I was just the whiny chic that "wouldn't go away". I finally got vengence the last time he tried to come back and I repeatedly turned him away...But it is really unneccesary to find out now if he was cheating. He is gone. To confront him now would do no good other than to make you look as if you are trying desperately to get him back...I regret all my tears and letters and phone calls. I regret so many things. But at the time I was so beaten down that I thought I HAD to be with him. He had abused me to the point of thinking it was him or no one. I'm sure this is what you are feeling also.

 

If you must write the letter, I would say go ahead and do it. But before you do, ask yourself, what difference does it make? It's not like getting an answer from him that "Yes, I was cheating" would make things better between you and him. All it will do is build him up more by you showing him you are giving him the time of day to begin with.

 

Once again...I did all of what you are considering doing now. And I can say from the bottom of my heart that I regret it more than most other things in my life. Try your best to hold out as long as you can...In a couple of weeks you may wake up and say "I don't CARE who he is with..."

[Sympathy]

Dear Mandimay,

Your words are a source of inspiration to me....i am trying to maintain and at least have a little dignity although i know the ex bf disrespects and holds me in contempt. Whether he truly has cheated on me is a moot point as he is gone and ended an almost 5 yr relationship with a simple slamming of the phone.....friends treat each other better than that....at least my friends do and i to them. I can't honestly say that we did not engage in sex towards the end....but i have to own up to resisting his advances or 'just getting it over with' cause ever since finding all that heroin that he didn't even apologize for leaving at my place and his violent temper....i found i couldn't trust or relate to him as a lover anymore.

 

I think he hates me cause he knows that i know he is guilty of those drug trafficking and possession charges and that he swore in God's name and his dead brother's name he was innocent.....finding that dope just confirmed what i knew all along.

 

He was saying that he was through with relationships after me as he couldn't deal with the emotional baggage of one and that he didn't want to talk about his current probation or criminal background or drug addiction to a new woman.....she could get all that info off the web if she really so desired.

 

Mandimay i think it is really sad that people are telling me in general that to show that i care or even give a f**k is seen as a sign of weakness or something negative.....i don't want to become a heartless bastard like him and i know he doesn't deserve my sympathy as i don't have his but how happy can he really be with the life he has led and the life he is living now and all that he has lost and at age 52 he really doesn't have much......we shouldn't judge people by how much money they have or don't have but in his case it was i always had to pay for the extras and he never volunteered a thank you as if it was expected. How could we buy a home or a car together....hell he can't even leave the state for another 5 yrs

 

I know he has muscles from working out but do you think a 'nice' woman is not going to tire of picking up the tab all the time and making more money than he does? If he got off probation tomorrow he be smoking weed 24/7......getting sloppy and stupid and back to selling dope again........it is the same repeated pattern for over 25 yrs of his 52 yr life.

BUT STILL I AM LONELY AND MISERABLE

luv Sympathy

[mandimay]

Hey Sympythy...Hope you are doing well!

 

It's okay to hurt, cry and be upset. It's okay to feel lonley and sad. These are feelings we have at the end of every relationship...even if it's an abusive one. The difference in your situation (as it was in mine, too) is that you aren't losing much. Nothing but trouble actually. Drugs, police, physical and verbal abuse and uncertainty are not things that make life good...I'm sure you know that. My point is that I finally realized that I was more "used" to the situation than happy with it. I was "used" to seeing him each day. After that passed and I started rebuilding my self esteem and dressing up more I started seeing just how great it really felt to move on.

 

Trust me...You will, too. Someone once told me "The best revenge ever is to have a happy life." Nothing has been more true than that!

 

Hang in there!

Mandi

[Sympathy]

 

Dear Mandimay,

It is so good to hear from you again my friend. I still feel i am in hell emotionally but i noticed that unlike in the first week or two since he has given me the old heave ho i don't seem to be crying as much. I mean i used to break down at the drop of a hat and the tears would flow in torrents down my face. I think back then i was grieving for the man that i met in the beginning of the relationship.....a ghost if you will. In fact i realized that in the last year i was keeping company with a memory instead of the man who was before me.

 

My sister describes him as the walking dead....who's soul has long since departed this earth and all that remains is this empty hollowed shell of a man who continues his bleak existence. Before he was busted in May and as throughout his life in general he used drugs from A to Z especially cocaine pot and his first love heroin to deal with and remove himself emotionally from his f**ked up life. All his former girlfriends including his wife who died long ago all used drugs and so what kind of intimacy transpired in those artificial relationships. The last girlfriend he was with before me purposely O.D. on cocaine to the point her heart exploded.....they were to be married but i keep thinking how come that poor girl couldn't draw any comfort or stability from this man she was soon to marry to prevent such a tragedy.

 

His wife who was an addict and schizophrenic actually turned him into the cops for what i don't know but alerted them to the fact that he had guns and pot in their basement. That kicked off the start of his 10 year incarceration.....losing his newly born daughter to a step dad that raped her repeatedly from age 3 to 12.....she was later adopted and today is a beautiful 2 time Masters Degree recipient with a daughter and husband of her own.....she has long since turned her back on my ex bf because of all his drug dealings and had advised me to do the same.......i should of listened to her back then.

 

It still hurts to think that he might have dumped me for another woman....but either she has to be a drug addicted cretin or worse she is a nice girl as i was when i met him and doesn't know all that he has been up to and he isn't telling her anything except that he is on probation for a simple DUI. If it were you Mandimay and he told you he was on probation for drug possession reduced from the original charge of drug trafficking and that he was living with a heroin addicted drug dealer at the time of his bust but he had no dealings with the heroin that was being sold from there nor did he use.....WOULDN'T YOU FEEL A BIT SKEPTICAL AND QUESTION HIS INNOCENCE?

 

 

There is a part of me that still feels that he ain't completely drug free despite being on probation and that cancer babe he visits with the great opiate morphine type painkillers translates into something bad and somehow i had to be gotten out of the picture before i stumbled or hampered whatever is going down.

 

I feel like i have to move out of this state......maybe back to NYC where i am from originally....going there for Xmas as i usually do but New York City is very expensive and that whole 911 tragedy broke my heart.....i was up in those Trade Towers many times and to see Ground Zero......i don't want to re live that horror right now so i will stop

 

 

Now i have no one for the holidays to be with......and i will keep thinking who the old ex bf will be boinking for New Year' Eve

 

You are my rock Mandimay,

luv SYMPATHY