How have you seen the dumper react to being blocked on FB?

[lylat333]

I have another thread but this is a question I'm curious about and haven't seen any information on. I haven't heard from my ex in 27 days. I do still carry hope that it's just a matter of time until she misses me and sees the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

 

It would be less to think about if I were to just block her on FB, but I haven't because I feel that would come off as childish. I'm still on good terms with her mom, her sisters, her friends... I know I need to heal but I really don't want them to think negatively or poorly of me or see it as a sign of weakness that I can't handle seeing what's going on.

 

In your experience as the dumper/dumpee, how does the dumper feel about being blocked? Do they blow it off and perhaps even take it as an ego boost that they are having such an effect, or does it instill a sense of loss? Curious to hear from others.

[Emilia]

Well the whole idea of blocking them is that you don't know how they feel about it? I don't know how anyone ever felt of my defriending them (blocking hasn't been necessary ever) because I don't ask and they don't tell.

 

Don't worry about coming across 'childish'. Worrying about what other people think is less mature than doing the right thing.

[lylat333]

I see what you mean, but I thought that in the case of a down-the-road reconcile the dumpee would gain insight as to how the dumper felt. But it might be more likely to hear from a dumper's point of view who has experienced this.

 

Everyone seems to recommend blocking as a way to expedite healing. I get that, but I feel it's a matter of time until I find out anyway. I feel I would lose some dignity by being perceived as childish or weak.

[Emilia]

I see what you mean, but I thought that in the case of a down-the-road reconcile the dumpee would gain insight as to how the dumper felt. But it might be more likely to hear from a dumper's point of view who has experienced this.

 

Everyone seems to recommend blocking as a way to expedite healing. I get that, but I feel it's a matter of time until I find out anyway. I feel I would lose some dignity by being perceived as childish or weak.

I've been the dumper mainly and I can tell you that in the big scheme of things neither of us gave a shet about facebook. Certainly not when it came to 'dignity'. It should not feature in adult conversations a great deal.

[Insomnium]

I think you should just post some good stuff on facebook then leave it at that. Don't ever try to log on to see what they've been up to. If you block them while carrying that hope you will probably feel bad or some kind of regression. It's what you think how they'll feel make how you feel. So which way doesn't really matter, just choose the positive way. Staying away from fb for a long time will make you feel better.

PS: some photos of you having fun with friends is the nicest thing to post lol

[lylat333]

Thanks, Insomnium! Thankfully I have been doing just that, posting positive things ever since I last heard from her. Haven't shown an ounce of depression publicly, that I can say.

 

I put up one status the first week having a few drinks and some pizza with my cousin. (who she knows and likes) I put up a picture of me and a female cousin of mine embracing and smiling, she knows her, too. I put up a picture of a 5K I finished recently, and besides that I've put up many pictures of new parks and conservation areas I've been going to and have been getting a positive reception from that.

 

I don't think I will block her... in my situation I think it would come off as petty. I have pretty much stuck to a pact I made with myself not to check Facebook from 8:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m. during the week, I can't recommend that enough to a struggling dumpee to keep you functioning at work. I don't think or stress about FB at all during the day.

 

I don't mean to get too off-topic, but some experience I can share being the dumper in the past is that public signs of depression from the dumpee does not elicit guilt and a desire to get in touch from the dumper. The best revenge really is living well, even if you are faking it to make it. Otherwise the dumper will always feel they have the upper hand.

[Insomnium]

You are right. I've been there. I blocked my ex once, too. But I felt like **** afterward. That was an ego boost for my ex it seemed.

They will never try to get back to you until you forget them completely. They can surely feel it. Smile more and get through this tough time, it's not the end of the world. You are supposed to live happily with or without a woman right?

PS: My ex came back and told me she had been missing me all the time (after 6 months). Grass is not greener on the other side. Surprise? Lol.

[lylat333]

Thanks for sharing some of your story. I think it's so interesting how ex's seem to come back when they sense you're over them. I think it's based on the bond that the two people share... everyone's time table is different. I don't know how long it will be for me until I feel I am "truly" over my ex, but when the time comes she'll somehow know too based on all of the deciding factors like my personality, circumstances of the breakup, etc.

 

I feel my ex may be a prime candidate for a compromising rebound relationship. How long she would put up with it, I don't know. But, I could be wrong. When I dumped the girl I was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years and she got into a relationship only 2 months later, I didn't think it would last. I felt so confident that he wouldn't stack up to all that we shared. But, they are still together almost 2 years later. I became insanely jealous when she got into a relationship with him so in hindsight I was doing everything in my power to push them together. And I think he is actually a decent guy, and she's a smart girl and I'm happy for them now. I've changed a lot since then. If my current ex got into a relationship with someone else, doesn't matter who it is or how I feel about it, she wouldn't hear a peep from me and I would continue to move on if I haven't already. I also know that multiple exes of hers still contact her to this day, years later. No way I'm going to be in that pathetic boat.

 

I was really upset last night and this morning, but I'm slowly climbing back to leveling out. I can't believe I wanted to call her last night, what was I thinking? I know better now, though.

[jesse93]

Well personally the first thing I did when i got dumped was blocked her on facebook, blocked all her friends, I don't see how it could come off as "childish" this is your time to try and heal, and keeping your ex available in any way is giving yourself a chance to ruin the healing process, if someone truly wants to talk to you they will find a way to reach out to you. I'm not sure how she felt about it, I assume she didn't care much when i blocked her, but it shouldn't be something you're so worried about, people will understand if you blocked her and honestly you shouldn't worry about how she feels anymore, this about you and only you.

[MidwestUSA]

I would not think it childish, but completely normal to unfriend an ex, whether the dumper or the dumpee. How are you going to react when pics of her and a new BF pop up on your wall? Or are you still subscribed with your hope rising with each day that passes without that happening?

[lylat333]

It's not going to feel good if I see her with a new guy, but I expect it's just a matter of time.

 

I'm still friends with her and her family because I want to seem unaffected by it. I don't want to give my ex the pleasure of feeling I can't handle seeing what's going on in her life. I'm continuing to live my life, making it better than ever without her needing to be a part of it.

[hotpotato]

27 days? You'll be waiting a lot longer. She might miss you, she might not, but it takes longer especially with women.

 

Who cares what she thinks? You dont have to unfriend her, but you should block her statuses. On some level, she may like that you unfriend her. Sometimes people tend to like negative attention better than no attention. Otherwise you run the risk of statuses like "I'm so happy with this new guy" showing up in your news feed randomly.

[NomiMalone]

Don't concern yourself with what the dumper thinks. Block them. You'll feel much, much better I promise.

[J21]

I've been the dumper in a previous relationship and my ex gf blocked me on FB the very next day. I took no offense to it, instead I understood she needed to do what she needed to do to move on.

[sookie321]

Dear lylat333,

 

If I were you I would not block her. I'd rather put her in some acquintance folder so I wouldn't see what she does there all the time. Here is why:

 

1. It IS a bit childish;

 

2. Your common friends will notice it and that would give them the idea that things went really nasty between you two;

 

3. I agree with Insomnium, facebook can be one of the ways to make her think of you, miss you and see that you are able to have good time without her and are moving on. Just do not post too much, your general fb behaviour has to be similar because otherwise it is obvious that you do that on purpose.

 

What I try right now is rather not post anything myself, but let my friends do it and tag me there in pics or smth. I feel good since it's not on purpose and I don't even ask them do it.

 

But don't over do it, because you cannot miss someone that is in front of your nose all the time and it would be best that she knew nothing to the detail like who's really been there or where exactly have you been.

 

4. You never know how would she take the blocking. What if she feels she did the right thing because she will take it as a sign of weakness and immaturity?

 

I would not do it.

 

Good luck,

Sookie

[lylat333]

Unfortunately we didn't get to hear much from dumpers in this thread, but I do have an interesting update-

 

I blocked my ex on FB yesterday… one of the best decisions I've made since hearing from her. If anything I probably should have done it sooner.

 

It wasn't an easy decision, I put a lot of thought into it, but after weighing it all out I definitely feel it was the right decision and haven't regretted it since I did it about 24 hours ago.

 

For one thing, I came across this:

Researchers asked 464 people to answer questions about a past distressing breakup, including how much time had passed since the split, which partner initiated it, and how much contact they’ve had with their ex since calling it quits.

 

After crunching the data, researchers found that remaining friends on Facebook actually resulted in less desire, attraction, and longing for the ex.

 

And now I think it's more silly than ever to remain friends with an ex in general. Don't like the way they've been treating you? Think your ex needs to snap out of bad behavior and decisions? imo being a willing friend and waiting around is simply positive reinforcement for their bad behavior. Why would they feel they've made a huge mistake if they still hold such power over you?

 

Not to mention I actually have seen several instances on LS where the dumper gets upset and contacts the dumpee when they find out they've been unfriended/blocked.

 

Exes desire friendship because they would feel bad, probably even guilty if you erased yourself from your life. Now is the time to take control of your life and do just that - an action that definitively shows - "I don't need you in my life."

 

I also dreaded the possibility she may find someone and then toss me either for the sake of the new guy or because I can be discarded now after serving my purpose to stroke her ego and ease any guilt she may have as she transitions.

 

Most importantly - you heal. I no longer feel like a prisoner on Facebook having to think about how any iota of activity will be interpreted by my ex, her friends, or her family. I unfriended them all.. including my ex's sisters, her mom, and my ex was the only one I blocked so I will never have to worry about looking at her profile picture and she is in the dark as to what's going on in my life.

 

It all seems pretty obvious to me now, but it's only one day later. I was so worried about coming off as weak, but after having done it I feel empowered if anything. Trying to make things easy for your ex is probably the biggest trap there is. It depends on the circumstances… if you did things to hurt the dumper this may not work. But if you were a generally good couple but the dumper started to lose attraction and take advantage of you, then I feel all this applies.

 

I think this is a very important issue… for anyone who uses Facebook on a regular basis it can make or break your healing process! Fresh dumpees don't understand how important it is to do anything they can to start to regain their sanity. (it feels like it won't be returning) If I would have continued to check her page habitually, remained friends and continued to hope hope hope I would still be a wreck. I did not want to see her go, believe me… at first I was willing to go for broke and all I cared about was reconciling. I didn't think I would be able to love again! Slowly but surely my smile is returning, and the optimism I used to have long ago is slowly returning even though there's nothing promising on the horizon. I'm starting to find some joy in each day even though I don't have a romantic companion to share it with right now.

Edited September 10, 2013 by lylat333

[flight87]

facebook shouldnt matter IMO its facebook.. if you gotta do it to move on,, by all means do it.

[todreaminblue]

my ex asked em to add him so he could read poetry i had written on there....i said that would be weird.......and that his gf might not liek it and start to stalk me(she was jealous of me didnt liek anyoen to say my name....she would get very sour)...dont know why she was the one who had the affair with him not me...he chose her dotn understand the jealousy i should be jealous cant say i ever was......i was extremely hurt...... so its a nah to the ex.....he understood..and was gracious about it...it would be weird......i dont have his family on there.....again i speak to them on the phone i love them....it would still feel weird.....like i was travelling on two paths...i chose my own path........and left some things that are not belonging to me and him and his family i left behind when i moved..i do miss them wouldnt add them.............

 

 

my face book i think i started it after we broke up cant quite remember...but adding him is strangely never crossed my mind...my friends my life.....my new beginning...my girls have him on face book of course.,....we are friends by phone contact now...no facebook.....deb

[todreaminblue]

my ex asked em to add him so he could read poetry i had written on there....i said that would be weird.......and that his gf might not liek it and start to stalk me(she was jealous of me didnt liek anyoen to say my name....she would get very sour)...dont know why she was the one who had the affair with him not me...he chose her dotn understand the jealousy i should be jealous cant say i ever was......i was extremely hurt...... so its a nah to the ex.....he understood..and was gracious about it...it would be weird......i dont have his family on there.....again i speak to them on the phone i love them....it would still feel weird.....like i was travelling on two paths...i chose my own path........and left some things that are not belonging to me and him as a new start and his family i left behind when i moved..i do miss them wouldnt add them.............

 

 

my face book i think i started it after we broke up cant quite remember...but adding him is strangely never crossed my mind...my friends my life.....my new beginning...my girls have him on face book of course.,....we are friends by phone contact now...no facebook.....deb

[lylat333]

Good for you for not giving in and welcoming him back with open arms. If he had an affair with someone else I think you would be doing a big disservice to yourself to remain friends or even associate with him. Especially considering he's still with her.

 

I haven't been in contact with my ex for a while now and I have already been making peace with the fact I don't expect us to ever exchange again. I can't even know if she realizes she's been blocked yet. It's only been 2 days now but I'm very happy with my decision, better late than never. I got so sick of worrying about her even when we were together. I've had to deal with being in the dark and having no idea what's going on on her end and her holding all of the power.

 

It feels great to show her I don't want to associate with her anymore. I really don't like to see relationships as a power game but imo dumpers are often on an ego trip, especially when they've put the dumpee on the backburner to roast. Taking a stand and not putting up with it anymore isn't weak, frankly I hope and expect it to knock her down a few pegs.

 

She's been having a negative impact on my life and I'm happy to let her lie in the bed she's made for herself. No one is the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend and there are things I wish I could take back or do different but I know I loved and cared for her and gave it all I could. Bleak silence is not a pretty thing and not how I hoped things would end but I'm choosing what will bring happiness back into my life.

[thembones]

I blocked my ex (she was the dumper) after I found out that she was checking my page to see what I was upto. At first, I thought she would see it as immature, but I didn't care. We have talked since (this was 1 year ago) and she told me she was sad that she could not see what I was upto anymore and asked (slightly begged) for me to unblock her. Don't worry about getting her back at this point, just do WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!

[lylat333]

I blocked my ex (she was the dumper) after I found out that she was checking my page to see what I was upto. At first, I thought she would see it as immature, but I didn't care. We have talked since (this was 1 year ago) and she told me she was sad that she could not see what I was upto anymore and asked (slightly begged) for me to unblock her. Don't worry about getting her back at this point, just do WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!

 

I'll try not to take any false hope but thank you very much for sharing. At this point I can't even imagine how I would be functioning if I had never blocked her. I would have continued to get worse and would probably hardly function.

 

It can't feel good to be blocked on FB unless you really do not care about a person and have absolutely no interest in ever getting back together. In which case... you're not going to accomplish anything by remaining friends with them anyway.

[SmithJ]

When my ex broke up with me he blocked me immediately on facebook. I then deleted my account.

 

About 6 weeks later I got a text from him saying 'Been thinking about you, hope you're okay. You're unblocked from facebook now xx'

 

About 2 weeks later I bumped into him and he said 'Have you blocked me on facebook, I've searched for you and can't find you, I've even searched from my brothers account'

 

I put him out of his misery and told him I'd deactivated it. It was pretty funny though since he was the one that blocked me.

 

What an idiot.

[PR08]

I defriended an ex girlfriend years ago about a month after she dumped me when I finally woke up to the fact you have to cut them completely from your lives. I found out from a mutual friend that it was source of gossip amongst her friends, about how 'pathetic' I was being. Hmmm... so pathetic she immediately tried to add me again, and then kept trying pretty regularly to add me. That lasted on and off every couple of months for about a year before I blocked her for good.

[lylat333]

I found out from a mutual friend that it was source of gossip amongst her friends, about how 'pathetic' I was being. Hmmm... so pathetic she immediately tried to add me again, and then kept trying pretty regularly to add me. That lasted on and off every couple of months for about a year before I blocked her for good.

Wow. Thanks for sharing... I have no doubt I've been the subject of gossip and naturally assume I'm getting screwed by my ex's take on things. Last I knew my ex and her gfs started a weekly craft night. When I was still friends w/ her one of her friends commented on a status about their next meetup, "craft night: aka girl's gossp!" and my ex liked her comment.

 

Doesn't mean ****, though. People tend to protect themselves and their image, and if you are putting for a lot of effort to convince yourself how 'pathetic' someone else is, it's a facade that makes me feel better if anything... not the biggest believer in karma but those are the kind of antics and wrong-headed thinking that comes back to bite you in the *** someday. If there's one thing I feel totally solid about between my ex and I, it's how I treated her friends and family, they should know better.

 

Even though I don't ever expect us to get together again, I feel very confident the time will come when she misses her "pathetic" ex who was trying to mend a broken heart.

Edited September 16, 2013 by lylat333