Do I Stay or Do I Go?

[notsure660]

Hi all! I'm a ball of confusion, and I'm hoping for some good sound advice for my situation. Please don't judge me, and I'm going to be 100% honest about my situation which I am not proud of, by any means. Married when I was 19 and after only six months of dating, I thought I was well on my way of marital bliss. Nineteen years later, I'm questioning my position. Let me start out by saying that my husband is a great man. We have two children, he is a wonderful provider, great father, and has no major downfalls. The main subject that we have always argued about is sex. Our relationship was built on it. Three years into the marriage, and tired of arguing all the time, I told myself that I would be intimate with him even if I didn't want to. Huge mistake! I believe that has made me resent him. My friends have said he is quite controlling, and he does treat me like his third child. We were in counseling back in 2010, and things seemed to get better. More like, I got comfortable again. I reacquainted with someone from my past in that I was very good friends several years back. I confided in him, and ended up falling in love with him. He fulfills in me everything my husband hasn't foryyears. He had since left, saying that he doesn't want his selfishness to be the reason for our marriage breaking up. I miss him terribly. My husband and I are in counseling...again...but I just don't feel like my whole heart is in it. It's like I love him, but on not in love with him. When I try to tell him this, he breaks down, and them I feel guilty. I just want to be happy. I want both of us to be happy. I want the kids to be happy. They have noticed the fighting. I get conflicted feelings when people say, "a divorce will ruin your kids...a marriage is priceless...the grass isn't greener...what if you don't like being alone...what if you regret it...etc." I haven't felt as happy as I have in years talking to my acquaintance. I miss him terribly. I just wish everything was easy. My husband will not separate. He says it is against what is in the Bible. Guilt, guilt, guilt...another way of controlling. So, should I stay or should I go? That is my question.

[ShannonBanana]

Hi Notsure660

 

I had been in a similar situation, minus the other man. My husband - great guy, but controlling and our dynamic was very much parent-child. Which I found to be very degrading and ultimately I lost my 'in-love' feeling and my sexual desire. For years I had sex because he wanted to and I lost my self esteem as I think tends to happen when you lose your power.

 

I did reading on the Parent-child dynamic and from what I gather the sexual feelings are the first to go for the child, because who wants to have sex with their 'parent'? And that this unhealthy dynamic is certain to lead to divorce if not reconciled.

 

However, I think that it can be worked on and that it isn't too late for your marriage. I think you can find the flames again but it will be up to you to change the dynamic and start to get out from the unhealthy p/c dynamic soon.

 

I have read a book called - I Love But I Am Not In Love with You. It may be a good one for you to read. Certainly, you can do research on what I mentioned above as the book does not mention the p/c issue.

 

Personally, if it were me, and I am facing that divorce they say is inevitable with Parent-child, I would have tried harder to fix that problem first and then make the decision. I really think you can fall in love with your hubby again.

Edited August 22, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[RightThere]

First off, did you have an affair and does your husband know about it?

 

Second, I hope I can be the devil's advocate because I am in an almost identical situation, but I am your husband.

 

If you want to work it out for the already good things about your husband, and you are both working on the bad things (sex, controlling nature) then I think it is possible to fix things. You've already got some great qualities you value. The ones that are lacking can be learned and habits changed.

 

But be honest with him. As much as it may be an ego killer initially, let your husband know what you like in bed and I'm willing to bet he'll put in the effort. I know it's probably tough thinking "I don't want to train someone" but the alternative is you could go find someone great in bed, but severely lacking in the qualities your husband has.

 

I'm willing to bet your husband won't suffer from hurt feelings if you are honest about all of it. He may struggle to listen and make real change from it, but a good wake up call might help him.

 

Hopefully he doesn't suffer from the same problem I had with counselling initially. I went in thinking "There's nothing wrong with me. Just fix her." It was so unproductive and allowed my own bad habits to continue. If you thing that might be happening, make sure to bring it up in counselling because it is something that has to be address in order for you both to move forward.

[notsure660]

I was intimate with him. My husband does not kniw this, but knows I have been talking to him, and that I have developed very strong feelings. I miss him terribly. Feelings are the hardest things to control. My husband has said it is just me, but I had argued that if the foundation of our marriage was strong, why did this happen. He said he "changed" back in 2010, but we are back in the same boat. At what point do I say this isn't going to work? I hare to say it, but the thought of intimacy with him makes me uncomfortable.

[RightThere]

How long since it was broken off with the other man?

 

My advice is you need to come clean. On everything. You can't work on fixing something if everything isn't front and center.

 

My guess is that if your husband knows everything, it might snap him out of his complacency and get some real change happening. As for not being attracted to him right now, that is probably pretty normal. You're still attached to the other man. Probably looking at your husband with some guilt and not feeling attracted to him.

[notsure660]

He broke it off August 11. I texted him asking him to tell me it's over so I could have closure. I've since been told I don't need closure to move on and that men respond differently to breakups. It just hurts. I haven't been been attracted to my husband in an intimate way for years. I found in the other man the emotional side I was craving. It just so haooe end he filled other aspects too.

[RightThere]

Sorry to hear. Even though I am your husband in a much worse situation, I truly feel for you.

 

You're still feeling the pain because you haven't been able to grieve. And you are also carrying the burden of the secret. Your marriage hasn't improved, because you've been focused on a different one (not that your husband is blameless for the breakdown).

 

Come clean. With your marriage counselor, with your husband, and with yourself. Although things will probably get worse before they get better (if they do) you will still be able to mend the parts of your life. With your husband in it or not.

[health]

Hi all! I'm a ball of confusion, and I'm hoping for some good sound advice for my situation. Please don't judge me, and I'm going to be 100% honest about my situation which I am not proud of, by any means. Married when I was 19 and after only six months of dating, I thought I was well on my way of marital bliss. Nineteen years later, I'm questioning my position. Let me start out by saying that my husband is a great man. We have two children, he is a wonderful provider, great father, and has no major downfalls. The main subject that we have always argued about is sex. Our relationship was built on it. Three years into the marriage, and tired of arguing all the time, I told myself that I would be intimate with him even if I didn't want to. Huge mistake! I believe that has made me resent him. My friends have said he is quite controlling, and he does treat me like his third child. We were in counseling back in 2010, and things seemed to get better. More like, I got comfortable again. I reacquainted with someone from my past in that I was very good friends several years back. I confided in him, and ended up falling in love with him. He fulfills in me everything my husband hasn't foryyears. He had since left, saying that he doesn't want his selfishness to be the reason for our marriage breaking up. I miss him terribly. My husband and I are in counseling...again...but I just don't feel like my whole heart is in it. It's like I love him, but on not in love with him. When I try to tell him this, he breaks down, and them I feel guilty. I just want to be happy. I want both of us to be happy. I want the kids to be happy. They have noticed the fighting. I get conflicted feelings when people say, "a divorce will ruin your kids...a marriage is priceless...the grass isn't greener...what if you don't like being alone...what if you regret it...etc." I haven't felt as happy as I have in years talking to my acquaintance. I miss him terribly. I just wish everything was easy. My husband will not separate. He says it is against what is in the Bible. Guilt, guilt, guilt...another way of controlling. So, should I stay or should I go? That is my question.

 

I think you should leave him. Other then this other guy, what else in your life makes you happy? If not much else, then you should build a fuller life before going into a new relationship. Good luck.

[notsure660]

Thank you, so much, for your kind advice. I just want to be happy and not hurt anyone in the process. I know that's impossible. I haven't been happy for years. I'm hoping counseling works.

[RightThere]

I'm hoping counseling works.

 

It only works if you are working on what the real problems are. If you in the middle of a room cleaning up elephant s#!t and ignoring the elephant in the corner of the room, you're not going to fix the problem.

[If-I-Only-Knew]

Sounds like this marriage is doomed unless you can stop having feelings for your affair partner. It's hard to be totally in a marriage if you're missing and thinking about someone else. Counseling does not help since you're not really coming clean. I speak from experience so I know how you may be feeling right now. From just reading what you wrote, it sounds like you're in love with the other guy and although you love your husband, you're not in love with him. What do you think you want? Is your ideal situation to be with the other guy, and get a divorce from your husband? Is the other guy married?

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband has said it is just me, but I had argued that if the foundation of our marriage was strong, why did this happen.

Oh, you'd be surprised. Spend some time reading here and you'll see that infidelity and marital health aren't exclusive. Many spouses in good marriages cheat and are cheated on.

Let me start out by saying that my husband is a great man. We have two children, he is a wonderful provider, great father, and has no major downfalls.

I'm amazed at how quickly you gloss over this and how little importance you place on it. So if you leave your marriage for this other man, as long as he recites poetry and is great in the sack then it's OK if he lays on the couch all day drinking beer and yelling at your kids?

 

It's not your spouse's job to bring happiness to you like a delivered pizza. Happiness is found by appreciating your partner's strengths and working together to address your relationship's weaknesses. Tough to do when you're busy sneaking off to see someone else ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PoopHappens]

I'm on the husband side of a similar situation. I've known about my wife's involvement with another man from the start. Although I have tried many angles to saving my relationship I am quickly seeing the end. What I see from you is similar to my wife. A thousand people can say don't divorce, keep trying etc. which are followed by the line "I just want everybody to be happy" but if one person mentions to leave then it's a big thank you. I think that you had sex and fell in love with your friend. How you could possibly know who he really is because of this is beyond me. People decide on paths they want to take and no amount of thought will stop them. I do wish you the best in your decision. Be aware though that it may be your husband who makes the decision for you in the end and you just may not like it. Just because he says he doesn't want a divorce doesn't mean he will carry on with this forever.

[spirit71525]

I am in a similar situation. The loss of the other guy (who rejected me somewhat due to me being married) rightly so- has crushed my self esteem to a point. My husband and I recently separated and I've had no contact with the other guy for many months. It's difficult to think clearly at this point but I have to forget the other guy ever existed, and focus on my life's issues and myself. My marriage was unhappy for a long time before he ever came along. I believe many things in my marriage could have been solved with years of counseling, but unfortunately, I just never really felt completely physically attracted to my husband from the start, and that isn't ever going to change. That was where I settled and I regret it now because our marriage became sexless and we grew apart completely. Try to focus on your future, your own path, what it looks like and make peace with being alone and independent. If you can survive without a man, you will get to know yourself better and become stronger. Then one day you may be ready for a healthy relationship again with him or someone else.

[Steadfast]

I find it interesting all of these 'unhappy marriages' somehow continue along until wifey meets another man. Once he's in her heart the ejection of hubby moves to the completion stage using descriptions like 'never' and 'always'.

 

Nothing is worse than lying to yourself. There is no truth left in you.

[PoopHappens]

I find it interesting all of these 'unhappy marriages' somehow continue along until wifey meets another man. Once he's in her heart the ejection of hubby moves to the completion stage using descriptions like 'never' and 'always'.

 

Nothing is worse than lying to yourself. There is no truth left in you.

 

Other favorites I've heard include "if it wasn't him it would have been someone else". What does that honestly say? Or "I never wanted this" and the one that leaves me scratching my head "I'm sorry". Sorry is what you are when you accidentally trip someone or burn the roast. But when you are told a thousand times all the hurt you wrought before, during and after and could have stopped lying and cheating or at least lying then saying sorry doesn't cut it.

[Steadfast]

I haven't felt as happy as I have in years talking to my acquaintance. I miss him terribly. I just wish everything was easy. My husband will not separate. He says it is against what is in the Bible. Guilt, guilt, guilt...another way of controlling. So, should I stay or should I go? That is my question.

 

You are far beyond worrying about what the bible says, or what someone tells you it says. Marriages don't end at divorce, they end when one spouse closes off. Your marriage didn't end when you turned to the other man, it ended when you made the decision you wanted to turn to someone else.

 

You wish it was easy? It was, once. Back when you were single and dating. It was then that you should of had the presence of mind to choose your mate carefully. Long courtships are encouraged to allow couples to experience change and strife. To discover if time and challenges bring you closer together or push you farther apart. To know for sure that your thinking and attitudes are in harmony. It takes patience and willpower.

 

The damage is done. Like the health of the marriage, the time to worry about the children was before the affair; before you were drawn out of the marriage. You can't go back. You can't wash it off. There is no magic pill.

 

Divorce your husband and get your mind straight. Focus on regaining your dignity through selfless actions and concentrate on being the kind of mother and example your children need from this point forward. Make teaching respect and dignity to them your priority. Perhaps then you can investigate what the Word has to say about your standing with God. Start now. Grow up.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Steadfast

[notsure660]

Let me preface this by saying I really appreciate everyone's responses. To reiterate, the other man is gone. I am basing my decisions, at this point, on my unhappiness and whether or not to stay in a loveless marriage. To give you a little more background, as I feel that some are misunderstanding the "wifey," I made the decision 15 years ago to give my husband sex whether I wanted it or not. In other words, I was tired of fighting about it. Was that right? Absolutely not. My husband has gotten it every other night and, as of the last couple months, every night. If he asks and I say, "no," he pouts until I give in to keep the peace. When I asked him if he can't just take care of himself, I got the response, "why when I have you?" I'm tired of feeling like a blow up doll. He stormed out of counseling the other night because the counselor stated that a separation may be beneficial for space. My husband threw the keys at me, and said he was walking home. The counselor said that he is quite controlling, and asked if he is always that volatile. He also stated that is childish behavior is going to single handedly sabotage our marriage. I have never out myself first...ever. he has his hobbies (snowmobiling...not cheap) yet I can't spend $70 to get my hair highlighted. Work clothes...I buy once a year. Not to mention the "suicide thewats". I love those. But, "he doesnt need individual counseling, as he does not have a prolem."Now...is this "wifey" upset? You bet your butt. Is this "wifey" unhappy...yup. Is this "wifey" scared. Absolutely. This goes beyond another man. I still believe he helped to fill a void.

[2sunny]

I was intimate with him. My husband does not kniw this, but knows I have been talking to him, and that I have developed very strong feelings. I miss him terribly. Feelings are the hardest things to control. My husband has said it is just me, but I had argued that if the foundation of our marriage was strong, why did this happen. He said he "changed" back in 2010, but we are back in the same boat. At what point do I say this isn't going to work? I hare to say it, but the thought of intimacy with him makes me uncomfortable.

 

See, I think it's very telling that you gave this very long opening post - yet left out that you had sex with your other man. And you haven't been honest with your H - no wonder he thinks he needs to work on the M - stop lying to him.

 

The M hasn't changed - you have changed.

 

Your perspective has been altered and is completely off because you cheated and need to justify what has happened.

 

Divorce your H - force the D - he deserves a woman who loves and honors and respects him - that's not you.

 

You want closure from your prior OM - you got closure - it's over - that should have been enough and perfectly clear to you. But your skewed perspective is clouding your rational thoughts.

 

The void within you is for YOU to fix - no one can do that for you.

Edited September 2, 2013 by 2sunny

[Misfortune]

I find it interesting all of these 'unhappy marriages' somehow continue along until wifey meets another man. Once he's in her heart the ejection of hubby moves to the completion stage using descriptions like 'never' and 'always'.

 

Nothing is worse than lying to yourself. There is no truth left in you.

 

Other favorites I've heard include "if it wasn't him it would have been someone else". What does that honestly say? Or "I never wanted this" and the one that leaves me scratching my head "I'm sorry". Sorry is what you are when you accidentally trip someone or burn the roast. But when you are told a thousand times all the hurt you wrought before, during and after and could have stopped lying and cheating or at least lying then saying sorry doesn't cut it.

 

It's interesting to me also. They've been unhappy for years but never leave until they find/experience greener pastures. If you point it out, they'll give you the "....unhappy way before other person" speech. My question is: why not try to work on things or leave BEFORE you cheat/what not? Some people are afraid to be alone, but have no problems blindsiding others and leaving them to suffer alone once they've found their next "soulmate".

 

I wonder how this would've turned out had your "friend" not decided to leave", after he's gotten his fill of you, can't leave without that. All of these people will always fulfill your everything because you tell them everything. You bash your mate and tell that person all your likes/dislikes, so why would they not know exactly what buttons to push when you've given them the manual. If only people would communicate with their spouse the way they do with their greener pastures.....

 

I don't think your marriage will work unless you put real work into it. There are 3 strikes against it already: You saying you're unhappy and he's controlling, friends/therapist validating the things you say about him/your marriage and you experienced the best relationship killer; honeymoon stage feelings from another person. The 1st two together end relationships but it's usually under unhappy circumstances. The last one by itself, kills relationships whether they're fantastic or not.

 

I think you should go, your heart nor mind isn't in it which is basically being half way out. You're also only doing the counseling and such out of guilt. You want to be able to walk away guilt free by saying that you tried to make it work which isn't the case, since only your physical presence is in the marriage. You're worried about the naysayers, how people will view you if you divorce for "greener pastures" and potential "I told you so"s if things don't work out.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think that your counselor gave you sound advice in a controlled separation. What you are doing right now is not working, so you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect to get different results. The first thing that has to change is the parent-child relationship, this never works long term.

 

You have allowed this to go on for so long that he feels a sense of entitlement, no wonder you dread intimacy with him. Separation allows both parties to gain perspective and can be used as a vehicle to heal the relationship and not destroy it…..IF……both parties are will to work to fix the problems. I would suggest something like this:

 

1. Day 1-30 No contact except for child care and emergencies. Individual counseling for both of you, no MC as it is on pause for now.

2. Day 31-60 Family outings and fun dates, no sex, but intimacy is allowed. Continue counseling.

3. Day 61-90 Weekends together that include sex, but also levels of intimacy, no wham bam thank you maam events. Continue counseling, at the end of this period there should be a plan to move forward (reconcile, continue separation, divorce).

 

If you have not done so already, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. If he won’t do that, then write him a letter, if he refuses to read, then I think you have your answer and need to move forward with your life. To kill this parent-child relationship, you have to quit accepting the role and take charge of your life.

[vla1120]

Let me preface this by saying I really appreciate everyone's responses. To reiterate, the other man is gone. I am basing my decisions, at this point, on my unhappiness and whether or not to stay in a loveless marriage. To give you a little more background, as I feel that some are misunderstanding the "wifey," I made the decision 15 years ago to give my husband sex whether I wanted it or not. In other words, I was tired of fighting about it. Was that right? Absolutely not. My husband has gotten it every other night and, as of the last couple months, every night. If he asks and I say, "no," he pouts until I give in to keep the peace. When I asked him if he can't just take care of himself, I got the response, "why when I have you?" I'm tired of feeling like a blow up doll. He stormed out of counseling the other night because the counselor stated that a separation may be beneficial for space. My husband threw the keys at me, and said he was walking home. The counselor said that he is quite controlling, and asked if he is always that volatile. He also stated that is childish behavior is going to single handedly sabotage our marriage. I have never out myself first...ever. he has his hobbies (snowmobiling...not cheap) yet I can't spend $70 to get my hair highlighted. Work clothes...I buy once a year. Not to mention the "suicide thewats". I love those. But, "he doesnt need individual counseling, as he does not have a prolem."Now...is this "wifey" upset? You bet your butt. Is this "wifey" unhappy...yup. Is this "wifey" scared. Absolutely. This goes beyond another man. I still believe he helped to fill a void.

 

In many respects your marriage looks like mine did. The difference is that HE cheated with my best friend while I was pregnant with our youngest. I stayed "for the children". I stayed for 17 more years, being manipulated, lied to, verbally abused, and unappreciated, even though I was the main breadwinner and sole provider of health benefits, etc. Maybe his ego had more difficulty with that than I thought. We went to MC. His attitude was always the same. First visit - "Fix her and we'll be fine." And he'd bow out of the sessions.

 

You'll get NOWHERE in your marriage as long as that guy is on your mind (or more). How do I know? Within a week of me throwing in the towel after 32 years (17 yrs since the affair), he was back to seeing her again!! I wasted 17 years for NOTHING!! Exposed my daughters to this chaos and showed them how NOT to be married. I am a shell of my former self and am having to rebuild from the bottom up.

 

Either drop the guy for good both physically and mentally, or leave your marriage and go with him. But - in either case, have the guts and integrity to be completely HONEST with your husband about everything! You said he's a great man, provider, dad. He deserves to be treated like one.

[aliveagain]

First, be truthful to your husband, let him have full knowledge of your relationship with O/M. O/M filled a void in you and you filled a void in him unfortunately it often just ends up being sex, you were vulnerable and he took advantage of it. You can read that same scenario on this site over and over again. My guess is he realized you were making a decision to leave your husband for him and he got out of town because he doesn't want your baggage. Sorry for sounding harsh but he was in it for the sex not the kids. If this was an exit affair, finish it, tell your husband what you did and let it all conclude. You haven't posted a response to the question as to how long your affair went on for, it's only been over a couple of weeks. How do you get over one of the deadly sins if your quoting the Bible?

[notsure660]

The person I was involved with was a best friend of mine back in high school. We reconnected about nine months ago but had been talking regularly for about six months. He is gone for good. He tells me that I "did not lose a friend," yet he will not respond to text messages. His "breakup" email said that he loved and cared for me but that he was removing himself from the situation so that I could focus 100% on my husband. It's hard to focus, but I'm doing everything I can to forget about him. Having said that, I'm still fighting with the fact that I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. More than not, people say to "stick it out for the kids." Not sure I agree. I want my children to view a loving relationship in that bother parents are totally in it. Unfortunately, my heart is half gone. I find it unfair to stay in a relationship if I cannot reciprocate the love he has for me. I am going to continue counseling on an individual basis (as the counselor free the fiasco at the last session said we need individual before he will see us as a couple again). Thanks, again, to everyone whibhas offered advice. It means a lot when going through issues such as this. No one walks down that aisle thinking, "in 19 years, I'm gonna be in love with another man and on the brink of divorce." My husband has told me that my feelings will change and to give it time. I really don't know why he holds on. I'm such a hot mess these days. I just wish someone could make the magic decision for me. Unfortunately, I've yet to find that crystal ball.

[2sunny]

Tell your H you had sex with the OM.

 

The M can not heal when you hold onto deceiving your H with a big lie like this.