Author notsure660 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 First, be truthful to your husband, let him have full knowledge of your relationship with O/M. O/M filled a void in you and you filled a void in him unfortunately it often just ends up being sex, you were vulnerable and he took advantage of it. You can read that same scenario on this site over and over again. My guess is he realized you were making a decision to leave your husband for him and he got out of town because he doesn't want your baggage. Sorry for sounding harsh but he was in it for the sex not the kids. If this was an exit affair, finish it, tell your husband what you did and let it all conclude. You haven't posted a response to the question as to how long your affair went on for, it's only been over a couple of weeks. How do you get over one of the deadly sins if your quoting the Bible? I did not quote the Bible. My husband did. He says he will not give me a divorce because it is not biblical. I informed him that, yes, even Godly people get divorced. I talked yo the other man for several months before sex and have known him for 24 years having been best friends in high school. Unlike my husband who was a blind date and we had sex on the second date and married 6 months later. No, I wasn't pregnant. The whole foundation of our marriage has been sex. I can honestly say I believe it was more with the other man, and I would like to think that he respects and cares enough for me that he would leave so as not to sway my decision. No one wants to be the "one" who breaks up a marriage. Either way, he's gone...and I don't expect him to come back. I wish him the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notsure660 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Tell your H you had sex with the OM. The M can not heal when you hold onto deceiving your H with a big lie like this. After the counselor saw how he reacted in our last session at the suggestion of a separation, he advised against it. He witnessed "volatile" behavior and didn't like the control issues being exhibited. He already knows I am in love with the other man and that I have very strong feelings for him. How will me telling him I had sex help matters beside the fact it will only put salt in a wound and cause him to threaten suicide again. Edited September 3, 2013 by notsure660 typo Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Thank you, so much, for your kind advice. I just want to be happy and not hurt anyone in the process. I know that's impossible. I haven't been happy for years. I'm hoping counseling works. And who wants to be unhappy? I get that. Was there one time. Try the counseling and see where it goes. At best you will have no regrets by giving it your all. Good luck. Mea :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Thanks, again, to everyone whibhas offered advice. It means a lot when going through issues such as this. No one walks down that aisle thinking, "in 19 years, I'm gonna be in love with another man and on the brink of divorce." My husband has told me that my feelings will change and to give it time. I really don't know why he holds on. I'm such a hot mess these days. I just wish someone could make the magic decision for me. Unfortunately, I've yet to find that crystal ball. Just as you H has contributed his half to the downfall of your marriage through his actions and attitude, so have you with your emotional and physical infidelity. Either lay the truth - and I mean the whole truth - out on the table and work together to fix it or get out of Dodge. You do neither of you a favor with your moral one-upmanship where you see him as the bad guy. Plenty of damage done by both parties... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 After the counselor saw how he reacted in our last session at the suggestion of a separation, he advised against it. He witnessed "volatile" behavior and didn't like the control issues being exhibited. He already knows I am in love with the other man and that I have very strong feelings for him. How will me telling him I had sex help matters beside the fact it will only put salt in a wound and cause him to threaten suicide again. Then just divorce him since you don't intent to get honest, be respectful nor honor the M. Your H anger probably stems from you being un invested in the M and your lack of complete honesty. You're trying to "pretend" your way into saving the M - it will never work because you're not honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 If you feel that he will be violent, then it is even more imperative that you separate, but it changes how. Never ever stay out of fear or accept violence as a reason to stay. I don't know what you call that kind of relationship, but it is not a marriage. Your husband and the other man do agree on one thing (sort of) and that is to finish this relationship, before you start another. The relationship with the other man is a bit of a fantasy that you have created. Both of you are only seeing you at your best right now. You aren't cleaning houses, fixing meals, dealing with crying children, wanting things from each other, paying bills or any of the real things we do in life. He is right not to contact you, there is no way for him to compete with someone that is part of your affair fog. Finish one relationship before you start another. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Any updates? Have you two separated? Link to post Share on other sites
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