Husband does not stand up for me when it comes to his mom

[Daisy7]

So, my husband's mom is very dominant and manipulative. When she wants something she will do whatever it takes to get it. My husband believes everything she says and i do not get in the middle of it. She does not even do the effort to talk to me, lately my husband doesn't feel like talking to her every time she calls he does not answer or keeps it short. She then emails me to let me know to tell him to call her pretty much she uses me as her messenger or when she wants something.

 

anyway, lately she keeps emailing me like so " when are you going to get pregnant" I was blown away, first of all it is uncomfortable for her to tell me that in such a demanding uncomfortable manner. I love my husband and all but we do not want kids at the moment since we want to accomplish many things while we are young. I explained this to her and she ignored me, she then later emailed again saying, i hope he gets you pregnant, i hope he leaves you pregnant am like WTF to me that is so rude after telling her that i am not interested as i have career goals. Then yesterday again she said to me, Are you going to take long to get pregnant. WTF at this point i just want to slap her, she does not talk tome, care about me, and on top of that apparently am a machine for making babies. She does not care about me advancing my career and been successful or anything, she asks these to my husband but to me to tell me to get pregnant. This is not a cultural thing we are all american, she is just annoyed that her son does not even want to talk to her cause she is always dramatic trying to manipulate him.

 

If i tell my husband he just laughs it off like its some cute darn action. He never really takes his mom as responsible for anything when she very well knows exactly what she is doing.

 

At this point when she decides to contact me again, to use me to get to her son, i will just tell her you have our house and his cell phone number you want to talk to him call him directly.

 

How can i put this lady in place, i am not interested in getting pregnant any time soon and she is so rude and demanding me to get pregnant, she does not take me highly when am the same professional level as her son, she treats me like i am meant to just have kids wtf. She even told me that i have to have 2 children and they both have to be named after her and her son (my husband) am like left speechless. She is obviously out of her mind, i dont know who the hell she thinks she is. And my husband doesn't stop her, when she talks to him she acts all dramatic like. she is very dominant.

 

anyone? any thoughts? help

Edited August 22, 2013 by Daisy7

[Auguria]

How about you feign complete and utter profound ignorance?

I've heard it does wonders. People, eventually, get tired of asking questions to which a reply is never given.

[Daisy7]

How about you feign complete and utter profound ignorance?

I've heard it does wonders. People, eventually, get tired of asking questions to which a reply is never given.

 

 

Your right, i have decided to just ignore her, besides at the end of the day am the one who decides what i want to do with my life. I have been respectful to her and am sick of her treating me like dirt, i will respectfully just ignore her, and next time she brings up for me to get pregnant again and corners me if she does not stop, i will just respectfully tell her that i already told her my answer and that i do not feel comfortable been approached with this topic again as it is something that is of concern to my husband and myself only and not anyone else.

 

I guess sometimes been nice simply does not cut it, and frankly when she contacts me again to get a hold of my husband, i'll just tell her to call the house and or his cell phone to get in contact with him directly as i do not want to meddle. (my husband gets mad at me when i tell I'm, pick up your mom is calling, i can't force him if he doesn't want to talk to her i don't know what his mom expects me to do!)

 

I'll just leave things alone

[Daisy7]

Also, she just told my husband to take vacation so he can go visit them after my husband already one time bluntly told her that they are not going to see him any time soon because he is super busy with work. My husband has been saving his vacation days to spend it with me his wife to go on a trip since we have been saving to spend time together since we have been hard at work and we want to just relax. Since he didn't respond, she attacked me and told me that i need to tell him to take 3 weeks off for vacation. I told her that this is something she needs to discuss with him as i do not want to be involved and that is his decision to make as i can not force him. She got mad at me. Also, she emailed my husband that just because we are married it does not mean that he has to forget his responsibilities with his parents, that his parents are always top priority and that when she needs money he needs to send it as well because his parents will always be priority over anyone else (obviously she meant me to be under the anyone else category). My mother is not this way at all, i don't know if maybe its a jealousy thing? I told my husband the other how bad i felt that his mother for no reason disregarded my feelings and even hung up on me and it really did affect me and he just ignored it and said oh she doesn't mean it, she is just stressed out and blah blah blah.

 

So yea, am backing up maybe if he deals with her more often without a choice since she always uses me, maybe he will realize what a nut case she is.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Daisy7

[Mr. Lucky]

If i tell my husband he just laughs it off like its some cute darn action. He never really takes his mom as responsible for anything when she very well knows exactly what she is doing.

Why would you expect him to change? I'd guess he was a momma's boy when you met him, courted him, got engaged to him and married him.

 

Now you're expecting him to switch and begin taking your side ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Got it]

Sorry I feel your pain, my ex MIL was the same. You know the mom on "Everyone loves Raymond"? That was her to a T (looked alike as well).

 

It was a constant struggle to get him to stand up to his mom and while I guess I won some battles I eventually just dropped the rope. As an example of the craziness, one year I told my FIL about the plans for the holidays as I was going to host at my place. Apparently that sent her into a tizzy that I did not ask her directly and only said something to him. When my ex husband told her she was being ridiculous she blew up and refused to talk to him or acknowledge him for months through the holidays. He finally went to their house and broke down and she finally relented. I just stopped trying to get him to stop being a momma's boy.

 

The crazy thing, after we divorced and he ended up remarrying she has started this behavior with his new wife and is so much nicer to me. She nit picked the hell out of me when I was his romantic interest, but suddenly when that changed all the things she complained about she liked about me. And then she started power playing with the new wife, refusing to take down pictures of our wedding from her house. Just passive aggressive dumb stuff.

 

I have no idea how to tell you to make it better but I sympathize greatly.

 

I LOVE my second MIL! She is awesome and just a really great lady. And while my husband loves his mom and prioritizes her, there is none of the craziness. She is just a joy to be around.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

When you first get married, finding a comfortable rhythm with your families is one of the hardest things.

 

I get along great with my in laws now, but at first it was harder (not like what you are dealing with)

 

After several years of problems, my husband and I brokered a deal. He manages HIS parents and I manage mine. the answering of questions (or not) the calling, gifts, cards, etc. both sets of parents live far away and even visits are included.

 

Any participation by the non child spouse is voluntary.

 

This removed a huge strain from our lives.

 

What does this mean? If she calls you, emails you....don't answer. Forward all those to him. The agreement was he had to deal with it so I did not look bad. So he couldn't ignore a question sent to me. Eventually, he got better at just answering it before it was escalated to me.

 

There was never a falling out. I no longer have ANY resentment because its his to deal with, same on my side. We have good, but not close relationships.

 

Even the vacation, money or child thing...really is about their relationship and not yours.

 

Our motto

 

You handle your parents and I will handle mine. Works for us.

[Daisy7]

Any participation by the non child spouse is voluntary.

 

This removed a huge strain from our lives.

 

What does this mean? If she calls you, emails you....don't answer. Forward all those to him.

 

Our motto

 

You handle your parents and I will handle mine. Works for us.

 

She apparently emailed my husband talking so much nonesense because he refuses to go out of his way to talk to her so apparently she blamed everything on me and because we "are married". I have told my husband a gazillion times please call your family, please talk to her so she doesn't think its because of me, and realizes you dont talk to her because your just lazy. he just ignores my request and keeps moving on with his life, it will be a month and he has not spoken to his mother so obviously she already mentioned death to catch his attention and obviously he knows how she works so he just ignores her, he does not even check his emails, so its pretty useless when she emails him.

 

Anyway, i have to agree with you, he can deal with his family and i will deal with mine, i realized that the more i tried to connect with her comfort her, talk to her and give her attention, she just ends up resenting me more. This has become so that now my husband feels that he can leave me to handle his mother and am sick of been in the middle when he wont deal with her on his own it is really annoying.

 

Mr.Lucky, i understand he wont change, i just wish his mother stops blaming me for him been the way he is. Even before we married he was always lazy to call and never kissed her ass, now that we are married she feels is my fault he doesnt call when he has always been this way and nothing new he is lazy on this part to call. So when i tell my husband he doesn't handle his mother when she treats me unfairly.

 

 

anyways, thanks everyone, i do feel the best answer is to just avoid her, if she calls or emails am not going to respond its not like she cant call him directly anyway so i just want them to deal with each other, am staying out of this from now on.

[Daisy7]

Sorry I feel your pain, my ex MIL was the same. You know the mom on "Everyone loves Raymond"? That was her to a T (looked alike as well).

 

It was a constant struggle to get him to stand up to his mom and while I guess I won some battles I eventually just dropped the rope. As an example of the craziness, one year I told my FIL about the plans for the holidays as I was going to host at my place. Apparently that sent her into a tizzy that I did not ask her directly and only said something to him. When my ex husband told her she was being ridiculous she blew up and refused to talk to him or acknowledge him for months through the holidays. He finally went to their house and broke down and she finally relented. I just stopped trying to get him to stop being a momma's boy.

 

The crazy thing, after we divorced and he ended up remarrying she has started this behavior with his new wife and is so much nicer to me. She nit picked the hell out of me when I was his romantic interest, but suddenly when that changed all the things she complained about she liked about me. And then she started power playing with the new wife, refusing to take down pictures of our wedding from her house. Just passive aggressive dumb stuff.

 

I have no idea how to tell you to make it better but I sympathize greatly.

 

I LOVE my second MIL! She is awesome and just a really great lady. And while my husband loves his mom and prioritizes her, there is none of the craziness. She is just a joy to be around.

 

Aww i believe you, my mother in law is horrible, she even called one time and because my husband kept his conversation short because he was busy cooking some barbecue for me and him and she called right in the middle of that inappropriate time she told him "are you two having sex that you can't talk to me! Your not busy is saturday!"

 

I mean can you believe this woman! I feel like slapping her across the face she is rude! and my husband said nothing he just laughed it off as though she was just trying to be cute!!! he didnt stand up about it!!

[Nyla]

Aww i believe you, my mother in law is horrible, she even called one time and because my husband kept his conversation short because he was busy cooking some barbecue for me and him and she called right in the middle of that inappropriate time she told him "are you two having sex that you can't talk to me! Your not busy is saturday!"

 

I mean can you believe this woman! I feel like slapping her across the face she is rude! and my husband said nothing he just laughed it off as though she was just trying to be cute!!! he didnt stand up about it!!

 

That is pretty rude but your MIL's words made me laugh.

I would have simply made a joke such as "Yeah! We're just getting started! I'll call you afterwards."

 

It sounds like she is having a hard time letting go of her son.

[2sure]

Dear MIL,

 

You know how much I love hearing from you! I enjoy keeping each other up to date, and sharing family events with you. I know that it frustrates you that you cannot always reach H. and I agree he needs to reach out to you more even though work keeps him busy. You and I both agree, family comes first.

 

On that note, I have to tell you that H has told me he no longer will allow me to be the go between with the two of you. He becomes quite upset with both of us when you email me and then I nag him to contact you. So, we have to stop. Certainly , that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep bugging him yourself !

 

Also, and this is hard for me to tell you , but H and I have decided not to have children in the foreseeable future. In fact, H is insistant. It's just a decision we are going to put off even thinking about again for awhile. We are hoping to get our savings in order so that someday, it will be a possibility. We both must work too hard right now , pooling our family finances together, to consider a child.

 

Hope you talk to H soon!

 

Love, DIL

 

If your husband has no problem ignoring her, let him deal with it.

[Daisy7]

That is pretty rude but your MIL's words made me laugh.

I would have simply made a joke such as "Yeah! We're just getting started! I'll call you afterwards."

 

It sounds like she is having a hard time letting go of her son.

 

Nyla:

Those were her exact words no exaggeration there! Jeez! I was like wow, really? my husband laughed it off and said okay bye bye bye BYE! lol! I mean what does she want me to do force a phone in to my husband's ear, if he does not want to call his parents because he is just lazy it is not my fault, god have i tried many times telling him, please call, actually in fact today i told him to call and he just rudely told me i'll call later just stop it, so i refuse to be in a fight with my husband over his dramatic mother. I'll leave those two to it. Until then, i realized i care too much what she thinks, she can think whatever she wants thats her concern, i know i have my conscience clear that i have tried to help her and she still thinks i am the cause of the issue then thats her misfortune.

 

She always entrusted him to have responsibility of his parents, and now that i am his priority i guess it bothers her A LOT! but o well, i tried i even tried talking to her two days ago and she blew me off so bluntly as i said on my original post, so i said okay well have a lovely day and in my head am like (well you messed up cause am the only source you have to know how your son is doing and any other important information since he refuses to call you or talk to you in the first place so oh well no longer my problem lady!!) Am so done been nice!

 

P.S next time i feel like telling her, yea we are having intercourse didnt you want those grandchildren!!!!!! GRRRR!!! she really gets to me i swear!!

Edited August 23, 2013 by Daisy7

[Daisy7]

 

If your husband has no problem ignoring her, let him deal with it.

 

yea except he wants me to deal with his mother i even told him one time she was calling, "honey pick up it might be important", his response was " If it is important she will contact you if it is" Can you believe him! I just had to laugh because i couldn't dare speak ill of his mother in front of him! apparently i am the secretary in the middle of it all! He just know his mother will say nonsense to him and complain to him and apparently he does not want to hear this any longer.

Edited August 23, 2013 by Daisy7

[pink_sugar]

I can relate to your experience. I feel resentful towards my husband, because he feels as if he has to justify all our decisions and reveal all our personal business to relatives who have nothing to do with it. I've tried to tell him he needs to step up and draw the line...he doesn't have to justify anything to them.

[Nyla]

I can relate to your experience. I feel resentful towards my husband, because he feels as if he has to justify all our decisions and reveal all our personal business to relatives who have nothing to do with it. I've tried to tell him he needs to step up and draw the line...he doesn't have to justify anything to them.

 

I agree with this completely. Sorry that you are having this problem.

 

My husband and I both have mothers who don't really like us very much, so it has never been hard to be a united front when those old ladies get too unruly or nosy.

 

It can be much harder to set boundaries if a spouse is close to his/her parents.

[Nyla]

Nyla:

Those were her exact words no exaggeration there! Jeez! I was like wow, really? my husband laughed it off and said okay bye bye bye BYE! lol! I mean what does she want me to do force a phone in to my husband's ear, if he does not want to call his parents because he is just lazy it is not my fault, god have i tried many times telling him, please call, actually in fact today i told him to call and he just rudely told me i'll call later just stop it, so i refuse to be in a fight with my husband over his dramatic mother. I'll leave those two to it. Until then, i realized i care too much what she thinks, she can think whatever she wants thats her concern, i know i have my conscience clear that i have tried to help her and she still thinks i am the cause of the issue then thats her misfortune.

 

She always entrusted him to have responsibility of his parents, and now that i am his priority i guess it bothers her A LOT! but o well, i tried i even tried talking to her two days ago and she blew me off so bluntly as i said on my original post, so i said okay well have a lovely day and in my head am like (well you messed up cause am the only source you have to know how your son is doing and any other important information since he refuses to call you or talk to you in the first place so oh well no longer my problem lady!!) Am so done been nice!

 

P.S next time i feel like telling her, yea we are having intercourse didnt you want those grandchildren!!!!!! GRRRR!!! she really gets to me i swear!!

 

Maybe you should say exactly that. What is the worse that can happen?

 

My MIL is a very stiff upper lip woman. She rarely hugged my husband when he was growing up and never said "I love you." Consequently, she was very angry when she saw my husband kiss me when I met her. It wasn't even a passionate kiss.

 

We went to visit and I gave my husband a peck. My MIL snapped at us and I said "Ma, you have two kids. I'm sure you kissed before." She laughed and called me a little *****. Good times!

[pink_sugar]

I agree with this completely. Sorry that you are having this problem.

 

My husband and I both have mothers who don't really like us very much, so it has never been hard to be a united front when those old ladies get too unruly or nosy.

 

It can be much harder to set boundaries if a spouse is close to his/her parents.

 

 

Sorry to hear about that, Nyla. My husband's mom passed way earlier this spring, but they were never very close. However, she still tried to butt into things and take control. While he didn't mind telling her how it is, he usually avoids confrontation and has a passive personality when it comes to sticking up for himself generally. Since both of his parents have passed away, the drama is kept to a very minimum, but when there is drama with extended family, I wish he'd be more assertive and not feel the need to "explain" everything.

[Nyla]

When my mother tried to butt in, it was easy for me to tell her to lay off. When my MIL insulted me, my husband politely yet firmly told her to leave me alone. She screamed and complained but at least my MIL knew where her son stood.

 

My husband and I rarely mix with my extended family or his for that matter. My in laws live more then ten hours away by car, so that makes it a lot easier. I don't like many of the people in my extended family because they gossip too much and they like to criticize others when they are not living exemplary lives. I don't have time for that kind of drama and negativity.

[Daisy7]

pink sugar:

 

believe me can relate my husband for some reason he cant confront his mother to back off because she plays the "im a victim" card so he ends up feeling bad for her instead. Im so sick of it though, so lately i have been a little firm with his mother since he can't. So now she is becoming upset with me because she is not getting what she wants by her usual methods since well i already know how she works, its sad my husband does not realize her strategies by now is really frustrating. If she does something my husband just says she does not mean it like that your exaggerating when i know exactly what his mother is trying to do. When it comes to business he feels the need to explain everything to her which pisses me off because it is none of her concern! How much we spend, what we buy, what we do, by him telling her that it gives her more room to victimize her strategies of been extremely "needy".

 

Am just sick of her nonesense and am up to the point that the next time she confronts me i will make things really uncomfortable for her right back. She mentions another blunt comment am done playing nice i refuse to be a door mat. She does not even ask how am i doing or how is everything in email or anything its: are you going to take long to have kids, when are you having kids, once you have a daughter it has to be named after me. WTF if i hear another of this i will tell her no am not i dont have that kind of relationship with you that makes me want to name any child of mine after you. i dont care if she gets mad, my husband one time she mentioned the child naming infront of him, and she was like acting so sweet in front of him and he bought it but to me she is demanding "You have to" uhhh no i don't! GOd my husband does not seem to realize at this point how his mother works it pisses me off!!! Men sometimes are so blind to the obvious!

 

Nyla:

 

The best way to have peace is to keep relatives at as good distance, thankfully my MIL is thousands of miles away, yet that does not stop her from intervening! I swear i want to move as far from her as possible, and check this out my husband wants to buy a house near her I want to go crazy at this point, if i end up having her as my neighbor i will just shoot myself!

[Pastypop]

Read the book "Toxic Inlaws". It will put a lot things in perspective. Also, not to be a Debbie downer but, she will be a lot worse once you start having kids. She will go out of her way to make you feel stupid, incompetent and the worst mother ever. My MIL told my husband numerous times that children come first and the marriage no longer matters. My husband actually believed her and acted accordingly to her advice. Also, no matter how many times, you get blamed for something, always remember that you aren't the problem. They are just using you for a scapegoat. My MIL tried blaming me for missing her birthday party when in reality, she never told me when it was. If she can't communicate with me, that's her problem. Not mine. Also, look her marriage, she may be jealous.

[D-Lish]

My ex MIL IS the reason why I am now divorced. She was manipulative, and crazy when it came to my exH. He never, ever stood up for me when it came to his mother- in the end, she won.

 

I could write a book regarding the things she did to sabotage our marriage.

 

When my ex MIL called and didn't get an answer, she would call over and over again, then just show up and peer into our windows.

 

I am an honest believer that a guy with a mother like this won't ever change- it eventually becomes more about the girl he is with, and her tolerance level.