Was I too hasty?

[littlejaz]

I have recently gotten some flack from some people saying that I should have done more to work on my marriage before I filed for divorce. So I wanted to get some advice from people who are or have gone through this.

 

Dated for 5 years, been married almost 14 years when I filed. No children. First marriage for both of us at the age of 37.

 

From the beginning, my STBX left all decisions up to me. In his eyes he was doing me a favor letting me have my way about everything. But in my eyes, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, we should make decisions together, but he wouldn’t engage. No matter what the subject was his response was whatever you think is fine with me.

 

As time went on and I tried to press him on things, his ailments started. I would try to have a serious conversation with him and he would get a migraine and had to go lay down. Or his back would start hurting and he needed to take a pain pill and lay down. It got to where he spent the majority of the time we were together sleeping. He would wake up to cook dinner (at his insistence) and to have sex. The only time he ever wanted to go anywhere was when his family would get together, which was at least twice a month. I got along fine with my in-laws and enjoyed spending time with them and all his siblings and their kids. But after a while I became a bit resentful because when my family had something going on, he felt too bad to go or he would go and be miserable thereby making everyone else uncomfortable so we would leave early. It got so bad that my extended family stopped inviting us to family events.

 

I finally figured out that everything he did was to get sympathy, because if people feel sorry for you then they won’t call you on your bad behavior. When he started having problems with his co-workers he told me he had every right to have a bad attitude and treat them like dirt because he grew up without a father and his back hurt. And how dare they hold it against him. And then he wondered why no one at his job wanted to talk to him and why they didn’t invite him to lunch.

 

Anyway, he has been taking pain medication 24/7 for years now and claims that they don’t affect him. The only place he ever looks for a solution to a problem is in a pill bottle. When his therapist tried to show him how poorly he was treating his wife, he went to a psychiatrist and got on even more pills, so many that it began affecting his ability to do his job. He finally had to resign his position upon threat of termination. He fought it until they sent him a 1+ inch thick stack of the exhibits to be used in his termination hearing. Upon receiving these, he immediately resigned. Although to this day he still claims that everyone he worked with lied just to get him fired, He hid these from me until one of the attorneys that I interviewed told me to find them and make copies. I have to say I was in total shock when I read through them. He was at work throwing fits like a two year old. I was totally shocked that he kept his job as long as he had

 

After losing his job which was more than 50% of our income, he refused to discuss our finances. He continued spending money like nothing had happened. Then he discovered marital affair websites and started spending money joining them so he could find someone to have an affair with. So he was spending his days online begging strangers to have sex with him, his evenings online looking for a job and the weekends at his mother’s house. When I confronted him, he blamed me because I would not go to marriage counseling, didn’t matter that he had never brought that up before. So I went to one of his counseling sessions. He expected his therapist to tell me that even though I had caught him lying to me on multiple occasions, I should trust him, that I should just figure out our financial problems myself and that he should be able to spend his money any way he wanted, and that he was perfectly justified in having an affair because he needed someone to make him feel better about himself. And boy was he pissed when she did not take his side.

 

So that very night, after I went to bed, he gets back on those affair websites. The next night, Friday, when I confronted him about it. His response was how dare I bring that up. I was just being mean and hurtful and he started packing his bags to go to his mothers’. Well that was the last straw, I took his house key and his alarm remote off his keyring. He told me that he had another set of keys. I told him that he would not get into my house. Even though the house we were living in was mine free and clear before we got married, that was the first time I had referred to it as my house. After he left, I got on the computer to see what I could find. He had stayed signed into his email and these websites so I could see everything he had been doing. He was trying to make dates with these women telling them that he could get free on the weekends by telling the wife that he was going to his mother’s but he didn’t have to stay there, he could meet them for sex. He even went so far as to invite one of them to my house-told her she would have to be out by 4:30 so the wife wouldn’t catch them. Best I can tell, no one ever took him up on his offers.

 

He tried to come back to the house the following Monday but I had left a note on the front door that I had changed the alarm code. So he came to my work and said he couldn’t believe that I had done that. I told him I couldn’t believe a lot of what he had been doing. I did follow him to the house and let him get some more clothes. The whole time he was yelling at me and then asked when I was going to work on our marriage. I did not answer him because my lawyer had told me to keep my mouth shut until he was ready to file the paper work.

 

I left out that in 2008 he had blown up at work and verbally attacked one of his co-workers. When I got home that evening he was threatening to take a gun and shoot them all. I didn’t know what to do so I called his therapist and he made the same threats to her, so she told me that legally she had to do something, either he went to the hospital voluntarily or she would call the police. He spent a week in psych ward. When he left the house that Friday night, he took clothes, drugs and his 2 handguns. So I couldn’t help but wonder if was going to come back and shoot me.

 

So my question is, after all of this, was I wrong to file for the divorce? Should I have tried harder to work it out with someone who took no responsibility for their actions and blamed everything on me?

[RightThere]

So my question is, after all of this, was I wrong to file for the divorce? Should I have tried harder to work it out with someone who took no responsibility for their actions and blamed everything on me?

 

All I can say is, good for you.

[imtooconfused]

I have recently gotten some flack from some people saying that I should have done more to work on my marriage before I filed for divorce.

 

Anyone who gives you flack for doing what you did is not your friend, acquaintance or family member. They have divorced themselves from your reality. Ask them if they would be happier if your EX had followed through on his threats on you.

 

You did the right thing [CORRECTION] You did not get rid of him soon enough. Quite frankly if the therapist gave me the option of committal or jail, I would have chosen jail given the threats that he was spewing forth. You do have an OOP, correct?

 

Please feel confident in the choices that you made and don't second guess those choices.

[littlejaz]

Thank you imtooconfused. I knew I was right but it sure helps to hear others point of view.

 

It just amazes how these people justify their actions. He is the one who was lying, he is the one who was cheating or at least trying to, and now he has turned into a thief. He has spent our entire retirement. He seems to think since I filed for the divorce he can do anything he wants. Can't wait to hear how he explains it to the judge - 3 counts of contempt so far.

 

I have been very careful to check with my attorney before I do anything so that I have nothing to answer for when we get in front of the judge.

 

But hopefully he will decide to settle with me instead of going to court. Tomorrow is a hearing for his attorney to withdraw from his case. I think he has had it with him also.

 

And just like some others I have read about on here. He is on dating websites, claiming that he is honest as the day is long and has never betrayed anyone in his life. The one thing he has been truthful about so far is that he is still listed as separated. Of course, I found emails as far back as 2009 from match.com, so go figure.

[health]

 

So my question is, after all of this, was I wrong to file for the divorce? Should I have tried harder to work it out with someone who took no responsibility for their actions and blamed everything on me?

 

 

If your story is true, it's a good thing you left him. Marriages are the responsibility of two people though.

 

The thing is - the man you married seems completely unstable and not ready for relationships to begin with.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Damn, the horrors of pill addiction, yet again smh.

[littlejaz]

Yes my story is true. Several months after he left, I was packing up the rest of his stuff (he was content to let me store it until...) and under the bed I found a Psychological Evaluation done by his employer right before we started dating.

 

It states among other things:

Significant presenting problems were depressed mood, aggression, and poor self concept. He reportedly has problems with establishing and maintaining personal relationships with females. He tends to be very aggressive at work and often goes through periods of anger where he is mad at everything and everybody. He projected significant tenseness, a need to escape, defensiveness and suspiciousness, significant anxiety and hostility,significant insecurity, impaired reality contact and paranoid aggressiveness, and indecisivesness. He projected somewhat unusual thought patterns and eccentric and unpredictability traits. Antisocial behavior is possible and paranoid traits could be present.

 

Would have been nice if he had told me about this before we were married. He had just quit that job and started college when we started dating and now I realize that when he was feeling depressed or whatever, he would avoid me by claiming he had to study. He was very good at hiding his mood swings until after we were married.

 

Not sure I dodged the bullet as I did marry him and am finding it very difficult to divorce him since once again he won't engage. His idea of a 50/50 split is he gets all the assets and I get all the debt.

Edited August 22, 2013 by littlejaz

[imtooconfused]

Would have been nice if he had told me about this before we were married.

 

Perhaps you saw the signs but thought they would get better with you in his life, or that you could help "fix" his bad behavior? I only state this as a possibility so that you can recognize your own feelings in a future relationship.

 

My one fool-proof piece of advice is that one can never change a partner's bad behaviors, and in fact the behaviors one finds most annoying in a partner will most likely get worse over time, but never better.

[littlejaz]

Perhaps you saw the signs but thought they would get better with you in his life, or that you could help "fix" his bad behavior? I only state this as a possibility so that you can recognize your own feelings in a future relationship.

 

My one fool-proof piece of advice is that one can never change a partner's bad behaviors, and in fact the behaviors one finds most annoying in a partner will most likely get worse over time, but never better.

 

 

I agree with you, but I believe he was able to hide a lot of this while we were dating, but after we got married, it was like he thought it was my job to take care of him like a mother. He took no responsibility for anything in our marriage. It was always up to me. Hell he insisted on doing the cooking but I had to decide what he cooked.

 

My problem was I let it go on far too long. I should have gotten out long before but I had said those vows and I was determined to stick it out until the lying and cheating started. We had discussed that before marriage and he knew how I felt about it. I never have understood why it is so difficult to end one relationship before starting another. Except in his case, he wanted to continue the marriage because he thought I was going to pay all the bills while he sat on his duff and had affairs. I take that back he was looking for a job, but he was purposely looking for a second shift job so he would be at home while I was at work, thereby having his free time to serf the net for his next mistress.

[Oberfeldwebel]

littlejaz,

 

I know that you are too close to the fire to be completely objective, but I wish you could read this story as if it weren't you. While there is nothing funny about this story, it is somewhat amusing that you could even question yourself on this issue. The fact is you can't help those that refuse to help themselves. It is unfortunate that he has allowed himself to fall into this condition, but you can't let him take you down with him. In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, "you got to know when to hold'em, and know when to fold'em.

[littlejaz]

I know what you are saying. Several people were telling me that his addiction is a disease and I should have stayed and helped him through it. But you can't help someone who doesn't think they have a problem.

[cozycottagelg]

You can't help those who aren't willing to help themselves. Seems like you made the right choice to me.

[StellaChic]

I was married to an addict (I divorced him two years ago and that was THE best decision I've ever made). We were married for eleven years--I discovered his cocaine addiction 5 years prior to divorce. I don't believe that he was always an addict but looking back there were signs that I was too naive to understand...marijuana use, sexual promiscuity, depression and he even told me that he once sniffed aspirin in high school...SIGN. Anyway-his addiction manifest in other ways--sexually, gambling, as well as, cocaine use. I went through many out patient rehabs with him (supporting him). He always promised to get better and "the reason for addiction" was ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES FAULT". This "blame" is a sign that they are not nearly ready to admit their addiction and get better. Also, it is not your JOB to be a codependent and try to help him. HE cannot be helped--he must help himself. I left him--closed and paid off all credit cards and got sole custody of the kids. He was a prominent corporate america exec who is now in PRISON because of drug use. I'm so glad I'm away from him. Don't let him take you down with him. Move Forward and DONT LOOK BACK. It you don't want a tumultuous life with an addict KEEP MOVING. I blogged about my experience of finding out he was abusing drugs. ?Your Husband has a COCAINE problem? | Self Improvement for Women

[Mr. Lucky]

I have recently gotten some flack from some people saying that I should have done more to work on my marriage before I filed for divorce.

If you know in your heart what you did was right, why would you let the opinions of "some people" shake that belief? They weren't there 24/7 like you were and couldn't know what went on, immediately calling into question their motives for giving you "flack". None of their business and you shouldn't worry about explaining yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[health]

My bad for doubting if your story was true or not.

I just wanted to hear more of his side.

 

Honestly though, you've made the right decision.

He doesn't seem fit for a relationship at

all at this point. It's like he's buffetted with

problems. I actually feel bad for him

and hope he gets his act together. However, that's

his responsibility and people don't change much.

 

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you on the divorce.

Focus on healing yourself as effectively as possible.

 

Life is too short to deal with people like your ex-husband.

[littlejaz]

Thank you all for your support. It's weird how in the beginning of all this I was so strong, knew I was doing the right thing and now 1 1/2 years later-I start letting doubts in. Guess it is all part of the process.