Losing a good friend because of unrequited love SUCKS. Care to share experiences?

[desperategirl]

Hey,

 

Have posted many a post on this guy who was one of my closest friends, with whom I was, well, maybe not in love, but certainly very VERY much in 'like.' Maybe in love, I don't know.

 

Anyway, there was some reprocicity of feelings (we shared a kiss and a long awkward conversation about how it couldn't work as he lives abroad) but I still very much feel like I care more for him than the other way round. I have seen him once since the awkward chat, and things seemed to be segueing back into normal - for him at least. I feel pretty devastated over the whole thing.

 

Now I am strongly considering going NC - even telling him that I overestimated my ability to be just friends, and that it may be easier, given my feelings, to just stop the friendship for a while. The thought of doing this hurts very badly, but being his friend also hurts at the moment. I think that NC may help cut off the feelings of unrequited whatever, and help me get over him.

 

Any opinions on the situation? Or any similar stories to share? Would like to hear other people's experinces in similar situations.

 

Thanks.

[sunrise24]

You can check out my story for an extreme example of unrequited companionship (not just love).

 

On a side note, I wouldn't be surprised if I hold the LoveShack record for the longest first post.

 

The most painful part about my story is the woman's daughter, with whom I had formed a special bond; she would light up with every opportunity to play with me. Being with her brought out my inner child and taught me a lot about how to interact with children.

 

She will be 8 in October; as the months continue to pass, I still miss her and remember her vividly. I was hoping I would get to watch her grow up, but I've concluded that she will have to get used to life without me; that relationship didn't have a chance.

[desperategirl]

You can check out my story for an extreme example of unrequited companionship (not just love).

 

On a side note, I wouldn't be surprised if I hold the LoveShack record for the longest first post.

 

The most painful part about my story is the woman's daughter, with whom I had formed a special bond; she would light up with every opportunity to play with me. Being with her brought out my inner child and taught me a lot about how to interact with children.

 

She will be 8 in October; as the months continue to pass, I still miss her and remember her vividly. I was hoping I would get to watch her grow up, but I've concluded that she will have to get used to life without me; that relationship didn't have a chance.

 

thanks for your reply! I shall check out your story.

[WordvAction]

Cut off all contact about two years ago. In my mind I knew it was the right thing to do, but on an emotional level I was a mess. Kept thinking about what I could have done differently, dreamt about her, etc. Took me about a full year to just start getting over her, but eventually I got to that point. Looking back on it, I can see how wrong I was about her and how much I put her on a pedestal. Before, I thought she was the one; now she wouldn't even stand out to me.

 

It's a long, hard, and mind****ing process that will push you to the emotional brink. You just gotta force yourself to never respond to their messages, cry it out when you need to, force yourself into social situations, and vent about it when you need to.

 

I'd recommend going no contact since you're not really friends anyway, and the more you contact the more it will hurt later on.

[desperategirl]

Cut off all contact about two years ago. In my mind I knew it was the right thing to do, but on an emotional level I was a mess. Kept thinking about what I could have done differently, dreamt about her, etc. Took me about a full year to just start getting over her, but eventually I got to that point. Looking back on it, I can see how wrong I was about her and how much I put her on a pedestal. Before, I thought she was the one; now she wouldn't even stand out to me.

 

It's a long, hard, and mind****ing process that will push you to the emotional brink. You just gotta force yourself to never respond to their messages, cry it out when you need to, force yourself into social situations, and vent about it when you need to.

 

I'd recommend going no contact since you're not really friends anyway, and the more you contact the more it will hurt later on.

 

Thanks for your reply. Glad to hear you go tthrough it, sorry to hear it was such an arduous process. I always feel that hese difficult situations have to somehow benefit us people though, you know? If you sufer tht much, you must come out of it a more stronger person.

 

Curious as to why you think we're not friends anyway? We are very close friends, and have been for a while.

[WordvAction]

You may be friends, but it's not a healthy friendship. Look at your friendship with all of your platonic friends. Do they cause you pain to the point that you are thinking of going NC?

Consider what would happen if your Unrequited told you tomorrow that he found the perfect girl and was going to marry her and live happily ever after. Would you be happy for him, or heartbroken? Would you want to meet his wife, like most friends would?

 

That's what I meant when I said not friends. It may be a friendship, but when feelings are involved it turns into an unhealthy friendship

[mea_M]

Unrequited love does hurt. Its also a good indication the relationship can never just be a platonic one because one party feels a different way then the other. So, Best bet here, work through the emotions and let it go. Remaining friends is really not possible unless your feelings change to that of just pure friendship. Good luck.

 

Mea :-)

[DownNtOut]

Im going trought the same with an ex girlfriend who reckons 'friends is fine'

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/417705-exgirlfriend-any-insight

 

check my post.

 

after a month of no contact she textsme to say she will be at the same music

festival as me. i dunno why she text me. since i told her how i feel and was rejected i wanted her to not contact me again.

[Desert-tiger]

My situation bears some resemblance to yours. I am currently in the middle and experiencing this and I just feel so worthless, unwanted, and humiliated right now. I have recently got a new job (6 months ago) and started to develop an attraction towards a co-worker. Believe me, I am a pretty balanced person and told myself this is something normal that people go through and that it is okay to feel these emotions because we’re humans after all. I rationalized that true love requires a level of trust and intimacy between two people and that it is not a one way street, I told myself you just have a simple crush and it is the same as being in love with an idea. Well, time passed and I got to know her more and we developed great chemistry with one another and eventually became friends. Looking back it was strictly that, we were just friends. She didn’t try to string me along or anything, she was nice. But I wanted it to become something more so me being me sent her a letter letting her know of my feelings for her. She replied telling me that she does not feel the same and it hurts. I fear that I may have damaged the friendship somehow. For a while there was some deliberation on my part to avoid any contact with her as I just feel ashamed, broken and embarrassed at myself for opening my heart to someone only to be found not worthy. She contacted me and told me she does not want to lose my friendship. And at this point in my life I realized and begin to question myself if I am rotten deep down inside for feeling that I cannot do that but at the same time I feel this is something to not lose a friendship over. My mind is just screaming right now.

 

There are so many conflicting emotions right now. How can I stay to be friends when I have this feelings and emotions inside? The most painful love is unrequited love because it stabs us in the front and not the back, and we have to deal with the anxiety of watching it all happen without being able to control it.

 

I know over time these feelings would subside and I would get over it but right now I am an emotional wreck.

[WordvAction]

For a while there was some deliberation on my part to avoid any contact with her as I just feel ashamed, broken and embarrassed at myself for opening my heart to someone only to be found not worthy. She contacted me and told me she does not want to lose my friendship. And at this point in my life I realized and begin to question myself if I am rotten deep down inside for feeling that I cannot do that but at the same time I feel this is something to not lose a friendship over. My mind is just screaming right now.

 

This first statement is what disappoints me the most to see, and was a problem I dealt with myself too. You weren't worthy? Really? Is she some queen that your trying to prove your worth to? Or is she just another living, breathing, person like you and me. If she doesn't see what YOU have to offer than its her loss, not you being "unworthy".

 

Next, you say that this is not somethin to lose a friendship over; yet a few sentences later, you say this is one of the most emotionally painful things you can endure. That kind of seems contradictory to me; if someone is constantly hurting you, regardless of intention, wouldn't you want to get rid of someone who was injurious to your mental well being? At least get some space.

 

At the end of the day, in my experience, unrequited is more of us becoming so infatuated with someone that we lose out sense of self worth, investing all of it in this unrequited's love/approval. This is just an unhealthy way to have a relationship to begin with, but again, I'm pretty young and may have no idea what I'm talking about

[tart6245]

Cut off contact. It sucks, but if its obvious its never going to be what you want it to be and that's not okay with you, you'll save yourself future heartache by leaving the friendship.

 

I realized I apparently wasn't okay with my FWB having other partners and got angry, and I'm a little hurt too, and I know I need to kill it before it stresses me even more.

 

If you don't, your friend will just use you and you'll feel worthless hanging around someone who's also wanting to pursue other guys in the process. It's really a terrible feeling.

[Desert-tiger]

This first statement is what disappoints me the most to see, and was a problem I dealt with myself too. You weren't worthy? Really? Is she some queen that your trying to prove your worth to? Or is she just another living, breathing, person like you and me. If she doesn't see what YOU have to offer than its her loss, not you being "unworthy".

 

Thanks for your insight. I agree with your assessment and it is a disappointing attitude of mine to have. But I would be lying to myself if I don’t admit feeling this way because as much as I try not to feel this way, it’s just the way it feels, the whole situation and everything. It sucks and I know it. However, if I just think rationally and logically about the matter, I see that my attitude regarding the situation is irrational and illogical because you are right, as you say, she is just another person like you and me. In fact, I have thought about this a lot and try to see it from the perspective of the other person. I understand that sometimes people just do not like you, and from a neutral philosophical standpoint I am fine with that. Because, I just have to look at myself and see how I see other people, some I like and grow to love and others it does not blossom at all. It’s just that…, that is very easy to say and in practice our feelings and what we think inside sometimes seldom coincide. We do get hurt because as much as I like to think it’s just another person, deep down inside we want to be accepted by the person we like, to feel the same way we do.

 

Next, you say that this is not somethin to lose a friendship over; yet a few sentences later, you say this is one of the most emotionally painful things you can endure. That kind of seems contradictory to me; if someone is constantly hurting you, regardless of intention, wouldn't you want to get rid of someone who was injurious to your mental well being? At least get some space.

 

At the end of the day, in my experience, unrequited is more of us becoming so infatuated with someone that we lose out sense of self worth, investing all of it in this unrequited's love/approval. This is just an unhealthy way to have a relationship to begin with, but again, I'm pretty young and may have no idea what I'm talking about

 

Yea I am a little contradictory here but this is exactly how I feel about it . I have grown to care about her, to be there when she needed help, to standby and just be a friend. And I have those feelings for her but I also developed some romantic feelings in her over time and that is complicating the whole situation. Sometimes I really wish I could just disconnect myself from these emotions but I can’t. I have thought about this a lot and I am still trying to figure it out, but I don’t think feelings of friendship automatically disappear just because you developed some romantic feelings. I feel that it is still there. And what hurts the most and I realized this now is, I know right now I am going to lose this friendship while still feeling these feelings. The time I spent with her was very real and these emotions I have cultivated is very real and I feel them but that was then. The dynamics have changed now (it may have started to change when I started to developed these feelings) but certainly not the same as before, especially when I still have these feelings.

 

But I have to move on and I pray that time be kind to me.

[WordvAction]

Thanks for your insight. I agree with your assessment and it is a disappointing attitude of mine to have. But I would be lying to myself if I don’t admit feeling this way because as much as I try not to feel this way, it’s just the way it feels, the whole situation and everything. It sucks and I know it. However, if I just think rationally and logically about the matter, I see that my attitude regarding the situation is irrational and illogical because you are right, as you say, she is just another person like you and me. In fact, I have thought about this a lot and try to see it from the perspective of the other person. I understand that sometimes people just do not like you, and from a neutral philosophical standpoint I am fine with that. Because, I just have to look at myself and see how I see other people, some I like and grow to love and others it does not blossom at all. It’s just that…, that is very easy to say and in practice our feelings and what we think inside sometimes seldom coincide. We do get hurt because as much as I like to think it’s just another person, deep down inside we want to be accepted by the person we like, to feel the same way we do.

 

 

 

Yea I am a little contradictory here but this is exactly how I feel about it . I have grown to care about her, to be there when she needed help, to standby and just be a friend. And I have those feelings for her but I also developed some romantic feelings in her over time and that is complicating the whole situation. Sometimes I really wish I could just disconnect myself from these emotions but I can’t. I have thought about this a lot and I am still trying to figure it out, but I don’t think feelings of friendship automatically disappear just because you developed some romantic feelings. I feel that it is still there. And what hurts the most and I realized this now is, I know right now I am going to lose this friendship while still feeling these feelings. The time I spent with her was very real and these emotions I have cultivated is very real and I feel them but that was then. The dynamics have changed now (it may have started to change when I started to developed these feelings) but certainly not the same as before, especially when I still have these feelings.

 

But I have to move on and I pray that time be kind to me.

 

 

I must say, that was some very impressive self-analysis. If you don't mind me asking, what's your next mode of action?

[Desert-tiger]

I must say, that was some very impressive self-analysis. If you don't mind me asking, what's your next mode of action?

 

Right now I am just trying to do the things I did before. I don’t think there really is a set plan or packaged plan that helps you forget, I think, at least for me, you just try to live your life day by day again, until you moved on. I have been immersing my life in work lately, although, I have been thinking of igniting my passion to play the violin again. Having no contact with her isn’t really a feasible option for me as I work with her. However, I am following what you have said about getting some space. And she and I agreed that this is the best course of action. It’s just that now I know she isn't into me in a romantic type of way. And I accept that. I mean the truth hurts but it sets you free in some small way. And I think she is mature enough to understand and respect my feelings on this matter.

 

But yea, day by day of doing things again, eventually becoming normal and routine, and then moving on. So for now, time will be my companion. As far as the future goes, I really don't know what is going to happen but I know and feel this much from her - I know she is going to be there as a friend when I need it. I hope one day, I could return this to her.