if you've been broken up with / broken hearted

[conf]

Dude, the matter is not personal. In no way i intended to critisize/judge you. I want to apologize if you took it for that.

 

My point is that second chances dont work because rarely the problems of the relationship are solved. In addition, even in gigs cases there are issues in the relationship. It is not only he hunger for something new or the need to mature.

[barky2]

People get back together all the time.

 

Second chances work and last all the time.

 

The thing is, most people when are broken up with, don't look at everything from a outsiders pov.

 

Instead they do anything in their power to get back to what they know.

 

If there are issues they have to be dealt with.

 

Compatibility cannot be fixed.

 

What we once were, and what we turned into, are two different things.

 

There is other people out there, there's more compatible people out there.

 

I fought till I had nothing left to get us back together and happy, I fought and was broken and been beat to a pulp.

 

I finally let go, and truly moved on.

 

Once she came back, I was happy, over the moon.

 

But the nitpicking, non trust, fighting , words just threw us back to once where we were....and that's when I realized we needed some serious time apart.

 

But I was not going to put my life on hold waiting.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Mr me to]

It's helped me reading through this thread, just realising there's plenty of otherwise normal people that have faced or are facing the same devastation following a break up as me. Truth is I'm scared of facing life alone , It's been so long and I gave everything up for my family. Now that's gone I'm a empty shell. The thought of having to develop new relationships scares me and I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. My ex is consuming every part of my being at the moment. I'm so lost and boring that I feel I have nothing left to offer anyone.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/448699-sabotaged-my-self-deep-deep-pain

[headinthecloud]

Congratulations, Barky!!! Thrilled for you and your GF...very exciting. You will be an amazing papa.

 

And thanks for sharing your story, I didn't realize that your long term exgf and you did not work out in the end. Knowing that you found a greater love in the aftermath of a BU is simply amazing and gives me more faith in what will be. Letting go is hard but choosing to truly live is what I find to be the key to my recovery. You are a beacon of hope and inspiration. Congrats again!

[smitty080]

Bookmark this page read it every morning and when you feel low just keep moving though it all. I'm no were out of the woods yet but this is defiantly the morning read to keep the positive juices flowing

[barky2]

Thank you for the wishes.

 

Yea but it goes to show you, once you move on they want you back.

 

I was where every single one of us wanted to be, them to be begging for us back.

 

And I did, I took her back.

 

The thing is, I was there 100% fighting for us after the reconciliation, she fell back into the same thing.

 

Once you guys become strong, realize what you deserve, you won't settle.

 

I got the chance to have her back, many times.

 

She got the chance to get me back, many times.

 

We got back together many times.

 

The thing is, I knew what I wanted, what I deserved.

 

I woulda been happy to fight for us,till the day I died.

 

But the fact that I grew up, and she was still a child , I couldn't deal with.

 

Mind you we dated from 15-25...

 

I felt like I was acting her at 15...

 

My story should be summed up like this, and I want everyone to end it on this

 

 

She left, I chased. I got her back, I left. I chased after realizing I wanted her,she wanted no part..for a year I tried to get us back, I gave up. She was with someone else. I was single, I traveled, grew,dated. She came back when I least expected it. I took the bait, I was unhappy. I found with my now new girlfriend,what I was looking for. She's now with someone else, as am I. The thing is, and I want to instill in everyone's head, I got my ex back. I did it, but at the end Of the day I wasn't happy, I was happier with someone else. I love someone else more than I loved her. I realized what I DESERVED!

 

And I got it.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[laddie]

Great to see you've found happiness and also becoming a father.

Hope everything goes well. Good luck!

[mantlefan]

I love the "stream of consciousness" feel to this. It's a good way to read all this truth when so many times you are not in the mood for organized paragraphs because you aren't thinking in paragraphs, you are thinking in waves of confusion, hate, undying love, sadness, euphoria...

[earthandtheworld]

Hey Barky, so nice of you to help everyone out like this, im sure hundreds of us appreicate it.

 

im making huge progress and my goal is to be completely over my break up as soon as possible. im asking this question not just about getting my ex to come back but more just about everything you speak of. i somewhat begged for 2 months, i gave space sometimes but at other times definitely came off as desperate. has that ruined every chance i have of either coming out of this well or getting my ex to come back? (hopefully id say no regardless)

 

thanks again barky dude

[barky2]

Once again it doesn't matter earth.

 

It doesn't matter if u begged.

 

Didn't matter if u walked away silently....IMO.

 

I'm a advocate of tell them how you feel, leave the ball in their court, walk away and begin your new life.

 

So no, you didn't do wrong.

 

You did, what you did.

 

Nothing can change any sort of outcome.

 

It's simply unchangeable.

 

Fastest way to get over it?

 

Do not contact.

 

Grieve, go thru the necessary steps of a break up, do something everyday to make you happy, date, have fun.

 

Just find your happiness.

 

Some find it in activities.

 

Some find it in partying.

 

Some find it in volunteering.

 

I found it in partying,traveling, and being single, in every aspect of the word.

 

I came out a better person then I went into the relationship as.

 

What I learned post breakup, made me who I am today.

 

And the same will go for you. There's no flick of a light switch, it takes time and effort.

 

But if you put in the work, you'll be greatly rewarded.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Juha]

Barky, love the thread. Can you give an opinion on this. thanks

 

never got a reason for break up. Assuming gigs for her and my anxiety being needy pushing her away. that is not me at all. She did not know how much pain I was in and I would freak out on her for no reason sometimes. I was hurting so much.

 

She leaves for a new school two hours away, first time away from home.

I was still messed up at first. Finally went to see my therapist who helped before.. Finally tell her I am getting help and will be myself, no more freak outs she breaks up with me, never gave any reason. We never talked and still have not to this day. She just ran away. I went NC right away for a month then get a late night call from her and answer.

 

She called one night and told me were never getting back together, does not want to be with me ever again. Then says she misses me and the guys are not as good as me and wanted me there right now. This was a month after the break up.

 

She comes home and contacts a little more. try to get together and she goes off on me about were never getting back together there is no reason to spend any time together, etc. she initiated some contact and to trade our things. She was also angry at me about fb and seeing me, my family, and friend. I got angry back at her, should not have and told her off. she unfriended me, I did not care. I never looked at her page either. She has been angry, cold, unemotional, distant, just all over the place since break up

 

She has just been awful and all over the place. there is other stuff but I already posted. I am going nc even if she contacts unless it is something worth while. It's been two weeks since we text and I was a little weak in the last couple of contacts. I got soft was too available and talked too much I'm pissed at myself for it.

 

I have been moving on, could be why she was angry at my fb and did not want to see it anymore. I am not totally moved on but this contact has set me back a little as she is dong bread crumbs it now seems. Wanted to talk, said I was open to it and never got back about it.

 

I have been out and about a lot and getting better. I love her to death and would do anything for her but the caring is just about gone.

 

We really are great together but circumstances have torn us apart it seems.

 

Seems she is trying to move on or hates me who knows. We never talked about anything that went on.

 

Did I blow it? Will she come back with everything that went on or is she done totally?

[barky2]

Sounds like she wanted to be free so she could go to school single.

 

It's quite common, not that it hurts any less.

 

So you guys are now still 2 hours away from each other?

 

Itll never work, you'll end up getting hurt.

 

She's feeding you breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook.

 

That's it.

 

IMHO, This relationship won't for for a few years, or until she moves home.

 

There's already a incredible amount of stress on the relationship, because she's gone 2 hours away, and now you can't trust her 100%

 

Don't say u can trust her fully.

 

You'd constantly be wondering where and who's she's with.

 

Your anxiety will flair up, and You'll bug out...and be right back to where you started.

 

Take some time for yourself to get healthy again.

 

And to answer your last question, as I told the previous poster, and stated in my original post, NOTHING you do can mess up, or make better right now.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Juha]

Thanks Barky, I pretty much knew that. Yes she is 2 hours away but when she was home for break she wanted nothing to do with me. She was angry, cold, distant. Said friends only and there is no reason for us to ever spend any time together. Does not want to go back to how the relationship was, etc.

 

See we talked about things before she went away and it seems like she forgot about that. We said that she needs to live her life there and I need to live my life here and what ever happens happens.

 

She unfriended me on fb and she is the dumper. Seems like she wants to get over me, I guess.

 

If she texts/calls guess I'll just have to ignore her...That is what you say needs to be done.

[barky2]

For now, this relationship would be toxic.

 

You're obviously still young and you never know what can happen.

 

It could be a lot worse.

 

Chalk it up as it is what it is, and get back out there and start dating again.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Juha]

For now, this relationship would be toxic.

 

You're obviously still young and you never know what can happen.

 

It could be a lot worse.

 

Chalk it up as it is what it is, and get back out there and start dating again.

 

Barky

 

What's messed up is she wanted to keep something between us and would make it work before she left.

 

First two weeks were normal then she did a 180 and went distant, cold, angry and has been ever since. Shows no interest in me or my life and does not talk about anything to do with her life. So her wanting to be friends is not real obviously.

Thing is before she went away her friends were pushing to get rid of me. They did this for months and she did not want to.

Guess she changed her mind and listened to them.

 

I am pretty sure she still loves me and has strong feelings even though she has been acting differently.

Thing is I don't understand why she is angry towards me. The cold and distant she is doing to make things easier, I guess.

The other thing was her feelings for me and she was not all that comfortable with them being so strong for me. She did not know what to do with them. Those were her words to me more than once in the months before she went away.

 

Also when we exchanged our things she said she was uncomfortable. Don't get why. Any insight to the anger and being uncomfortable?

 

Things could have been ok like we talked about but I guess feelings got in the way. I would have been ok with what we both agreed on about living our lives where we were, doing what we wanted and whatever happened happened. I would not be thinking about who she was with. I don't own her.

 

I have been moving on and taking care of me. It sucks to lose someone like this from your life but it's all her. Nothing I can do.

So time to ignore her and go NC I guess...

 

thanks Barky

Edited January 7, 2014 by Juha

[gem29]

Barky,

 

Thank you so much for this thread, I think it's given me the strength to go fully NC.

 

My story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/454012-first-relationship-ended-thought-i-getting-better-but-now-have-gotten-worse/new-post.html

 

Even though I still miss him, I know I need to go NC. If he truly wants me in his life, then he'll contact me when he's ready. If not, it's his loss and hopefully I'll be over him!

I think it just hurt especially because he was my first relationship and I know he still liked me when he ended things, but now it feels like he couldn't care less.

 

But thank you again, I feel like your words just spoke to me and maintaining NC is going to be like a challenge against him and hopefully in that time I will heal.

[barky2]

My pleasure ,Gem.

 

Everyday is hard, there's no doubt.

 

There will be many many days in which you'll have a doubt " oh if I just say this" or " if I reach out today..." But you have to stay strong, because no matter what you say or do, right now, there is no changing anything.

 

It's your first relationship?

 

The first of many.

 

And I'm almost certain one day you'll be in the same position because of another breakup, so what you learn now, and how to handle yourself, is knowledge for the rest of your life.

 

Stay strong, keep posting instead of contacting him.

 

After awhile you won't know how long you've been nc , you'll be numb and right about over it.

 

 

 

Barky

[hurts2death]

hi barky happy new year. this thread you made here is GOLD it massivly helped me and now my sis who is dumped by an npd of 40year old male drug addict....

btw if you have time can you give me an insight on my thread above?it seems it got some evolution////

[barky2]

I'm glad it helped in anyway for you and your sis h2d.

 

Where's the thread? I'll be sure to take a look

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[hurts2death]

here friend

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420756-nothing-pains-much-nothing-24.html

[gem29]

My pleasure ,Gem.

 

Everyday is hard, there's no doubt.

 

There will be many many days in which you'll have a doubt " oh if I just say this" or " if I reach out today..." But you have to stay strong, because no matter what you say or do, right now, there is no changing anything.

 

It's your first relationship?

 

The first of many.

 

And I'm almost certain one day you'll be in the same position because of another breakup, so what you learn now, and how to handle yourself, is knowledge for the rest of your life.

 

Stay strong, keep posting instead of contacting him.

 

After awhile you won't know how long you've been nc , you'll be numb and right about over it.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Barky,

 

You're so right and I'm so glad I found this forum as everyone here understands, listens and offers genuine advice.

I am moving in the right direction and definitely have found the resolve to stay strong with my NC now, whereas before finding this forum and particularly this thread, I think I would have struggled..

[jphcbpa]

Great thread. Thanks barky

[mutualove]

Hey barky what do you make of this breadcrumb?I got my first today.

[Inviv_girl]

I see alot of the same things being said, alot of the same questions are being asked so I want everyone to read this thread if you've just been broken up with, desire your ex back ect

 

 

 

The first question everyone asks in a huge panic WHAT CAN I DO?!

 

The very simple answer and I want you to re read this after you read it

 

NOTHING!!!

 

There is NO magical cure.

 

You have to realise this, begging and pleading won't get you anywherw...OK wait maybe it will,maybe they do come back....OUT OF GUILT AND THEY WILL BE GONE AGAIN A SHORT TIME AFTER.

 

You need to face reality, that yes, your relationship has ended.

 

Its over.

 

OK. So now we get that down....please...if you have still any doubts I want you to re read it before reading on.

 

So now, what the heck do I do?

 

You drop off the face of the earth and you COMPLETELY focus every bit of your being into making yourself happy again.

 

No one can make you happy but yourself.

 

NOONE.

 

Go to the gym, hangout with family and friend...do not sit in the house

 

You have no idea how important that is to get ur buns off the couch or out of bed.

 

The world is beautiful.

 

Every single member on here, past and present has been thru a heart break....as have I. I know the pain. I fought it for so long. Until I saw the light that everyone on Ls was screaming at me.

 

LET GO. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE THE SITUATION RIGHT NOW.

 

OK so pressing on.

 

Undoubtedly you've begged and pleaded and it didn't work.

 

Duh. Stop now. Pick up ur balls or boobs and face the demons fighting and haunting you....get mad! Go look in the mirror and say bring it on! Scream!! Cry!! Let it out!!!

 

So what happens if you've been dumped, they start seeing someone ect.

 

Big freakin deal.

 

Wait what?

 

Yea who gives a crap.

 

Sex is just that sex. They don't have a emotional bond like you guys who.

 

My ex came back, that was the first thing she said, it was better with you because we made love...just didn't knock skins.

 

Now I'm not saying to do what I did, ( I went out and got some the min I found out she was with someone just so i in my crazy head figured wed be even) but it did help later down the road.

 

You have to realise something, what they are now getting is the physical fun part of the relationship....they are missing the emotional aide that you've always provided.

 

The inevitable BREACRUMB.

 

HI how are you I miss u I love you blah blah blah SHUT IT.

 

Do not respond...its so critical you do not give them a damn inch on this.

 

Most people ask how long do rebounds last.

 

One person gave me the best answer..." could be the first burp or fart ...or 100years".

 

Don't sit down and wait on it, it could last forever.

 

My rebound lasted a month while my ex pulled nc on me...it drove me nuts. I realized who I really loved.

 

My (ex's) rebound lasted 3 months...BC I begged and sat around, she admitted to me if I left her alone she would have come back sooner.

 

You guys, you need to LEAVE THEM ALONE AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

 

I ONLY GOT MINE BACK AFTER LETTING GO, LEAVING IT TO A HIGHER POWER , GOT MYSELF HAPPY AGAIN.

 

Exs know when your pulling away, even when you haven't talked to them in a long time. They feel it. The MINUTE I walked out of a bar with my buddies and was truly happy, the minute I got in my car my phone rang....it HAPPENS like that.

 

So now...I want you to trust and believe me....the ONLY way to get them back is to leave them the hell alone, get out of your depression , get back that confident person they fell inlove with.

 

God someone should buy my ebook.

 

All kidding aside tho...that's the trick.

 

And you know what? Even if they don't come back, you are so close to healed ...someone you don't even know, you will love them just as much or MORE than your ex.

 

Don't worry....they always come back. But when?

 

Could be years man, so do what you want...but I sure as hell didn't wait.

 

 

 

 

The reason I posted this, is because I came back after awhile, to pay it forward to people who helped me when I was down.

 

But it seems like I'm saying the same thing over and over again.

Threads after thread.

 

LET THEM GO AND GET YOUR HAPPY SELF BACK.

 

ONE SIZE FITS ALL. DO NOT CONTACT THEM!

 

WHEN THEY ARE READY THEY WILL CONTACT YOU.

 

NOTHING IS SEXY ABOUT YOUR PHONE BLOWING UP AND NEEDYNESS. NOTHING.

 

 

In closing, I want you to take a deep breath, everything will be fine. I give you my word, from the bottom of my heart...you will be OK.

 

Go for a walk. Start a thread. Help out other members....LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! THEY WANT YOU GONE? GOOD BITE ME, YOU GOT YOUR WISH.

 

 

Thank you to everyone who's ever helped me here, and when people reply to your posts, don't take offense to it. They really are trying to help.

 

" THIS TOO SHALL PASS" I have it tattoo'd on me for a reason.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thank you so much for helping, your slap to my face is what I needed

[bronzon]

Hey barky,

 

Love the no-nonsense approach here. Bet you must have gotten really fed up with that rollercoaster of splitting up and getting back together again.

 

Would appreciate any feedback on my (new) thread.

 

Recent break-up over seriousness of relationship

Edited January 22, 2014 by bronzon